Discussion Creating fantasy romantic or sexual partners in my mind as a "coping mechanism?"

[ConfusedHurting2632]

TL;DR- If the rest of this post is too long, the main point is I create fantasy romantic or sexual partners in my mind as a "coping mechanism." What I mean by that is that whenever I'm feeling really down or depressed or suicidal, making up fantasies in my mind about being with kind hearted beautiful and attractive women or whatever makes me feel happier. I have several female "characters" I've made up in my mind this way, though in reality I'd never wanna be in a real relationship, as I know I just wouldn't be able to handle it.

I don't know how common this sort of thing is, but it certainly is something I do a lot.

Even though I hate the world and I hate life and everything about the world and everything about life, I can't deny that some "physical needs" or "innate needs" or "survival needs" or whatever you wanna call them feel pretty good to be fulfilled. Basically stuff like food, water, shelter, getting good sleep, being at a body temperature that's not too cold or not too hot, sex/masturbation/erotica/porn/whatever satisfies sexual needs, going to the bathroom when your body demands it, etc. Like I can't lie and say that eating a good tasting meal whenever I feel super hungry doesn't feel good, for example...because it does feel good. It feels really fucking good.

But anyway...the one I'm gonna specifically focus on in this post is the one about "sexual needs"...well not just sexual needs, "romantic needs," adding on to that as well, though romantic needs aren't "physical needs." More like "emotional needs" or "mental health needs," in the case of romantic needs specifically.

But anyway...onto the topic stated in the title, I create fantasy romantic or sexual partners in my mind as a "coping mechanism." What exactly in specific do I mean by that? Well...it's more or less self-explanatory. But I create sexy women in my head as a coping mechanism. By "sexy" I mean both physically and in terms of personality. As in not just physically attractive, but also having a nice personality as well to go with it. Basically the "perfect" woman.

If my personal gender identity and sexual orientation matters, I'm a 22 year old non-binary agender person, and I consider myself either bisexual or pansexual. Though even though I consider myself bi/pan, I HIGHLY prefer women, and feminine women at that. When I am attracted to men, which isn't too often, they're usually relatively feminine men, definitely not super masculine or extremely rugged. As for non-binary people like myself...as long as they look more feminine than masculine, I'm usually attracted.

Adding on to that, I would also probably consider myself demisexual, asexual, or aegosexual. I definitely feel sexual attraction in a MUCH different way than the vast majority of people, though it still exists. To start off, I like women in relatively skimpy clothing (like tank tops and short shorts, bikinis, etc) but I don't enjoy looking at fully nude women too much. It's not like I'm completely turned off or anything, but I just think people look better in at least a little bit of clothing rather than fully nude...maybe because clothing adds a little bit of color to the person, whereas otherwise their nude body by itself is just one single color all over? Maybe clothing makes their skin color pop out more? Maybe I like some mystery rather than just full on explicit nudity? I'm not 100% sure, but I prefer revealing clothing over complete and total nudity. Beyond that, I don't enjoy looking at people having sex, or porn in other words. I don't really find genitals attractive. I don't know why, they just don't do anything for me. And I don't really desire to have sex myself. But I do desire to cuddle with people, and hug them and rub on their soft skin. And I do masturbate because my body seems to physically demand it, though actually having sex doesn't really seem to appeal to me all that much.

But anyway...continuing with the title topic, if we were to go into detail about my SPECIFIC "fantasy romantic or sexual partners"...well, there's mainly 2, but not JUST those 2. Those 2 are the ones I keep "coming back to" the most, though others have existed from time to time.

For number 1...it's a woman named "Luna." She's actually a "character" of mine. As in I used to write stories and make drawings...and Luna was one of the main characters. Specifically, she was the girlfriend/love interest of the main character who was my self-insert character, who I had decided to name "Recon." Though Recon was the "main" character Luna was on my mind FAR more than Recon, since Recon was basically just me and Luna was my idea of the perfect woman. But Luna is actually in a anime/semi-realistic cartoon style...yes, I do feel attraction to anime/cartoon characters. Maybe not AS much as to real people, but it's definitely there. In terms of appearance Luna is supposed to be rather tall...like 5'11 or 6'1 or something like that...basically high 5 feet/low 6 feet height. Her figure is supposed to be kind of slim, kind of curvy, and kind of muscular all at the same time. She's supposed to have big but not insanely huge boobs, and ditto for her butt/hips. And all this is in proportion to the rest of her body. Her stomach is supposed to be flat with abs, though her waist would be "normal" I guess, as in not too wide, not too thin either. She's supposed to have nice long legs, and thighs that are big/thick in proportion to her knees and calves. She wears tank tops and short shorts to emphasize her figure. Short shorts to emphasize her legs/thighs, and tank tops to emphasize her upper body...like her shoulders, her back, and her chest/cleavage. Though her cleavage would be medium to only a little bit, not an extreme amount of cleavage. She could have bra straps showing with her tank top to give her a casual, laidback, comfortable vibe...and her bra straps could be a color that go well with the color of her tank top. As for her skin color and hair color...her skin is supposed to be medium brown. In terms of race/ethnicity she's supposed to be a mixed Black person, so both Black and White...she has a Black mother and a White father. She would be American since I'm American and America is the only life I know, so African-American basically. Her hair would be very long and dark brown colored, and she would keep it tied in a very long, stylish ponytail. For the specific length of her hair, it would be about butt length, give or take. Maybe just above her butt, maybe just below her butt, but just in that length range. Her eyes would be medium-dark brown colored...darker than her skin color, but lighter than her hair color, basically. And enough about her physical apperance...her PERSONALITY...this is probably gonna sound pretty generic, but she would be very sweet and kind and affectionate. She would be someone with a lot of sympathy/empathy and compassion towards others. She's no therapist, but she loves to help others the best she can and to listen to others when they need someone to talk to. However, at the same time she would be a "tough girl" who doesn't take any shit from others. She's nice and gentle but won't hesitate to stand up for herself or others. She has a lot of interests and hobbies...though her favorite thing to do is swimming. She's passionate about swimming and wants to be the best swimmer she can be. Outside of that, her interests/hobbies are mainly athletic ones, such as jogging/running, weightlifting, hiking, sports in general, etc. Though she does like listening to music, watching movies and TV shows, playing video games, etc...all that stuff, too. Oh, and I forgot to mention, but the stories I used to write and the drawings I used to make were about people with superpowers...so Luna would've had water powers, and speed/agility would've been her main fighting style. But yeah...that's about it. Oh, and for her age...she's supposed to be whatever age I am, but slightly older. So I'm 22 now, she's about 25 or so...back when I was 16 I used to envision her as 17 or 18.

Wow that was A LOT about Luna...but about number 2...

For number 2...it's also a woman, but...I never really gave her a name, but we can call her "Blondie" for conveniences sake. "Blondie" because as you could've guessed, she's blonde. Unlike Luna who is "in an anime/semi-realistic cartoon style," Blondie is in the "style" of a "real woman." She's not a person who exists, but she's basically kind of the combination of all the attractive women I've encountered in my life...sort of. She's the combination of a specific "type" of woman I've encountered a lot, "women with blonde hair and slightly tanned skin." Basically the sort of attractive young woman you would encounter hanging out frequently at the pool or at the beach, usually around college age or so, or around their 20s or so in other words. She's not a "character" like Luna is...as in I never wrote about her in a story, and I never made any drawings about her. I'm not sure how I'd even draw her, since I'm only decent at drawing simple cartoony or simple anime stuff, I don't really know how to draw realistic people. And I wouldn't know how to write her into a story since I never even gave her a name, "Blondie" is just a "filler name" for the sake of this post. But in general, she's somewhat similar to Luna in quite a lot of ways. Both of them are basically young adult attractive women who are quite tall and in pretty good physical shape. But Blondie is a blonde White woman with slightly tanned skin. A "golden brown" or "sun kissed" sort of look, basically. Her blonde hair would be sort of a golden shade of blonde...so not light like platinum blonde hair, but not dark like dirty blonde hair. Her hair length would be about shoulder length or slightly shorter than shoulder length or so...so relatively short hair for a woman, but still long compared to like a buzzcut for a woman or something. As for her eyes, they would be brown...medium to dark brown. She would wear short shorts and tank tops like Luna. I imagine her either being Luna's age, so about 25, or slightly older, like late 20s, but definitely not into her 30s just yet. The reason I would imagine her being slightly older than Luna is because as a kid I used to see lots of hot slightly tanned blonde women at the beach or pool who were in like their 20s, but since I was just a kid 20 year olds seemed ancient to me...now being 22 I know 20 year olds are definitely NOT ancient, though I still envision Blondie as being older, but not TOO much older than me. So she'd be in her late 20s as opposed to me being in my early 20s, and Luna being in her mid 20s. Her personality isn't nearly as "fleshed out" as Luna's since she's not a "character" in the way Luna is and I haven't even given her an "official" name; but like Luna I still envision her as being kind and a good person. I would never be attracted to a woman who is mean or a bad person.

And yeah...those are my 2 main "fantasy romantic or sexual partners," Luna and Blondie. I don't really have a preference between them, I like them both a lot in their own ways, but Blondie is easier to imagine cuddling and being physical with since she's supposed to be a "real" 3D woman, while Luna is supposed to be a 2D or 2.5D like a cartoon/anime character. But Luna certainly has an a lot more fleshed out personality since she's supposed to be a character in my stories and drawings, so there's that.

I do have OTHER "fantasy romantic or sexual partners," but Luna and Blondie are BY FAR the ones I keep coming back to the most. For the OTHER ones though...they're kind of just random women of any sort I find attractive. Sometimes even men or non-binary people, as long as they look feminine. Sometimes they're based on people I have seen in real life or people I have seen online through videos or photos or TV shows or movies or whatever, sometimes I make up a person on the spot...but yeah. Luna and Blondie are the "main characters" or "key players" per se, while the others are mainly just "supporting characters" or "cheerleaders" or whatever.

But yeah...despite my mind having "made up" Luna and Blondie and others, when it comes to real life and reality, I definitely DO NOT desire a romantic or sexual relationship with ANYONE...I am WAAAAY too depressed and suicidal and mentally ill (bipolar, delusional/paranoid schizophrenia, autism, borderline personality disorder, and many other stuff) for a relationship to EVER work out. I would probably make things miserable for both myself and the other person. I would probably just make the other person out to be my therapist without considering their feelings because I'm so self-absorbed in my depressed and suicidal negative thoughts; and inevitably they'd eventually get worn out and break up with me because no one can handle being someone else's personal therapist 24/7, and I'd become even MORE depressed and suicidal after they broke up with me, and I'd grow to deeply resent the person...

Luna and Blondie and the others really ARE just "coping mechanisms"...for some reason romantic and sexual thoughts make me happy whenever I'm feeling down. I don't wanna actually BE in love with anyone in real life, but I do like the IDEA of being in love and "true love." And when it comes to TV shows and movies I also like to see the romance between the main characters.

And yeah...that's about it...this post is long enough...I'll end this here...

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I do this too- about men and I have done most of my life. The 'problem' is when I've done it with real life men in my life because this has added to the whole limerence thing around them- so- it's an idea of them I was in love with- loosely based on the person. (Very loosely sometimes. The biggest difference being they love me back! Lol.)

I haven't had a real relationship, so, all I have is my imagination. But I have a very good imagination. Lol. Most of the men I've fancied have been based on fictional characters to be fair- so- not quite as original as you but I can really run with those characters and scenarios! I'd be too embarassed to go into more but I guess it has been how I've managed to sate all my needs.

I don't think I'd like all elements of an actual relationship to be honest. I really enjoy my independence for one. I'm kind of glad I have this element to me though. Sometimes, having spoken to people in actual relationships, I've wondered if I was getting more satisfaction (as it were) than them! Not that it will ever happen now but sometimes I wonder if I could even do certain things without my imagination. Not really all that fair to be with someone imagining you're with someone else I would have thought!

 

[ConfusedHurting2632]

Yes, I do this too- about men and I have done most of my life. The 'problem' is when I've done it with real life men in my life because this has added to the whole limerence thing around them- so- it's an idea of them I was in love with- loosely based on the person. (Very loosely sometimes. The biggest difference being they love me back! Lol.)

I haven't had a real relationship, so, all I have is my imagination. But I have a very good imagination. Lol. Most of the men I've fancied have been based on fictional characters to be fair- so- not quite as original as you but I can really run with those characters and scenarios! I'd be too embarassed to go into more but I guess it has been how I've managed to sate all my needs.

I don't think I'd like all elements of an actual relationship to be honest. I really enjoy my independence for one. I'm kind of glad I have this element to me though. Sometimes, having spoken to people in actual relationships, I've wondered if I was getting more satisfaction (as it were) than them! Not that it will ever happen now but sometimes I wonder if I could even do certain things without my imagination. Not really all that fair to be with someone imagining you're with someone else I would have thought!

TL;DR-We're basically kind of the same on a lot of this, haha. It's kind of crazy. We're basically kind of the same but with the sex/gender we're attracted to reversed. And we both have really good imaginations! But yeah...I definitely don't want an ACTUAL relationship either...I'm way too mentally ill for that shit. It wouldn't be fair to me OR my partner.

Ah...so look like we're sort of the same this way, just with the genders/sexes we're attracted to reversed, haha.

With the thing you mentioned about liking real life people, the IDEA of them, loosely based on the person...I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my long ass post, but I actually experience the SAME thing too! Like I'm not really interested in the ACTUAL person, as I know I just wouldn't be fit for a serious relationship with all my mental health problems, which would just cause deep despair for both me AND my partner...but just the IDEA of them.

Like one time when I was 16 years old in 10th grade, there was this one girl in my AP Psychology class...let's call her Cecilia. I became OBSESSED with her because she was physically attractive and she seemed pretty friendly and bubbly, but beyond that I basically didn't know ANYTHING about her. I literally only talked to her like once or twice, and EVEN THEN it was just to say "thank you" to her as she held the door for me. So it barely even counted. But in my mind I built her up a lot, and I mean A LOT. Being being physically attractive and bubbly, I began to invent a whole ass personality for her in my head, but it wasn't real...it wasn't HER. It was my IDEA of her. And I kept adding more and more to her personality based on conversations I heard her having with her friends and/or acquaintances. After the year ended I decided to send her a friend request on Facebook, Twitter, AND Instagram...obviously didn't go well. She blocked my ass right away, and rightfully so. Why would a guy be in your class the whole year, only talk to you once or twice, and only THEN try to add you on social media...it doesn't make sense. It's weird. It's creepy. It gives off vibes that someone is either just extremely socially awkward, or a stalker, or both. AT BEST she assumed I was extremely shy. AT WORST she assumed I was some sort of serial killer or rapist, because why else would I be so obsessed with her like that? Lol.

But yeah...enough about Cecilia, haha.

I have quite a good imagination too. Especially for a 22 year old, as I think they generally say that very young children have the strongest imagination, while the imagination of teenagers and adults is a lot weaker. I often fantasize about fictional characters too, actually. Not sure if I mentioned that either in my long ass post. Thanks for calling me original, haha. It's understandable you'd be embarrassed to go into it more...though as for me personally, I just don't give a shit, lol. After all I've been through and all the mental illnesses I have, I basically have ZERO shame. To me everything is meaningless, so I basically have nothing to lose, nothing to gain by talking about all my deepest personal problems to people. Though obviously I still shouldn't give people my address or anything like that, because I don't want bad people to make my already complicated and tragic life even more complicated and tragic .

As for you not liking all the elements of an ACTUAL relationship...same here, really. I don't know about independence for me personally, but I also don't really wanna be tied to anyone either. Especially when I completely shut down and don't wanna talk to anyone. Sometimes I can go absurd periods of time without talking or wanting to talk to anyone. Days, weeks, months, in extreme cases even YEARS...you get the picture. Not exactly relationship material, haha.

And yeah...I imagine being in a relationship while I'm imagining being with a fantasy character I've made up in my mind whose "perfect" in every way wouldn't be fair to the person I'm in a relationship with, haha. "Perfect" may be EXTREMELY unrealistic, but perfect is still nice, because...well it's perfect, haha. And with my bipolar and borderline personality disorder and overall emotional issues and anger issues, any small disagreement or argument can be a HUUUGE deal to me, while the other person might not think much of it. The other person may think I'm just being completely paranoid or delusional, and perhaps I am, but that's my reality, and it makes sense to me.

Like sometimes I COMPLETELY just blew up on people who claimed "they did absolutely nothing to me," and third parties looking in who heard of the situation or saw it happening also agreed the other person "did nothing to me"...and perhaps they really DID do nothing to me...but to me, in my reality, it LOOKED like they did something to me. Whether I'm completely delusional or crazy or insane is another thing, but in my opinion I'm allowed to think what I think and feel what I feel. My thoughts and feelings are valid.

I agree that I SHOULD control my emotions and reactions and NOT blow up on people, and I'm taking medications and attending therapy for this same reason, and have been for the past 4 years or so, and I've also been to the mental hospital 8 times total...but sometimes I literally just can't help it. It's almost like I get possessed by a demon or become a completely different person or something. But I still have to deal with the consequences of whatever my "crazy manic psychotic state" did after everything blows over. It's almost like I'm paying for someone else's crimes. And in general while I'm still pretty conscious when going crazy and can remember most of it, my mind is just a jumbled up mess all the way and I even start to hear, see, and feel shit that isn't there...and that's basically where the schizophrenia kicks in a lot as well. Even if I'm generally paranoid and delusional anyway I usually don't hear, see, or feel shit that isn't there unless I'm under a severe amount of stress, or haven't slept for a very long time, or I'm in the middle of a bipolar manic psychotic episode.

But yeah...wow this post is long...I wrote SOOOO much...again...but bottom line, I'm no relationship material, haha...

 

[Forever Sleep]

TL;DR-We're basically kind of the same on a lot of this, haha. It's kind of crazy. We're basically kind of the same but with the sex/gender we're attracted to reversed. And we both have really good imaginations! But yeah...I definitely don't want an ACTUAL relationship either...I'm way too mentally ill for that shit. It wouldn't be fair to me OR my partner.

Ah...so look like we're sort of the same this way, just with the genders/sexes we're attracted to reversed, haha.

With the thing you mentioned about liking real life people, the IDEA of them, loosely based on the person...I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my long ass post, but I actually experience the SAME thing too! Like I'm not really interested in the ACTUAL person, as I know I just wouldn't be fit for a serious relationship with all my mental health problems, which would just cause deep despair for both me AND my partner...but just the IDEA of them.

Like one time when I was 16 years old in 10th grade, there was this one girl in my AP Psychology class...let's call her Cecilia. I became OBSESSED with her because she was physically attractive and she seemed pretty friendly and bubbly, but beyond that I basically didn't know ANYTHING about her. I literally only talked to her like once or twice, and EVEN THEN it was just to say "thank you" to her as she held the door for me. So it barely even counted. But in my mind I built her up a lot, and I mean A LOT. Being being physically attractive and bubbly, I began to invent a whole ass personality for her in my head, but it wasn't real...it wasn't HER. It was my IDEA of her. And I kept adding more and more to her personality based on conversations I heard her having with her friends and/or acquaintances. After the year ended I decided to send her a friend request on Facebook, Twitter, AND Instagram...obviously didn't go well. She blocked my ass right away, and rightfully so. Why would a guy be in your class the whole year, only talk to you once or twice, and only THEN try to add you on social media...it doesn't make sense. It's weird. It's creepy. It gives off vibes that someone is either just extremely socially awkward, or a stalker, or both. AT BEST she assumed I was extremely shy. AT WORST she assumed I was some sort of serial killer or rapist, because why else would I be so obsessed with her like that? Lol.

But yeah...enough about Cecilia, haha.

I have quite a good imagination too. Especially for a 22 year old, as I think they generally say that very young children have the strongest imagination, while the imagination of teenagers and adults is a lot weaker. I often fantasize about fictional characters too, actually. Not sure if I mentioned that either in my long ass post. Thanks for calling me original, haha. It's understandable you'd be embarrassed to go into it more...though as for me personally, I just don't give a shit, lol. After all I've been through and all the mental illnesses I have, I basically have ZERO shame. To me everything is meaningless, so I basically have nothing to lose, nothing to gain by talking about all my deepest personal problems to people. Though obviously I still shouldn't give people my address or anything like that, because I don't want bad people to make my already complicated and tragic life even more complicated and tragic .

As for you not liking all the elements of an ACTUAL relationship...same here, really. I don't know about independence for me personally, but I also don't really wanna be tied to anyone either. Especially when I completely shut down and don't wanna talk to anyone. Sometimes I can go absurd periods of time without talking or wanting to talk to anyone. Days, weeks, months, in extreme cases even YEARS...you get the picture. Not exactly relationship material, haha.

And yeah...I imagine being in a relationship while I'm imagining being with a fantasy character I've made up in my mind whose "perfect" in every way wouldn't be fair to the person I'm in a relationship with, haha. "Perfect" may be EXTREMELY unrealistic, but perfect is still nice, because...well it's perfect, haha. And with my bipolar and borderline personality disorder and overall emotional issues and anger issues, any small disagreement or argument can be a HUUUGE deal to me, while the other person might not think much of it. The other person may think I'm just being completely paranoid or delusional, and perhaps I am, but that's my reality, and it makes sense to me.

Like sometimes I COMPLETELY just blew up on people who claimed "they did absolutely nothing to me," and third parties looking in who heard of the situation or saw it happening also agreed the other person "did nothing to me"...and perhaps they really DID do nothing to me...but to me, in my reality, it LOOKED like they did something to me. Whether I'm completely delusional or crazy or insane is another thing, but in my opinion I'm allowed to think what I think and feel what I feel. My thoughts and feelings are valid.

I agree that I SHOULD control my emotions and reactions and NOT blow up on people, and I'm taking medications and attending therapy for this same reason, and have been for the past 4 years or so, and I've also been to the mental hospital 8 times total...but sometimes I literally just can't help it. It's almost like I get possessed by a demon or become a completely different person or something. But I still have to deal with the consequences of whatever my "crazy manic psychotic state" did after everything blows over. It's almost like I'm paying for someone else's crimes. And in general while I'm still pretty conscious when going crazy and can remember most of it, my mind is just a jumbled up mess all the way and I even start to hear, see, and feel shit that isn't there...and that's basically where the schizophrenia kicks in a lot as well. Even if I'm generally paranoid and delusional anyway I usually don't hear, see, or feel shit that isn't there unless I'm under a severe amount of stress, or haven't slept for a very long time, or I'm in the middle of a bipolar manic psychotic episode.

But yeah...wow this post is long...I wrote SOOOO much...again...but bottom line, I'm no relationship material, haha...

Yes. It's hard to know how common this is really. I think in a way it's common for people to be a bit obsessive when they first fancy someone and maybe to read too much in to things. I think I used to take it to an extreme level though! Like- they could literally do something to make me think they weren't actually very nice at all and I'd momentarily go off them but, a few days later, I'd be back to adoring them again! It can be nice at the beginning but it always ended up feeling horrible- so I'm much more careful about real life people now.

Oh- bless you with that girl 'Cecelia'. Maybe she didn't think you were as extreme as some weird stalker, serial killer. Honestly, I don't really know the etiquette with social media. I'm too old for all that really!

To be honest, I had a very strict upbringing, so I've never been hugely comfortable talking about sexual stuff. Plus, I usually feel embarassed because I'm not at all attractive. I used to feel horrified that my crushes would find out and be disgusted. So, that wasn't fun either. I guess when it's all repressed though, it just makes it worse!

At least you're honest with yourself about how your mental state could affect things. I really don't know how I'd be. Clingy probably and emotional. With CTB on the cards too, it doesn't feel all that fair to create relationships. I don't think it would change how I feel ultimately and I think it would be worse to feel all this with someone and have to hide it or- pretend that they were helping me.

It's all academic anyway though because I'm really not attractive! Still, I enjoy my fantasies anyway. I'm glad you do too. Life would be even worse if I couldn't escape to them now and then. Lol. Happy, horny dreaming! Ha ha.

 

[ConfusedHurting2632]

Yes. It's hard to know how common this is really. I think in a way it's common for people to be a bit obsessive when they first fancy someone and maybe to read too much in to things. I think I used to take it to an extreme level though! Like- they could literally do something to make me think they weren't actually very nice at all and I'd momentarily go off them but, a few days later, I'd be back to adoring them again! It can be nice at the beginning but it always ended up feeling horrible- so I'm much more careful about real life people now.

Oh- bless you with that girl 'Cecelia'. Maybe she didn't think you were as extreme as some weird stalker, serial killer. Honestly, I don't really know the etiquette with social media. I'm too old for all that really!

To be honest, I had a very strict upbringing, so I've never been hugely comfortable talking about sexual stuff. Plus, I usually feel embarassed because I'm not at all attractive. I used to feel horrified that my crushes would find out and be disgusted. So, that wasn't fun either. I guess when it's all repressed though, it just makes it worse!

At least you're honest with yourself about how your mental state could affect things. I really don't know how I'd be. Clingy probably and emotional. With CTB on the cards too, it doesn't feel all that fair to create relationships. I don't think it would change how I feel ultimately and I think it would be worse to feel all this with someone and have to hide it or- pretend that they were helping me.

It's all academic anyway though because I'm really not attractive! Still, I enjoy my fantasies anyway. I'm glad you do too. Life would be even worse if I couldn't escape to them now and then. Lol. Happy, horny dreaming! Ha ha.

Ah yes. Some things are more common than we think, even though people generally don't talk about them out loud or admit to them explicitly. Other things actually ARE rare...it depends, haha. Obsession when in love or infatuated isn't too uncommon at all, especially for young people...though of course some people take it further than others, as you and me both did, haha. But yeah...when obsessed with someone it becomes easy to overlook their flaws and red flags.

And as for that girl 'Cecilia,' even if she didn't assume I was a weird stalker or serial killer, whatever she assumed definitely wasn't good, there's that, haha...the specific severity of what she assumed is unknown to me, but she blocked me so I couldn't contact her at all, so obviously her opinion of me wasn't very high.

And as for social media...you and me both, sort of, haha...I may be only 22 years old, but I'm really not caught up with things in general, and don't know anything about anything. I never cared about keeping up with trends or whatever's popular, and in general I don't even care what goes on in the world since I just simply have no energy to worry about anything else other than myself. May sound self-absorbed and/or narcissistic, and perhaps I am, but with all my mental health issues I just simply CAN'T worry about anyone or anything other than myself. I'd only drive myself even more insane than I already am.

Ah...strict upbringing makes perfect sense. I can't speak for how attractive you are obviously, but all I know is looks are subjective, reality itself is subjective and has no true meaning beyond the meaning you assign to it...and everyone's reality is different. But society itself still DOES have what's conventionally considered attractive or not, there's no ignoring that...society can be rough on you if you aren't "up to their standards."

For myself...may sound generic, but in terms of attractiveness I guess I'd just say I'm average. People usually don't bring up my looks to begin with, in neither the positive direction or the negative direction, with few exceptions. Sometimes I would feel insecure about not living up to some "conventionally attractive standards," but I highly doubt I'm considered "ugly." Maybe boring. Maybe plain. But probably not ugly. I mean I might be. You never know. But yeah. Usually my looks were not my biggest insecurity.

Yeah, honesty is important, that much I know. Clingy and emotional usually isn't good for a relationship. But yeah...with CTB on the cards like you and me, it's just unfair to both ourselves and the other person. Yeah, I highly doubt anyone could change how I ultimately feel either.

But yeah...academic, ha. I don't know how attractive I am truly, but even if I WERE to be attractive, which I HIGHLY doubt I am (otherwise people throughout my life would've mentioned it) it still wouldn't make up for all the mental illnesses I have. Everything cancels out if you're attractive but happen to be a crazy whackjob with like a million mental illnesses. Being attractive helps, sure, and quite a lot...but it just can't make up for certain things, like severe mental illness. Even if I were extremely rich, successful, and famous it still wouldn't make up for my mental illnesses; not unless I was so rich I was able to find a cure for all my mental illnesses...but that's not how it works. No amount of money can resolve a serious mental illness. With a physical illness it's usually easier as long as you can afford the money for medicine and surgeries and stuff like that, but the mind is just so much more complex than the physical body itself...

But yeah...fantasies are nice, haha. I wouldn't say it's enough to keep me "TRULY sane" or "TRULY happy" or whatever, but it DOES make life "SLIGHTLY more tolerable" or "SLIGHTLY less shitty"...which is better than nothing. Even if it only helps me feel better by like 0.0001%, it's still not completely zero, it's still not none at all, haha...

The fantasies and food and water and sleep are the main things I live for, really, I guess. The only things that make life slightly less shitty.

Yes, happy "horny dreaming" indeed, haha.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Ah yes. Some things are more common than we think, even though people generally don't talk about them out loud or admit to them explicitly. Other things actually ARE rare...it depends, haha. Obsession when in love or infatuated isn't too uncommon at all, especially for young people...though of course some people take it further than others, as you and me both did, haha. But yeah...when obsessed with someone it becomes easy to overlook their flaws and red flags.

And as for that girl 'Cecilia,' even if she didn't assume I was a weird stalker or serial killer, whatever she assumed definitely wasn't good, there's that, haha...the specific severity of what she assumed is unknown to me, but she blocked me so I couldn't contact her at all, so obviously her opinion of me wasn't very high.

And as for social media...you and me both, sort of, haha...I may be only 22 years old, but I'm really not caught up with things in general, and don't know anything about anything. I never cared about keeping up with trends or whatever's popular, and in general I don't even care what goes on in the world since I just simply have no energy to worry about anything else other than myself. May sound self-absorbed and/or narcissistic, and perhaps I am, but with all my mental health issues I just simply CAN'T worry about anyone or anything other than myself. I'd only drive myself even more insane than I already am.

Ah...strict upbringing makes perfect sense. I can't speak for how attractive you are obviously, but all I know is looks are subjective, reality itself is subjective and has no true meaning beyond the meaning you assign to it...and everyone's reality is different. But society itself still DOES have what's conventionally considered attractive or not, there's no ignoring that...society can be rough on you if you aren't "up to their standards."

For myself...may sound generic, but in terms of attractiveness I guess I'd just say I'm average. People usually don't bring up my looks to begin with, in neither the positive direction or the negative direction, with few exceptions. Sometimes I would feel insecure about not living up to some "conventionally attractive standards," but I highly doubt I'm considered "ugly." Maybe boring. Maybe plain. But probably not ugly. I mean I might be. You never know. But yeah. Usually my looks were not my biggest insecurity.

Yeah, honesty is important, that much I know. Clingy and emotional usually isn't good for a relationship. But yeah...with CTB on the cards like you and me, it's just unfair to both ourselves and the other person. Yeah, I highly doubt anyone could change how I ultimately feel either.

But yeah...academic, ha. I don't know how attractive I am truly, but even if I WERE to be attractive, which I HIGHLY doubt I am (otherwise people throughout my life would've mentioned it) it still wouldn't make up for all the mental illnesses I have. Everything cancels out if you're attractive but happen to be a crazy whackjob with like a million mental illnesses. Being attractive helps, sure, and quite a lot...but it just can't make up for certain things, like severe mental illness. Even if I were extremely rich, successful, and famous it still wouldn't make up for my mental illnesses; not unless I was so rich I was able to find a cure for all my mental illnesses...but that's not how it works. No amount of money can resolve a serious mental illness. With a physical illness it's usually easier as long as you can afford the money for medicine and surgeries and stuff like that, but the mind is just so much more complex than the physical body itself...

But yeah...fantasies are nice, haha. I wouldn't say it's enough to keep me "TRULY sane" or "TRULY happy" or whatever, but it DOES make life "SLIGHTLY more tolerable" or "SLIGHTLY less shitty"...which is better than nothing. Even if it only helps me feel better by like 0.0001%, it's still not completely zero, it's still not none at all, haha...

The fantasies and food and water and sleep are the main things I live for, really, I guess. The only things that make life slightly less shitty.

Yes, happy "horny dreaming" indeed, haha.

It's an interesting thought really. I've known people I would say were pretty messed up psychologically/ emotionally yet- they still have partners (and are attractive.) Thinking about it- I'd say maybe more women than men, although maybe men are better at hiding it. I've certainly known of abusive men that still seem to keep their partners. I think sometimes people actually go for the vulnerability in a way but I wonder how much is dictated by looks.

It's funny what attracts people though. In most relationships I know, it's the woman who calls the shots. I find it weird that guys are happy to put up with that. For a while I even wondered whether it was a case of them being all one way- under the thumb or the other- abusive arseholes! Still- like I say, it's academic anyway because I'm not even convinced I want to find out- even if I had the chance!

I think you and me both have maybe tried to spare a would-be partner our own crazyness! I think that's considerate of us.