Venting cringe and lonely

[nails]

i ruin everything. my loneliness is my fault. i worried everyone constantly with my shitty ctb plans and that stupid, impulsive attempt last year and now everything is ruined. i regret ever even venting. i felt better in the moment, but now i'm so much worse. it's not like i worried anyone on purpose, i did what i would want people to do for me, and even what was requested of me later on: i talked about my plans to ctb/told them before my attempt. i never planned on being alive today, i should've died years ago like i had originally planned. no one takes me seriously anymore and they don't care. i've driven everyone away. once i die, i'll just be a shitty memory for everyone. i've cemented myself in all of my friend's brains as some stupid, corny, edgelord who just worried everyone for no reason. i doubt anyone will care after i ctb. i've basically been teasing this shit for years now, it's not interesting anymore.

 

[Jadeith]

i ruin everything. my loneliness is my fault.

Or is it really? From what you wrote, it seems to me you didn't ruin anything. It's that your surroundings ruined it for you. You were expected to talk about your problems, about how you feel and give clear warnings that if things continue, you will leave. Permanently. You didn't do it "for likes" or to uphold certain image. It was (and still is) how you feel. But, instead of helping you, your surroundings failed to pull their heads out of their arses and they made it all about them - you worried THEM, you made THEM uncomfortable, possibly you made THEM feel unworthy since your state suggested that THEY failed to provide you support you require. So, THEY decided to drive you into so much guilt that it (hopefully for them) prevent you from leaving on your own terms.

 

[nails]

Or is it really? From what you wrote, it seems to me you didn't ruin anything. It's that your surroundings ruined it for you. You were expected to talk about your problems, about how you feel and give clear warnings that if things continue, you will leave. Permanently. You didn't do it "for likes" or to uphold certain image. It was (and still is) how you feel. But, instead of helping you, your surroundings failed to pull their heads out of their arses and they made it all about them - you worried THEM, you made THEM uncomfortable, possibly you made THEM feel unworthy since your state suggested that THEY failed to provide you support you require. So, THEY decided to drive you into so much guilt that it (hopefully for them) prevent you from leaving on your own terms.

thanks for hearing me out and replying. idk, i can't really bring myself to blame anyone for getting tired.
for the past few years, i've consistently whined about how i planned to kill myself, never actually went through with it, and occasionally "recovered" just to go back to planning my suicide a month later (lol). just typing it out feels exhausting. regardless of what i'm dealing with, everyone has their limits and i've clearly hit those limits. not to mention, it all just seems very unbelievable from their perspectives.
realistically, i think most people would start to believe that i was just looking for attention/never had any real intention to ctb. i can't even blame them for it.

 

[_void]

i feel like i'm looking into a mirror right now...
i don't know what to say but i hope you can at least know that someone out there who resonates with what you've wrote has heard you and that you are seen in this moment.

 

[pyranha]

i don't think you're whining, ruining anything, or otherwise purposefully putting yourself in a position to feel lonely. humans are naturally social- so of course you want people to care about you, there's nothing wrong with that. i wouldn't call your behavior annoying or attention seeking, because everyone needs some level of attention, and most people need help. so, even if you were 'seeking attention', this is not a negative factor to your personality. it's just you being a person who wants help and comfort. for what it's worth, i'm glad you're still here, though i am sorry for your suffering and the pain of failed attempts.

if in fact no one is taking you seriously and no one gives you the necessary comfort anymore, then im sorry that your ex friends were so callous. i understand everyone has a limit to the support they can give- but friendships are supposed to be a give and take. sometimes, your friend needs more than you do, so you give more. and sometimes, vice versa. no friendship is always 100% equal, weight is always being given back and forth eternally, and accepting this and welcoming the chance to help is part of loving your friends.

even if you were corny or an edgelord, i doubt these people have spotless records. the truth is, everyone is a little annoying, and even those you love deeply will someday piss you off or say something stupid. i've had moments where my friends, beloved as they are to me, have truly and honestly gotten on my last nerve. i'm sure i've been the same to them a few times before. as long as you weren't actively abusing anyone, i don't see a reason that you saying something edgy or corny should write you off as a bad person or a bad friend.

i guess what im trying to get at is it's about the people you're around rather than some commentary on whether you're bad or not. for example, if my best friend was constantly venting about wanting to kill themselves, i'd 100% rather hear about it for the next 5 years over and over even if they never went through with it, instead of letting them suffer alone. we're not meant to go through life alone, we're not meant to sit around never 'bothering' anyone. i hope you find people that are okay with you 'bothering' them- this will always be preferable to you being dead, because they should love you enough to want to listen. best of luck

 

[nails]

i feel like i'm looking into a mirror right now...
i don't know what to say but i hope you can at least know that someone out there who resonates with what you've wrote has heard you and that you are seen in this moment.

i'm sorry to hear that you've been in a similar situation. it's sad, but it's still comforting to know that there are people who i can relate to.
feel free to reach out if you need anything, thank you for responding. <3

 

[Jadeith]

i can't really bring myself to blame anyone for getting tired

It's not about blaming anyone. Being constantly tired is one of the most common depression symptoms.

for the past few years, i've consistently whined

You didn't whine. You constantly informed your surroundings about your state and your feelings. Nothing "whiny" about it. And it doesn't make it any less real because you didn't actually ctb. Don't think it would be valid only when you actually kill yourself. You gave warning signs and they should be met with understanding and preventive measures from those who claim that they care about you, no matter how many times you repeat those signs. Depression and suicidal ideations can come and go in waves so it is only natural that you repeatedly warn those around you that you are not well.