Venting CTB date is soon

[sorrowful]

I am going to CTB soon. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself, it's a little daunting to think about it all. I feel regret for the things I haven't done, but I can't continue, I cannot break the repetitive cycle. I'm always too miserable to even move, let alone get anything done at all. I don't want to wait and see if a miracle will happen anymore, I know it won't.

I wish I built more connections. I wish I did more good things. I wish I made some sort of impact rather than being more of a burden on every single person around me for as long as I can remember. Started doing drugs at 12 after being raped and from there I've been nothing but a failure. It really got bad last year when my grandmother fell ill with cancer, and was hospitalized. She would give me her morphine as long as I didn't do street drugs, because I'd already had an overdose that way before. I was selfish. I was so, incredibly selfish. I don't know how I could accept that. I don't know what was going through my mind. When she was in the hospital instead of home, I continued to take the medicine from the safe. Eventually I mixed street drugs with it and I ended up overdosing again anyways, and that time it really almost killed me. Had to be resuscitated and after a week in ER I was sent to a psychiatric ward. It was a horrible experience. I saw my grandma a few times then when they'd let me, I apologized as much as I could, but nothing could really undo my actions. She still forgave me, I don't know how she or my grandfather loved me after all of that. She passed whilst I was in the ward, I just wanted her to hold me again, I remember as a child, and even in my teens, she would always sing to me, "You Are My Sunshine" if I was upset. I wanted so badly for her to hold me and sing it to me again.

This year, in July, someone I was close to committed suicide. I love him dearly. I've told the story before. He wasn't a very good person, he killed himself so he didn't have to deal with the aftermath of problems he caused, he hurt many throughout his life, but love is blind or something.. It horribly broke me. I feel so lost. I would rather go back to feeling hurt from the things he did to me than this. I cannot live without him by any means at all. I'm still breaking down about it, if I don't end my own life I feel like I'll die from heartbreak.

Life has just been a horrible downward spiral. Everything blurs together. I never did much to help myself, I was not the best person either. I don't know if things could've ever been different for me, from the very start I wasn't the luckiest with my living situation, having a drug addict mother and rapist father. I should have never existed at all. Maybe if I hadn't gone through so much trauma, but who knows, "maybes" and fantasies don't matter because this is my life, this is what I've got and everything that happened to me has already happened.

I don't know how many more posts I will make, or if I will make any at all. I've disappeared from this site a lot, I had a few conversations with people but I couldn't keep those connections going. Isolation has always been my go to, and now I'll die completely alone. That is the ending I've authored for myself. If there's something after this, I'll be better.. I'm sorry for how I've done in this life. I only hope that somehow, I can see my grandparents, and the man I love again.

Much love to everyone here, whether we've spoken or not. I hope we can all find our peace eventually, however that looks.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find peace from the suffering as well, best wishes.

 

[L'absent]

I also lost him in July because he committed suicide. I loved him so much and I can't live anymore. I hope you find peace and I hope so too.

 

[sorrowful]

I also lost him in July because he committed suicide. I loved him so much and I can't live anymore. I hope you find peace and I hope so too.

I'm so sorry. It really is such an isolating thing to go through. I feel it can't even be expressed in words. It's so unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and so difficult to explain to anyone else around me. No one really knows what to say and they can never grasp how truly painful it is.

I hold on to the hope our souls will reunite in the afterlife. That's all I want. If there is any sort of higher power, and they are merciful, I hope that one wish can be granted.

Sending love.

 

[L'absent]

I'm so sorry. It really is such an isolating thing to go through. I feel it can't even be expressed in words. It's so unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and so difficult to explain to anyone else around me. No one really knows what to say and they can never grasp how truly painful it is.

I hold on to the hope our souls will reunite in the afterlife. That's all I want. If there is any sort of higher power, and they are merciful, I hope that one wish can be granted.

Sending love.

I now live listening to audio and watching videos from the past with him. Sometimes I hold on to some of his clothes. I go back to the place where he took his life and I cry. All I do is cry. All I do is think about how different things would be now if he were here and how they won't be anymore. Because death is the end of everything. He doesn't know how I am now, he doesn't know that all my days are black...he doesn't even know if I'm alive...he no longer exists. No one can understand the emptiness I have inside, my heartbreaking passage of time in the desert of love. I can't look forward as many advise me. Standing against the wall I look at my future, lost in a sea of shadows. Sorry for the long rant.