Having been in this forum for a couple of weeks, the main thing I'm noticing is the incredible amount of sheer bloody *work* there is just to go through the act of CTB. I used the 'venting' prefix here because I guess I am venting a bit, but trust me when I say I'm not getting at any of you. Really I'm not.
But I look through messages about various methods here - I either need to be a scientist with an intimate knowledge of medicines and toxicology (taking nurofen is about my limit), someone handy enough to build some kind of charcoal grill (I can barely knock together a shelf), someone who knows how to order stuff from the darkest and most secretive corners of the web (managing to send an email is usually the limit for me), someone who knows the right kind of gas to order complete with tube and god knows what else ... it's all too much to simply take in and comprehend.
It's not that I'm stupid, I'm really not, but by now I'm just in a state of mind where I want to end it - I haven't got the brainpower and concentration and simple world knowledge to sit here figuring all of this stuff out. I go to sleep every night, exhausted, and hoping that I'll miraculously somehow die in the night. I then sleep four hours because of that exhaustion and wake up devastated that I'm still alive and stuck in this small prison of my sort-of-home.
By now I pretty much just want to find a high building where I can easily get onto the roof (I'm disabled, unfortunately, so even getting to do that is pretty impossible) and then just throw myself off. Or take what will undoubtedly be a pretty gruesome and slow overdose of some relatively easy to get hold of medication. Neither are really how I'd want to end it, though. What I want is just to die quietly, having sorted things out beforehand, but our stupid world prevents that and makes CTB about as complex, expensive and maybe even illegal as it could possibly be.
But I look through messages about various methods here - I either need to be a scientist with an intimate knowledge of medicines and toxicology (taking nurofen is about my limit), someone handy enough to build some kind of charcoal grill (I can barely knock together a shelf), someone who knows how to order stuff from the darkest and most secretive corners of the web (managing to send an email is usually the limit for me), someone who knows the right kind of gas to order complete with tube and god knows what else ... it's all too much to simply take in and comprehend.
It's not that I'm stupid, I'm really not, but by now I'm just in a state of mind where I want to end it - I haven't got the brainpower and concentration and simple world knowledge to sit here figuring all of this stuff out. I go to sleep every night, exhausted, and hoping that I'll miraculously somehow die in the night. I then sleep four hours because of that exhaustion and wake up devastated that I'm still alive and stuck in this small prison of my sort-of-home.
By now I pretty much just want to find a high building where I can easily get onto the roof (I'm disabled, unfortunately, so even getting to do that is pretty impossible) and then just throw myself off. Or take what will undoubtedly be a pretty gruesome and slow overdose of some relatively easy to get hold of medication. Neither are really how I'd want to end it, though. What I want is just to die quietly, having sorted things out beforehand, but our stupid world prevents that and makes CTB about as complex, expensive and maybe even illegal as it could possibly be.
