Venting cutting for attention

[sillypuppygirl]

hi everyone :) this is my first post here. i hope im making this thread correctly lol.

anyway i just kind of wanted to dump whats been on my mind recently. i have been self harming for a few years now, not nearly as much as i would like, because im in a relationship and i feel really awful when he sees.. but i have cravings to go deeper into my skin. i have only ever made baby styros but i would love to make bigger scars. i dont know why? maybe for attention? but i dont know if i can do it because it makes me very squeamish to think about hitting a vein, or go to 'beans' level,,

i have done my research and i already know cutting is one of the worst ways to ctb. but i would love to cut my wrists and just fade out of consciousness, which is weird because the thought of cutting that deep makes me sick and i dont think i could ever do that. adding onto that, if that were to happen, i think i would want someone to find me weirdly enough? i think i just want someone to be worried about me for once. is that bad? i just want someone to take me seriously. i know now is not my time to ctb but when it is, itll def have to be a more peaceful way.

anyway thanks for reading. very messy first post but again i just wanted to vent and get my thoughts out somewhere safe rather than scaring my bf or my therapist.

 

[SVEN]

You're amongst friends here for venting, and some members have posted previously re cutting.
It's not likely to be a good method for ctb, however I promise that folk on this Forum will take you seriously.
Best wishes & welcome.

 

[nonliv]

I've always fatasized about this aswell. It feels like self harming is the only thing I'm capable of doing. Methods like overdosing scare me, hanging scares me. With self harm, it's never going to be deep enough, please trust me on that. I've met people in real life with bigger scars, and smaller scars, it doesn't matter, each one of us wants to "hit a goal" where we are satisfied, but we will never be satisfied, becouse in our minds there will always be something telling us that what we did too ourselves is not enough. I've self harmed for many reasons, to forget, to distract myself, even sometimes when I was bored, and yes, I've self harmed for attention. I wanted people to take care of me. All I can say is that I can relate too your feelings

 

[attheend13]

hi everyone :) this is my first post here. i hope im making this thread correctly lol.

anyway i just kind of wanted to dump whats been on my mind recently. i have been self harming for a few years now, not nearly as much as i would like, because im in a relationship and i feel really awful when he sees.. but i have cravings to go deeper into my skin. i have only ever made baby styros but i would love to make bigger scars. i dont know why? maybe for attention? but i dont know if i can do it because it makes me very squeamish to think about hitting a vein, or go to 'beans' level,,

i have done my research and i already know cutting is one of the worst ways to ctb. but i would love to cut my wrists and just fade out of consciousness, which is weird because the thought of cutting that deep makes me sick and i dont think i could ever do that. adding onto that, if that were to happen, i think i would want someone to find me weirdly enough? i think i just want someone to be worried about me for once. is that bad? i just want someone to take me seriously. i know now is not my time to ctb but when it is, itll def have to be a more peaceful way.

anyway thanks for reading. very messy first post but again i just wanted to vent and get my thoughts out somewhere safe rather than scaring my bf or my therapist.

It's almost funny that you feel the need to protect your therapist. I'm not being dismissive I just think it's more evidence of why we're all here. There's no sounding board out there. I was a cutter for years and I also burned a lot putting out cigarettes on my arm and putting an iron on my arm but all that gave me is an arm full of scars. I tried to slit my throat once but I couldn't press hard enough I was just so scared. Slitting your wrists is just not effective as a means of ctb. Hollywood has glamorized it but hardly anyone dies from it. It looks like a peaceful end in the movies, just a lovely corpse in a crimson bath. When i was in the hospital for depression I met a woman who cut so deep she lost a lot of her use of her hands but she lived.

I know there's a few things I learned that makes it more likely to be a method that works but you have to be able to cut really deep in the right place and the right way. You also need blood thinners and warm water but it's still not very effective as a method alone, you would need to add in a few other elements to be sure. I don't recommend it as a ctb method

It's almost funny that you feel the need to protect your therapist. I'm not being dismissive I just think it's more evidence of why we're all here. There's no sounding board out there. I was a cutter for years and I also burned a lot putting out cigarettes on my arm and putting an iron on my arm but all that gave me is an arm full of scars. I tried to slit my throat once but I couldn't press hard enough I was just so scared. Slitting your wrists is just not effective as a means of ctb. Hollywood has glamorized it but hardly anyone dies from it. It looks like a peaceful end in the movies, just a lovely corpse in a crimson bath. When i was in the hospital for depression I met a woman who cut so deep she lost a lot of her use of her hands but she lived.

I know there's a few things I learned that makes it more likely to be a method that works but you have to be able to cut really deep in the right place and the right way. You also need blood thinners and warm water but it's still not very effective as a method alone, you would need to add in a few other elements to be sure. I don't recommend it as a ctb method

I also wanted to mention that in that same group therapy situation for all of us who tried to ctb, I met a woman in a wheelchair who jumped off a bridge and lived only to be paralyzed. It's these things that keep me from choosing a method. In the institution I met a woman who hung herself and was cut down before she passed. Her head was black like a giant bruise. It stays with me as a cautionary tale. Be certain of your method because the alternative is just being demoted to a lower hotter level if hell. Just my 2 cents.

 

[sillypuppygirl]

It's almost funny that you feel the need to protect your therapist. I'm not being dismissive I just think it's more evidence of why we're all here. There's no sounding board out there. I was a cutter for years and I also burned a lot putting out cigarettes on my arm and putting an iron on my arm but all that gave me is an arm full of scars. I tried to slit my throat once but I couldn't press hard enough I was just so scared. Slitting your wrists is just not effective as a means of ctb. Hollywood has glamorized it but hardly anyone dies from it. It looks like a peaceful end in the movies, just a lovely corpse in a crimson bath. When i was in the hospital for depression I met a woman who cut so deep she lost a lot of her use of her hands but she lived.

I know there's a few things I learned that makes it more likely to be a method that works but you have to be able to cut really deep in the right place and the right way. You also need blood thinners and warm water but it's still not very effective as a method alone, you would need to add in a few other elements to be sure. I don't recommend it as a ctb method

I also wanted to mention that in that same group therapy situation for all of us who tried to ctb, I met a woman in a wheelchair who jumped off a bridge and lived only to be paralyzed. It's these things that keep me from choosing a method. In the institution I met a woman who hung herself and was cut down before she passed. Her head was black like a giant bruise. It stays with me as a cautionary tale. Be certain of your method because the alternative is just being demoted to a lower hotter level if hell. Just my 2 cents.

thank you so much for replying and thank you for your input! i have done a lot of research and i completely agree w you. i guess this is more so just a fantasy of mine, again i think that if i cut my wrists really deep, i would want someone to find me, be worried for me. this is because i know in my mind i wont be able to cut deep enough to disable me, im too squeamish. when it comes to any other method, i would most definitely NOT want to be found while still alive. being a vegetable is literally my worst nightmare.

 

[Namelesa]

I also like cutting and making scars. I like it to be able to deal with painful emotions such as anxiety, guilt and emptiness as well for attention cus I want other people to see I am in pain. Personally I do a mixture of deep and light cuts as the deep ones cause the scars when the light ones will sting for a while and allow me to get through the emotions

I will say don't cut too deep as thats just cause more pain and probably won't kill you. Also clean or put something on the cut so it doesn't get infected.

 

[avalokitesvara]

I cut as well and have similar thoughts to you. It's a confusing thing, how you can have this very strong desire for more, for deeper cuts, more blood, more extreme outcomes, more scars and specific kinds of scars. But at the same time feel sick and squeamish about it. I also really relate to the fantasy of slitting your wrists as a suicide attempt and the ambivalence of it working vs it being a "cry for help". I just love the idea of bleeding to death for some reason. Even though it's scary it just seems natural in some way. Maybe it is like an addiction, especially if you've done it lot and/or for a long time. For me even if I go years without it it's still something I have visions of doing and feel drawn to. Hugs, it's hard, not many people understand it.

I think you could talk to your therapist about it, it seems like for you it's a form of communication and they might help you understand what it is you are trying to say and why this is the way you attempt to communicate. Especially with the ambivalence between wanting to keep it secret vs being discovered.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

i have only ever made baby styros but i would love to make bigger scars.

Tbh, the scars I have from cutting from the mid-styro don't look much different from the scars I have from cutting down to the bean (though, most of my bean cuts were along the top of that layer). Some of them are a bit worse for some reason. Either way, I don't think you should be cutting deeper. Bean cuts require a lot more aftercare and take a lot longer to heal, so your chances of getting caught would only increase. That's not getting into the fact that it's typically recommended to get stitches if you cut that deep or if your cut gapes at a certain amount. If you don't plan on or can't get stitches (which you have to get within the next 6 to 8 hours after sustaining the injury) then you basically have to spend weeks being careful and making sure that your cuts don't get infected. The risk of infection goes up significantly once you hit the bean layer. You can't get anything in there, (including things, such as antibiotic cream and antiseptics) with the exception of saline solution or distilled water (which can be used to cleanse the wound), you have to make sure that you understand wound drainage, it might smell a bit while healing (though I've never experienced this), sometimes it will stick to the gauze you are using so you have to use petroleum jelly or antibiotic cream to prevent that from happening, etc. It's a lot of work and it's not worth it, at least from my experience.

 

[SomePeacePlease]

Welcome here. I'm relatively new here myself, and have been showed nothing but love and understanding here. You are definitely among people that understand.

I've been cutting myself too, basically just to feel something other than apathy and hopelessness.

I considered cutting as a way to ctb, but understanding how deep and precise I have to cut, I've chosen a different way to go. I wish you nothing but the very best.

 

[sillypuppygirl]

Tbh, the scars I have from cutting from the mid-styro don't look much different from the scars I have from cutting down to the bean (though, most of my bean cuts were along the top of that layer). Some of them are a bit worse for some reason. Either way, I don't think you should be cutting deeper. Bean cuts require a lot more aftercare and take a lot longer to heal, so your chances of getting caught would only increase. That's not getting into the fact that it's typically recommended to get stitches if you cut that deep or if your cut gapes at a certain amount. If you don't plan on or can't get stitches (which you have to get within the next 6 to 8 hours after sustaining the injury) then you basically have to spend weeks being careful and making sure that your cuts don't get infected. The risk of infection goes up significantly once you hit the bean layer. You can't get anything in there, (including things, such as antibiotic cream and antiseptics) with the exception of saline solution or distilled water (which can be used to cleanse the wound), you have to make sure that you understand wound drainage, it might smell a bit while healing (though I've never experienced this), sometimes it will stick to the gauze you are using so you have to use petroleum jelly or antibiotic cream to prevent that from happening, etc. It's a lot of work and it's not worth it, at least from my experience.

Thank you so much for this info. I actually did not know a lot of this

 

[cali22♡]

First:

We are among ourselves here; everyone has their own problems, and this forum is meant to share them and talk about them openly without any restrictions.

I have been cutting myself for years, but I try to hide it as much as possible because I don't want to be insulted or anything like that. It has even gotten to the point where I have to wear sweaters in the summer, and I haven't worn a T-shirt outside the house for years. I feel very uncomfortable wearing a T-shirt.

 

[backtoearth]

i have cravings to go deeper into my skin. i have only ever made baby styros but i would love to make bigger scars. i dont know why? maybe for attention? but i dont know if i can do it because it makes me very squeamish to think about hitting a vein, or go to 'beans' level,,

I understand this so deeply, it's like part attention/part validation. Also the idea of a permanent large scar that will not fade the same as baby styro scars do, although if you can stick to styros that is the safer option long-term, it is difficult but one way I have dealt with those urges is really sitting and undoing the belief that "the bigger the wound - the sicker you are" and that made me appreciate my styros much more (if that makes any sense at all lol)

i would love to cut my wrists and just fade out of consciousness, which is weird because the thought of cutting that deep makes me sick and i dont think i could ever do that. adding onto that, if that were to happen, i think i would want someone to find me weirdly enough? i think i just want someone to be worried about me for once. is that bad? i just want someone to take me seriously.

I also fantasize about this, maybe it is all the media that has shown this method, but - as you have already said - it is so so unreliable and extremely risky because so many things could go wrong or permanently disable you. In theory though it is really appealing and obvious to what happened when you are found. Personally, I also am kind of jealous of people who have the willpower to cut that deep (in the same way I am a bit jealous of people who can lift heavy weights or read quickly), it just makes me question what is stopping me and why I can't get past the SI.

'I just want someone to take me seriously' - This is the bit that really hit me. All I crave is some care, some understanding, some fucking empathy; but instead I'm pushed to making myself get worse, be more violent towards myself, appear more ill to be taken seriously as someone who is just struggling with being alive.

 

[DeeDog]

Wow that's really relatable haha. I also have those urges to cut deeper and deeper, and would also far prefer ctbing by cutting rather than hanging or SN or smth, it's acc sad that it's so ineffective. Cutting really helps me feel at peace in a weird way, like I'm releasing myself of hatred. The marks and blood especially make me feel so much better. I'd love to die feeling that sense of ease and calm. I know it's really not recommended but I honestly wanna try it. Take some blood thinners and sleeping pills and go somewhere remote or smth idk.

I also used to cut for attention too, I would purpose where T-shirts to make people aware of what I was doing. I think it was when my parents found out that made me stop. They were so so so angry at me, and grounded me for some time (I think I was like 14/15). I just feel super shameful doing it now which sucks since it makes me feel so good lol. I hide it from family and friends now and have to wear hoodies in the summer which also sucks.

I think I also get what you mean with seeing if anyone would take it seriously. I think a lot of people who know me, know how I feel and just don't care. And the people I open up to fully just tend to distance themselves, which I honestly can't really blame them for. I don't really blame any of them for not caring though. Sometimes I do feel like they don't take it seriously, like cutting or ctbing is just being "edgy" or some shit. I feel like when I die I'll at least surprise them, and I admit there a few that I hope feel guilty.

 

[sillypuppygirl]

Wow that's really relatable haha. I also have those urges to cut deeper and deeper, and would also far prefer ctbing by cutting rather than hanging or SN or smth, it's acc sad that it's so ineffective. Cutting really helps me feel at peace in a weird way, like I'm releasing myself of hatred. The marks and blood especially make me feel so much better. I'd love to die feeling that sense of ease and calm. I know it's really not recommended but I honestly wanna try it. Take some blood thinners and sleeping pills and go somewhere remote or smth idk.

I also used to cut for attention too, I would purpose where T-shirts to make people aware of what I was doing. I think it was when my parents found out that made me stop. They were so so so angry at me, and grounded me for some time (I think I was like 14/15). I just feel super shameful doing it now which sucks since it makes me feel so good lol. I hide it from family and friends now and have to wear hoodies in the summer which also sucks.

I think I also get what you mean with seeing if anyone would take it seriously. I think a lot of people who know me, know how I feel and just don't care. And the people I open up to fully just tend to distance themselves, which I honestly can't really blame them for. I don't really blame any of them for not caring though. Sometimes I do feel like they don't take it seriously, like cutting or ctbing is just being "edgy" or some shit. I feel like when I die I'll at least surprise them, and I admit there a few that I hope feel guilty.

Yes wow I really relate to your words as well. I only made a similar comment on another thread about how i wouldn't even care if some people felt guilty, because of how shitty they made me feel for feeling like this in the first place.
I think my urge to ctb while cutting ultimately stems down to the fact that life just feels so peaceful when I do it. No panic, the world just feels quiet I guess. I would like to go that way. It makes me really sad that it's so ineffective.

 

[MillieXIO]

Hello friend!

I understand how you feel 100%. Cutting deeper is more gratifying, and the first time I did it, I felt this wave of relief wash over me. Like all the weight on my shoulders disappeared. But I got a little trigger happy and cut through a vein. It bled for a good three minutes while I panicked, but it did what blood does and clotted.

It's weird to say, but it was comforting to look at. Like, looking at the damage after is also part of the sh ritual.

Wanting to ctb by cutting is normal, I feel... but it's not nearly as poetic as it sounds, since the way you'd actually have to do it would be horrifically graphic and painful and not poetic at all. Unfortunately the only ways out are pretty complex :/