dating and bpd

[ctemourge]

i feel like im not good enough or deserving enough for the healthy relationship im in. it scares me to death. nobody could ever love me. be nice to me. notice me. hear me out. comfort me. there has to be something wrong about this right? theres something missing. i have this impending sense of doom. i really do. i put so many walls up. im scared to let him get too close. im not at all what anyone could love. im messy. im mean. im mentally ill. i dont want to get better. its not a place i want someone whos so good to me to be. how could someone want to want me? its like having a house set on fire and just sitting inside letting it burn you because you're so used to the pain. but why is he trying to put out the fire? cool down my burns? people fucking die for this. people would kill for the love i've received. and yet. i just feel as if its not real. nobody could ever love someone like me. im so used to cheating and lying and constant fighting. this is really bad on my anxiety and i feel so guilty about it. oh well. i deserve it
can anyone relate? or am i selfish and alone? its okay to tell me the truth. i just feel so useless. good or bad i cant ever get it right
i need to genuinely get my ctb plans together

 

[Namelesa]

While I am not diagnosed with bpd I relate to a lot of the symptoms of it. I feel like I don't deserve anything either and think I am completely worthless and so think I deserve to be treated badly but at the same time desire to be loved and valued. I am paranoid of doing anything wrong or showing too much of myself cus of fear of them hating me and/or abandoning me and so feel constant anxiety. I feel like I am too much of an emotionally burden on others as people don't know how to help me when I feel intense emotions and mental pain and feel guilty about that. This is how I felt during my 2nd relationship. We both had mental problems that made each feel worse and increased our mental issues in certain ways and it ended after a year and a bit.

I don't think you are selfish. You are just in such overwhelming pain that you are desperate to get out of.

 

[Tonic_Secrecy]

You're certainly not alone. I, myself, also feel like I don't deserve the relationship I'm in—that I can never provide the things she needs. No matter how hard I even attempt to try, it'll never be good enough because I simply don't deserve her.

I don't want to get better either. I want it to be over, but I also don't want it to cause her any harm. I don't want to hurt her. Being in the relationship ramps up my anxiety because I'm asexual, and I don't think I can satisfy her in those ways either. The pressure of existing, of being good enough—it's enough to break a person down.

Being in the mindset I'm in, I don't think I should personally be in a relationship. It'll only serve to bring her down as far as I've gone. However, I've seen people who thought the same way get into relationships—good ones—and get better, at least as far as I know. So, I'm conflicted. I don't know whether to continue going or just take my way out.

But no, I don't think you're selfish, and I don't think that feeling like you're not worthy or deserving of something good that's happening to you is a habit you should try to get rid of—though I know it's hard to do.

I hope that whatever you decide, you find your peace.

 

[ctemourge]

thank you both for making me feel so seen and not crazy for how i feel. i hope we all find peace one day. i know other people are worthy of love , even you two ! even if we are strangers. i hope that we all find the quiet and calm in the storm one day

 

[BlueButterfly111]

My boyfriend was bipolar, but I didn't even know it until he passed away and his sister told me, but I saw the signs. I still loved him and I wish he was here so bad. I promise there is people out there who will love you. He's been gone for almost 7 months now, and I wish I could have him back more than anything every day. I would've done anything for him, he was the most beautiful person. You are worthy of love.

 

[ctemourge]

My boyfriend was bipolar, but I didn't even know it until he passed away and his sister told me, but I saw the signs. I still loved him and I wish he was here so bad. I promise there is people out there who will love you. He's been gone for almost 7 months now, and I wish I could have him back more than anything every day. I would've done anything for him, he was the most beautiful person. You are worthy of love.

im so sorry for your loss thank you for your kind words.

 

[fawnfurever]

Hi, I've ruined a lot of great and wonderful things in my life due to BPD and self-destructive tendencies. I am in objectively a terrible position where I was saved from ctb, and live with the guilt of being a burden to others. It is now not in my imagination, I am one. I will give you some advice as someone who has probably the exact same mindset as you: there are two best choices. The third one is the one I took.
1) do your absolute, absolute best to build your self-esteem precluded from any external factors. The road to healing is a long one, perhaps a lifelong one, but it is essential to being a healthy person for yourself and others. Trust your loved ones when they say they love you, and put in every ounce of effort into giving back to them and your community. Focus on the present. You're in your head. Put in effort to get out of it, to do better and be healthier to yourself. Do hard things. Healing is hard.
2) have set, calculated plans to ctb, and succeed. A keystone of what makes BPD insufferable is non-lethal self-injuries. I'd rather have succeeded and be done with the drama rather than keep others worried about non-lethal attempts and injuries. Go big or go home…….
3) I did 1 and then 2, but failed at 2. I'm not stuck in an endless loop of waking up every day hating myself for all the damage I've caused, plus I'm still here, accountable and responsible for every detail and memory i know. With th pain of wondering what would've been if i had been any different, or if i succeeded in ctb.

I am not trying to encourage anything, but this is my experience as someone who has had BPD and my experience with it, and what I would;ve appreciated someone tell me years ago.

 

[Worndown]

My ex was untreated bipolar. It was a rough ride.
Does your partner know you are bipolar?
Are you receiving any treatment
Since you have a great relationship, lean on the stability it provides. Discuss this with your partner. Go over your feelings, fears and sense of instability.
They are dealing with this anyway, they might as well be given a chance to be part of the solution. Treatment is never perfect, but two of you can accomplish more than one.

 

[Hollowman]

My ex was untreated bipolar. It was a rough ride.
Does your partner know you are bipolar?
Are you receiving any treatment
Since you have a great relationship, lean on the stability it provides. Discuss this with your partner. Go over your feelings, fears and sense of instability.
They are dealing with this anyway, they might as well be given a chance to be part of the solution. Treatment is never perfect, but two of you can accomplish more than one.

BPD=borderline personality disorder

 

[futurecorpse]

Although I can't relate to being in a healthy relationship, I can understand the thoughts of feeling like you don't deserve good things including someone loving you the way you deserve to be loved. (I also have bpd.) A thought like "I'm so damaged and broken" only reinforces the idea that I should be with someone who can't even give me the bare minimum. There's a quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower that goes "We accept the love we think we deserve." What do you think of that? I think, even though you're telling yourself that you don't deserve someone who's so good to you, your subconscious mind is saying otherwise. Bpd LOVES to mess with our brain and our relationships. It's so easy to spiral and burn bridges in the process. I don't think you're selfish one bit. I think it's the bpd and past experiences that's telling you you aren't deserving of honest and pure love. But you are

 

[LivingANDDying26]

I don't identifying with BPD but more so tendencies especially with those that relate but thats my own internalize ableism coming through. I have CPTSD. I am always feeling unworthy of good relationships wondering why no ones left me but alas. Some have stuck around. Some that identify with trauma and/or BPD themselves or don't but get it and try to love those of us that do. I fucking love them and will till the the end of time. Within that love I try to see myself. I am deserving of love. Typing this I feel crazy. But ik... its ok.


You are deserving of love. BPD doesn't mean you are broken or unworthy. It means youve gone through a lot. You deserve love. Sometimes we just get tired of the fight to get "better". Better can mean so many dif things. Sometimes it just means breathing with a heart beat. And thats ok. Ok off my sappy soap box but yee thpse are my thoughts.


I may regret em and delete but yeah

 

[restless111]

I can totally relate. I have debilitating anxiety and while my boyfriend is kind and livening and patient, I am terrified that one day it will all be too much. I'm so scared that one day he will realise that I am not worth the constant stress and he will find a normal, healthy, happy girl who he doesn't have to constantly reassure.