Day #231 of no suicidal ideation ™️

[Sleeper System]

I haven't needed to come here as much since I'm currently in the longest "calm before the storm" phase that I've had between intrusive ctb thoughts in a long time. A little over 7 months of putting wanting to die in the back of my mind.

I'm still a loser. Still slaving a way at a mediocre job.
Still wasting my life. Still eating to sooth my soul.
Just living a state of subjective balance before chaos comes.

Yeah... the inevitability of knowing that suicidal thoughts will always be in your future is very daunting. I'm doing okay all things considered.

I've taken to playing cod-mobile and it has helped me a lot with keeping distracted. The less time I spend thinking the better for my mental health.

Just wanted to check in and not let my account go to waste.
I know I'll need it again one of these days and I'm so very thankful for this community and what it represents.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I don't really know you from here, but I'm honestly glad that you seem to be doing better, at least in the form of keeping the suicidal ideation at bay. Did you have a medicinal change that was able to "help" you out? Or, is it just an "organic long streak" stoked along by who knows what? Regardless, I hope you can hold onto it for, at least, another 7 months, hopefully for all time. Congratulations!

 

[gogoprince]

It sounds like you're surviving in spite of suffering for so long which is amazing. Sometimes that's the best we can do at any given time!

Congrats on 231 days! I'm glad you're still here with us! You've given me more courage to keep living. Thank you.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm glad you're doing better and congrats on 231 days! That's so great!

 

[BojackHorseman]

I'm glad youre doing better, 7 months is an impressive amount of time! I'd be lying if I said I wasnt just a tiny, tiny bit jealous but I am legit happy for you.
I feel you when you say its daunting to know those thoughts are in the future. Even when I actually have a good day, if I dont keep myself sufficiently distracted, I get very upset thinking about the future. It scares me, cause I know those suicidal thoughts will eventually come back, and I really really dont want them to. Sometimes I have a day of peace, sometimes only an hour. I dont think I've ever went longer than a few weeks though.
I wish you the best, I hope your peace continues.

 

[Sleeper System]

I don't really know you from here, but I'm honestly glad that you seem to be doing better, at least in the form of keeping the suicidal ideation at bay. Did you have a medicinal change that was able to "help" you out? Or, is it just an "organic long streak" stoked along by who knows what? Regardless, I hope you can hold onto it for, at least, another 7 months, hopefully for all time. Congratulations!

Thank you for your well wishes! To answer your question, no, no medication. I've never been diagnosed or sought out any medical help with this. It's the kind of thing that once on record it follows you throughout the rest of your life. I guess you can call it "hope" thinking that things might get better and I don't want to shoot myself in the leg by placing that limitation/stigma on myself. Ah. The paradox and contradictions of a tormented existence. (channeling funeral cry)

It's all just numbing the brain with useless things like TV shows and games.

It sounds like you're surviving in spite of suffering for so long which is amazing. Sometimes that's the best we can do at any given time!

Congrats on 231 days! I'm glad you're still here with us! You've given me more courage to keep living. Thank You.

Thank you.
Yeah, it's kind if tragic that the ability to think has such duality. It's good to have common sense but too much intellect can poison you. So you have to introduce little distractions or hobbies to ground yourself sometimes.

I'm glad youre doing better, 7 months is an impressive amount of time! I'd be lying if I said I wasnt just a tiny, tiny bit jealous but I am legit happy for you.
I feel you when you say its daunting to know those thoughts are in the future. Even when I actually have a good day, if I dont keep myself sufficiently distracted, I get very upset thinking about the future. It scares me, cause I know those suicidal thoughts will eventually come back, and I really really dont want them to. Sometimes I have a day of peace, sometimes only an hour. I dont think I've ever went longer than a few weeks though.
I wish you the best, I hope your peace continues.

Thank you. It's a small victory for now so I'll take whatever I can get because when the real shit hits the fan no amount of logic or numbing will help me.

The future makes me angry too. It's because it's determined by the present. So if you don't feel like you're moving forward or achieving something right now then when that future comes you believe you will be at a disadvantage and in for even more of the same suffering.

A comedian "Bill Burr" said something that has helped me a lot which is surprising because you never know who might say something that resonates. It can come from the most unlikely person.

But anyway... he said something to the effect of:

Bad things are going to happen in the future but isn't it better to act as if everything is fine until it isnt? Then when it isn't fine you can deal with it then and now ruin your day now.

Wise words that I'm trying to hold on to.

I'm glad you're doing better and congrats on 231 days! That's so great!

Thanks! Good to see you're still around. Not good... but you know what I mean. Yeah, the fight never ends. Small wins.

 

[Abandoned Character]

I have described my periods of peace as "calm before the storm" as well. It is soothing to hear someone experiencing a very similar affliction. Knowing that, even though things are good right now, one day I will feel the overwhelming sense of despair. For me they call it Bipolar, which I am learning to not be ashamed of. My unique neurobiology presents itself with its own challenges that I must ultimately surmount by my own will. A herculean task, truly.

 

[Steff1337]

Congratulations, keep going, be strong.