Days when I'm less suicidal are much more difficult

[sickboy55]

There are days when I'm sure i will 100% CTB in the near future as my life has gone wrong in nearly every way possible, and this feeling is quite peaceful as the only thing I have to think about is how and when I will CTB.

However, when I think there is still hope, it becomes overwhelming because I have to find out how I could solve my dozens of problems, what I will do if I stay chronically ill for all my life, what will happen to me as the worl becomes increasingly unliveable etc.

Anyone with similar experience?

 

[metothemoon]

Oh this is so the same for me. Sometimes I "prefer" the crisis and the planning of the CTB, because that is my only "responsibility" then. When life gets a bit "better", I am expected to live and get my shit together, which seems sometimes so much harder than just ending it

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

This is kinda what's going on with me. Recently I decided that I would ctb in March of 2025, although after that I've gotten really calm, and I enjoy things a lot more, to the point where I almost don't want to die. It's an annoying irony that the moment I set my eyes on suicide, I suddenly feel better, even when I know this entire thing is hopeless.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I feel the same, I hate when I'm not 100% sure I want to CTB. Makes me confused, and also gives me false hope of it actually getting bette.r

 

[anemicamoeba]

I completely feel this. I have many disabling conditions too and it requires so much work and doctor's appointments just to keep them from getting worse. Just like, eating every day requires a great deal of management. So the thought of leaving is a great relief, and I kind of get scared when I don't feel so suicidal because then I have to manage everything going forward, and what if my life keeps getting worse but I'm trapped in it?

For me it helps some to try and live in a one day at a time mindset as much as possible. I used to believe I would recover from chronic illness but atm I don't and it's really heavy to view the future with mostly fear of life being even worse (but also that bit of hope that makes me think not quite yet). It's honestly so much more peaceful to be content with going, and feel like I don't have any responsibilities beyond the next months.

I'm really sorry you're suffering too. I hope your health improves

 

[sickboy55]

I completely feel this. I have many disabling conditions too and it requires so much work and doctor's appointments just to keep them from getting worse. Just like, eating every day requires a great deal of management. So the thought of leaving is a great relief, and I kind of get scared when I don't feel so suicidal because then I have to manage everything going forward, and what if my life keeps getting worse but I'm trapped in it?

For me it helps some to try and live in a one day at a time mindset as much as possible. I used to believe I would recover from chronic illness but atm I don't and it's really heavy to view the future with mostly fear of life being even worse (but also that bit of hope that makes me think not quite yet). It's honestly so much more peaceful to be content with going, and feel like I don't have any responsibilities beyond the next months.

I'm really sorry you're suffering too. I hope your health improves

I'm sorrry to hear that you are in this situation. I also find it more peaceful not to obsess about wanting to recover and only plan a few weeks ahead. It was difficult to explain to people why I don't have a detailed plan about how I will get better and what I will do after that, so I stopped trying.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think I've had an underlying suicidal streak for the majority of my life- at least 34 years. So, I'm not sure I ever feel that hopeful for life. Situations developing that will require a lot of commitment do trouble me though. In terms of- they could interfere with my ultimate goal. Plus- I agree- the amount of work they're likely to entail just seems daunting now. But then, everything about life feels daunting now to be honest. Plus, there is that fear that feeling hopeful will end in deeper disappointment if the hoped for thing doesn't materialise. I know what you mean. At least we know where we are with suicidal thoughts.