Dealing with regrets

[shy]

I regret a lot of things. Looking back at choices I've made in the past with my current knowledge hurts, because of how obviously stupid those choices appear to me now. While back when I originally made those choices, they seemed perfectly reasonable to me. I'm especially hung up on the choices I made education/career wise, even though I didn't know any better at the time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's easy to forget what you didn't know in the past and blame yourself for it in the present. Even if I acknowledge that, it doesn't make me regret most of my choices any less. So, is my only option to wait for time travel to be a thing or is there a secret to accepting the position in life you ended up in?

 

[Julgran]

I regret a lot of things. Looking back at choices I've made in the past with my current knowledge hurts, because of how obviously stupid those choices appear to me now. While back when I originally made those choices, they seemed perfectly reasonable to me. I'm especially hung up on the choices I made education/career wise, even though I didn't know any better at the time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's easy to forget what you didn't know in the past and blame yourself for it in the present. Even if I acknowledge that, it doesn't make me regret most of my choices any less. So, is my only option to wait for time travel to be a thing or is there a secret to accepting the position in life you ended up in?

Sure, it's easy to regret things in life, but the things that you regret were most likely done because of your mental or physical health back then - isn't that so...? If that's the case, the reget may linger, but you are not any worse of a person for having "failed"

In other words - we are products of our circumstances. At least that's what I believe.

Regarding the secret to finding acceptance in life, I'm not sure that there is such a thing, but from my own perspective, life ends eventually - no matter if it is by our own hands, or by age - so anything that happens until then actually has no value, so we may just do the best that we can to live a life in the best way that we can.

 

[Againstthewind]

Y'know, I wouldn't get hung up about regrets, sure we can think about things we could change if it would have made things better or not in our lives, but that's the part of living.
Even if you think you could have made better choices of people, or school or work or whatever, it all leads you somewhere, just in a general different direction you didn't think of.
I don't believe life to be this correct way of doing things or set out in a particular way, I think fate is horseshit also.
There's different paths that we take that all lead in different directions, I just don't think there is a right or a wrong one. Every questionable 'bad' thing that you think affected you, is just a learning experience for the next problem you then face, that you may be able to handle in a better way.

Mistakes are learning experiences, the past is the past, let it be and let it go, my friend.

 

[shy]

Y'know, I wouldn't get hung up about regrets, sure we can think about things we could change if it would have made things better or not in our lives, but that's the part of living.
Even if you think you could have made better choices of people, or school or work or whatever, it all leads you somewhere, just in a general different direction you didn't think of.
I don't believe life to be this correct way of doing things or set out in a particular way, I think fate is horseshit also.
There's different paths that we take that all lead in different directions, I just don't think there is a right or a wrong one. Every questionable 'bad' thing that you think affected you, is just a learning experience for the next problem you then face, that you may be able to handle in a better way.

Mistakes are learning experiences, the past is the past, let it be and let it go, my friend.

Regretting enough of my past decisions makes it hard to be decisive in the present. And is probably even worse than just being regretful alone. Having had enough learning experiences, but still not feel like I have learned anything.

The possibility of there being other routes that in life that would have led to a better outcome and that I am the only one to blame for not choosing those routes makes me feel like shit.

 

[abyss]

I relate to this line of thinking a lot. But time does help, even if it doesn't quite heal everything. Dwelling on the past has no benefit unless we learn. If you're saying you're not learning from your mistakes, is the root cause some emotional problem causing you to make rash or ill-informed decisions where you're not drawing on your past experiences? For me this is the case. I chose the wrong path in life so many times because I wasn't stopping to think rationally or logically, I was often just letting my feelings like infatuation, frustration, anger, get the better of me.
Forming new memories and getting new experiences can help you move on from regrets. Even if it's something really small at first, building on good decisions often helps with moving on from regret. The worst thing you can do is lock yourself away with your thoughts, constantly beating yourself up.

 

[Cosmic dust]

I think its a "The neighbor's grass is always greener" thing, its easy to imagine that the other decision, the other option, the one that we didn't pick, would have had a better outcome, its easy to imagine that because we have not experienced taking that decision, but its not exactly true.

Sometimes we regret things only because we wish we could see and experience the other path, but we only feel that way because we have already experienced our current path, if we had made a different dicision, we could just as well be regreting that we didn't make the decision that we actually made.

I guess that there is no denying that we get more experienced as we grow older and that makes us realize that some decisions aren't really the best ones, but there is no way to be one 100% sure of that, because we didn't live it, it could have led us to something that is just different, but not necessarily better, and since you simply didn't know any better back then, you can't really blame ourself for making the decisions that you made, can you?

 

[shy]

I relate to this line of thinking a lot. But time does help, even if it doesn't quite heal everything. Dwelling on the past has no benefit unless we learn. If you're saying you're not learning from your mistakes, is the root cause some emotional problem causing you to make rash or ill-informed decisions where you're not drawing on your past experiences? For me this is the case. I chose the wrong path in life so many times because I wasn't stopping to think rationally or logically, I was often just letting my feelings like infatuation, frustration, anger, get the better of me.
Forming new memories and getting new experiences can help you move on from regrets. Even if it's something really small at first, building on good decisions often helps with moving on from regret. The worst thing you can do is lock yourself away with your thoughts, constantly beating yourself up.

I don't think I make rash decision, quite the opposite actually. I think a lot about things, but it still ends in dissatisfaction most of the time. I can relate to feelings influencing some of my bigger decisions in life, like when life pushes you into a corner and you absolutely have to make a choice.

I think its a "The neighbor's grass is always greener" thing, its easy to imagine that the other decision, the other option, the one that we didn't pick, would have had a better outcome, its easy to imagine that because we have not experienced taking that decision, but its not exactly true.

Sometimes we regret things only because we wish we could see and experience the other path, but we only feel that way because we have already experienced our current path, if we had made a different dicision, we could just as well be regreting that we didn't make the decision that we actually made.

I guess that there is no denying that we get more experienced as we grow older and that makes us realize that some decisions aren't really the best ones, but there is no way to be one 100% sure of that, because we didn't live it, it could have led us to something that is just different, but not necessarily better, and since you simply didn't know any better back then, you can't really blame ourself for making the decisions that you made, can you?

I think that's what is bothering me the most. I daydream a ton and have played out many "what if" scenarios in my head.

 

[Againstthewind]

Regretting enough of my past decisions makes it hard to be decisive in the present. And is probably even worse than just being regretful alone. Having had enough learning experiences, but still not feel like I have learned anything.

The possibility of there being other routes that in life that would have led to a better outcome and that I am the only one to blame for not choosing those routes makes me feel like shit.

I know you are blaming yourself, but you are getting wrapped up in punishing yourself for things you feel you should have gotten right. You may not feel like you have learnt anything now, because you are still in the mindset of thinking you messed up, but you are only going to fully feel like you learnt a lesson in the future when the situation arises again. Say for example, you went through a break up, you may blame yourself thinking, man if I only did 'x' thing we would still be together. Not necessarily, you may look at the way you behaved or the way you handled tough situations as wrong, however you may go into another relationship and will be a bit more sharper on your attitude, thinking 'okay maybe I can handle this a little differently then I did before'.

Man, you can't be playing out many scenarios of what you think your life or decisions should be, we have no way of navigating life's waters, we just go ahead and do it. Be a bit more kinder to yourself my friend, you and your brain are only doing what you think is right, your decisions are not your failures!

 

[Ethereal Knight]

I daydream a ton and have played out many "what if" scenarios in my head.

I think that maybe you're doing "rumination" even without noticing it. check this:

"In the ancestral environment, people had less time to sit alone and think negative thoughts. There were often activities to do, or other people around to serve as distractions. This is no longer the case, and many people in the modern environment may find they have plenty of opportunity to ruminate.

Rumination, a habit that many depressed people get into, is dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings. Rather than coming up with a solution to a problem and acting on it, people with depression often let their negative thoughts spiral out of control. It is important to recognize rumination for what it is and put a stop to it immediately. Rumination only makes peoples' moods worse. When you find yourself doing it, do one of these things: call a friend, exercise, write down the negative thoughts in a journal, or do some other pleasant activity (like knitting, reading, or another hobby)."



(source 1)
(source 2)

 

[justwannadip]

Don't have any advice, just here to tell you you're not alone. I live in regret, what-if's and self-blame every day. Its exhausting. Hope you find a way out of it

 

[MaximusDecimus]

I wish I had some comforting words to write to you, but I don''t other than to write that you aren't the only one. There was another thread where someone asked to write exactly one word to describe your mood. Mine was regretful, so yeah I feel you man.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I regret a lot of things. Looking back at choices I've made in the past with my current knowledge hurts, because of how obviously stupid those choices appear to me now. While back when I originally made those choices, they seemed perfectly reasonable to me. I'm especially hung up on the choices I made education/career wise, even though I didn't know any better at the time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's easy to forget what you didn't know in the past and blame yourself for it in the present. Even if I acknowledge that, it doesn't make me regret most of my choices any less. So, is my only option to wait for time travel to be a thing or is there a secret to accepting the position in life you ended up in?

I think we have to grieve what's been lost to us, and regret is a feeling of loss. We end up carrying that loss around so today and tomorrow is somewhat occupied by the past. Finding a way to forgive ourselves, accept and move on. I think it helps to really slow things down and process all of it.

 

[MarsProxy]

I feel partly responsible for why my partner died. I delayed many things due to cowardice and that wasn't good for his mental health, but I do understand that, inevitably, suicide was his choice. I do regret holding him back, but I know that I can't hold onto that and have to move on. It's really easy to dwell on regrets and I'm still working through my shit, but moving on and minimizing how much time you spend on it is going to help.

 

[emptyenvelopes]

I regret a lot of things. Looking back at choices I've made in the past with my current knowledge hurts, because of how obviously stupid those choices appear to me now. While back when I originally made those choices, they seemed perfectly reasonable to me. I'm especially hung up on the choices I made education/career wise, even though I didn't know any better at the time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's easy to forget what you didn't know in the past and blame yourself for it in the present. Even if I acknowledge that, it doesn't make me regret most of my choices any less. So, is my only option to wait for time travel to be a thing or is there a secret to accepting the position in life you ended up in?

These are great questions and although I don't have the answer, I want you to know that you are not alone. And that there are people out there you will meet that know nothing of you or your past and your regrets won't apply to them. That's the life I hope for, a new community of people who love the me that's grown for the better and will see me that way.

 

[Abandoned Character]

A big change for me was really understanding how unproductive rumination is. Recycling the same thoughts over and over in these patterns of self-loathing is just so unhealthy. Of course, I still do it.

Sometimes I don't brush my teeth twice a day, but that is still the benchmark. I try to eat less processed foods, I try to exercise at least a non-zero amount. In the same vein, when I see my mind veering into self-loathing, I may sometimes successfully refocus my energy towards something more productive. Sometimes I'm not successful, and I am not really keeping score.

It can be said in all sorts of ways, but another piece of advice that I really took to heart was "get over yourself." You're really not that important, so why treat every single thing as a huge problem? Easier said than done, sure, but you really don't notice the micro-adjustments you make for yourself until a while after.