B
BoneWeary57
Member
- Jun 5, 2024
- 36
Started yet another job yesterday, everyone was super nice and welcoming...which only made it worse. I realized I just cannot continue to live in a life where I have to fake everything. Have to act happy, interested, competent when the truth is 99.9% of my energy every.single.day is spent trying to keep my head above water..and yesterday I realized, I have no idea why I continue to fight to remain here. Not everything about the world or life sucks, there are some truly beautiful things. Some people seem to have the charmed life or a bubbly personality. I use to be a lot happier, a lot more stable but that was before so much was lost to me. I saw yesterday, with these nice people with their families and careers that my deficits and lack on so many levels...the difference is too glaring to ignore anymore. I'm tired of being tired, shamed, running on empty and yesterday, for the first time truly, it hit me that I have also lost every shred of hope I've held onto.
My date is going to be Oct. 1. I am literally negative in my bank account so I have to wait for a few paychecks so I can order the SN. I am also going to my doctor, ask for Ambien for sleep and something for anxiety so I will have a months worth of both in addition to the SN. I am going to spend the next few weeks writing a note to my spouse as well as listing all the bills so on top of everything he won't have to deal with figuring that out. I am also going to find out about the cremation , cost etc. and hopefully be able to afford to pre pay that as well. I know where I want my ashes so now..its only matter of time.
My date is going to be Oct. 1. I am literally negative in my bank account so I have to wait for a few paychecks so I can order the SN. I am also going to my doctor, ask for Ambien for sleep and something for anxiety so I will have a months worth of both in addition to the SN. I am going to spend the next few weeks writing a note to my spouse as well as listing all the bills so on top of everything he won't have to deal with figuring that out. I am also going to find out about the cremation , cost etc. and hopefully be able to afford to pre pay that as well. I know where I want my ashes so now..its only matter of time.