I have a mental illness which causes me extreme delusions, paranoia, impulsions, ECT. I was born with this illness and have shown concerning signs of bipolar and schizo as early as the age of eight. I saw what I thought to be dead people and demons almost constantly and held delusions that something was out to get me. Eventually this thing became visible to me. It would whisper things to me, telling me to do bad things. For a year straight at the age of 12 I watched a twisted version of myself climb out of the vent above my door and watch me sleep every night while it told me to do evil acts. The year prior, the same thing would watch me get on the bus on my way to school and it would tell me that when I stepped off the bus it would take my soul. I saw this thing for years until I turned 16. Prior to turning 16 I also showed signs of multiple personality disorder. There were several people in my head and I wasn't always me sometimes I was one of them. At 16 something happened and I lost all of the voices but two. The person I see and the evil thing. Therapy did not work. I turned to dr** usage and ODed twice. I became even more reckless and I couldn't tell apart fantasy from reality. Both times I ODed I saw what I thought to be the angel of d*ath and have been scared ever since. Even now I feel it watching me ready to pull me back into the dark abyss. Even with proper psychiatric medication I was still unstable. The medication was never enough to keep me functioning like a normal human being. The more they upped the dosage the less I felt. Eventually I was so h*GH on medication that I felt like I was dreaming. I got tired of not feeling alive and quit medication altogether. Now I am convinced if I OD I will be given a second chance at life and will be restored to a time I almost d*ed eight years ago. I know if I said any of this to anyone they would commit me and say that I am crazy. I've already been to places that said they could help. The delusions and hallucinations have never stopped. Will ODing and going back even fix anything? The parasite will still be there, it's always been there, I know I'm crazy but why? Why am I crazy? Why was I born this way? What did I do to be born this way? Are there other people like me out there? Or am I the only one whose crazy? Is any of this even real, nothing has ever felt real to me, is that simply what it means to be human? If anyone else has felt this way, please give me your wisdom
It's worse because after being sober for almost three years I have began to relapse, I don't wanna d*e an addict, I'm not crazy, I know the path to salvation,
Since the beginning I have known how things would end. Imagine being 10 and knowing you would d*e by your own hand. What an ugly way to live, this is all because I prayed for the devil to be released from his sin as a child. My actions d*mned me and now I am paying the price. F*CK religion, I'm scared
I pray for my salvation and ask God to have mercy on my soul as I begin my transition into enlightenment. My soul is His to take as I atone for my sins. I shall be thy sacrificial lamb and my body shall atone for my wh*rish nature, my unpure thoughts of the same sex, my disobedience to my parents, my worship of false idols, and all other wrongdoings. The only way to gain the Lord's good graces is to purge the evil and offer up myself to be made new and pure. Designed in his perfect image I shall right my wrongs through blood and ensure the salvation of my loved ones dead and alive
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