ItsAllSoTiresome
Member
- Mar 7, 2024
- 21
Of all the tiresome societal tropes about depression, this is the one that grinds my gears the most. Speaking only from personal experience, of the few times in my life where I have been genuinely open with my friends or family about my depression and/or suicidal ideation, one of two things have happened:
The angry, outraged "how could you say those things?!" response
They burst into tears, react with raw anger and outrage, admonish me for how I could possibly say such things (having previously demanded to be told "what's wrong?"), and demand that I see a doctor or call a suicide hotline RIGHT NOW. On one occasion, my father dragged me to the doctor's office, where I saw a doctor who I had never met and had no idea of my mental history, who prescribed me some pills (medication has never, ever worked for me, but I imagine he felt the need to be seen to be doing something to appease my father) and gave me the details of two private therapists who charge hundreds of pounds an hour and whom I couldn't possibly afford, because "you won't be getting much help on the NHS I'm afraid". On one level, I appreciated the doctor for his honesty and frankness, but my being forced to see him for a rushed 10-minute appointment when I was at almost the lowest point in my life and could barely string a sentence together was ultimately of very little use and only worsened my mental turmoil.
On the subject of suicide hotlines, I appreciate they may be of use to some depressed/suicidal people, but as an autistic for whom phone calls cause a significant degree of anxiety, I have never felt like they would be helpful for me personally. You are also taking something of a gamble when calling one; while you might get lucky and talk with a caring, non-judgemental, empathetic person, you might end up with a poorly-trained, inexperienced call handler who can do nothing more than offer the same empty platitudes like "it gets better", "this too shall pass" and "there is light at the end of the tunnel" that I'm sure we have all heard a thousand times. There is also the possibility that your call might not even be answered at all due to high call volume and understaffing, meaning you only receive a recorded message telling you to "call back later".
They go into "problem solving" mode instead of empathizing with your struggles
Another response is for your friend to immediately go into "problem solving" mode and launch into a lecture about how to stop feeling depressed I need to dramatically and immediately change my life, telling me I need to go back to college, relocate to a new area, apply for a different job, go to the gym, take up jogging, stop drinking, improve my diet, take up meditation and practice yoga as the sun rises etc etc etc...you get the picture.
It seems the logic behind this kind of response seems to be "these are all the things that made me feel better, so they will make you feel better too". That's nice, but the difference here is that you are a mentally healthy person with a stable career, while I am a trainwreck long-term unemployed autistic alcoholic for whom merely getting out of bed and taking a shower feels like a major achievement, and you suddenly launching into "inspirational life coach giving the sad character in a movie an inspirational pep talk" achieves nothing other than making me feel even more useless and guilty that I cannot summon the energy to do these things that normal, healthy people are capable of. Also, on the subject of exercise, I am well aware that it generally improves your mental health, but I also resent the "just go to the gym bro" mentality that many people seem to have these days, as if the gym is a magic panacea that will solve all mental and physical problems. For overweight depressed women for example, they already feel deeply shitty about their bodies and hectoring them to go to a place where they have to wear tight revealing clothing and exercise around other people, with all the fear of judgement that entails, really isn't going to be a pleasant prospect for them. To me, if I can manage a simple walk in the park it feels like an achievement, I have no desire to to anything more rigorous than that.
In conclusion, I only feel comfortable expressing my depression and suicidality in forums such as this one, as this is the only place I feel like I can do so without being frogmarched to the doctors' office, being told that "this will pass" or that I should "just go to the gym bro". I suspect many others may feel the same, and this is why the forum's popularity has grown, as a response to the maddeningly simplistic and counter-productive "advice" depressed and/or suicidal people are so frequently given.
The angry, outraged "how could you say those things?!" response
They burst into tears, react with raw anger and outrage, admonish me for how I could possibly say such things (having previously demanded to be told "what's wrong?"), and demand that I see a doctor or call a suicide hotline RIGHT NOW. On one occasion, my father dragged me to the doctor's office, where I saw a doctor who I had never met and had no idea of my mental history, who prescribed me some pills (medication has never, ever worked for me, but I imagine he felt the need to be seen to be doing something to appease my father) and gave me the details of two private therapists who charge hundreds of pounds an hour and whom I couldn't possibly afford, because "you won't be getting much help on the NHS I'm afraid". On one level, I appreciated the doctor for his honesty and frankness, but my being forced to see him for a rushed 10-minute appointment when I was at almost the lowest point in my life and could barely string a sentence together was ultimately of very little use and only worsened my mental turmoil.
On the subject of suicide hotlines, I appreciate they may be of use to some depressed/suicidal people, but as an autistic for whom phone calls cause a significant degree of anxiety, I have never felt like they would be helpful for me personally. You are also taking something of a gamble when calling one; while you might get lucky and talk with a caring, non-judgemental, empathetic person, you might end up with a poorly-trained, inexperienced call handler who can do nothing more than offer the same empty platitudes like "it gets better", "this too shall pass" and "there is light at the end of the tunnel" that I'm sure we have all heard a thousand times. There is also the possibility that your call might not even be answered at all due to high call volume and understaffing, meaning you only receive a recorded message telling you to "call back later".
They go into "problem solving" mode instead of empathizing with your struggles
Another response is for your friend to immediately go into "problem solving" mode and launch into a lecture about how to stop feeling depressed I need to dramatically and immediately change my life, telling me I need to go back to college, relocate to a new area, apply for a different job, go to the gym, take up jogging, stop drinking, improve my diet, take up meditation and practice yoga as the sun rises etc etc etc...you get the picture.
It seems the logic behind this kind of response seems to be "these are all the things that made me feel better, so they will make you feel better too". That's nice, but the difference here is that you are a mentally healthy person with a stable career, while I am a trainwreck long-term unemployed autistic alcoholic for whom merely getting out of bed and taking a shower feels like a major achievement, and you suddenly launching into "inspirational life coach giving the sad character in a movie an inspirational pep talk" achieves nothing other than making me feel even more useless and guilty that I cannot summon the energy to do these things that normal, healthy people are capable of. Also, on the subject of exercise, I am well aware that it generally improves your mental health, but I also resent the "just go to the gym bro" mentality that many people seem to have these days, as if the gym is a magic panacea that will solve all mental and physical problems. For overweight depressed women for example, they already feel deeply shitty about their bodies and hectoring them to go to a place where they have to wear tight revealing clothing and exercise around other people, with all the fear of judgement that entails, really isn't going to be a pleasant prospect for them. To me, if I can manage a simple walk in the park it feels like an achievement, I have no desire to to anything more rigorous than that.
In conclusion, I only feel comfortable expressing my depression and suicidality in forums such as this one, as this is the only place I feel like I can do so without being frogmarched to the doctors' office, being told that "this will pass" or that I should "just go to the gym bro". I suspect many others may feel the same, and this is why the forum's popularity has grown, as a response to the maddeningly simplistic and counter-productive "advice" depressed and/or suicidal people are so frequently given.
