Depression has ruined my life

[terra.nuvo]

Depression has taken so much from me: my intelligence, my personality, my friends. All I am is a shell of my former self and I can't see a way out of this. I can't see a way that my life will get better after everything I've tried. It's funny, in the past I've been able to get out of the depression and find meaning and happiness in life again but this time is different. Maybe it's because I'm an adult again and everything gets harder when you're an adult but I just wish I could do now what I've done in the past and get better. But I don't see that for myself. My therapist told me to fake it 'til I make it but I can't even seem to do that. I hate this life. I hate that it's so hard to be my old self again. I hate that he's gone forever when he didn't even get a real chance at life. He had so much going for him. So much hope. And look at me now.

I keep praying for death but it never comes and it saddens me. But I'm on a journey of recovery and I made the choice to stick to that so I can't revert back to my old ways. But how do I keep myself from wanting to CTB? I have no idea. Especially when it seems like all the odds are stacked up against me.

I'm such a loser and a failure and I don't want to live anymore, but I'm too scared to CTB honestly. If I didn't have the fear of coming back in another life or really just of the unknown in general, I'd be gone by now. I keep praying for life to get better but it never does. Well when it does and it seems like I can have some hope I get sent two steps backwards and I'm basically back where I started again hoping for death. When will this cycle finally be over. When will I either be free of this pain or free from this life? I hate it here so much.

 

[marsupial]

Sometimes I think back to the periods of time I was able to get unstuck - what helped? Was I eating more/less? Did I talk more/less? Did someone check in? Did I talk to someone? There's no formula for any one person (obv), but I've noticed there isn't one for each 'episode' either. Sometimes it feels like they never really end, that I never really *stop* feeling down, but that my brain gives itself a little 'reboot' or 'recharge' every so often enough that I can mask for just enough time to maintain some degree of normalcy/functioning in my life..

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

Your post resonated with me. How long have you been in this situation? I don't know how you would 'fake it till you make it' in a deep depression like this.

Glad to see you not wanting to ctb. There is still hope that it will get better.

 

[Zazacosta]

I do not know you, but from you wrote, I assume we have at least few things in common.
I am mid-age man, suffering from depression since childhood.
My life is like a sine wave. I had periods in my life, when I felt very miserable and periods when I felt good.
Like @marsupial wrote, there is no formula for everyone.

But for me, it always helped me to cut off every piece of my life which caused me to feel bad.
I do not know if it is a good approach or not, but it helped me many times.
If I felt miserable because of some family member, I stopped to see them.
E.t.c...
I lost people, friends, jobs, schools and many other things because of this approach.
But I always recovered and found new ways how to adapt and get better again.
Maybe this is very self-destructive approach. And it will definitelly not work for everybody.

But what I think might help you, to try analyse what causes your bad moods, what keeps you down.
Try to at least avoid these situations/people...
And try to do things which you like, which motivate you.
I am definitelly not encouraging you to my approach. But I think that limiting the things which get you down might help.

I hope you will find your own ways to get better. I wish that for you!

 

[terra.nuvo]

Your post resonated with me. How long have you been in this situation? I don't know how you would 'fake it till you make it' in a deep depression like this.

Glad to see you not wanting to ctb. There is still hope that it will get better.

About 3 years for this current stint of major depression but been depressed for about 10 years now. And yeah I have no idea how I'm supposed to fake it til I make it when I don't even remember how to make it at all. It's like my therapist doesn't realize that depression is all encompassing and makes it feel impossible to do things that normally would feel trivial to most people. I hate this depression I'm in right now its terrible.

 

[greebo6]

Depression is a greedy beast. It takes everything you got and keeps coming back for more.....