Venting Depression Session

[muretax]

I'm just going to jump right into it. I left a management position last year to take care of my mental health. I almost didn't make it this far and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've been unemployed since late last October and I got my first interview for a new job next week and usually I'm excited over it but I don't want to do it. I need money coming in but I don't have the will nor the motivation to have a job. I don't think I'm ready. The past few days I was set on ending it, I was going to do it today but my dad is feeling sensitive bcus I was upset last night for messing up dinner and I don't want him thinking that was the small little thing that drove me over the edge. I'm already struggling with the biological will to live, whenever I practice my mind starts panicking cus well it knows what I'm trying to do. Yesterday was filled with a lot of emotions and honestly, I just wanted to get it done last night but I couldn't trust not to be checked up on for at least 45 minutes. I'm exhausted of feeling this emptiness everyday like nothing matters anymore. I'm not even excited for the future. I don't want to do it. Getting a car, getting married, getting a house, having kids etc none of that excites me anymore. Now it's more like why? Why do I have to do this? I don't see a point nor a reason to do any of this. I don't want to do anything anymore.

Even months ago, feeling like I need to end this, that small little healthy part of me kept telling me to wait, it'll pass but it hasn't, and I feel more alone and unwanted than ever. In all honesty, when I think about ending it, I think about how everyone will handle it and obviously everyone will be upset but they'll be able to handle it. I'm more worried about my cat and my twin sister who both have major anxiety issues and depend and rely on me for everything and anything. My sister can't even order herself food at a restaurant let alone handle the emotional rollercoaster and dealing with her new job that she is holding down. My cat, if I'm in a room with the door closed by myself for longer than a few minutes she starts meowing. She's my unofficial support animal and I know she senses how I'm feeling. All last night, the second I laid down to cry she laid herself right next to me, put her head on my arm and just purred. Whenever I'm feeling anything other than happy, she's trying to comfort me. I'm more worried about how they'll both handle it especially with my cat since I'll be locking myself in a separate room to ctb.

Call me a loser for worrying about my cat haha but to your pets, you are their world and they do sense these things.

 

[ddutch]

I'm just going to jump right into it. I left a management position last year to take care of my mental health. I almost didn't make it this far and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've been unemployed since late last October and I got my first interview for a new job next week and usually I'm excited over it but I don't want to do it. I need money coming in but I don't have the will nor the motivation to have a job. I don't think I'm ready. The past few days I was set on ending it, I was going to do it today but my dad is feeling sensitive bcus I was upset last night for messing up dinner and I don't want him thinking that was the small little thing that drove me over the edge. I'm already struggling with the biological will to live, whenever I practice my mind starts panicking cus well it knows what I'm trying to do. Yesterday was filled with a lot of emotions and honestly, I just wanted to get it done last night but I couldn't trust not to be checked up on for at least 45 minutes. I'm exhausted of feeling this emptiness everyday like nothing matters anymore. I'm not even excited for the future. I don't want to do it. Getting a car, getting married, getting a house, having kids etc none of that excites me anymore. Now it's more like why? Why do I have to do this? I don't see a point nor a reason to do any of this. I don't want to do anything anymore.

Even months ago, feeling like I need to end this, that small little healthy part of me kept telling me to wait, it'll pass but it hasn't, and I feel more alone and unwanted than ever. In all honesty, when I think about ending it, I think about how everyone will handle it and obviously everyone will be upset but they'll be able to handle it. I'm more worried about my cat and my twin sister who both have major anxiety issues and depend and rely on me for everything and anything. My sister can't even order herself food at a restaurant let alone handle the emotional rollercoaster and dealing with her new job that she is holding down. My cat, if I'm in a room with the door closed by myself for longer than a few minutes she starts meowing. She's my unofficial support animal and I know she senses how I'm feeling. All last night, the second I laid down to cry she laid herself right next to me, put her head on my arm and just purred. Whenever I'm feeling anything other than happy, she's trying to comfort me. I'm more worried about how they'll both handle it especially with my cat since I'll be locking myself in a separate room to ctb.

Call me a loser for worrying about my cat haha but to your pets, you are their world and they do sense these things.

I can totally see what you mean.
I was in Italy few weeks ago the whole experience did not come in like my emotions where just flat and numb.

You know me and even i am in the process my mind is what if i stay what then.
Will my head go nuts and depressed again and in what time.

I hate the crashes and dont want the up and down every few months anymore.
I dont even want to again build up rebuild my life i am to tired for it.

But you do think about other alot thats sweet.
I do not worry about that myself for myself if it happens they knew it was coming.

And your not a loser at all. Pets are the best right . Keep your head up. Your cool ;)

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

I'm going through pretty much the same thing. Lost a decent job late last year due to mental health issues. I know exactly how you feel about not feeling excited about "Getting a car, getting married, getting a house, having kids etc". It feels pointless and like I'm being forced to care. It's bullshit.

 

[Walilamdzi]

My plans have failed consistently, I'm beyond trying anything else with legitimate enthusiasm, I would just like this to be over. Thinking about the past, it all seems so surreal and futile.

 

[dyingtodie]

Hey fellow Alien, thanks for posting and sharing.

My cat is keeping me from my fateful exit for now. Cats are amazing. My cat gives me the will to keep living, every day she comes to visit me and bring her sweet love and affection and I in turn have some being with whom to offer mine to.

I wonder though, for how long I'll be able to survive. When I don't want to be a part of this BS system/society or work, as the gifts that I am interested in offering to the world seem to be unwanted by the world. And I don't want to blindly serve a sociopathic killing machine just for the 'privilege' of stuffing poisoned food in my face, though pooping is in my top ten list of reasons to live, with farting and peeing being close runner ups. (It's the little things I live for now.)

And rather would much prefer sitting with the wind and trees, birds and insects, reading and eating fruits. I've found a lot that I do enjoy outside of societal norms. Though it's difficult for me as a highly sensitive person to be anywhere with the constant plague of noise and engines and 'industrial activity' all around me. And being able to feel the weight of the worlds grief...that so many are unwilling or seemingly incapable of feeling.

I found that when I had studied up on my method of choice and had the materials needed I was much more at peace with living day to day, as any moment I could take it upon myself to ensure it would be my last. And with that in mind, I keep going cause I'm a Krishna and I believe God wants me to be present at this time to ease suffering. And, that's all bullshit too.

 

[martha]

And being able to feel the weight of the worlds grief...that so many are unwilling or seemingly incapable of feeling.

you have put that in wonderful words, thank you.
While I am eagerly waiting for my N to arrive, I just feel the same.
I am so terribly exhausted and there is nobody to blame, only my depression.
I forced myself to the supermarket today and I found people there being friendly and helpful.
So after all the suffering is just my personal problem and nobody else is involved.
Trying to be peaceful, I have forgiven anyone, who has ever hurt me and I hope they will forgive me, too.