Story Disappointed, sad, having to keep going

[ForgottenAgain]

Last week I was on holiday and we planned several things to do so I wouldn't rot in depression at home. My boyfriend and I deep cleaned the house, went swimming, did some shopping, even went to a spa. I felt more normal, content.

As soon as the last days of holiday started rolling in, I started having stressful nightmares about work. This is the second day of work and I'm back to my usual state of deep sadness.

I feel disappointed at myself. I hardly work and the work I do is crap. I used to be so competent, so fast. More than a year ago that is...

The days feel empty and sad. Nothing came off of the NHS psychiatrist so today I used all my energy to book a private psychiatrist but he's only available in mid July. I don't think I want medication anyway, fuck that, I want to know what the hell is wrong with me. I want to know what those 5 months of hearing and seeing things that aren't there meant! I want to know why I felt my phone could read my mind, that the machines wanted to kill me, that the objects were evil, I want answers!

I lived some awful 5 months of moments of madness, I don't want it to happen again! No one cares about what I went through, the freaking psychiatrists don't make up their mind about what it was that I experienced but they're oh so happy to pump me full of meds!!!

I just want to disappear. Take my head off and throw it down a cliff. I'll never be happy...

 

[keg-ireland]

Last week I was on holiday and we planned several things to do so I wouldn't rot in depression at home. My boyfriend and I deep cleaned the house, went swimming, did some shopping, even went to a spa. I felt more normal, content.

As soon as the last days of holiday started rolling in, I started having stressful nightmares about work. This is the second day of work and I'm back to my usual state of deep sadness.

I feel disappointed at myself. I hardly work and the work I do is crap. I used to be so competent, so fast. More than a year ago that is...

The days feel empty and sad. Nothing came off of the NHS psychiatrist so today I used all my energy to book a private psychiatrist but he's only available in mid July. I don't think I want medication anyway, fuck that, I want to know what the hell is wrong with me. I want to know what those 5 months of hearing and seeing things that aren't there meant! I want to know why I felt my phone could read my mind, that the machines wanted to kill me, that the objects were evil, I want answers!

I lived some awful 5 months of moments of madness, I don't want it to happen again! No one cares about what I went through, the freaking psychiatrists don't make up their mind about what it was that I experienced but they're oh so happy to pump me full of meds!!!

I just want to disappear. Take my head off and throw it down a cliff. I'll never be happy...

It sounds like you had psychosis which is very treatable. Don't run down medication as they can make you life much more happier. Don't knock the options that are open to you.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

It sounds like you had psychosis which is very treatable. Don't run down medication as they can make you life much more happier. Don't knock the options that are open to you.

people from SaSu tell me that but the crisis team psychiatrist kept saying it wasn't psychosis and the mental health team psychiatrist said it was, then retraced and said it wasn't. They confused me to no end, jumping between saying I'm borderline and that I have psychotic depression but then it's not psychosis. It's so aggravating...

I haven't experienced those psychotic-like symptoms in a bit more than 2 months so I'm not keen on pumping my body with antipsychotics again. The new psychiatrist I'll see charges a lot for prescriptions and the insurance doesn't cover it so I'm even less keen on meds now. He better tell me what's wrong with me once and for all or else I'm not taking shit.

So tired of feeling like they're all taking the piss out of me, bloody doctors...

 

[needthebus]

if you really want to know what's wrong with you, you could fly out to see a dr named dr amen who injects radioactive glucose into your brain and then looks at brain activity and correlates structural damage with glucose activity and different mental states and offers a diagnosis based on brain structural activity

you're mentioned many times you want to know what is wrong with you. that would visually probably show you things.

major depression with psychosis seems to be a real thing, you could have had that

the original doctor's plan of giving you abilify didn't seem that bad. if someone went to a doctor and said "I was previously so depressed that i became psychotic and i'm really depressed now" a good doctor would probably at least consider of discuss abilify. unless you really want to have kids like soon, then i would stay away from it because it's hard to know what it does down the line. people still don't entirely understand genetics and epigenetics as it relates to medications and how such changes can be passed on or not and what all changes do. it's not really a part of the lense with which psychiiatry looks at things. but if you don't want children or are past the age of having them (or plan to adopt), just go on the abilify

make another appointment with the non-paid people and just say "i can't experience pleasure and i think it's a negative symptom of early psychosis. please put me on a low dose of abilify before it's too late." if you said that, they would be negligent not to put you on it and so they would. if they still aren't convinced, then you could say "i'm feeling a bit like I was before, before I started having those hallucinations. i'd really like to try abilify." You can say certain things to get them to prescribe it. those are what you could say.

the brain scans won't be covered by insurance and would be expensive and some people think the science behind them isn't rigorous and some think it's pseudoscience. you seem to really want some sort of label, mentioning it over and over, so dr amen's clinic could be something that makes sense.

here is an article from quackwatch that reports on fake medicine about him and his response to some of their claims:

A Skeptical View of SPECT Scans and Dr. Daniel Amen | Quackwatch

Daniel G. Amen, M.D., runs the Amen Clinics, writes books, gives lectures, maintains a Web site, and makes other media appearances. He recommends single pho ...

quackwatch.org

Dr. Daniel Amen's Response to Criticism on Quackwatch | Quackwatch

Daniel G. Amen, M.D., runs the Amen Clinics, writes books, gives lectures, maintains a Web site, and makes other media appearances. He recommends single pho ...

quackwatch.org

you should read the quackwatch pages before spending money. i list those so you can see a very cynical view of his work. there are others who think his work has value. quackwatch is not saying his work is clearly fraud, but they are expressing skepticism, which many others have expressed too

the only reason it would be useful is determining whether you have mild early stage schizophrenia or just general depression that can sometimes be so extreme to cause psychosis. people also sometimes spontaneously become psychotic and then it goes away later, but it's not typical.

his clinic can't measure personality disorders

i've told you this before, but abilify is a very mild anti-psychotic. it has barely any side effects. you are literally posting on a forum called sanctioned-suicide, you seem to want psychiatric treatment or at least a correct diagnosis. brain states can also change somewhat, so a diagnosis is more about finding the best way to reduce symptoms than have a label, real brains don't have labels, they are just neurons

one of the best anti-depressants is jogging every day. You should either do that, or if you can't because you are too depressed, take abilify or the generic form, aripretzitol or whatever it's called

have you thought of looking for a job that you might find less annoying? it could be that some of your unhappiness comes from your job.

what would you like to do? what would be meaningful for you? sometimes i think depression is caused by a lack of trying to change all the things wrong with the world and perhaps some sort of activism or volunteering would help. i've considered trying to do something myself like that. inertia, or not wanting to change things because of a lack of energy, is hard

that's why i'm thinking go on that abilify, start jogging, and either change jobs or volunteer somewhere meaningful, even if it's just an hour a week. feed the homeless, or advocate for something you believe in.

the good news about so much awful stuff in the world is there's a lot you can change and make better

financial wellness is very important and so i would not check out dr amen unless you are in an okay place financially. it would not be cheap

if you are able to start jogging every day even for 10 minutes and volunteer somewhere, do that. you'll get happier. things are always a bit better when you volunteer somewhere

did you try jogging and volunteering?

if you are suicidal, you should go on abilify

 

[ForgottenAgain]

if you really want to know what's wrong with you, you could fly out to see a dr named dr amen who injects radioactive glucose into your brain and then looks at brain activity and correlates structural damage with glucose activity and different mental states and offers a diagnosis based on brain structural activity

you're mentioned many times you want to know what is wrong with you. that would visually probably show you things.

major depression with psychosis seems to be a real thing, you could have had that

the original doctor's plan of giving you abilify didn't seem that bad. if someone went to a doctor and said "I was previously so depressed that i became psychotic and i'm really depressed now" a good doctor would probably at least consider of discuss abilify. unless you really want to have kids like soon, then i would stay away from it because it's hard to know what it does down the line. people still don't entirely understand genetics and epigenetics as it relates to medications and how such changes can be passed on or not and what all changes do. it's not really a part of the lense with which psychiiatry looks at things. but if you don't want children or are past the age of having them (or plan to adopt), just go on the abilify

make another appointment with the non-paid people and just say "i can't experience pleasure and i think it's a negative symptom of early psychosis. please put me on a low dose of abilify before it's too late." if you said that, they would be negligent not to put you on it and so they would. if they still aren't convinced, then you could say "i'm feeling a bit like I was before, before I started having those hallucinations. i'd really like to try abilify." You can say certain things to get them to prescribe it. those are what you could say.

the brain scans won't be covered by insurance and would be expensive and some people think the science behind them isn't rigorous and some think it's pseudoscience. you seem to really want some sort of label, mentioning it over and over, so dr amen's clinic could be something that makes sense.

here is an article from quackwatch that reports on fake medicine about him and his response to some of their claims:

A Skeptical View of SPECT Scans and Dr. Daniel Amen | Quackwatch

Daniel G. Amen, M.D., runs the Amen Clinics, writes books, gives lectures, maintains a Web site, and makes other media appearances. He recommends single pho ...

quackwatch.org

Dr. Daniel Amen's Response to Criticism on Quackwatch | Quackwatch

Daniel G. Amen, M.D., runs the Amen Clinics, writes books, gives lectures, maintains a Web site, and makes other media appearances. He recommends single pho ...

quackwatch.org

you should read the quackwatch pages before spending money. i list those so you can see a very cynical view of his work. there are others who think his work has value. quackwatch is not saying his work is clearly fraud, but they are expressing skepticism, which many others have expressed too

the only reason it would be useful is determining whether you have mild early stage schizophrenia or just general depression that can sometimes be so extreme to cause psychosis. people also sometimes spontaneously become psychotic and then it goes away later, but it's not typical.

his clinic can't measure personality disorders

i've told you this before, but abilify is a very mild anti-psychotic. it has barely any side effects. you are literally posting on a forum called sanctioned-suicide, you seem to want psychiatric treatment or at least a correct diagnosis. brain states can also change somewhat, so a diagnosis is more about finding the best way to reduce symptoms than have a label, real brains don't have labels, they are just neurons

one of the best anti-depressants is jogging every day. You should either do that, or if you can't because you are too depressed, take abilify or the generic form, aripretzitol or whatever it's called

have you thought of looking for a job that you might find less annoying? it could be that some of your unhappiness comes from your job.

what would you like to do? what would be meaningful for you? sometimes i think depression is caused by a lack of trying to change all the things wrong with the world and perhaps some sort of activism or volunteering would help. i've considered trying to do something myself like that. inertia, or not wanting to change things because of a lack of energy, is hard

that's why i'm thinking go on that abilify, start jogging, and either change jobs or volunteer somewhere meaningful, even if it's just an hour a week. feed the homeless, or advocate for something you believe in.

the good news about so much awful stuff in the world is there's a lot you can change and make better

financial wellness is very important and so i would not check out dr amen unless you are in an okay place financially. it would not be cheap

if you are able to start jogging every day even for 10 minutes and volunteer somewhere, do that. you'll get happier. things are always a bit better when you volunteer somewhere

did you try jogging and volunteering?

if you are suicidal, you should go on abilify

I know about Dr. Amen, I was actually reading his book several months ago until I came across the fact that he never publishes his findings or that when he does there is no control group. That threw me off a lot, besides the fact that it costs a fortune and I'm not spending that amount of money, and going to America, just based on his word. A shame really, but if he has nothing to hide then he would have published his findings.

I have done volunteering for years, it is emotionally taxing and I swore I wouldn't do it again. I already spent too many years living taking care of others and helping others.

I'm not keen on getting on meds, I'm tired of meds, I just want answers. The psychiatrists I saw on the NHS don't think it was psychosis no matter what I tell them so I'm not going back. I booked a private psychiatrist and that is my last attempt with this. If he can't figure it out then I don't know what I'll do but it won't involve psychiatrists anymore.

I can't exercise in the state I mean, I haven't even washed my hair in days let alone exercise.

My job is my dream job - the area I like, pays really well, has great work life balance, great perks and people are very nice. The problem is me, it's always me. I can't be happy.

 

[Zazacosta]

Can I PM you?

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Can I PM you?

Yeah sure

 

[Hollowman]

if you really want to know what's wrong with you, you could fly out to see a dr named dr amen who injects radioactive glucose into your brain and then looks at brain activity and correlates structural damage with glucose activity and different mental states and offers a diagnosis based on brain structural activity

you're mentioned many times you want to know what is wrong with you. that would visually probably show you things.

major depression with psychosis seems to be a real thing, you could have had that

the original doctor's plan of giving you abilify didn't seem that bad. if someone went to a doctor and said "I was previously so depressed that i became psychotic and i'm really depressed now" a good doctor would probably at least consider of discuss abilify. unless you really want to have kids like soon, then i would stay away from it because it's hard to know what it does down the line. people still don't entirely understand genetics and epigenetics as it relates to medications and how such changes can be passed on or not and what all changes do. it's not really a part of the lense with which psychiiatry looks at things. but if you don't want children or are past the age of having them (or plan to adopt), just go on the abilify

make another appointment with the non-paid people and just say "i can't experience pleasure and i think it's a negative symptom of early psychosis. please put me on a low dose of abilify before it's too late." if you said that, they would be negligent not to put you on it and so they would. if they still aren't convinced, then you could say "i'm feeling a bit like I was before, before I started having those hallucinations. i'd really like to try abilify." You can say certain things to get them to prescribe it. those are what you could say.

the brain scans won't be covered by insurance and would be expensive and some people think the science behind them isn't rigorous and some think it's pseudoscience. you seem to really want some sort of label, mentioning it over and over, so dr amen's clinic could be something that makes sense.

here is an article from quackwatch that reports on fake medicine about him and his response to some of their claims:

A Skeptical View of SPECT Scans and Dr. Daniel Amen | Quackwatch

Daniel G. Amen, M.D., runs the Amen Clinics, writes books, gives lectures, maintains a Web site, and makes other media appearances. He recommends single pho ...

quackwatch.org

Dr. Daniel Amen's Response to Criticism on Quackwatch | Quackwatch

Daniel G. Amen, M.D., runs the Amen Clinics, writes books, gives lectures, maintains a Web site, and makes other media appearances. He recommends single pho ...

quackwatch.org

you should read the quackwatch pages before spending money. i list those so you can see a very cynical view of his work. there are others who think his work has value. quackwatch is not saying his work is clearly fraud, but they are expressing skepticism, which many others have expressed too

the only reason it would be useful is determining whether you have mild early stage schizophrenia or just general depression that can sometimes be so extreme to cause psychosis. people also sometimes spontaneously become psychotic and then it goes away later, but it's not typical.

his clinic can't measure personality disorders

i've told you this before, but abilify is a very mild anti-psychotic. it has barely any side effects. you are literally posting on a forum called sanctioned-suicide, you seem to want psychiatric treatment or at least a correct diagnosis. brain states can also change somewhat, so a diagnosis is more about finding the best way to reduce symptoms than have a label, real brains don't have labels, they are just neurons

one of the best anti-depressants is jogging every day. You should either do that, or if you can't because you are too depressed, take abilify or the generic form, aripretzitol or whatever it's called

have you thought of looking for a job that you might find less annoying? it could be that some of your unhappiness comes from your job.

what would you like to do? what would be meaningful for you? sometimes i think depression is caused by a lack of trying to change all the things wrong with the world and perhaps some sort of activism or volunteering would help. i've considered trying to do something myself like that. inertia, or not wanting to change things because of a lack of energy, is hard

that's why i'm thinking go on that abilify, start jogging, and either change jobs or volunteer somewhere meaningful, even if it's just an hour a week. feed the homeless, or advocate for something you believe in.

the good news about so much awful stuff in the world is there's a lot you can change and make better

financial wellness is very important and so i would not check out dr amen unless you are in an okay place financially. it would not be cheap

if you are able to start jogging every day even for 10 minutes and volunteer somewhere, do that. you'll get happier. things are always a bit better when you volunteer somewhere

did you try jogging and volunteering?

if you are suicidal, you should go on abilify

What's your deal with abilify? Apparently you benefited from it. That definitely doesn't mean everyone will. It didn't do anything for me. There are serious side affects like all antipsychotics.

 

[voc_89]

This is a late response but your feelings are totally warranted. Especially if u in a toxic work environment. I was on a 1 month vacation last year. Coming close to the date to go back to work I was really down. Then, on one morning when I was doing my normal 5k run, I started thinking more about returning to that toxic environment and I broke down in tears. Thankfully no one was around (5 in the morning). Your experience makes me think that u also have a toxic work environment as, as adults, u will spend most of your life in work. If u dread it its because something(s) are off about the place. U could consider something new but I guess (like me) u also now that job markets atm are bad

 

[exodusz1]

i came to this post because i was drawn to the "keep going" part of the post's title. thank you for sharing your story.

 

[needthebus]

What's your deal with abilify? Apparently you benefited from it. That definitely doesn't mean everyone will. It didn't do anything for me. There are serious side affects like all antipsychotics.

no it's because its much less harsh than risperidone and people who hallucinate dont usually spontaneously become nonhallucinators. some people dont improve on it. why do you dislike me so much?

 

[Hollowman]

no it's because its much less harsh than risperidone and people who hallucinate dont usually spontaneously become nonhallucinators. some people dont improve on it. why do you dislike me so much?

I don't dislike you but you promoting abilify like you know what you're talking about is annoying.

 

[needthebus]

I don't dislike you but you promoting abilify like you know what you're talking about is annoying.

im not promoting it, thought it could help, i am very critical of psychiatry mostly

 

[Mirrory Me]

The days feel empty and sad. Nothing came off of the NHS psychiatrist so today I used all my energy to book a private psychiatrist but he's only available in mid July. I don't think I want medication anyway, fuck that, I want to know what the hell is wrong with me. I want to know what those 5 months of hearing and seeing things that aren't there meant! I want to know why I felt my phone could read my mind, that the machines wanted to kill me, that the objects were evil, I want answers!

I lived some awful 5 months of moments of madness, I don't want it to happen again! No one cares about what I went through, the freaking psychiatrists don't make up their mind about what it was that I experienced but they're oh so happy to pump me full of meds!!!

There are beings that can impact / manipulate human psyche, they can create all sort of illusions. Visions, auditorial manipulation, telepathy, controlling organs... I think there are good and bad ones. Things the bad ones do can be rather cruel and can leave an deep impact- about how you feel about being "alone", or just viewing this reality. Maybe try to get more spiritual and take good care of yourself.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

This is a late response but your feelings are totally warranted. Especially if u in a toxic work environment. I was on a 1 month vacation last year. Coming close to the date to go back to work I was really down. Then, on one morning when I was doing my normal 5k run, I started thinking more about returning to that toxic environment and I broke down in tears. Thankfully no one was around (5 in the morning). Your experience makes me think that u also have a toxic work environment as, as adults, u will spend most of your life in work. If u dread it its because something(s) are off about the place. U could consider something new but I guess (like me) u also now that job markets atm are bad

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You were right about having worked in a toxic work environment. The company I work at is great and I've been there for years but there was a time when they gave me the opportunity to work for 6 months for another company. Quite important company, gigantic project. It's typical in the industry I work in to be lend to other companies to help on their projects.

It was a great opportunity on paper and I was excited but that company had a terrible work environment and destroyed my mental health and my self confidence. I stopped working for them in October last year but only now I'm recovering. I'm never doing it again.

To give an update to this post:

- I wasn't able to get that private psychiatrist as he refused to assess me without access to my NHS history. Which I didn't want to give since I wanted an unbiased opinion, and not another person to read the notes and tell me that I'm borderline again

- I got a last appointment with the NHS psychiatrist and she told me I'm Borderline AND that I had psychotic depression during those 5 months. The appointment was horrible, that woman shouldn't be a psychiatrist but at least gave me some answers.

- My psychologist doesn't think I'm Borderline and instead thinks I have C-PTSD which I feel fits much better with me than Borderline. I really don't think I'm Borderline and I hate that I was given this diagnosis because it just makes people do nothing instead of trying to help me.

- I'm still off of meds and feel better than when I was taking them. Currently experimenting with a supplement for 2 months to see if it helps my mental health, inspired by another user that reported feeling much better by taking that.

There are beings that can impact / manipulate human psyche, they can create all sort of illusions. Visions, auditorial manipulation, telepathy, controlling organs... I think there are good and bad ones. Things the bad ones do can be rather cruel and can leave an deep impact- about how you feel about being "alone", or just viewing this reality. Maybe try to get more spiritual and take good care of yourself.

Thank you for that different perspective. Given my history during those 5 months with psychosis, I'm afraid of believing that and causing more mental issues to myself. I do appreciate the help though

 

[voc_89]

It's shocking how significant of an impact toxic work environments can have on people... sad. I really hope that you are able to find a solution/compromise that provides relief for what you are going through

 

[Voyage]

Any idea why they would diagnose you with BPD?

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Any idea why they would diagnose you with BPD?

I was diagnosed with BPD by a psychologist when I was 16. At that time I was a very angry and sad person, I would either idolise or despise people, either hated or loved things, everything was very black and white and I deeply depended on my boyfriend at that time. I was also hearing voices and self harming a lot.

So during those years of my life, that diagnosis made sense. The problem is that, as time progressed I am no longer the same person but yet psychiatrists kept holding onto that diagnosis

 

[Voyage]

I suspect it's bureaucracy. I've heard psychiatrists in some places avoid disagreeing with previous diagnoses.

A less cynical view is that you could claim insurance more easily with the BPD diagnosis.

It's easy to conceptualize your current troubles as BPD haphazardly since (secondary) psychotic episodes are a fearure of it.

However, if you don't have relationship problems or fears (realistic or not), then it's less likely to be related so directly to BPD. Do you know/ could you share what possibly triggered this episode?

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I suspect it's bureaucracy. I've heard psychiatrists in some places avoid disagreeing with previous diagnoses.

A less cynical view is that you could claim insurance more easily with the BPD diagnosis.

It's easy to conceptualize your current troubles as BPD haphazardly since (secondary) psychotic episodes are a fearure of it.

However, if you don't have relationship problems or fears (realistic or not), then it's less likely to be related so directly to BPD. Do you know/ could you share what possibly triggered this episode?

Well, the psychiatrists that wouldn't let go of the BPD diagnosis were NHS psychiatrists so there's no insurance involved. They were just horrible people though so who knows.

The 5 months of hell I'm not sure what triggered it. My psychologist thinks that it was the 6 months prior of working for a horrible company where my self esteem got destroyed. I think that's my best bet. On the other hand, my whole life has been a rollercoaster of feeling deeply depressed with short periods of time where I'm neutral.

I should say though, when I heard voices in the past, it was nothing, not even close, to the psychosis symptoms I experienced in these 5 months. I told this to my psychologist and he said he thinks I may have had a flavour of multiple personality all those years ago and not really psychosis. Which is what I think as well. These 5 months were like nothing I have ever experienced in my life.

 

[Voyage]

This is out of my depth, all the best to you.