Venting Distorted self image.

[Droso]

It's been like this for as long as I remember. I would cling onto a fictional or real person, project my life onto their image. Whenever I was stimulated to recall my appearance, the reflection from the mirror would never appear in my mind.

This is not face blindness. I knew back then what I looked like and I know how I've changed into who I present as now. Rather, it's dissociation. A disconnection. Both subconscious and conscious. Trained into my behavior and actions.

But who I look like has always been an imposter. Something wrong. Something completely alien. My body acts a mimic for who I'm supposed to be, but fails at even slightly getting it correct. It's a pathetic one, really.

It is jarring to have such a deep sense of who you are supposed to be. What phenotype you feel as if you are supposed to have. And then look in the mirror and see the complete opposite.

To me, whoever that is, isn't me. It's another person. One that holds me back and restrains my true self from being able to materialize. So I hate her. I hate her so much.

She has my deadname. And she has all of my memories too. To think that from simply having the deepest, strongest, most life-threatening desire to be the opposite sex would cause this much dissociation.

I don't get it. I seriously don't. All of this entropy in the universe and now my life is stuck and driven through the feeling of "ought" and "should have"? That's just human nature, but mine is to the extreme.

Why couldn't I have just been born male? Why do I have to live a life of self-projection onto people that I will never look like or be?

I'm not going to live this life any longer. Not like this. Not with this dysphoria.

 

[Droso]

More thoughts on this in regards to the dissociation:

I'm wondering if I experience more dissociation than my boyfriend who was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder. Maybe not, I would have to talk to him about that since we usually don't talk to each other about our experiences. I think we both prefer to distract ourselves from it.

Either way, I'm beginning to realize how intensely I am. And it is jarring. It feels like this constructed wall blocking out anything that could harm me is being destroyed. And I should be having an existential crisis right now when so much shit is starting to be remembered again. Made aware again. Conscious of myself again.

But I'm not having one. Cause there's derealization in there, too. And no matter how much grounding happens when I am reminded of who I actually am, there is just no way for me to truly become aware of how real all of this is.

There are times where I'm pulled back in and feel reality again. Those are the times I do feel unsettled. I feel awkward and desperately want to return to a dream state. My stomach starts squeezing and I feel like I'm gonna vomit.

But, another step on top of that, vaguely resembling a cycle: depersonalization. Maybe I'm conscious and aware of reality, but that's not me. And it never was me to begin with. I truly do feel like I am a possessor with amnesia: I have a sense of who I'm supposed to be but can't remember how to exit this body.

That's the one thing that's consistent. So maybe these all work together, not necessarily in a cycle. But jumbled up, somehow connecting deep within unseen fibers.

Writing this brought me back to reality, unfortunately. Feeling nauseous. Or hungry. I can't tell.

I'm just so very disconnected.