I'm 25 and im an immensely ugly woman and I've experienced awful numerous traumatic experiences… I have no family or friends and was made homeless at 15. My parents are Japanese and the worst kind stereotypical businessman drunk dad and depressed mom who accepted getting cheated on repeatedly as the norm. I'm autistic and experience no sexual attraction just romantic lesbian attraction wanting to be a wife hold hands etc. I feel like a fucking freak entirely alone and I've spent all night remembering every trauma every ex girlfriend every horrible time my parents called me ugly and how im so ashamed of my voice face and disabilities i self harm abuse drugs and I've lost half my weight in a month by just pure neglect… I have a fiancee and we live together but well you can see that by me being here it's clear how much of a one sided relationship it is. I pick her flowers, make her food, art, poems daily I sneak into her backpack. I feel entirely alone and like my existence is just to be used by literally everyone and regarded as little more than a sexual object… I have no words of comfort to offer other than well you're not alone… well until helium arrives…
P.S to give you the idea of how hopeless i feel ive spent all night pounding marijuana (medicinal on prescription from Curaleaf) and writing horrible things on my body to try refrain from ending my life via more agregious methods… also tried university numerous times and holyfuck nobody wants to see a woman succeed especially a disabled one and when I got sexual assaulted in my dorm I GOT EXPELLED FOR MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS the rapist is still studying to this day…
P.S part 2 electric boogaloo
I'm almost 1 million % assured you are beautiful and one day like whiplash the wind of your esteem will shift your way and hope joy and prosperity will be what you feel deep inside.
I wanted to leave something encouraging…
Your experience is so harrowing, I'm so sorry your parents the administrators at your university treated you like this. Unfortunately it is a common tactic used by those in power, to simply remove the victim from the equation by expelling them, so that they don't have to provide adequate support or deal with the fallout of addressing the sexual abuse that's happened. It feels like the victim is often treated as the problem, when they experience the consequences of the traumatic event, it is easy to use "mental health" as the scapegoat to get you out of their hair. It's a truly disgusting practice and you should have been supported, not cast aside.
I had a similar experience growing up where I had to leave school for multiple years, living at home as a hikkikomori, while the person who molested me got to live a normal life and continue at school. My heart goes out to you, because no one should ever have to experience this. You've been through so much and I hate that they took away the opportunity from you to receive education, which is so important to young women and can free many from neglectful cycles of abuse by providing a means to support one's future. I hope one day you can go back and finish your degree, if you are in a place to do so.
I agree with Jester that r/TwoX sucks, and is not anywhere near representative of what most women think or experience. Ignore the things you read on super huge Reddits because a lot of posts there are ragebait written by bots, and posts written by humans are frequently deleted or censored. There are websites you can go on to see how many posts have been scraped by automod or Reddit admins on particular subreddits, and on front page subs like TwoX or askwomen, the number of posts that never see the light of day is staggering.
Not being a conventionally attractive woman is hard, it is really crushing for one's self esteem not to receive positive regard from others. Though, jester is right that sexual harassment or abuse can happen to anyone, and women who don't "fit the mold" so to speak can be particularly at risk for it, as some predatory people can pick up on things like a woman having low self-esteem and take advantage of her desperation for companionship to gain her trust, then do awful things to her. This also happens to men as well who are more vulnerable. It often seems to boil down to power dynamics between the victim and the abuser.
I am also not attractive, and pretty much the only men who have been interested in me have always been way older than me, except one, who also turned out to not actually like or care about me. I prefer other women, but have never gotten any interest from other girls. Like you, I also do not really feel like a woman anymore, especially because I don't desire the typical life script of marriage and kids, I've constantly been made to feel like less of a woman because I'm not popping out babies or able to look after a man. I don't desire sex either, and this makes me out to be some sort of disgusting creature to a lot of people, for whatever reason.
There are so many unreasonable expectations thrust upon women, it's hard to be a woman who doesn't fit into what is expected of us. It is really difficult when you can't relate to what is supposed to be this shared experience. There are women who have experienced this deep sense of rejection and isolation from the world, it is just harder to hear the voices of women like us because abused, bullied, or neglected girls often get slapped with derogatory labels like BPD and not taken seriously anymore.
