Story Do emotional/mental abusers ever feel sorry and apologize? (My story)

[greyblue_bian]

Sorry this is really long, I've just been wanting to share and find people for some perspective.


I'm just wondering as I've been going through emotional/mental abuse my whole life if not anything else and I recently had this happen again with my now ex-boyfriend. He apologized but then said it was my fault for everything he did because I felt like he "saved me" since I was trying to CTB before we met and that I don't think I could handle him leaving me and that I needed him. The mistreatment started before this, but I genuinely feel like it's my fault for letting myself get to that point.

He said a lot of stuff like me wanting to talk about our relationship problems made him want to die and that he was going to beat me if I kept bringing up if he was talking to someone else if we could talk about things. He called me delusional and insecure and insane during arguments because I was confronting his behavior because it looked like he was talking to someone else and a bitch (over the phone)(jokingly I guess) early on in the relationship because I wanted to break up since he wasn't making as much time for me as before. He would randomly call me a dummy or a loser and I had stopped eating for a couple of weeks before I ultimately found out he was actually cheating for a little more than half the time we were together and then I also found out he was lying about how old he was and he said it was because he was insecure.

There were a few attempts of me trying to break up and he would say that we were doing fine and that I should just stop overthinking and sometimes he would say he was done with me but never broke up with me. After he made that "joke" about beating me, I broke up with him but then just ran right back to him.

While we were together, he also ghosted me a few times and told me he was just going through a lot and didn't feel like being on his phone and needed time alone but would never tell me before hand and then would tell me it was because he had schizophrenia and told me he only called me things because he's schizophrenic and he can't control it when he's angry. He removed me from his IG and said he didn't want to be seen for the same reason but let other people follow him and he was following other girls (and this was highly exclusive because he only had 2 followers and one of them was his other account and followed 4 girls he knew personally and eventually there was someone new). While we were together, I also started cutting when he told me that me wanting to have a serious discussion made him want to die but in the same exact conversation, he was asking me for t*t pics.

Eventually, I would start crying over the phone asking him to just be nice to me and would ask to just talk and he would ignore me the entire time and mute himself or get angry and say he was really tired for work and he just wanted to sleep. Eventually when he started ghosting me and ignored my calls and messages and just hung up on me, I would blow up his phone with stuff I was finding out and stuff I was seeing him doing when he told me he wasn't on his phone and when he said he was too busy to talk. When I did "break up" with him that one time, he messaged me asking " Am I an abuser? " and I said no because I didn't want to believe I would actually allow myself to be abused (again) by someone else besides my family and other people I knew before him. I think now that I see the effects that everything he did to me has had on me, it's obvious that it was but it has been really hard to admit it. Maybe I just have too much pride. He has made it obvious he only cares about how he feels and doesn't really care about how I feel.

I got really angry after I found out he was cheating and said he was being vain and that he should stop messing with me, and I meant what I said, he was only concerned about himself and didn't give a shit about me at all, but I feel really bad for getting pissed.

I tried being friendly and open with the girl he cheated with, but she would act hot and cold and then he told me she asked him if she was prettier than me right after we found out. I didn't believe him but that's when she started acting hot and cold but would tell me we're cool and that she just felt like I kept ending the conversation when we could talk so I thought we were cool after that. Followed each other on socials and then she removed me as a follower and kept following me and then I confronted it and she said nothing was going on and then she kept stalking me account after that. I had to delete my account after that.

I recently had to deal with this again as I was pretty sure my ex and one of his female friends were stalking and posting about me and the stuff they'd seen on my public account. He said it wasn't either of them but then a minute later his friend took down a post. He came back just to mess with me and asked me if I was okay and I thought he was genuinely wondering if he was concerned but then he continued to mess with me and then made me feel bad for questioning his intentions. This was like a few days ago. I tried to ignore the question at first because I already had a minor anxiety attack just having to message him about the posts but I thought he wanted to talk and leave things on a better note but obviously I was wrong.

I go in and out of trying to figure out if this entire thing was my fault and I feel terrible about it and now it's hard to admit, but I really loved him a lot and did everything I could to make sure he knew I genuinely loved him and wanted something good and healthy with him and sometimes, I miss the possibility of us still being together and so I feel like I ruined my chance at being happy with him.

Please can anyone give me input on this situation as I genuinely can't seem to move on from feeling so many things at once because of this and need more help or just someone who relates to this. Thank you for reading to the end of you did.

 

[Hollowman]

I can't give you much input but yes abusers can feel very sorry for their shitty behavior. I unfortunately used to be one. If karma's real it'd explain my situation.

 

[mistymoo]

It's been proven that traumatized people can and will abuse others if they don't get help. research shows that a lot of folks who sexually harm children have also experienced sexual harm as a minor. I think this helps prove that even though your ex is consciously aware that he's abusive, he's not doing anything to fix himself. He's turning the blame back onto you as a scape goat

Your ex apologizing and then blaming it on you bc he "saved you" sounds incredibly narcissist and fucked up. His actions are his and his alone.

It sounds like he was using his schizophreni as an excuse.

Only calling him vain after he cheated is so much nicer than what I would have done if my ex had cheated on me.

I highly suggest cutting all contact, stop looked at his (and his friends) socials and try to move on. I know that's a hell of a lot easier said than done tho. I'm in the same boat with this

 

[Reticent Being]

Thanks for making this post. I relate to it a lot in my own way. I think all abusers care about the harm they do to others, but this can be my wishful thinking. I think most of them experience cognitive dissonance, so they find it hard to admit their wrongs. It would lead them to immense pain. people care so much about being seen as a good person that their brain will make up lies to protect them from the pain of admitting they did something wrong. Also, many people know it's safer to be a victim, than to be the abuser.

I grew up with a punitive/retributive justice system. Abusers get punished. they get no empathy. they get isolated from all support networks. Knowing this forces people to hide their wrongs, instead of owning up to them and growing. It's like people dont have the ability to change, when they can. It's solely "this is what you did. I hope you feel bad. The end." i hate when i do this to someone Then again, i also feel like I've been taught not to expect people to change for the best or say sorry.

I think you were really kind to him, even when you expressed how angry you were with him. Sure it could have been harsh, but if he knows you and loves you, he'll understand. I dont think anything is your fault. it's normal to grieve losing how good your relationship could be. It makes no sense for him to be "too busy" to listen to you. If he actually cared, he'd tell you when his job gives him a day off to talk to you. I think it's good that you try to talk to him about it, so many people are still learning how to communicate instead if avoiding things. You are really caring and strong to me.

 

[greyblue_bian]

It's been proven that traumatized people can and will abuse others if they don't get help. research shows that a lot of folks who sexually harm children have also experienced sexual harm as a minor. I think this helps prove that even though your ex is consciously aware that he's abusive, he's not doing anything to fix himself. He's turning the blame back onto you as a scape goat

Your ex apologizing and then blaming it on you bc he "saved you" sounds incredibly narcissist and fucked up. His actions are his and his alone.

It sounds like he was using his schizophreni as an excuse.

Only calling him vain after he cheated is so much nicer than what I would have done if my ex had cheated on me.

I highly suggest cutting all contact, stop looked at his (and his friends) socials and try to move on. I know that's a hell of a lot easier said than done tho. I'm in the same boat with this

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, the whole part of him apologizing and then blaming it on me was because like I said, I got to a point where I literally felt like I needed him. Just a month into dating, he basically ghosted me and slowly stopped making time and then when I tried breaking up with him because of that, we had a nice conversation with him telling me he was going to be better and we would spend more time together. So, yeah we were cool and I thought that was a good sign he would be good with communication. Right after that, we were on the phone joking about I don't know what, and then he brings up me trying to break up and then calls me a bitch for it. In the moment, I was just hoping it was just play so I brushed it off. When he kept calling me things while we were dating and when I confronted him about calling me that, he just said he also calls his dog that and that it's not serious. After months of hot and cold behavior and at one point he stopped answering my calls and never had time, I got really badly attached and that's when I started feeling that. So yeah, that's why I feel like it's all my fault and why it's my fault he did what he did.

But anyway, we hadn't spoken in months and I only texted him because I was angry he and his friends were posting about me when he probably never told them what he did. I didn't exactly want to as I started having very minor anxiety attacks when texting him when I first found out he was cheating. I also knew it would just pull me back in.

Also, yeah we he said he called me things because he's schizophrenic, I asked other people who were schizophrenic and they all just said he's just using it as an "get out of jail free" card and that had nothing to do with that. I guess I just felt bad for making him upset and since I didn't fully understand and know everything about schizophrenia, I took it into consideration that was just ignorant in this sense. And I called him vain as I was trying to get closure from him, he would tell me to wait for him to reply after talking to me about what happened, and then when I tried dropping it and unsent my messages would just tell me to resend them and wait until he had time even longer. This went on for about 2 weeks a little bit after I had found out he was cheating. So, yeah I called him vain for only caring about himself in this situation and said his responses were useless and that he should stop fucking with me. He doesn't care anyways.


So, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I think the last conversation has worn me out of him and as much as I feel really strongly towards him, he's never going to be sorry because he's never going to face what he did. I've just got them blocked right now and just hoping they don't make any other accounts and try bothering me that way. Not sure if I'll be able to ever forgive him, but it doesn't really matter anymore. Thanks for the reply and sorry it took me so long, I unwatched this thread and forgot that means I don't get all the notifs. Listen, if you ever need to vent or talk about it, I'm here

 

[greyblue_bian]

Thanks for making this post. I relate to it a lot in my own way. I think all abusers care about the harm they do to others, but this can be my wishful thinking. I think most of them experience cognitive dissonance, so they find it hard to admit their wrongs. It would lead them to immense pain. people care so much about being seen as a good person that their brain will make up lies to protect them from the pain of admitting they did something wrong. Also, many people know it's safer to be a victim, than to be the abuser.

I grew up with a punitive/retributive justice system. Abusers get punished. they get no empathy. they get isolated from all support networks. Knowing this forces people to hide their wrongs, instead of owning up to them and growing. It's like people dont have the ability to change, when they can. It's solely "this is what you did. I hope you feel bad. The end." i hate when i do this to someone Then again, i also feel like I've been taught not to expect people to change for the best or say sorry.

I think you were really kind to him, even when you expressed how angry you were with him. Sure it could have been harsh, but if he knows you and loves you, he'll understand. I dont think anything is your fault. it's normal to grieve losing how good your relationship could be. It makes no sense for him to be "too busy" to listen to you. If he actually cared, he'd tell you when his job gives him a day off to talk to you. I think it's good that you try to talk to him about it, so many people are still learning how to communicate instead if avoiding things. You are really caring and strong to me.

Yeah, this also makes sense entirely. I've really had to consider the cognitive dissonance thing with my family since they've denied and dismissed so much they've done, it blows my mind they act like it's not serious or that it never happened at all.

And I think that's why it was really hard for me to say he was abusive towards me because like I said, it was also probably my pride since I felt like I was admitting to allowing someone to abuse me just because of how deeply I felt for him. He does not and apparently never actually did love me as that was the closure I was wanting and had finally got from him. As much as I meant what I said, I was the only one that meant it when I said I loved him, so naturally it feels bad when you're angry and say things out of anger to someone you actually give that many fucks about.

Also, I'm glad I could help you feel understood in some way :)

 

[Ah.ow]

is it ok to ask if anyone might've thought about how to talk to the abusers, if they can't face any abuse they did? I appreciate this thread and it feels helping me to empathize and think a step forward about this thread's question that I'd asked elsewhere.

I wonder if the perspectives on this thread maybe lighten things and maybe can lead to a shallow but more effective dialogue without the abusers? I mean if someone needs something from them that they can't find elsewhere- at least, when trying to dialogue a bit

I don't mean to sound okaying / wiping away / that pain is healed or changed from the abusers- I just mean from the perspective of asking for their help. but idk if this perspective will last for me, when I feel the power of their abuse again. at least briefly I felt maybe some direction or something to try, from reading

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it depends on the person really. I know it's a term people throw around but, I truly believe someone I grew up with to be a narcissist. It started off with bullying (mostly verbal, psychological- gas lighting, some physical) but, they eventually worked out they would get the most attention when they accused me of (awful) things I hadn't done. So- they played the victim basically. I actually don't know to this day whether that's truly how they saw or see the world. They may truly believe that other people are out to persecute them. In which case- why would they be sorry? They're the victims in this- in their own minds. So- I really think it depends on the person.

I watched a really interesting YouTube video on gas lighting the other day. It explained that some disorders- like Borderline Personality Disorder create such powerful emotions that the person may not even realise that they're being emotionally manipulative. Whereas in others like Psychopathy and Narcissm, they may realise that they're manipulating people with lies effectively: