Today I had another appointment with a new psychiatrist. It was again useless. She is not allowed to prescribe benzos or z-medication to me and I am reliant on them. I need them in order of being able to go to college. She was again friendlier than I expected. Quite young I assume the younger ones still have some form of empathy and a soul lol. I have made very bad experiences with a lot of psychiatrists in the past. Honestly I think she barely understood me. She was pretty good looking. If I had to guess I would say she came from Syria. I live in Germany and we really need high skilled people like her. Ironically my dad agitates against foreigners they would take all of our money. Well my parenst made their both children mental wrecks, who will never be able to work and we suck the health care system dry. Lol.I have met a lot very high skilled doctors with no German heritage. I had the feeling she had more empathy because of the discrimination she herself had to experience. I told her my story in very high pace. Later I understood she probably had not understood even 50% of the words I told her. She seemed to be a genuinely good person maybe too good for being a psychiatrist lol. She was sometimes distant. I realized her language skills were that bad when she asked questions about things I already told her. And the vocabulary she used was not that common. I don't judge her at all. German is a fucking horrible language to learn. I am native speaker and the different cases in grammar broke my brain as a young teenager. Lol. I have changed since gladly. But in general English is so much easier. I can fully understand when even very educated and smart people struggle with learning German. Especially if they grew up in areas with a completely different language tradition. And my dad who cannot even write proper German himself his spelling is horrendous spreads hate against these people. I told her my whole story but not all details. She was touched when I told that my mom abused me as a child. She used the word Mama and not mom when refering to her. I also told her about suicidal thoughts. She asked me whether I ever attempted and it sounded like she wanted the answer to be no. I said no. Technically I never made a suicide attempt but I tried partial and stood at the 7th floor of a building. I wanted to know how that feels. And whether I am able to do it with these methods. I think partial is no method for me. I could imagine jumping but I think I would prefer SN because it is easier and more private. I did not say that. But at this point I already knew this conversation was irrelevant. She already told me their restrictive policy on addictive medication. She noticed during that conversation that I already thought about something else. I looked at the pictures (some from children) in her room. I think she supected I lost interest in being her patient when noticing her bad German. Personally I have to say I had to struggle imagining to be her patient. The words I express mean a lot to me. Sharing them gives me comfort. However this would not have been a deal breaker. At the end of the conversation I told her I will search for a different psychiatrist someone who is allowed to give me the addictive medication. Soon prior to that I looked her deep in the eyes. I usually avoid that when I am vulnerable and share my story. I don't know how my gaze looked her like but I would assume tired, full of pain, desperation, mental anguish, loneliness and exhaustion. I think other people don't interpret much in such gazes. Furthermore in one of my core thesis of this thread I would argue it is still a different one if you are close to committing suicide. She seemed to be pretty sad when I told her I search for someone else. I think she really wanted to help me. Well this sounds romantic doesn't it. Well it means shit to my life. Psychiatrist can help people. But they cannot solve my problems. Psychiatrists don't have the capacity to understand me. The time is way to limited for that. All my psychiatrists forget so much so quickly. I basically told my current psychiatrist I gonna kill myself eventually and I am already preparing for that. She forgot most of that. The thing is I don't repeat that stuff. I give them the chanc to prevent it theoretically (like Sylvia Plath somewhat) but the capacities are way too limited. But basically they could not change the outcome in the longrun I presume.
Of course they help me somewhat. Though I have some issues where there are simply losing conditions where I am forced to kill myself. I tried 3 psychotherapies, tried over 20 medication, had more than 5 clinic stays. My situation is pretty hopeless. I have some irrational hope.
I think having a good life is next to impossible for me. I would be satisfied with a mediocre life quality forever. But no if the extreme psychosomatic pain returns when I relapse which is statistically very very likely. I don't have any good reasons to keep on living. I am still fighting but everyone has limits. So I am in a weird position I search for a psychiatrist with empathy but at the same time the person might have to experience my suicide. However I tried to include such thoughts in my former plans which was stupid. I should be selfish and do what is best for me. In order to increase the chance for a miracle. For these people I am only a number. A client. And this is what I mean with romance. There will be no psychiatrist who will be there to save me. If I am broke they won't give me money. I have big issues where only the state could save me and well he is instead busy with denying me the right to die with some form of dignity. Well this is a different debate. Maybe there is no social welfare utopia possible for certain reasons. However if this is the case then the state should have the balls to give people who are fucked by the system a peaceful exit.
So far off-topic. But it was a slightly long introduction. I once described this dude in my self-help group with whom I had suicide real talk when we were alone. He almost killed himself a couple of times, in his family suicide is very common and when I looked him in his eyes I saw it he was deadly serious. It is a long time ago. But he looked tired very tired, And full of dread by his daily torture. He was also the guy who looked extremely happy on social media. I made a thread about him and this conversation. I am not sure whether he has reached a different state of suicidality than me. I could imagine he is closer to it than me. He is also way older. I could imagine there is some naive hope in my eyes. Honestly I think I could not see any hope in his eyes. I think he coped with humor but did not share the joke with the group. I can relate to that.
I could speculate about the difference between my gaze and his. Though due to the fact you don't know how we look like I will talk about it in a more abstract notion.
I think people who experience daily suicidality become tired and exhausted to fight against it. There is a saying suicide does not happen one day suddenly when someone wakes up and says why not ctb today. No the person usually wakes up maybe over months or years with the question in their mind. And one day they say enough is enough. I want to say choosing to commit suicide might be a proces with different stages. One could apply that on the gaze. But I am not good at describing that and maybe at lower levels of despair on could confuse it with some other things that might be responsible for the gaze.
Here is an example where there might be some anecdotes about. I could imagine soon prior to someone's suicide the gaze might be different. This has probably also to do with the internal process. Where the doubts get less and less and the determination to do it grows. One sometimes sees that gaze in the media in fictional story. I struggle to describe it also because I am no native speaker but I would say the following. There is a transition. At first the gaze is empty, sad, full of anxiety and the person being tormented in their pain. There is no focus in the gaze. The person might stare into nothing. For example at a wall while no even realizing that they are doing that because their mental anguish demands all their concentration. But then there is a shift. This can happen pretty quickly. (all of that is pretty layman talk please don't rely on that too much. I am a noob please remind yourself of that.)
The person might envision something. For example falling down a cliff, grabing a gun, taking the lethal medication. Maybe it is a short picture in their mind.The first reaction might be short shock. "Am I really doing it now?". The person might change their mind then. But we assume the person is convinced he or she wants to die.
I have been through this procedure some times but backed out. Sometimes only due to the lack of a proper method. Of course I did not see my gaze all the time. But afterwards I looked in the mirror. Looked in my eyes full of anxiety asking myself how and why all of this had to happen. So back to the person who is determined to die. The consideration to back out leaves their mind. They argue the pain is just too much. And there might be some feeling of relief. Not being forced to feel this pain again. Interestingly I never reached that phase. Or at least not like other people. For me my most suicidal moments did not feel relieving at all. It was not peaceful as you read it often. I was in full despair and extreme pain. But the pain was this much that I saw no other outway. My main reason not to jump was I knew the 7th floor is not high enough and I did not try everything at this point. I assume I am a different type of suicidal person. Planning my suicide made me extremely depressed which made it difficult to go through with my plans. However I think when I reach that pain level again I will do it no matter what. I saw a video of a young guy soon prior he committed suicide. He was in tears cried the whole video and you could see he was going through hell. I think he shot himself. I could now speculate that depending on the type of suicidal person you might be and how different you feel the pain this could influence the suicide methods which might be eaiser for you. This is at least something I noticed in myself. I try to match my suicide method with my brain and different fears about dying. I think jumping from a bridge would be way easier for me than to jump in front of a train.
So I go on with descring that gaze. I don't know the gaze looks determined. Maybe also somewhat empty because there is a lack of attention for the world around themselves. The pain inside demands all the attention and it seems like the world stands still. The moments can feel like minutes or hours while in fact only some milliseconds have passed. I think nothing of that is irreversible. Sometimes even completely random things can happen which can make the person change their mind. The person who survived the jump of the Golden gate bridge said he hoped some of the pedestrians would have talked to him. Asking how he is doing. I read in Germany there was the following case. A man don't know the age was standing at a bridge. The full traffic had to be stopped because of him. Many cars had to wait. One person in the car shouted "Jump already you coward!" Some seconds afterwards the person jumped and died. I think the person who shouted that got a long prison sentence which I welcome. But it also surprised me. My point is nothing of that is necessarily causual or pre-determined. There are so many factors which play a role in that that certainly this layman elaboration on certain gazes is not bullet proof. I had to watch such gazes again and how they are illustrated in films. But I lack the energy for that.
The thread could have been a little bit longer. I am somewhat disappointed by myself.
Of course they help me somewhat. Though I have some issues where there are simply losing conditions where I am forced to kill myself. I tried 3 psychotherapies, tried over 20 medication, had more than 5 clinic stays. My situation is pretty hopeless. I have some irrational hope.
I think having a good life is next to impossible for me. I would be satisfied with a mediocre life quality forever. But no if the extreme psychosomatic pain returns when I relapse which is statistically very very likely. I don't have any good reasons to keep on living. I am still fighting but everyone has limits. So I am in a weird position I search for a psychiatrist with empathy but at the same time the person might have to experience my suicide. However I tried to include such thoughts in my former plans which was stupid. I should be selfish and do what is best for me. In order to increase the chance for a miracle. For these people I am only a number. A client. And this is what I mean with romance. There will be no psychiatrist who will be there to save me. If I am broke they won't give me money. I have big issues where only the state could save me and well he is instead busy with denying me the right to die with some form of dignity. Well this is a different debate. Maybe there is no social welfare utopia possible for certain reasons. However if this is the case then the state should have the balls to give people who are fucked by the system a peaceful exit.
So far off-topic. But it was a slightly long introduction. I once described this dude in my self-help group with whom I had suicide real talk when we were alone. He almost killed himself a couple of times, in his family suicide is very common and when I looked him in his eyes I saw it he was deadly serious. It is a long time ago. But he looked tired very tired, And full of dread by his daily torture. He was also the guy who looked extremely happy on social media. I made a thread about him and this conversation. I am not sure whether he has reached a different state of suicidality than me. I could imagine he is closer to it than me. He is also way older. I could imagine there is some naive hope in my eyes. Honestly I think I could not see any hope in his eyes. I think he coped with humor but did not share the joke with the group. I can relate to that.
I could speculate about the difference between my gaze and his. Though due to the fact you don't know how we look like I will talk about it in a more abstract notion.
I think people who experience daily suicidality become tired and exhausted to fight against it. There is a saying suicide does not happen one day suddenly when someone wakes up and says why not ctb today. No the person usually wakes up maybe over months or years with the question in their mind. And one day they say enough is enough. I want to say choosing to commit suicide might be a proces with different stages. One could apply that on the gaze. But I am not good at describing that and maybe at lower levels of despair on could confuse it with some other things that might be responsible for the gaze.
Here is an example where there might be some anecdotes about. I could imagine soon prior to someone's suicide the gaze might be different. This has probably also to do with the internal process. Where the doubts get less and less and the determination to do it grows. One sometimes sees that gaze in the media in fictional story. I struggle to describe it also because I am no native speaker but I would say the following. There is a transition. At first the gaze is empty, sad, full of anxiety and the person being tormented in their pain. There is no focus in the gaze. The person might stare into nothing. For example at a wall while no even realizing that they are doing that because their mental anguish demands all their concentration. But then there is a shift. This can happen pretty quickly. (all of that is pretty layman talk please don't rely on that too much. I am a noob please remind yourself of that.)
The person might envision something. For example falling down a cliff, grabing a gun, taking the lethal medication. Maybe it is a short picture in their mind.The first reaction might be short shock. "Am I really doing it now?". The person might change their mind then. But we assume the person is convinced he or she wants to die.
I have been through this procedure some times but backed out. Sometimes only due to the lack of a proper method. Of course I did not see my gaze all the time. But afterwards I looked in the mirror. Looked in my eyes full of anxiety asking myself how and why all of this had to happen. So back to the person who is determined to die. The consideration to back out leaves their mind. They argue the pain is just too much. And there might be some feeling of relief. Not being forced to feel this pain again. Interestingly I never reached that phase. Or at least not like other people. For me my most suicidal moments did not feel relieving at all. It was not peaceful as you read it often. I was in full despair and extreme pain. But the pain was this much that I saw no other outway. My main reason not to jump was I knew the 7th floor is not high enough and I did not try everything at this point. I assume I am a different type of suicidal person. Planning my suicide made me extremely depressed which made it difficult to go through with my plans. However I think when I reach that pain level again I will do it no matter what. I saw a video of a young guy soon prior he committed suicide. He was in tears cried the whole video and you could see he was going through hell. I think he shot himself. I could now speculate that depending on the type of suicidal person you might be and how different you feel the pain this could influence the suicide methods which might be eaiser for you. This is at least something I noticed in myself. I try to match my suicide method with my brain and different fears about dying. I think jumping from a bridge would be way easier for me than to jump in front of a train.
So I go on with descring that gaze. I don't know the gaze looks determined. Maybe also somewhat empty because there is a lack of attention for the world around themselves. The pain inside demands all the attention and it seems like the world stands still. The moments can feel like minutes or hours while in fact only some milliseconds have passed. I think nothing of that is irreversible. Sometimes even completely random things can happen which can make the person change their mind. The person who survived the jump of the Golden gate bridge said he hoped some of the pedestrians would have talked to him. Asking how he is doing. I read in Germany there was the following case. A man don't know the age was standing at a bridge. The full traffic had to be stopped because of him. Many cars had to wait. One person in the car shouted "Jump already you coward!" Some seconds afterwards the person jumped and died. I think the person who shouted that got a long prison sentence which I welcome. But it also surprised me. My point is nothing of that is necessarily causual or pre-determined. There are so many factors which play a role in that that certainly this layman elaboration on certain gazes is not bullet proof. I had to watch such gazes again and how they are illustrated in films. But I lack the energy for that.
The thread could have been a little bit longer. I am somewhat disappointed by myself.
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