do you always want to die?

[ivetried089]

For me my will/desire to live can vary drastically from one day to the next without much reason -- one day I'll feel horrified that I ever tried to kill myself and the next I could be planning out how to make it work better the next time I try. It's actually really exhausting. I was wondering if others also experience this kind of thing, or if the desire to die is more consistent, etc?

 

[popcorn1234]

For me my will/desire to live can vary drastically from one day to the next without much reason -- one day I'll feel horrified that I ever tried to kill myself and the next I could be planning out how to make it work better the next time I try. It's actually really exhausting. I was wondering if others also experience this kind of thing, or if the desire to die is more consistent, etc?

I usually have control of these thoughts when I am busy. But, last week, I was in class and towards the end of class, something in me just came out and I started having thoughts of dying. One person in my class wanted to hang out and I said yes, out of politeness. But, I didn't feel good. I eventually texted my parents in the pizzeria where we were hanging out that I didn't feel great and I left. I am scared that they will realize I have mental health conditions and try to force me to get help. That's why I am going to make up an excuse next time they ask about me. I will just say I had a low day.

 

[ivetried089]

I usually have control of these thoughts when I am busy. But, last week, I was in class and towards the end of class, something in me just came out and I started having thoughts of dying. One person in my class wanted to hang out and I said yes, out of politeness. But, I didn't feel good. I eventually texted my parents in the pizzeria where we were hanging out that I didn't feel great and I left. I am scared that they will realize I have mental health conditions and try to force me to get help. That's why I am going to make up an excuse next time they ask about me. I will just say I had a low day.

if you don't mind me asking why are you opposed to others encouraging you to seek help?

 

[popcorn1234]

if you don't mind me asking why are you opposed to others encouraging you to seek help?

I've been hospitalized 6 times, I've tried therapy, I've tried medication, none of it helped and sometimes, it even made me worse. I no longer trust the mental health system and I want to stay as far away from it as possible.

 

[fedup1982]

I always would choose to stop existing if I had a magic button that would let me disappear without hurting anyone including me not feeling pain..

But in practice, after many failed attempts I'm beginning to give up hope of making an exit from this life. The practicality of dying is too hard to solve. But thankfully, I seem to be feeling a lot better so I guess I'll try and be a normal human being and brave the fking shit left to come, since I can sometimes enjoy myself I guess I might be able to tolerate any shit that might happen, I just hope I won't get kidney stones or shit like that

 

[carterprobs]

There are times when I think being alive isn't so bad. Of course there are beautiful and happy moments—maybe this or that could make everything worth it. Recently I was really, really happy for a few months. But it never really lasts, for me. I always end up with these thoughts again.

I really relate to what you said about the swinging back and forth being exhausting. I'm so tired of and annoyed by my brain. It's exhausting to deal with myself.

 

[ivetried089]

I've been hospitalized 6 times, I've tried therapy, I've tried medication, none of it helped and sometimes, it even made me worse. I no longer trust the mental health system and I want to stay as far away from it as possible.

real tbh, i've never been hospitalized but i have had a similar experience with trying things that are supposed to help and not getting any better... i've started thinking maybe doing it myself w/o the "system" or whatever would be more effective hopefully (i.e. delusionally thinking maybe a new hobby will fix me this time... :| as if)

I always would choose to stop existing if I had a magic button that would let me disappear without hurting anyone including me not feeling pain..

But in practice, after many failed attempts I'm beginning to give up hope of making an exit from this life. The practicality of dying is too hard to solve. But thankfully, I seem to be feeling a lot better so I guess I'll try and be a normal human being and brave the fking shit left to come, since I can sometimes enjoy myself I guess I might be able to tolerate any shit that might happen, I just hope I won't get kidney stones or shit like that

hope it works out for you! best of luck in not getting kidney stones o7

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, non-existence is all I want, existence itself to me is an abomination that just cause suffering and harm and I find it deeply undesirable to exist in every way, I'll always see it as the most torturous, futile and cruel burden to exist and I find it terrifying how a human can suffer for so long just to die in agony from old age. All I want is some peace, I just want to never exist again, I find it the most terrible tragedy how this existence was even imposed that just causes suffering all for the sake of it and problems there were never a need for, in this existence so dreadful non-existence really is all that's positive to me.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Yes, I do now. The things I'm doing now are in furtherance of that goal.

 

[knickknack81]

I go back and forth a lot. There are days when all I can think to myself is "im gonna end this soon, I keep going on like this" to other days of like "things are okay, I think they can get better". My emotions have been all over the place for the last several months. It's such a rollercoaster ride.

 

[Aergia]

Am I always experiencing suicidal ideation? No (most of the time I'm not). But is there any point at which—handed a gun and assured that death meant the end of my consciousness—I wouldn't find an isolated place and shoot myself in the head? Also no.

Which is to say that while I have reservations about dying, those stem from (potentially irrational) fears and not having an ideal method. I never feel inclined to live, because I simply have nothing to live for.

 

[hopelessgirl]

Yes every day

 

[Eudaimonic]

Now that I succumbed to total hopelessness, yes.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Yes . why do i have to live even 1 more minute ? I posed this question before here but no one has answered yet.

I don't post it other places cause they'll ban me for asking such a question.

Yes i want to die asap for many reasons on top of reasons. I would never want to live under any cicumstances even in what most consider a good life. Much less in the horrible life they imposed on me.

 

[skraplott]

not always. i'm half assedly trying to recover by myself, but it's going slow. some days are good and i'm making plans for the future, some days are bad and i end up trying to find the method that will fit me.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

There are lingering thoughts of suicide which are almost always there, and in most situations they are weak and easy to ignore, but when something happens which causes me pain these thoughts become stronger - almost too strong to ignore; this is when a void fills my chest, and I sit down and begin to ruminate which only makes it worse.

 

[Freedomm]

For me my will/desire to live can vary drastically from one day to the next without much reason -- one day I'll feel horrified that I ever tried to kill myself and the next I could be planning out how to make it work better the next time I try. It's actually really exhausting. I was wondering if others also experience this kind of thing, or if the desire to die is more consistent, etc?

I can't wait for my sn, every day is torture. I even dream about him, he dreamed of me, it's funny and weird. I finally saw my brain's security systems bypass. All I want is death, and I think about it every second.

 

[Eliska]

No, mostly I do not, it comes and goes in waves for me.

 

[ElTopo]

For me my will/desire to live can vary drastically from one day to the next without much reason -- one day I'll feel horrified that I ever tried to kill myself and the next I could be planning out how to make it work better the next time I try. It's actually really exhausting. I was wondering if others also experience this kind of thing, or if the desire to die is more consistent, etc?

Used to be like that, I had ups where I still felt there was hope. Now I don't anymore, I just want it to be over

 

[Zeir Anpin 729]

Yes. I was about to succeed. Have everything. Freedom. Financial independence. Education. Respect. All was taken from me. A Drill Sargent in the US ARMY bullied me relentlessly because of his hatred of my father. Something that I had nothing to do with at all. Didn't matter, I was a targeted individual and he told me outright he was going to kill me, and manipulate the paperwork to put me in jail if I didn't die. His threats where dead serious, not just a hazing joke. He tried all of these things. He broke both of my kneecaps by hitting me with the weight plates that are supposed to never be unscrewed from the deadlift bar. But he took them off and made me squat awkwardly for hours and clipped me knees with the damn things. The ARMY covered it up and sent me on a plane as far away from them as possible. The VA offered me 0% benefits and I am too useless to work anywhere. A homeless guy stabbed me the other day. I've got trails of unpaid bills behind me. EDIT: turns out this message set off alarm bells in the system and is awaiting moderator approval. I swear to God this site better not be working to protect the reputation of the ARMY. Everything I said is TRUE.

 

[Namelesa]

Suicide is honestly at least at the back of my mind most of the time but that doesn't necessary mean I am not okay with life sometimes. Mainly just that even when life is okay or good, I worry when it will go bad again but also that I don't think death is bad at all in me never having to suffer again. I think I will always either want death to whatever degree or don't mind it at all, never not want to die tho. Even if I got better and I want to live, it would only be for others and I would still not mind death.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Yes, my life has become so shitty and im so alone that I'm unable to get my mind of it.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Until a few years ago, SI was constantly in the back of my mind. Then I started treatment for the right diagnosis (bipolar 1/schizoaffective) and after some trail and error, I got a medication regimen and therapy team that made a big difference. These days, my desire to die depends heavily on my migraine frequency, my blood sugar, and my lithium level. All of which are unpredictable but at least I know the cause and I can treat it.

 

[Thalassa]

For the most part, no, not before developing severely disabling chronic pain problems that destroyed my life.

 

[r.m.216]

Yes

 

[LaetumCat]

Pretty much yeah, even when I'm the happiest I can be I would still be willing to die. Althought sometimes, I do feel the "Well, if it stays like this, maybe life isnt so bad..." but that lasts just a few seconds because then I remember the future

 

[TBONTB]

Most of thee time, yes.

 

[kurzreisekoff]

For me my will/desire to live can vary drastically from one day to the next without much reason -- one day I'll feel horrified that I ever tried to kill myself and the next I could be planning out how to make it work better the next time I try. It's actually really exhausting. I was wondering if others also experience this kind of thing, or if the desire to die is more consistent, etc?

No. I do want to live because life can seem amazing but I want to die because it's not my reality. It might sound weird but when I see other people's lives it makes me think what if I can have that, it gives me a little will to live. But then I try and it's so hard that I'd rather ctb Because it's so hard no way I'm meant to have that kind of life

 

[unluckyworshipper]

i just live because my last suicide attempt ended poorly but i would love to die if i could. i try to ignore it but it's never possible for long

 

[usernamesarehard]

Yeah, I feel this way too. It comes and goes in waves. One day I'm ok, the next I'm not.