Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you didnt have a mental illness?

[FireFox]

I am in my home right now and I just feel completely unmotivated with life. I am currently doing masters degree at one of the UK's top universities and still it doesn't feel like an achievement. I love my degree course but I have messed up and fallen behind in my all law readings. I have a research proposal for my dissertation which i need to hand in within 3 weeks. My assignments for my other subjects are due in January but still I don't know anything about the topics. I failing in my driving classes. I have messed up so badly. I have applied for counselling via my university but its impossible to see a counsellor right now as the university waiting list for counselling is a long wait of many weeke with no clear idea when a counsellor will see me.

I just see everyone I grew up settled with their lives with marriage and stable careers while I can't even get my life together. Looking back now i never really lived my life. My teenage years I was deeply unhappy, self harming, lonely at of the time and just anxious about exams and caring about getting good grades. I had regular mental breakdowns at home and at school but family never took it seriously and thought I was being dramatic while the other kids st school thought I was the annoying crazy girl. At 21 I began to get suicidal thoughts and I developed anoxeria in lockdown. Months after graduating from university the covid19 pandemic came and ended up being unemployed the next 2 years. My early 20s and mid20s was spent in lockdown.

Having a life with suicidal thoughts and anoxeria I have only ever known being trapped within my mind and never at peace with myself. I feel like there is an evil doppelganger that constantly stalks me and wants my entire life. My words and thoughts no longer feel like mine but someone else's that is how I feel the illness taking over my mind, body and soul.

I don't see the world the way other people do and I always wondered what my life would have been like if I didn't see the world the way I do and was just a normal person who fitted in with the crowd and society. At 27 I am just tired of life and nothing ever working out. At 25 I got fired from my first ever full time job since graduating university, I am unsuccessful with men no matter how much effort I put in and I just feel like I do not belong here in this world and just an error in God or the universes creation that shouldnt exist. I just want to sleep and never wake up again.

 

[broken_stoic]

Going to be honest, it seems weird but I don't think I've ever really considered that because my mental health issues are so integrally tied to who I am I think I would be a completely different person without having had mental health issues.

Mostly I'm just happy for other people who don't have to deal with this shit, and wish I didn't either.

Hang in there, at least your school has the option to speak with someone.

 

[divinemistress36]

You got a Masters degree while battling depression I'm proud of you that is amazing. Yes, I imagine I would have a career and maybe a partner if it wouldnt have been for tbi/mental health issues

 

[KillingPain267]

No, I don't think much about hypotheticals

 

[affirmatice]

Always. Well I wouldn't say I have a mental illness. I have physical problems which have caused mental illness. I guess the two are tied.

But yes, I always wonder if things were different. Actually, I don't need to wonder because I know. Before this all, I've felt what it's like to live life freely. It's amazing, I made friends naturally, I was motivated to do everything, most importantly - I enjoyed it all.

So yea... Things would've been much different, but they're not.

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

I think me and my illness, I'm borderline, are so intertwined, I'd be lost if I suddenly got better or recovered. I used to be afraid to get better, then I got better, well sort of, then I fell down when my friend died, and now I'm back to square one, and trying to get better again. Don't give up hope, we all fail when we are ill. I'm here if you want to chat, not that I'd be any good.

 

[Hollowman]

It would've been great but I don't think about it anymore. Just makes me more insane.

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

Honestly, I've been struggling with mental health since I was 11 and suicidal thoughts since I was 14. It's been so long that I think my mental illness is a pretty strong part of my personality, and can't imagine my life without it.

But getting where you are in life with everything you've been through is impressive, even if things don't go well or you aren't proud of them. Even if you feel like you're behind everyone else, you're still doing a lot for your age. I hope things get better for you.

 

[needthebus]

it sounds like you are really smart

life has been hard, but you decided to choose wisdom even with all the difficulties. it's just hard because you're still learning and like everyone else is doing stuff. and it sounds like academics have taken up much of your time.

are you able to publish any sort of essay anywhere on various ideas you believe or any ideas you've developed? just something short to feeling like you are doing stuff instead of just learning?

Thinking you have a doppelganger may be a symptom of psychotic depression, but your IQ probably decreases any inaccurate perception of this.

jogging reduces depression sometimes while waiting to see someone and regarding men, all people of average intelligence are aware of their normal intelligence and feel bad about it, and you sound way above normal for intelligence just from the little I read, probably IQ in the 120-145 range.

you've worked hard for so long, it's tough now but you'll probably get through this. suicide and or suicide attempts are a difficult path and perhaps there's another way.

as for me, i think my personality made me susceptible to mental health issues, but mean people actually turned on this genetics, so I can sort of imagine the version of my life without people being mean to me, it would have been a better world probably

 

[FireFox]

You got a Masters degree while battling depression I'm proud of you that is amazing. Yes, I imagine I would have a career and maybe a partner if it wouldnt have been for tbi/mental health issues

@divinemistress36 Thanks it feels so werid being at university because this is the year I should have been graduating if those last minute issues tuition fees never happened last year. At 27 I just feel so far behind.

All I have ever wanted was to be loved and wanted by a man but all my life I have been that girl now woman who never gets picked and never had a guy really want her. I question what is so special in these other women that men see and choose while I get ignored, rejected and even humiliated by the men I really loved and wanted. Seeing more people I grew up with getting married is just a reminder I have always been that girl who never gets picked while everyone else is getting picked.

27 is not a fun age. It's getting closer to 30, the pressure to be successful and the awareness of being fully an adult but still not knowing enough about life.

Honestly, I've been struggling with mental health since I was 11 and suicidal thoughts since I was 14. It's been so long that I think my mental illness is a pretty strong part of my personality, and can't imagine my life without it.

But getting where you are in life with everything you've been through is impressive, even if things don't go well or you aren't proud of them. Even if you feel like you're behind everyone else, you're still doing a lot for your age. I hope things get better for you.

@ScaredOfMachines Your story is the side of mental illness society doesn't see and refuses to acknowledge. If seeing a therapist and swallowing some antidepressant pills was so easy we would all be doing it. No one wants to suffer prolonged mental pain but the human mind is so evil in tormenting people. Sometimes no amount of medicine can fix a broken mind.

it sounds like you are really smart

life has been hard, but you decided to choose wisdom even with all the difficulties. it's just hard because you're still learning and like everyone else is doing stuff. and it sounds like academics have taken up much of your time.

are you able to publish any sort of essay anywhere on various ideas you believe or any ideas you've developed? just something short to feeling like you are doing stuff instead of just learning?

Thinking you have a doppelganger may be a symptom of psychotic depression, but your IQ probably decreases any inaccurate perception of this.

jogging reduces depression sometimes while waiting to see someone and regarding men, all people of average intelligence are aware of their normal intelligence and feel bad about it, and you sound way above normal for intelligence just from the little I read, probably IQ in the 120-145 range.

you've worked hard for so long, it's tough now but you'll probably get through this. suicide and or suicide attempts are a difficult path and perhaps there's another way.

as for me, i think my personality made me susceptible to mental health issues, but mean people actually turned on this genetics, so I can sort of imagine the version of my life without people being mean to me, it would have been a better world probably

@needthebus you deserved so much better. The problem with society is society rewards bullying. Look at Donald Trump. He spent his whole life bullying his way through everything and now he is going to be president again. Until society stops rewarding bullying, bullying will continue.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wonder what it's like to be an optimist. I wonder if they truly are that positive. Whether they make an effort to be or, whether it's mostly an act. I wonder if it makes life easier. I imagine it would. One thing less to fight- your own pessimism and insecurities. Lack of motivation must be less of a problem too.

I'm not convinced that I am deeply mentally ill although, I don't think I'm 'normal' either. I would likely diagnose myself with: borderline eating disorders in the past, social anxiety, limerence, possibly mild but long-term depression, maybe survivors guilt. None of which are exactly 'normal' or healthy.

I wonder what it's like not to be socially anxious especially. That has caused maybe the most discomfort in my life. I guess all these things are like minor to major disabilities in life- holding us back from living life to the full.

I'd also openly admit though that, I've only done so much to overcome my 'issues'. I sometimes wonder where I'd be if I'd made more effort in that regard.

I think most people do have 'stuff' they're battling though. Talking to people I assumed were confident in the past, I've been surprised to hear they were also massively insecure. I think some people are better at hiding it.

 

[manic]

I am in my home right now and I just feel completely unmotivated with life. I am currently doing masters degree at one of the UK's top universities and still it doesn't feel like an achievement. I love my degree course but I have messed up and fallen behind in my all law readings. I have a research proposal for my dissertation which i need to hand in within 3 weeks. My assignments for my other subjects are due in January but still I don't know anything about the topics. I failing in my driving classes. I have messed up so badly. I have applied for counselling via my university but its impossible to see a counsellor right now as the university waiting list for counselling is a long wait of many weeke with no clear idea when a counsellor will see me.

I just see everyone I grew up settled with their lives with marriage and stable careers while I can't even get my life together. Looking back now i never really lived my life. My teenage years I was deeply unhappy, self harming, lonely at of the time and just anxious about exams and caring about getting good grades. I had regular mental breakdowns at home and at school but family never took it seriously and thought I was being dramatic while the other kids st school thought I was the annoying crazy girl. At 21 I began to get suicidal thoughts and I developed anoxeria in lockdown. Months after graduating from university the covid19 pandemic came and ended up being unemployed the next 2 years. My early 20s and mid20s was spent in lockdown.

Having a life with suicidal thoughts and anoxeria I have only ever known being trapped within my mind and never at peace with myself. I feel like there is an evil doppelganger that constantly stalks me and wants my entire life. My words and thoughts no longer feel like mine but someone else's that is how I feel the illness taking over my mind, body and soul.

I don't see the world the way other people do and I always wondered what my life would have been like if I didn't see the world the way I do and was just a normal person who fitted in with the crowd and society. At 27 I am just tired of life and nothing ever working out. At 25 I got fired from my first ever full time job since graduating university, I am unsuccessful with men no matter how much effort I put in and I just feel like I do not belong here in this world and just an error in God or the universes creation that shouldnt exist. I just want to sleep and never wake up again.

i have thought about it and i am scared of recovery and a "normal" life because i never knew normalcy- my brain is too messed up.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

The only mental illness that contributed to me being suicidal is autism and, if I wasn't autistic, I'd probably be a pro lifer who is just as ignorant about the reality of the world as everybody in society right now. As painful as this is, I think I'd rather suffer through this pain than be an ignorant, happy pro lifer because this allows me to be an anti natalist which in turn prevents somebody from suffering in existence due to my actions. Life isn't just about me and I'd rather go through life in a way that mitigates suffering as much as possible. Pro lifers only care about mitigating their own suffering (aside from when it comes to natural death bizarrely enough) and I don't think that it's fair if I were to not suffer in exchange for many people suffering due to me because I'm not the only being who can feel pain

 

[Neowise]

Often, nearly daily. My life would probably take off if I was normal, I'd have the energy and passion to really get a good life going. The starting conditions aren't bad but I can't appreciate it. I can't overcome my childhood emotional abuse from the past to live in the present.

 

[lonleycrowdedwest]

I am in my home right now and I just feel completely unmotivated with life. I am currently doing masters degree at one of the UK's top universities and still it doesn't feel like an achievement. I love my degree course but I have messed up and fallen behind in my all law readings. I have a research proposal for my dissertation which i need to hand in within 3 weeks. My assignments for my other subjects are due in January but still I don't know anything about the topics. I failing in my driving classes. I have messed up so badly. I have applied for counselling via my university but its impossible to see a counsellor right now as the university waiting list for counselling is a long wait of many weeke with no clear idea when a counsellor will see me.

I just see everyone I grew up settled with their lives with marriage and stable careers while I can't even get my life together. Looking back now i never really lived my life. My teenage years I was deeply unhappy, self harming, lonely at of the time and just anxious about exams and caring about getting good grades. I had regular mental breakdowns at home and at school but family never took it seriously and thought I was being dramatic while the other kids st school thought I was the annoying crazy girl. At 21 I began to get suicidal thoughts and I developed anoxeria in lockdown. Months after graduating from university the covid19 pandemic came and ended up being unemployed the next 2 years. My early 20s and mid20s was spent in lockdown.

Having a life with suicidal thoughts and anoxeria I have only ever known being trapped within my mind and never at peace with myself. I feel like there is an evil doppelganger that constantly stalks me and wants my entire life. My words and thoughts no longer feel like mine but someone else's that is how I feel the illness taking over my mind, body and soul.

I don't see the world the way other people do and I always wondered what my life would have been like if I didn't see the world the way I do and was just a normal person who fitted in with the crowd and society. At 27 I am just tired of life and nothing ever working out. At 25 I got fired from my first ever full time job since graduating university, I am unsuccessful with men no matter how much effort I put in and I just feel like I do not belong here in this world and just an error in God or the universes creation that shouldnt exist. I just want to sleep and never wake up again.

Me too. I am in a lucky position in life. I was smart as a kid, i was born into a rich family, and outside of moderate emotional abuse i had a good time as a kid. But due to my mental illness my life has completely fallen apart. I couldn't complete college, lost my mind and all my friends, and am too weird to find a fulfilling relationship. I'm about to inherit a trust fund and at this point i dont even have the energy to be excited. I used to dream of blowing it and CTB, now i dont even have the energy to do that.

If i was sane i could have a great life by now

 

[FireFox]

Me too. I am in a lucky position in life. I was smart as a kid, i was born into a rich family, and outside of moderate emotional abuse i had a good time as a kid. But due to my mental illness my life has completely fallen apart. I couldn't complete college, lost my mind and all my friends, and am too weird to find a fulfilling relationship. I'm about to inherit a trust fund and at this point i dont even have the energy to be excited. I used to dream of blowing it and CTB, now i dont even have the energy to do that.

If i was sane i could have a great life by now

@lonleycrowdedwest A lot of people think if you have money you can't be depressed or mentally ill but having all the money in the world means nothing if you don't have your health.

Look at the CNN presenter Anderson Cooper. Anderson Cooper grew up in a very wealthy family and all the money in the world that family had to buy his eldest brother treatment for his depression wasn't enough to fix him. Coopers brother killed himself aged 23

This is why society needs to recognise mental illness can happen to anyone

 

[needthebus]

Me too. I am in a lucky position in life. I was smart as a kid, i was born into a rich family, and outside of moderate emotional abuse i had a good time as a kid. But due to my mental illness my life has completely fallen apart. I couldn't complete college, lost my mind and all my friends, and am too weird to find a fulfilling relationship. I'm about to inherit a trust fund and at this point i dont even have the energy to be excited. I used to dream of blowing it and CTB, now i dont even have the energy to do that.

If i was sane i could have a great life by now

if i had lots of money, i'd be much less likely to kill myself in the short-term

work has made me so unhappy and disability payments are nothing if I go to those, if I even can

and if i go on disability, it means being drugged all the time and no independence. i may prefer death to it. they are both terrible actually. i don't think work is terrible generally, but i could run out of money if i just try to start a company on my own and try to do what i want. I'm also probably too sad to work right now, in part due to feeling financially exploited and being angry about that, I work so hard and I've worked so hard in life and have nothing

My health is also so bad right now because being in a psychiatric ward previously made me afraid of all doctors. I'm just disgusting now and really need to see a doctor because there is so much wrong with my health, but if I see a doctor I can either lie and say I have no mental health issues or tell them the truth and be pressured to be put on horrible high dosages of medications, I just can't deal with those assholes and I don't like to lie to people.

Suicide seems like the easier way for me. I wanted to wait for a year or two to do it, but I feel like everything is closing in around me and there's no one to support me unless I submit to the rules of the psychological or psychiatric industry which I do not feel comfortable with after having received such unethical treatment and those assholes do not alter their rules, it's their way or no way. And when I say unethical, I do not mean according to their industry rules, I mean generally they were unethical according to being a decent human being standards. Fuck them all.

 

[graveface]

I'm deeply impressed that you completed a degree and went on toward a master's while dealing with such mental / emotional conditions. IMHO you're not behind. Many people don't get that far.

Honestly I have trouble conceptualizing what I'd be like without my MH issues. They're such a part of my inner landscape that it'd be a total re-imagining.