Discussion Do you find common ground with people with radically different perspectives on the 'big' questions?

[qw3rty259]

By "big questions" I mean opinions that are deal breakers in a friendship or a relationship if there are such to you at all. Like, opinions about euthanasia, suicide, religion, natalism or antinatalism, abortion, politics, lgbt+, and a lot of other stuff...

As for me, I just can't stand it when I have to treat someone who thinks differently about SOME of those topics as a friend. Not all of them. I've genuinely tried to overcome this and speak about "neutral" topics, but it's obvious that the conversations just go flat, because there is not much to talk about and I don't find pleasure in getting stressed about something when I'm not in the mood for another argument. The confrontation is sort of always in the air. I also feel like a hypocrite when being polite by tolerating it. They are free to think anything, but they can't be my friend.

What about you? People talk a lot about connecting with others despite any differences but I don't see it as a real option.

 

[Aergia]

For me it depends entirely on how they came to have those views. I wouldn't be opposed to having friends whose beliefs were opposed to mine so long as they'd actually critically examined those beliefs and were willing to discuss or debate them (without hostility). I don't think you need to have the same beliefs as a friend but I think you need to have similar values/"axioms" and a similar epistemic framework. For instance, I've found it hard to connect with theists whose religious beliefs were merely hereditary, as well as moderate "theists" who didn't think the question of whether religion was true mattered at all, but I think I would get along much better with people who consciously opted to be theists because they found certain metaphysical arguments for God's existence compelling. Or to give another example, I couldn't connect with someone who thought suicide was intrinsically irrational or wrong—because of the cognitive and social biases that exist about death—but I'd be willing to be friends with someone who'd given the matter some kind of thought and consciously concluded that it was wrong for some reason or the other.

 

[qw3rty259]

For instance, I've found it hard to connect with theists whose religious beliefs were merely hereditary, as well as moderate "theists" who didn't think the question of whether religion was true mattered at all, but I think I would get along much better with people who consciously opted to be theists because they found certain metaphysical arguments for God's existence compelling.

I hate when religious people start projecting their beliefs on my life. For example, I have some good news in my life, and they say that it's the god who "blessed" or "helped" me or something, even tho it's actually my and my friends' efforts we put in something. I have no problems with them perceiving their life like that but when they say it to me out of nowhere it feels weird, like devaluing my actions.

Or to give another example, I couldn't connect with someone who thought suicide was intrinsically irrational or wrong—because of the cognitive and social biases that exist about death—but I'd be willing to be friends with someone who'd given the matter some kind of thought and consciously concluded that it was wrong for some reason or the other.

I don't know how you're able to tolerate it (if you're suicidal)... As a person who seriously thought about it and might commit it in the future, I couldn't stand an acquaintance saying that it's "a mistake in the human brain" or something like that, stating that there is something inherently wrong with people who choose to do it.

(sorry, I vented a bit)

 

[Aergia]

hate when religious people start projecting their beliefs on my life. For example, I have some good news in my life, and they say that it's the god who "blessed" or "helped" me or something, even tho it's actually my and my friends' efforts we put in something. I have no problems with them perceiving their life like that but when they say it to me out of nowhere it feels weird, like devaluing my actions.

I can understand that. I wouldn't be friends with someone who'd do that either. I think respecting the other person's beliefs is a prerequisite for any kind of meaningful relationship. I also don't think I could truly connect with anyone unwilling to have their beliefs challenged (and so of course I would need to be willing to have my beliefs challenged as well).

I couldn't stand an acquaintance saying that it's "a mistake in the human brain" or something like that, stating that there is something inherently wrong with people who choose to do it.

I would feel the same way and certainly wouldn't befriend anyone whose beliefs about suicide were that simplistic. Though, there are arguments out there against suicide that are more philosophically inclined, that are based on (of course, debatable) ethical principles. I would feel more positively towards people who opposed suicide on a basis like that—who opposed it in principle, that is. I couldn't connect with someone who advocated for forcibly locking up suicidal people or something like that, because like I said, I think shared values are important, and individual autonomy is one of mine.

 

[foreverfalling]

It's impossible for two people to have exactly the same beliefs and perspectives. Which means it would be impossible for anyone to be friends if having the same beliefs was a requirement. I've always thought if there is mutual respect and empathy with at least some similarity then a friendship is possible, and it's what I try to give to other people. I try to keep things neutral and with an open mind when discussing differences.

In practice it seems people will always try to push their own perspectives onto other people. My last such interaction was regarding religion. They way I try to talk was always to respect the other person's belief, never intending to change their mind, but play more of an inquiring role into why they have such beliefs and how it helps them, and finding 'common ground' in how their religious views have similarities with other religions and philosophies. In retrospect it can be very difficult to keep respecting their beliefs as my questions may come across as condescending and as if to try to change their mind, since my own perspective comes from the opposite direction.

The other part would be the other person trying to push their own belief onto me, since they are so adamant that they are 'correct'. It felt so tiring constantly trying to keep things peaceful and politely declining suggestions to read the bible, go to church and see how it would help me, and being afraid of going to hell. This creates a sort of passive aggressive hostility where I feel the other person is trying to one up me and make me feel like I'm wrong. Here I am trying to find common ground, and you're trying to put me down to make yourself feel better.

I don't even try to talk to people anymore, especially with all my minority perspectives.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Pathetic really but I'm not sure I have enough friends in real life to really know!

I think maybe it's more about tolerance and respect- like other people have said. How adament a person is that they are right. If there really were so many things you couldn't agree on and either one of you wouldn't back down, it would likely end up being exhausting to be around them! You'd constantly be arguing! People can have very strong opinions and still be respectful of other's viewpoints though. They may not change their own but they may be fine in agreeing to disagree.

I've got into major disagreements on here with people over the 'big' issues. Some we're simply never going to agree on- things like religion. For some members, I still actually feel like I relate to them still though- on some level.

I'm not even sure I know some of my friends stances on the 'big issues'. We somehow probably found other things to talk about!

 

[CatLvr]

Oh definitely. If I didn't I wouldn't have ANY friends. As long as you are not a predator of some kind and generally try to be as respectful of me and my beliefs as I try to be to you and yours, we will be great friends.

 

[Privateer2368]

I'm not American so none of that stuff bothers me, really.

Except Abrahamic religious beliefs; those are a deal-breaker.

I do find 'antinatalists' hilarious, since you mentioned them. I've seen them on American websites but they don't exist here, as they'd just be laughed out of the room; 'so, you don't want to have kids? Do you know who cares? Fucking nobody, you weird attention whore.'

 

[qw3rty259]

I do find 'antinatalists' hilarious, since you mentioned them. I've seen them on American websites but they don't exist here, as they'd just be laughed out of the room; 'so, you don't want to have kids? Do you know who cares? Fucking nobody, you weird attention whore.'

Lmao you're a prime example of ignorance

 

[legoshi]

I don't really care cause I'm not dogmatic. I'm open to new views and information. As long as they aren't pushy about it and try to force their opinions on me.