I am pretty pretty fucked up and depressed. I consider to order SN soon (maybe tomorrow?). I have now holidays since two months and there was no day I genuinely wanted to be alive. I don't feel relaxed at all. My mind tortures me instead. I am not sure why maybe it is the withdrawal of addictive medication my psychiatrist doubts that. Or that my college crush considered me insane. I always had the opinion a single woman should not be the reason one commits suicide. But there were countless of women who considered me insane because in my first interaction I often become psychotic. It feels humiliating. I read about narcissistic injuries which often happen prior to suicide (attempts). The reality crashes with the notion of oneself. It feels humiliating. It sort of feels like the straw that brokes the camel's back in my case.
I had a talk with my psychiatrist. She would support me in going to another clinic. She never had any patient who committed suicide (she soon retiers). I might be the first one. I like her but she completely forgot that I am suicidal. Lol. When I talked with her about the narcissistic injury I had to laugh because I was imagining my suicide she was confused by that laugh because she expected something else. It was a very sensitive topic.
Besides that humiliation I am with my back against the wall. I have become extremely sensitive to college. It triggers the shit out of me. After the last holidays the transition between holiday's end and college start was very hellish. And it feels like I have become even way more sensitive towards it. I feel extremely anxious and depressed even thinking of college. I cannot go on like that. I am broken.
I had a talk with a college counselor. I was so ashamed because I make progress only so slow. I felt so ashamed. I have to pass one course in order to go on with college. Otherwise I could get into trouble. I don't feel like I am able to pull even that off. I am just completely done and broken. I am doing nothing in the holidays only things that are supposed to be funny but I am still in the same depressive and paranoid thought loops.
I don't know any way out. I don't want to leave college. It is my last chance for a stable income. (I will later explain why I tried so much already). But I also cannot stay in college. My nervous system has gotten so fucking sensitive. College triggers the shit out of me. I took so much addictive medication to cope with the stress. Still I was paranoid and extremely anxious the whole semester.
To take a break of college could be pretty difficult. As I said I have to pass one course. I would like to re-start a (fourth) psychotherapy but I had to wait two years after my last one. This is one year to wait. I cannot stay stable without that. I could go to another clinic. This might be a good idea. However I have to pass that one course. And honestly these clinics only help temporary for me. They all pretend in their reports they would help me to tackle the roots of my problems. Though they are fucking unsolvable.
I had a list in my mind of things that I wanted to do before I die. And I think I have added some things to the list lately.
I tried to approach a girl at college and fully humiliated me. I am even embarrassed when she thinks I would have committed suicide because of her. She will think my reason was my insanity. I don't think I am that insane. I rather have some very serious and severe issues that are not solvable. I won't commit suicide to create a certain impact on someone I think as I pointed it out earlierthis is extremely difficult and not a good idea.
I read The Pale King of David Foster Wallace. The book he could not finish because he committed suicide in the process. It was fucking amazing. A real gem. I did not expect to enjoy it that much.
I had an honest talk with my grandmother. I explained why I was unable to talk with her beforehand. Why returning to my old home was impossible for me. I told her of my pain and fears.
I am scared of the impact having SN at home. It might fuel my depression. But I feel so much with my back against the wall that I don't know any escape.
I tried two traineeships. I was fired because my depressions got extreme. I tried over 25 different medication. I had 3 psychotherapies. I think at least 5 (earlier I thought 7) clinic stays. Two therapists gave me up in 2019 and thought I gonna ctb eventually because my horrible life quality, bipolar disorder, inability to work/poverty and my stance on suicide. (lol to the last point). Tbh I think they are and will be right. But I think the time point might surprise one of them.
The points I mentioned here were all on my list with giving life and recovery a real chance and life spit me in my face instead.
I read science articles on suicide. How they describe suicidality and the different stages. And they also often say the patient experiences the often irrational or only due to intersubjecitvity (the pessimism caused by depression deludes the patient) desperation that there was no solution except suicide. The following might drive me over the edge. I had to quit school after my first psychosis. I had to quit college after my second psychosis. And it was more than heartbreaking for me. I am studying now the subject I love and I might have to quit college because of my destroyed nervous system. The pain will be unimaginable. The crush I had was trans. (I had in my mind the idea of us against the rest of the world)I think most of the interactions were only in my mind. But when I realized that I had a delusion she would like me and looked in her face how she laughed at me. I might interpret way too much into her gaze. It is just that it happened myriads of times that my psychotic symptoms ruined my chance to get a relationship. Moreover I won't have a stable income. I am way too ill for working. It is obivious I am also way too ill for studying. I only study part time. And the college counselor was puzzled that I was in mental pain. I had such good grades and never had to repeat any exams. I almost slipped the mask. I alluded to some of my pain. But it was obvious she had no clue on mental illness.
So after I described all of the fucking things I tried. I don't think that depression deludes my prospects on living/my future. I could run away for some time. But I am in a real predicament when college starts in some weeks. I might consider ordering SN soon. But planning my suicide made me extremely depressive in the past. I slept so fucking bad the last time I had an internal debate on whether i should order it. If I order it there are two near dates when I could take it. I could wait and look whether I might stabilize and might be able to attend courses again. And kill myself before the semster starts. Or I could wait till I realize that I am collapsing leaving me the decision between quitting or becoming an addictive medication addict because I had to take insane amounts of it to cope with the stress.
I think the pain of the latter scenario could possibly drive me over the edge. I might be too much in pain to go through with the plan to order SN. So it might be easier to kill myself when I already have it at home. I don't really wan to go through the agonizing process of leaving college. But killing myself will also put me in insane amounts of pain.
So here comes the part with the stages of suicide. I am interested in which stage I am. I only found good German articles. I won't put insane amounts of work into translating them. I am pretty exhausted by my internal debate of killing myself. I cried a lot today. Take it with a grain of salt.
So here the first one: the 6 stages of model according to Reisch
1. Pre-suicidal stage where the problems come up, sub-clinical issues.
2. the mental pain stage the patient is unable to see that the future could become better again. And he is unable to see the positive in the past. (bro I am suicidal since a decade and my life quality is horrendous. The future prospects are horrible coming poverty etc. So fucking insane much happened in the last decade that I am very convinced if that shit repeats I am with 99% not alive anymore). The people are unable to see the support of other people. Yes there are people who support me. But my parents will be dead in some years. And I am just unable to cope with all of the insane existential pain anymore. The anxiety at college is simply too much. I really can't. I would like to but I can't. In this stage the thought manifests "I take my own life. That is the solution to my problem."
3. the suicide action stage.
The action takes place. Not sure if i am in this stage. I think I am still in stage 2 but on the edge of 3 if I order SN. The patient might experience a relief of the pain. I wish this was true for me. Because I cannot cope anymore I am so fucking done. Becuase there is the thoughtt suicide solves my problem. I had to hide me crying in front of my mom today. It is pretty difficult to act in front of her. She will go on vacation soon. I might be able to receive the SN in that time period. I will cry a lot I assume.
4- the final ambivalence
likely a half of people takes a break before the final step. They turn introspective. This is also a stage of mental anguish, torment and pain. I was in that stage once and yes it hurts so so fuckinng much. The survival instintcs take control again. At this stage people who pass by at bridges for example can save the suicidal person. Their wording.
5- final suicide action the moment of ambivalence that might often only lasts some seconds or minutes is over. One might take the lethal pills, one jumps etc.
6- the waking up stage most people who attempt immediately regret their decision. Depending on the method the action might be reversible. I am not sure where I read but I think they added. The patient regrets the decison and says to himself life was not that bad and which good life he possibly could have had. Well I am not satissfied with that narrative. I don't have a good life quality at all. I have the shit life syndrome as so many others on this forum. I barely have any life quality my life is a daily agony. And more or even worse decades of torture is ahead of me.
One very very interesting fact. They say suicide should be no taboo subject. They say it is malepractice not to ask the patient whether he is suicidal. Well at least my doctors barely asked me that. But honestly they also would not have prevented anything. They say suicidal crises are often only temporary. if you survive them there is a good chance you will have a good life quality. I am now suicidal since a decade. And my life was very very hard the last 5 years. My life convinced me almost every single day that to kill myself is the only solution escape that pain. But they mean well with saying it. Whatever. They also pretend only half of all humans had the ability to kill themselves. There were two high risk factors. The social exclusion which only partly fits to me. But I also could not interact with my college friends anymore if I quit. The pain would be too much. And one feels as if one was a burden for oneself and others. Bro I don't give any fuck on that. If I was able I would sue the shit out of all of them. I would not care if Germany went bankrupt over me. The society fucked me so hard. I would like to sue all of you who did not intervene in the child abuse for millions.
Some interesting remarks from another article on the 6 stage suicide model. I hope this thread might be helpful for suicide science to reflect on that model because this thread might be insightful. The person does not reflect what other people have to go through afterwards. Well my mom abused the shit out of me as a child and when I showed signs of OCD she hit me harder and shouted at me that she does not want to have a disable kid. Well mom your problem might be solved soon. She changed a lot and regrets her actions. But hell she did and said things to me as a child which are unforgivable. My dad will blame foreigners and refugees for our problems. His anger on them increases with the predicament of the family. I never want to end like him I rather kill myself. The bullies in school were Germans (mostly). Some somewhat nazis (not all though). My parents are responsible for my pain and not the people who flee because of war and potential torture. Both of my üparents love me. But there are also good reasons why they deserve the pain and not me. I need a break. A permanent one maybe.
They say in the mental pain stage rational thinking is impossible. Bro I am in that stage for more than 10 years. I battle suicide almost every day since. I had one manic year without suicidal thoughts otherwise I suffered like a pig. Due to certain brain activities which are on high alert (that is probably the wrong wording) only solutions that are simple and close to oneself are considered. For example suicide role models ( don't think I have that. I love DFW because he tried everything to avoid it but still had no real chance just like me) or reports in the newpapers. The Werther effect.
When I am planning suicide actively they accurately describe it as being on autopilot mode. There is a focus on alleviating the pain and the brain is busy planning one's death. They compare it to dissociation conditions. They say patients before suicide have a similar behavior: Those affected stand bent forward with their arms crossed and appear extremely relaxed, their gaze is directed downwards. ( I think they mean in public watching the trains move for example)
They take a breath before the final action. They also say many who attempted never attempt again. Honestly I am very scared of that. I tried partial, stood in the 7th store and the mental agony was insane. I am scared a real attempt could traumatize me and making me unable to attempt ever again. This is one reason why I want to succeed. I know which hellhole future prospects await me it will literally be hell on earth. Moreover I am scared of the damage if I survive and that my mom might get another stroke.
So my conclusion I am pretty fucked up, desperate in pain, I don't know any real escape and I am running out of time and options. I am very scared of the coming weeks. I want to have really considered any good options but I barely have anymore of them. I am scared about a potential stroke of my mom. But leaving college will break my heart and I will suffer so extremely much. But even trying the semester will also trigger the shit out of me. Fuck my life!
Only 2770 words (without this remark). I am somewhat disappointed.
I had a talk with my psychiatrist. She would support me in going to another clinic. She never had any patient who committed suicide (she soon retiers). I might be the first one. I like her but she completely forgot that I am suicidal. Lol. When I talked with her about the narcissistic injury I had to laugh because I was imagining my suicide she was confused by that laugh because she expected something else. It was a very sensitive topic.
Besides that humiliation I am with my back against the wall. I have become extremely sensitive to college. It triggers the shit out of me. After the last holidays the transition between holiday's end and college start was very hellish. And it feels like I have become even way more sensitive towards it. I feel extremely anxious and depressed even thinking of college. I cannot go on like that. I am broken.
I had a talk with a college counselor. I was so ashamed because I make progress only so slow. I felt so ashamed. I have to pass one course in order to go on with college. Otherwise I could get into trouble. I don't feel like I am able to pull even that off. I am just completely done and broken. I am doing nothing in the holidays only things that are supposed to be funny but I am still in the same depressive and paranoid thought loops.
I don't know any way out. I don't want to leave college. It is my last chance for a stable income. (I will later explain why I tried so much already). But I also cannot stay in college. My nervous system has gotten so fucking sensitive. College triggers the shit out of me. I took so much addictive medication to cope with the stress. Still I was paranoid and extremely anxious the whole semester.
To take a break of college could be pretty difficult. As I said I have to pass one course. I would like to re-start a (fourth) psychotherapy but I had to wait two years after my last one. This is one year to wait. I cannot stay stable without that. I could go to another clinic. This might be a good idea. However I have to pass that one course. And honestly these clinics only help temporary for me. They all pretend in their reports they would help me to tackle the roots of my problems. Though they are fucking unsolvable.
I had a list in my mind of things that I wanted to do before I die. And I think I have added some things to the list lately.
I tried to approach a girl at college and fully humiliated me. I am even embarrassed when she thinks I would have committed suicide because of her. She will think my reason was my insanity. I don't think I am that insane. I rather have some very serious and severe issues that are not solvable. I won't commit suicide to create a certain impact on someone I think as I pointed it out earlierthis is extremely difficult and not a good idea.
I read The Pale King of David Foster Wallace. The book he could not finish because he committed suicide in the process. It was fucking amazing. A real gem. I did not expect to enjoy it that much.
I had an honest talk with my grandmother. I explained why I was unable to talk with her beforehand. Why returning to my old home was impossible for me. I told her of my pain and fears.
I am scared of the impact having SN at home. It might fuel my depression. But I feel so much with my back against the wall that I don't know any escape.
I tried two traineeships. I was fired because my depressions got extreme. I tried over 25 different medication. I had 3 psychotherapies. I think at least 5 (earlier I thought 7) clinic stays. Two therapists gave me up in 2019 and thought I gonna ctb eventually because my horrible life quality, bipolar disorder, inability to work/poverty and my stance on suicide. (lol to the last point). Tbh I think they are and will be right. But I think the time point might surprise one of them.
The points I mentioned here were all on my list with giving life and recovery a real chance and life spit me in my face instead.
I read science articles on suicide. How they describe suicidality and the different stages. And they also often say the patient experiences the often irrational or only due to intersubjecitvity (the pessimism caused by depression deludes the patient) desperation that there was no solution except suicide. The following might drive me over the edge. I had to quit school after my first psychosis. I had to quit college after my second psychosis. And it was more than heartbreaking for me. I am studying now the subject I love and I might have to quit college because of my destroyed nervous system. The pain will be unimaginable. The crush I had was trans. (I had in my mind the idea of us against the rest of the world)I think most of the interactions were only in my mind. But when I realized that I had a delusion she would like me and looked in her face how she laughed at me. I might interpret way too much into her gaze. It is just that it happened myriads of times that my psychotic symptoms ruined my chance to get a relationship. Moreover I won't have a stable income. I am way too ill for working. It is obivious I am also way too ill for studying. I only study part time. And the college counselor was puzzled that I was in mental pain. I had such good grades and never had to repeat any exams. I almost slipped the mask. I alluded to some of my pain. But it was obvious she had no clue on mental illness.
So after I described all of the fucking things I tried. I don't think that depression deludes my prospects on living/my future. I could run away for some time. But I am in a real predicament when college starts in some weeks. I might consider ordering SN soon. But planning my suicide made me extremely depressive in the past. I slept so fucking bad the last time I had an internal debate on whether i should order it. If I order it there are two near dates when I could take it. I could wait and look whether I might stabilize and might be able to attend courses again. And kill myself before the semster starts. Or I could wait till I realize that I am collapsing leaving me the decision between quitting or becoming an addictive medication addict because I had to take insane amounts of it to cope with the stress.
I think the pain of the latter scenario could possibly drive me over the edge. I might be too much in pain to go through with the plan to order SN. So it might be easier to kill myself when I already have it at home. I don't really wan to go through the agonizing process of leaving college. But killing myself will also put me in insane amounts of pain.
So here comes the part with the stages of suicide. I am interested in which stage I am. I only found good German articles. I won't put insane amounts of work into translating them. I am pretty exhausted by my internal debate of killing myself. I cried a lot today. Take it with a grain of salt.
So here the first one: the 6 stages of model according to Reisch
1. Pre-suicidal stage where the problems come up, sub-clinical issues.
2. the mental pain stage the patient is unable to see that the future could become better again. And he is unable to see the positive in the past. (bro I am suicidal since a decade and my life quality is horrendous. The future prospects are horrible coming poverty etc. So fucking insane much happened in the last decade that I am very convinced if that shit repeats I am with 99% not alive anymore). The people are unable to see the support of other people. Yes there are people who support me. But my parents will be dead in some years. And I am just unable to cope with all of the insane existential pain anymore. The anxiety at college is simply too much. I really can't. I would like to but I can't. In this stage the thought manifests "I take my own life. That is the solution to my problem."
3. the suicide action stage.
The action takes place. Not sure if i am in this stage. I think I am still in stage 2 but on the edge of 3 if I order SN. The patient might experience a relief of the pain. I wish this was true for me. Because I cannot cope anymore I am so fucking done. Becuase there is the thoughtt suicide solves my problem. I had to hide me crying in front of my mom today. It is pretty difficult to act in front of her. She will go on vacation soon. I might be able to receive the SN in that time period. I will cry a lot I assume.
4- the final ambivalence
likely a half of people takes a break before the final step. They turn introspective. This is also a stage of mental anguish, torment and pain. I was in that stage once and yes it hurts so so fuckinng much. The survival instintcs take control again. At this stage people who pass by at bridges for example can save the suicidal person. Their wording.
5- final suicide action the moment of ambivalence that might often only lasts some seconds or minutes is over. One might take the lethal pills, one jumps etc.
6- the waking up stage most people who attempt immediately regret their decision. Depending on the method the action might be reversible. I am not sure where I read but I think they added. The patient regrets the decison and says to himself life was not that bad and which good life he possibly could have had. Well I am not satissfied with that narrative. I don't have a good life quality at all. I have the shit life syndrome as so many others on this forum. I barely have any life quality my life is a daily agony. And more or even worse decades of torture is ahead of me.
One very very interesting fact. They say suicide should be no taboo subject. They say it is malepractice not to ask the patient whether he is suicidal. Well at least my doctors barely asked me that. But honestly they also would not have prevented anything. They say suicidal crises are often only temporary. if you survive them there is a good chance you will have a good life quality. I am now suicidal since a decade. And my life was very very hard the last 5 years. My life convinced me almost every single day that to kill myself is the only solution escape that pain. But they mean well with saying it. Whatever. They also pretend only half of all humans had the ability to kill themselves. There were two high risk factors. The social exclusion which only partly fits to me. But I also could not interact with my college friends anymore if I quit. The pain would be too much. And one feels as if one was a burden for oneself and others. Bro I don't give any fuck on that. If I was able I would sue the shit out of all of them. I would not care if Germany went bankrupt over me. The society fucked me so hard. I would like to sue all of you who did not intervene in the child abuse for millions.
Some interesting remarks from another article on the 6 stage suicide model. I hope this thread might be helpful for suicide science to reflect on that model because this thread might be insightful. The person does not reflect what other people have to go through afterwards. Well my mom abused the shit out of me as a child and when I showed signs of OCD she hit me harder and shouted at me that she does not want to have a disable kid. Well mom your problem might be solved soon. She changed a lot and regrets her actions. But hell she did and said things to me as a child which are unforgivable. My dad will blame foreigners and refugees for our problems. His anger on them increases with the predicament of the family. I never want to end like him I rather kill myself. The bullies in school were Germans (mostly). Some somewhat nazis (not all though). My parents are responsible for my pain and not the people who flee because of war and potential torture. Both of my üparents love me. But there are also good reasons why they deserve the pain and not me. I need a break. A permanent one maybe.
They say in the mental pain stage rational thinking is impossible. Bro I am in that stage for more than 10 years. I battle suicide almost every day since. I had one manic year without suicidal thoughts otherwise I suffered like a pig. Due to certain brain activities which are on high alert (that is probably the wrong wording) only solutions that are simple and close to oneself are considered. For example suicide role models ( don't think I have that. I love DFW because he tried everything to avoid it but still had no real chance just like me) or reports in the newpapers. The Werther effect.
When I am planning suicide actively they accurately describe it as being on autopilot mode. There is a focus on alleviating the pain and the brain is busy planning one's death. They compare it to dissociation conditions. They say patients before suicide have a similar behavior: Those affected stand bent forward with their arms crossed and appear extremely relaxed, their gaze is directed downwards. ( I think they mean in public watching the trains move for example)
They take a breath before the final action. They also say many who attempted never attempt again. Honestly I am very scared of that. I tried partial, stood in the 7th store and the mental agony was insane. I am scared a real attempt could traumatize me and making me unable to attempt ever again. This is one reason why I want to succeed. I know which hellhole future prospects await me it will literally be hell on earth. Moreover I am scared of the damage if I survive and that my mom might get another stroke.
So my conclusion I am pretty fucked up, desperate in pain, I don't know any real escape and I am running out of time and options. I am very scared of the coming weeks. I want to have really considered any good options but I barely have anymore of them. I am scared about a potential stroke of my mom. But leaving college will break my heart and I will suffer so extremely much. But even trying the semester will also trigger the shit out of me. Fuck my life!
Only 2770 words (without this remark). I am somewhat disappointed.
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