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ghostdog

ghostdog

Member
Jun 7, 2024
22
Hello dear suffer warriors .
I am gonna be 31 male soon , 15 years passed since diagnosed with bipolar 1 .
As i took a peak, you fellas are very open minded , so it's gonna be a honest situation-question, i have energy for now and if text gonna be a long sorry in advance.

Ok. From early teens i have been very melancholic kid ,had very bad situation in family and i always tried to run from reality , for beginning i used to just go outside a lot, than at 14-15 started drinking and smoking pot , in seventeen started to take party and designer drugs , and when i was not sober everything felt normal in meantime many traumatic things happened and i dived way deeper in substance abuse. Day would not pass at least for me not drinking alcohol and popping benzos. I graduated went to a college dropped out , got job, got "drunk" married , got sober, things got way worse . mania striked 3-4 for times because of it lost a lot of friends (i was very social when not sober) , divorced (i am not blaming her at all, i initialized it, because i was her anchor in to darkness, we were young and she deserves a good life , still checking me till this day, i am happy that it ended without pregnancy) , got fired , got another job, lost control of reality, i was never aggressive , but when my workers saw when i was speaking about interdimensional feelings and beings got hospitilized for 3rd time if i am not wrong, then got really addicted to alcohol , i kinda lsot 5-6 jobs ? because of it. and of course my depression and urge to kill my self was growing ( i wanted to kill myself from 15?) , everybody told me everyone , therapists , friends , family , that it gets better (i am saying this about me as a individual , for a fact i have seen several people who tried to kill themselves , now living ordinary happy ? life . it's very indivdualistic and you should try ) but every month every year it was and is getting much worse , couple years ago used to think that it is not possible to get more terrible than this but boy i was wrong. I should be honest that i have tried soberity ,meds, exercise .. healthy life style but my mind does not want to change , there is no known fix to take a magic pill and be "happy" . Now i am on welfare check ,loner, i have no communication to any of friends ... i used to have rally good small group of friends , they and family tried everything what person can do , from ordinary to experimental treatment methods , and wasted a lot of time . soo i am taking distance for them to remember me like i was before not so pathetic what i have become after years.

Suicide.. firs attempt for me it was more like a cry for help was when i was 15-16 , my uncle died in car crush, and my answer to it was to cut my wrists and then running and painting everything in home with blood and i was not alone then went to a "madhouse" and got BP diagnose, i had several cry for helps and 3 serious attempts , but in 2 of them with of luck of knowledge survived , 3rd one was 99% sure when i ODed on Tramadol(no tolerance)+benozos+seroquel+alcohol, i made so that i didn't even vomit, but 1% happened when my old neighbour granny who is really cool women brings me homade food and cokckies, i have been living here for 3 years already and i could not manage to understand her walking-visiting schedule it's random, and i could not be angry to very kind old women, she brought cookies again i guess , door was closed but what granny would if she didn't took a peak in a window, i hade music on high volume and she saw me with open eyes? that wat she said.. called police , i was in some kind of coma for 9 days i woke up and WTF??? i saw faces of people who love me .... and thats when i said that i will not do it if i am not sure for 100%...

Question... thing is that i was deep in to religion , spirtualism. i am saying this because it took years for me to not hang on and kill myself, for "material happiness", what would people think , then friends , then religion , and at last parents and siblings. From private experience i know that your sucide fucks up people, my friend in late 20ies ended his life in a car crush , he was a gambler and in a huge debts and my private opinion is that it was impulsive rush decision for solving problems but reality is that nobody knows for sure.. but what i saw was his very cool healthy mother became a living statue literally she does not talk she only said as i know why he does not leave note and blames herself but did nothing wrong i have seen my eyes how she was helping him , friends that we share say that they are blaiming themself they could help and so on.. and my question is about how i kill my self to make it look like natural death, have heard or know anything ? i have no driving license to crash into a tree , if i od again everyone will know that it will be a suicide without note , you can not get in my country syanide or any other poison very strict laws , even SN is in a scheduale 1 controlled substance list with opiates and last thing is i don't ant to go to jail . I am asking this because there is only one thing left that i don't want to damage any more my mother and sisters i know my suicide will kill my mom and she really does not deserve it always by my side never left but mentality here is that nobody accepts suicide also i read some science article about how suicide affects closed ones and it was like -10 years of life , i know that it will be easier when she knows her son died in "car accident" so fellas please if you have any advice shoot. i have plan B , i have found abandoned tall building with asphalt on the ground , and there is no soul there (i think remote place is better to not give somony accidently PTSD) Thanks.

For mods if anything is inappropriate please don't ban or delete i will change if something wron

To you fellas if anything is offending , i don't mean it to anyone except myself feel free to ask any questions andi am sorry for a long post , i have a energy now and maybe for a week or two i will be a zombie againg . thanks again
 
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ghostdog

ghostdog

Member
Jun 7, 2024
22
no respond . Fuck it building diving it is
 
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Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
10,084
I'm sorry for all you have been through. It's understandable that you don't want to cause pain to your loved ones. I think it's the major thing we all worry about.

Honestly, I'm never that massively convinced with the whole death by misadventure idea. I suppose it could work. Members in the past have talked about getting drunk and 'accidentally' falling off a bridge. Maybe it's plausible but I kind of suspect people will still at least consider that it was suicide.

I don't know. It's just my personal feeling really- when people just disappear or, the circumstances are odd- it raises so much suspicion. Just look at the current missing case of Dr Michael Mosley. His poor family must be worried sick. But- it means a police investigation- no doubt. They need to rule out foul play if they can't ascertain it was a suicide and in that case- even family members can come under suspicion. Plus, I imagine people will consider that it may have been suicide anyhow. In which case- why didn't they bother leaving a note to say goodbye and clear up any uncertainty? That's really just my feeling though. I'm imagining if someone I cared about died under unusual circumstances. Personally, I think I'd prefer the truth.
 
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ghostdog

ghostdog

Member
Jun 7, 2024
22
Thx for respond i got what you are saying , but in a perfect situation i aimed to a heart attack or something like that (even it will be physsicaly painful for me), it's like a cheating i know , but as i understand in " accidents " people are less stressed and less blame themselves , it's more like "gods will". of course when i jump i will leave very thankful note and try to comfort loved ones and explain why i did it, but it will way more painful for closed ones then ordinary death .
 

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