Do you have tips for making friends in class?

[pqhepxaxaazm]

Hello, I'm new to this forum. I joined because I hope that I will be able to talk about my feelings candidly without being shunned or told to simply live. I will try to provide some background context so that I may receive tailored and suitable advice, sorry if it's a lot to read. I'll try my best to make it clear in English.

I attempted suicide by overdosing a few years ago from university related stress and domestic violence. After dropping out, I began drawing and it became my purpose and job. After saving commission money for years, I've started university again in another country. This time, instead of an academics-focused school, I've gone to school for drawing, but it has poisoned my passion. I have serious art block right now and feel like I can't enjoy life anymore. I've been working as an artist ever since I attempted, so it's not "turning what I love into my job" that is the issue. Besides the content of the lessons, which are heavily focused on contemporary art, I have been discriminated for my race, learning disability, and gender by school staff. I don't feel like I've learned any meaningful techniques, and I'm essentially paying ridiculous amounts of money to be bullied by rotating teachers. I have tried to get help from the course lead and the disability team but neither of them have been able to help or respond.

Maybe it's lingering trauma from the last time I attempted, but I feel suicidal again. I really want to kill myself, but I feel like I can't kill myself because of the cultural debts I owe. I have already caused my parents a lot of dishonor and stress by failing school beforehand. I can't fail again and make them look any worse. I also spent all of the money I saved up over years to have another chance at being normal, if I fail I'll have nothing left, and must move back in with my abusive parents. I'm trying to power through at least this one year and then reassess how I feel afterwards.

Before I make a permanent decision, I'm trying to keep a positive mindset and work hard to try something different, so I thought that I would ask for help in making friends.

Please consider that my background is a non-native English speaker who was previously a pseudo NEET; I have always been awful at communicating and making friends. I wasn't able to make any friends when I was in high school, and while I was consistently employed as an artist during the period after I dropped out of university, I worked alone and only spoke to people online by streaming.

I would prefer techniques on how to make friends with people in real life, in a class environment. I wouldn't mind making friends online, but historically I have found that many people online tend to befriend me to try and get free art or romantic companionship out of me. That being said, I wouldn't mind speaking with people from this forum, since there isn't already a pre-established power dynamic.

I thought a good beginner's point would be common interests, and successfully joined the Gaming club at my university. The trouble is that I attend one of the smaller campuses of the university, and most of the club members all go to the same campus and know each other already. I attended a few events and had fun, but I struggled because I didn't know anybody I could "stick" with. I started talking to some of the members online, but I think two of them are only using me for League of Legends ranks... (yes you can laugh at me). I invited them out and they were busy, should I just keep trying every once in a while until they say yes, or does this come across as desperate?

I have roommates that I get on well with, but I wouldn't say we are friends. Two of them happen to be in the same class, and naturally began doing everything together, so it's hard for me to integrate into this duo. The rest of my flatmates are interested in clubbing, but I think that might be too lofty of a step for me... I also feel scared of clubbing as a girl, I would prefer to meet people in a non-alcoholic setting. How can I engage with party people without having to put myself in an uncomfortable setting?

Another problem I struggle with is "what should I talk about"? I don't feel nervous about asking people to hang out, but my brain often feels foggy and cluttered, I don't know what I should bring up. So far, people seem to mostly talk about school, parties, and going on vacation. How can I move the topic of conversation to something I'm more interested in? I would be happy if you could suggest how you would say it.

Currently we are on a study week break, and I feel even more isolated than usual. I haven't made any close friends yet during university, and I was supposed to spend this break with my boyfriend. He was treating me poorly (jealousy issues, zero emotional support, abusive), so I told him I wouldn't sleep with him. Instead of resolving this issue, he told me that he never supported me being non binary and was frustrated that I wouldn't have children with him (I'm 22 years old AFAB NB). I broke up with him as a result, so I've just been sitting in my dorm going slowly insane. I don't actually feel sad about breaking up, I just feel confused that someone would see me as a mere child incubator.

This is another source of sadness for me. People feel so temporary to me... I want to make a real friendship or relationship that will last despite my mental conditions and gender. I don't want to be doomed to a life of loneliness. I look at the people that surround me on the train and think about the lives they must lead, and I want that for myself.

Well, I was able to get my thoughts out, which already feels better. I hope you will be gentle in your responses, if you choose to respond. I'm not a combative person, so please don't try to butt heads with me on things like cultural debt... Please feel free to give your thoughts by private message as well. I'm not sure if this is the right place to be, since I would like to improve before trying to attempt again, but I feel hopeful. Any advice is appreciated!!
By the way, I apologize if the post is not written well. Thanks for your patience. I'm so grateful to be able to join a community where I can say these things without being demonized

 

[chinadoll]

Hey, I appreciate the honesty in your post. A lot of this resonated with me, I'm a university student with depression/anxiety and often have difficulty making friends. That being said, there are certainly a few things I have learned over my time here that has helped me make friends.

The situation you're currently in sounds extremely difficult. The urge to ctb can come back unexpectedly and it's always hard. It sounds as if you're starting to take steps towards a better life, which is commendable.

Go to extra curriculars: this is an obvious one, but try out a few clubs, don't be afraid to go and not come back if it's not your scene, but try to find thing that pique your interest and would attract people with similar hobbies. You mention the gamin club, but like I said, try a bunch- when I found a club I liked I knew it right away.

Ask for help after class. If there is someone or a group of people you might want to be friends with, go up and ask about material talked about, even if you need to feign ignorance. Suggesting a study session or just exchanging numbers for academic reasons is a great foot in the door. Its an anxiety nightmare for me, but I have made friends by doing this before.

Pins, shirts, etc. if you see someone with an accessory for a show or something you like, this is a great way to strike up a conversation and start a friendship. Also, wearing such things yourself can help break the ice for other people.

All this being said, I think finding confidence in yourself is paramount for all of this. The fact that you posted in recovery speaks volumes OP. I think you have the strength to do great at university. I would love to talk more if you would like to. If you have telegram/discord I can speak to more strategies.

 

[pqhepxaxaazm]

Thanks for your detailed and heartfelt response! I will definitely try these techniques when the new term arrives. I feel excited to try these ideas which were not obvious to me.

I'm glad that someone can relate to this, but also wish you best luck if you're seeking to recover/alleviate your depression and anxiety as well.

Yes, I have discord and would enjoy talking more. How can I send it to you privately? I haven't figured out how to use this site properly yet (poor digital literacy moment)

 

[chinadoll]

Thanks for your detailed and heartfelt response! I will definitely try these techniques when the new term arrives. I feel excited to try these ideas which were not obvious to me.

I'm glad that someone can relate to this, but also wish you best luck if you're seeking to recover/alleviate your depression and anxiety as well.

Yes, I have discord and would enjoy talking more. How can I send it to you privately? I haven't figured out how to use this site properly yet (poor digital literacy moment)

Hey no problem:) it looks like your account it pretty new, so you don't have pm privileges here yet- you'd have to wait, but my discord @ is peteypobs, so you can add me and stay private if you'd like.

 

[Akanea]

Ask for help after class

Yes, this is a big thing, asking a bit of help, like "hey did you understand what the teacher said about …. ?" can be very useful, not a huge favor, because it might annoy them, but a thing that can be answered in 5 min while moving for another class. If you don't feel confortable asking to a group of people, try to see if there is anyone also alone, it will be easier.
Also, I don't know how open you are about your past, but if you start speaking to someone, don't ''trauma dump'' all of your past issues after like a day or a week, it will scare them.it might be hard depending on your personality, but keep it to yourself until they become a good friend. Focus on things like '' yeah this teacher is annoying, the cafeteria is not good, this part is so annoying but I like this..'' small talk, not heavy subject. Ask them questions, about themselves, about where they live and if it's not too far to come to the uni, show that you are interested in them, don't only speak about you.
i hope it will be helpful to you

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

If you smile a lot, use an ubeat tone of voice with occasional joke, and learn to look at others confidently people generally will find you approachable minimizing your need to approach them. This is probably hard.

Ask questions in class to show interest in the subject material and people will learn who you are. This also makes it easier since people will come to talk to you.

Joining a club or the like is a way to find people with similar interests. Finding a common topic isn't actually difficult if you use directed statements like asking what they do for fun. You can expand on that. Compliment their hairstyle or clothing to start conversation. You don't need to party, but you do need to have something to do outside of work. If the topic of your art comes up, you can ask to draw them or show them how you draw or the like. If you need topics just use chatgpt or look for a list online beforehand so you don't have to actually think to maintain a conversation.

You can introduce yourself in the middle or end of the conversation and exchange phone numbers to stay in touch

Cheers and Good Luck!!

 

[Sivit]

Go out and do something
Being pretty good in class can help maybe others might even form a group later on and you can join + help them
Get a hobby or interest like another member already mentioned.
Having interests and finding common interests can help a lot because you can always come back to a common topic and don't need to always rely on small talk.
I guess look friendly and talk with others.
What can hinder you from getting friends is being a loner.
I mean I should know ..