Discussion Do you 'shield' people from some of your thoughts, emotions? The real you even? Do you think that's a good thing to do?

[Forever Sleep]

I imagine a lot of people here are hiding a part of who they are with regards to ideation. What about other emotions or feelings though? Things like anger. Do you hold that in or, let loose? Do you think it's good to always express what you feel? It's more honest I suppose. How much of the real you do people get to see? Do people like the real you or, do you have to modify it?

I think it's probably anger/ resentment/ bitterness I try to keep in the most. It comes out in general ways- I'll moan like hell about something that's happened at work or whatever but, when it comes to directing it at say parents- I try not to. I suppose there are things I feel frustrated at them over but, I know their intention wasn't to hurt me. I know that bringing it up now won't do any good- the damage is done and, it will only upset them so, I try to bite my tongue.

I've found, the older I've gotten, the more irritable I've become and it tends to slip out more and more. I was too shy and timid really to express it quite so much when I was young. I feel like I'm going through my angsty teenage years now in a way.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

In terms of my suicidal ideation I hide it because I'm afraid of getting forcibly locked up or forced to take treatments that I know will leave me worse off.

In terms of my evilness, I don't necessarily try to hide it and yet people still just seem to be blind to it all the same. It's frustrating that people like my friends and acquaintances seem so attached to me when I do no favors for them so I have no idea why they would even bother to want me around.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

When I was younger I'd hide it, now I just don't care. The only place I hide myself is at work, as I don't want my employer to know how fucked up I am and that affecting my salary.

Besides that, everyone knows. I'm also not afraid to share because people don't care enough to intervene, they're also in another country so... I don't even think people are keen in locking me in a psych ward. When I was being seen by the crisis team them made a pitch to not lock me there lol

I don't have the patience to hide anymore, I'm tired and couldn't care less at this point. Even when I tried making friends through friendship apps I would mention straight away, in my bio, that I am severely depressed and if that affects you then best not to match. I also wouldn't match with people looking for someone to "make them smile" or anything along those lines.

 

[InversedShadow]

I mostly keep the anger in, unless Im being really fed up with something, only the close people experience my real emotions, in public Im able to stomach it pretty well and keep it under control I just don't speak a lot then.
I don't think it's good to expose your real self all the time, in public strangers can get a wrong idea about you and with friend or family, it really depends, sometimes it's better not to speak too much..
Sadly what people always saw in me, was just a modification, not the real me, in me they just see a vision of what they think of me, or what they want me to become.

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

Used to hide a lot, now I have specific acquaintances to share'em

 

[iloveyouihateyou]

at first with my parents i tried to share things but man the experience talking to them was so awful that nowadays silence is my greatest ally in dealing with these emotions. whenever i catch flak from my family i just hush up and let them talk so they leave me alone. i feel like it made opening up initially to others really hard though.

in terms of friends, nowadays i've been trying to only maintain friendships with people who are willing to listen and see me through so i tend to be alot more open assuming the connection is there. like everything i'll try to tell someone everything about my feelings cause it's the only way i can truly feel like myself, and if someone can't come to terms with that it's just not worth the time in my opinion, not anymore atleast. before i used to be fake as fuck though and i guess i learned from how shitty those friendships were.

i feel like people have mixed opinions of me, i feel like the real me is likeable to certain people but for the most part i could never show it off regularly, i honestly feel like alot of people in my life voice their inconsiderate/shitty opinions of others way too often and carelessly for anyone to feel comfortable enough to be "real" all the time, unless that person is some oblivious unicorn or something

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I really appreciate this question - got me thinking big time. Apologies for the following/resultant rambles and slight tangent.

Historically yes I hid everything. Even kind of from myself. I knew some thoughts 'weren't right' but I kept getting away with it and moving on and avoiding and 'progressing' with life.

2 years ago I guess things fell apart a bit. I gave up and quit my pretty sweet (secure and genuinely interesting) job. Throwing excuses and blame all over, but mainly aimed at my own incompetence. I mention this because that's also when I tried therapy for the first time. Been with the same therapist for the 2 years. But with her, I have become aware of my freezing but also have isolated from the rest of life so hasn't really mattered how I have thrown reactions/emotions/whatever around - she doesn't judge and accepts all which has been relieving in some ways, but confusing in others

Next week I start a new 'permanent' job - similar to the one I ran away from 2 years ago. I plan to maximise my skill in freezing up and not mentioning anything for ease of settling in and sussing out the new surroundings and getting through things like 'probation'. I did it fine enough for over 30 years. Just a bit unknown with having 2 years of trying to 'unlock' what I can't understand/articulate/explain myself. Not found answers or clarity at all yet for myself. And nervous that I'm more conscious of my facial expressions and freezing and paranoid what shows and what doesn't. Learning more and more how others have had bad reactions from trying to communicate. Until I have clear instructions/suggestions/actions that I can share for how folk can help me if/when they offer, it'll have to stay hidden away.

This also comes from historical inadequacies and frustrations. I was diagnosed 'dyslexic' right at the end of school/start of uni. And only really because my handwriting was so shit that teachers suggested I found out how to get authorised to type my exams because they couldn't even give me 'benefit of doubt' any more. Anyway, I got all these 'support' options and suggestions and resources. Some helped, some didn't, but I found uni super stressful and felt guilty that I was still struggling despite these resources. But also knowing I was guilty in not using these resources to their full benefit. So couldn't complain about it, was my laziness. Somehow passed after several resits and moved on into the working world. My reading/spelling is fine enough so no need to take it further or declare anything. Irrelevant. But also, declaring anything to an employer (or any MH struggles to friends) just leads to the questions of 'how can I help', which I genuinely don't have answers to - just awkwardness and inadequacies and freezing. So best keeping it hidden. For now.

 

[Aglossa]

Yep I definitely shield people from my thoughts. Nobody wants to hear about how much I hate myself, life and everything. Or how I find everything meaningless and worthless, how much I want to hurt myself, how much I want to die. Such a mood killer. And other people don't really deserve to deal with that kind of stupid stuff anyway. I will just pretend everything is fine, and as long I keep that facade I can fool myself a little too. Until I go home.

 

[BoulderSoWhat]

The most consistent human interaction I have right now is my work. I don't really know how I would describe myself. I mostly get along with everyone, but I can't do small talk or get excited about things. Not genuinely, maybe I'll talk a little bit about stuff or reciprocate excitement, probably mostly as a mirror neuron defense mechanism of some sort, yeah I just made that up but it's probably a thing somehow. "Quick! Throw a smile or laugh so they don't get suspicious! Oh, yeah, uh, ha...ha, I too once went to halloween party and had drinks, and there was much humans around me doing human stuff. Yeah, great, fun."

But I do also get extremely frustrated sometimes with work too, and it's hard for me to hide when I am.

Right now I think my therapist is the only person I have who I can speak most honestly to irl. I've been getting better at being around people. I went to a mall this past weekend, I try to go to coffee shops regularly. Ever since I got of the hosptial on June 11th this year after ctb attempt, I can factually say that I have been out of my apartment at least once a day, so that's something that I have not lost the drive and just shut myself in a whole day.

But now it's like, okay I'm around humans outside of work, what can I do to try to form just one authentic connection. It doesn't have to be so ambitious to try to form a short term or long term friendship or aquaintance. I just want to have a good conversation with a stranger, learn about them, talk about anything, then going our seperate ways would be totally fine.

I'm just introverted mostly and don't know how to try to interact with people.

 

[Pryras]

I only have been able to maintain one friend in my life and they have no idea about the real me. No idea of my life or ideations which is probably why we're even friends in the first place

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I find that I pretty much have to tone things down when I talk to people about myself. Lie about how I'm doing, that sort of thing. Though sometimes the truth does come out… and people can't really handle it. I think they feel powerless and that makes them feel bad so they avoid me to feel better. I understand, and I don't blame them, but it is quite lonely.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I tried to shield my emotions and thoughts to my mum but recently I've been failing at doing that massively. I haven't mentioned that I'm suicidal but I have shown my anger at the world and I even went as far as telling her that I hate how she gave birth to me. I mentioned at how I hated life and hated that I have to do things such as university or work or whatever. I also mentioned or at least tried to mention that nothing really makes me happy in life.

Of course I just got a load of bullshit religious answers at how I can't be going against god's design and how the suffering in this life doesn't matter because what matters is avoiding eternal hellfire. She also repeatedly keeps on telling me to "just be happy at the little things" and all that does is fuels my anger. Sometimes I get so fucking angry to where I just want to tell her that I don't believe in her stupid ass religion and let her disown me due to that. At least I'd be able to die from being homeless for too long! Fuck life, fuck everything. It's no point trying to explain my mum anything since she just can't ever understand. My sister went through so much worse pain than me and my mum told her more or less the same things. Whenever I listen to my mum, or anybody really, talk about life and how beautiful it is, I get 10 times angrier and I feel like an erupted volcano. It's just so futile trying to get these people to understand my pain and how much I hate pain because these people see pain as a good thing

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Yes, because I know how repetitive it would be since I have no intention of "recovering." No one wants to hear you mouth off the same complaints over and over: there's no point to anything, I want to sleep all the time, I wish I had died back then, I loathe existence. Maybe they can tolerate it once or twice when they think you're just venting in a bad moment, but once they finally understand that this isn't some passing slump, but a deeply held worldview, their patience (understandably) runs out.

 

[pilotviolin]

if i had to answer directly i dont think id have the time or cohesion atm to organise my thoughts, but recently ive resorted to screaming top of my lungs in my car and i had a sense of clarity for a bit after that.

 

[EternalShore]

I don't think it's good to expose your real self all the time, in public strangers can get a wrong idea about you and with friend or family, it really depends, sometimes it's better not to speak too much..
Sadly what people always saw in me, was just a modification, not the real me, in me they just see a vision of what they think of me, or what they want me to become.

yeah, I like to keep a good reputation, even here~ :) or rather, mostly here~ xD People seem to hate me irl, and I've never been able to tell why~
I'm sorry about that tho~ :( Same here~ I design my whole self to best suit the people I'm talking to and yet I can't fit anyone instead and no one likes me~ >_< It just makes socializing irl with other college students absolutely insufferable~ :((( The only time I'm really able to be myself is like online sometimes and when playing with kids at family gatherings~ It's too bad~ :(

 

[Gorbolflungus]

I generally just don't see any reason to share those sort of things nor am I really interested in sharing it, I don't really think any sort of outside input will help my situation and I don't tend to be very talkative or open either way so I keep to myself. I think it's just really apparent to other people that I don't really like sharing stuff or talking in general, so I don't it's necessarily hiding it.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

In most situations I do not act in line with my personality, and I do not express how I truly think. This is mainly because from a few experiences in the past other people are either not interested in what I say, or they do listen to an extent, but twist and/or misunderstand what has been said.

 

[nomoredolor]

I'm autistic, recently diagnosed. But growing up I knew I wasn't the same as everyone else and was very sensitive and emotional. I've wanted to die since I was 12. I had to learn for survival how to mask and how to do it well. How to enter the room with a smile on my face even when I was still bleeding from self harm injury. It was very helpful for not having to explain why I'm depressed or have people up my ass asking if I'm okay. However in the long run it has fucked me. No one believed when I told them I was diagnosed autistic. I tried to start unmasking and they accused me of just pretending to fit the diagnosis. (Shitty people I know.) but basically I acted so okay for years that nobody believed me when I started to try to be more honest.

 

[gnarly]

I think of myself as a pretty negative person deep down. Even right now I'm not my true self. I tend to hid that me away. So I hide the evil away ig

 

[star.trip]

Well, since I was a child I have always hidden my emotions (joy, sadness, desire to cry, etc.). In principle it seems like a good thing but when you have been doing it for a long time there comes a time when you get lost, you don't know what you feel, you don't know how to manage your own emotion. And in the end you end up trying to make those around you feel good even though you yourself are broken inside.

Then I started to show those emotions because it was consuming me, and that's when most people looked at me the wrong way. The reason was simple: before I didn't say anything and put on a good face but when I started to say what I thought then people would say "what happened to you, you have changed (implying that I have changed for the worse).

So in my case I can say that it has done me a lot of harm to hide my emotions, not having anyone to unburden myself to and all to comply with a phrase of my father (hear, see and shut up). That's life.

 

[whatever111]

Some people have a round about idea that I don't wanna be alive but no one knows the full extent. No one ever really will.

 

[ZeroM24]

Of course I do. Can't just tell everyone I wanna kill myself lol, they put people like us into insane asylums in most countries. Its not everywhere as hard as in the US to get involuntarily commited.

 

[barely_afloat]

If I'm ever around anybody in person, I usually come across as emotionless or aloof. I mainly try to be in a neutral state or put in a smile. I don't open up so I can hide the "real me". It's a protective measure really because one of the worst feelings is to express yourself yet not have that expression reciprocated.

I have a lot of crappy thoughts and ideation. To the few I tried to share them with, I was ignored. So I just don't share them at all. It kinda sucks. I need people to talk to about this stuff sometimes but it's like I now have a lock that prevents me from speaking about them. So I just try to listen instead.

 

[CatLvr]

All the time. For most of my life.

 

[Redacted24]

Like others have posted, I try to pass myself off as preoccupied, but interact as much as possible in expected ways when I'm forced to. It's exhausting though.
When I'm extra tired or frustrated sometimes I'll slip up, recently made a remark to a coworker when discussing an office problem that I wouldn't be around to experience the long term impact since my life would be ending soon.

I got questioned about that and had to explain that my life at this job would end as I fade into retirement... but don't think they were convinced. Ugh.

 

[LostLily]

Grew up in a family where we don't discuss emotions and if I cry my dad would scream at me to stop.

Last time I open up to friends they where horrible and one lambasted me for attempting a "stupid" thing

 

[granny1!]

Yep. I'm 68 and I was told as I was growing up that I was not as good as others and to stay in my place. Do not disagree, argue, or express an opinion. As such I became an adult who did not upset the system. Not only was I taught this by my parents, as an adult it was obvious I could not stand up for myself. So it was made clear to my to shut up, do my work, and my opinions do not matter. So here I am still this way and I hope all of you can be more vocal and stand up for yourselves. You don't have to be uncivil or violent about it but if someone doesn't think your views and life matter, they need to fuck off.

 

[nux_walpurgis]

I imagine a lot of people here are hiding a part of who they are with regards to ideation. What about other emotions or feelings though? Things like anger. Do you hold that in or, let loose? Do you think it's good to always express what you feel? It's more honest I suppose. How much of the real you do people get to see? Do people like the real you or, do you have to modify it?

I think it's probably anger/ resentment/ bitterness I try to keep in the most. It comes out in general ways- I'll moan like hell about something that's happened at work or whatever but, when it comes to directing it at say parents- I try not to. I suppose there are things I feel frustrated at them over but, I know their intention wasn't to hurt me. I know that bringing it up now won't do any good- the damage is done and, it will only upset them so, I try to bite my tongue.

I've found, the older I've gotten, the more irritable I've become and it tends to slip out more and more. I was too shy and timid really to express it quite so much when I was young. I feel like I'm going through my angsty teenage years now in a way.

this feels almost like something I would have wrote. It hits very close to home.

I hide my true self from almost everyone. My thoughts, my feelings. The only person I have opened up to is my therapist, but even with her, I withhold stuff. When my parents ask me how I do in university I just say "fine", while in reality I am suffocating from chronic anxiety. I can't open up to them, not after what they've done.

Regarding suicidal ideation, I keep it to myself. I may make some dark jokes about it with my friends, but they don't get the severity of the situation. I had some sort of mental breakdown a couple months back and let it slip up to my mum (who I am sure told my dad) and they called my psychiatrist and so she knew too and threatened me with institutionalisation. So I learned to shut up about it. Here is the only safe place,