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Simple question. Do you keep pushing forward, in case things could improve (if possible) or have you thrown the towel?
Myself, I keep bouncing between both states. I will feel the dreaded feeling of hope, and do things in, well, hope of change and improvement. Then, naturally, comes disappointment and sadness. Repeat the circle.
Maybe someday the hope will become reality. That or I will just kill myself. Whichever scenario works for me.
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akosineenee, Zzzzz, Broken Widow and 7 others
It's both for me too. As someone still dependent on her parents (college student and all), I can't avoid their "eyes" and have to maintain certain standards like not being kicked out of college while I'm still alive. Although I'm performing far worse than I used to, I'm getting by in school somehow. I don't remember anything I learn, however. I also have seemingly pathetic goals which mean the world to me--like losing weight--because I have no real goals in life, but at the same time, it's hard to motivate myself to exercise and manage a calorie deficit because I'm just so tired of trying [anything].
Losing weight is more of a way to feel less bad about myself because my self-esteem is the worst. While I'm at an okay weight for some people (~130 lbs), I didn't feel comfortable at 115 and don't think I'll ever feel comfortable unless I'm in the 100-110 range since I'm not tall. I was doing a good amount of cardio and muscle endurance/resistance training during the first semester but then more stress and sadness hit me, and I gained more weight by stress/binge eating.
Honestly, I have the same problem with trying to kill myself. I still can't muster up the energy to buy bitcoin for N when it would, hypothetically, be a very simple task. I would have to lie to my parents to go out and deposit some cash into my card, and then I would have to follow process of ordering N from there. Maybe I'm still scared?
I have had and maybe still have last hopes. But I know I'm only fooling myself and that these last hopes were fabrications meant to distract me from reality. Right now, I haven't completely thrown in the towel because I don't have my method on hand but I'm not being productive and living like someone who wants to live either. I'm just stuck.
I'm thinking but currently I'm stuck in both states. I have a plan to push forward and be a freelance (because I never want to be in a fucking corporations no matter what). In the same time I'm researching about ctb and I wish to make it real.
The state of pushing forward for me is only for two reasons, money and getting distractions with that money (food, games.. etc)
I think like a lot of people here I'm in between. I'd say mostly trying to push forward. I'm trying therapy and medication in hopes of getting better, and I'm having many first time experiences in hopes of enjoying life. However I do sometimes think what's the point if I'm most likely still going to kill myself, whether it's in a month, year, or ten years. This results in me giving up many times.
My mom is pushing me to go back to college so I've been sort of half-ass trying to get my funding set up even though I plan to ctb by the end of this month. I'm pretty much just faking so she doesn't suspect anything.
I'm not sure if this makes sense but I'll post it anyway,
So I've been in the middle myself for awhile now too, and I've come up with an idea to sort of break that cycle. I'll try my best, until I see/think that I'm the best version of myself that I'll absolutely ever be. Which means working towards my goals, short and long term, and doing all I can to try and make myself happy. I do this for a few months and after I think I'm there, if I still want to die, I can do it without a doubt in my mind. It makes a bit of sense since I'll have more access to a less painful method by then, and if I still want to die after being the best version of myself, there isn't really a point in going forward is there?
Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong this is all just scrambled thoughts at 1am.
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couldntthinkofaname, dano6533 and Cyanide
I'm not sure if this makes sense but I'll post it anyway,
So I've been in the middle myself for awhile now too, and I've come up with an idea to sort of break that cycle. I'll try my best, until I see/think that I'm the best version of myself that I'll absolutely ever be. Which means working towards my goals, short and long term, and doing all I can to try and make myself happy. I do this for a few months and after I think I'm there, if I still want to die, I can do it without a doubt in my mind. It makes a bit of sense since I'll have more access to a less painful method by then, and if I still want to die after being the best version of myself, there isn't really a point in going forward is there?
Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong this is all just scrambled thoughts at 1am.
If this is your strategy, I think your time frame of "a couple months" is woefully inadequate. Hell, that's not even a quarter of a year. I bitch at society and investors about being so short sighted. A more realistic time frame to change habits, try a few different options, and then gain traction should be at least 24-36 months.
Not saying this should be your strategy, just that your strategy should be realistic.
I continue to exist out of weakness & fear. Nothing else. I have no goals. No plans for the future. Nothing to look forward to or hope for. I'm simply just waiting to die, while suffering a great deal in the meantime. If I had the gumption to kill myself right now, I would without hesitation. Guaranteed. As far as I'm concerned, nothing in life is even remotely worth the trouble so as to willfully choose to continue stewing in its corrosive juices one moment longer than you have to. Nothing.
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Broken Widow, lv-gras, Cyanide and 6 others
I continue to exist out of weakness & fear. Nothing else. I have no goals. No plans for the future. Nothing to look forward to or hope for. I'm simply just waiting to die, while suffering a great deal in the meantime. If I had the gumption to kill myself right now, I would without hesitation. Guaranteed. As far as I'm concerned, nothing in life is even remotely worth the trouble so as to willfully choose to continue stewing in its corrosive juices one moment longer than you have to. Nothing.
This. I have no goals, no future, nothing. I'm here out of fear. Even with N theres still fear of death, and the survival instinct to fight through. Just as im typing this right now my "peaceful pill" (Nembutal) is still in my dresser. I used to think it was my fear of physical pain but i found out after getting N that its something much much deeper than that. Feeling alittle hopeless.
I gave up but do certain "productive" activities to keep suspicion away that I still feel suicidal after a hospitalization a long time ago. Not trying to get "saved" again
This. I have no goals, no future, nothing. I'm here out of fear. Even with N theres still fear of death, and the survival instinct to fight through. Just as im typing this right now my "peaceful pill" (Nembutal) is still in my dresser. I used to think it was my fear of physical pain but i found out after getting N that its something much much deeper than that. Feeling alittle hopeless.
Do you choose death because it's your only possibility or do you really want to die? For me, not doing anything with my life helps me to have the courage to ctb. Not doing anything is part of the suicide act in itself, it's the preparation. If I start to study and work I won't have the balls to ctb because I already started a life project, if I don't have a life project it will be easier to choose suicide.
That being said, I don't need to do anything because I have my parents.
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Broken Widow, lv-gras, Nano and 2 others
Do you choose death because it's your only possibility or do you really want to die? For me, not doing anything with my life helps me to have the courage to ctb. Not doing anything is part of the suicide act in itself, it's the preparation. If I start to study and work I won't have the balls to ctb because I already started a life project, if I don't have a life project it will be easier to choose suicide.
That being said, I don't need to do anything because I have my parents.
I want to die and have philosophical and logical reasons. Its not because being the only possibility, many things are possible but I wouldn't choose or do them.
If I did something for life it will be a temporary thing and not because I'm believing that I should continue living.
I want to die and have philosophical and logical reasons. Its not because being the only possibility, many things are possible but I wouldn't choose or do them.
If I did something for life it will be a temporary thing and not because I'm believing that I should continue living.
Took the words right of my mouth. Well said. Not that it would come as much of a surprise to anyone, but, from my perspective, the only winning move in life is simply not to play. There's nothing to be gained whatsoever by participating in such a lurid carnival of horrors as the reality we all have the great misfortune to currently find ourselves in. I cling to the hope of death's swift arrival the same way 99.9% of others cling to the hideous, writhing eldritch abomination more commonly known as life. Everything on this planet (or elsewhere in this cold universe) is nothing, but a twisted, stinking defecation. A collection of vile pieces haphazardly broken off from Shub-Niggurath itself (a horrid creature created by horror fiction writer H.P. Lovecraft which, more than likely, symbolized his utter disgust of life, and by extension existence itself). This entire universe is just one festering gutter. There's nothing, nor has there ever, been anything of value here and there never will be. Don't mean to repeat myself, but meh. Whatever.
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Smilla, Life sucks, Cyanide and 2 others
Sorta in between in terms of hope, one moment i'll think things could be okay then it goes back. However, i'm faking to my family that i'm actually gonna join the military so they don't start to think i'm gonna CTB.
Yes, I try my best in appearing normal and I'll study hard for exams in case I fail at ctb.
Gotta have a plan B I guess...
But I'll admit that it's much easier to deal with the world knowing it will be gone in a year.
I push forward to see how much pain I can take before I decide to end my life. I know my future has no good outlook and I have accepted it. I have tried to be positive in the past and it has always gone completely to shit.
My urge to die has never been worse than the past 2 days. But I can't even if I wanted to. The only reason I have never gone ahead with it is because of my family and husband. They don't understand that the only relief I'll get will be my last breath. And I get why because they all have everything to live for, they are all I have to live for and it hurts me knowing that I go through this pain in my bed or couch every day and those I do it for will never even understand. The reason I can't do it now is because tomorrow is my wedding anniversary and I can't have that be my thank you to the only other person I believe has ever loved me apart from my parents and siblings. My point is, I lost my will a while ago, the only thing keeping me is to save my family from ever feeling this shitty when I'm gone
I live my life as if I would fail my suicide attempt. As in I continue to do research into my major and career, do my assignments in college (US), work, etc. I believe I will die as it will be full suspension with the proper rope, but this is more of a just in case kind of thing.
For some reason I keep pushing forward, I guess a part of me still has hope. Although I've mostly stopped caring about getting my degree and my future career and literally every aspect of my existence. I'm drifting through life like a lonely leaf floating at sea, without purpose nor thought. Each day I get more and more suicidal, wondering why I don't just end it already, why I'm holding out for the slim chance something good happens. It's a pointless venture yet here I still remain.
The film Ravenous features a fascinating little phrase: suicidal ambition.
As my suicidal ambition grows, it has begun to eclipse all other ambitions. So many of my little projects for which I had patiently laid the groundwork now seem trivial. Equipment purchases for items I would have liked to have made come off as the whims of a spendthrift. I bought some nice clothes for when I finally had the courage to go out; when I look at them, buried in the closet, they are gaudy, pricey rags. Stacks of books for subjects I would like to teach myself simply occupy space. My goals, occluded, only collect dust.
I will use the appearance of goals now as camouflage, the way the assassin bug (Acanthaspis petax) covers itself with corpses to disguise itself. If I come off as not working towards ... whatever ... people might get wise to my plans.
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Slacker, Sidestep, Tiburcio and 1 other person
I go through the motions of life, but I know in the end I will most likely CTB, unless I am lucky enough to die in an accident, murdered, or from a disease. I feel like a living ghost.
^
Lucky enough to be murdered lol. Come off it. Lets not turn this place into a fan club for the sick and depraved just because we're having problems. Whenever anyone says anything like this I start to doubt their sincerity
^
Lucky enough to be murdered lol. Come off it. Lets not turn this place into a fan club for the sick and depraved just because we're having problems. Whenever anyone says anything like this I start to doubt their sincerity
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