Do you think it’s more traumatic to lose a child when your in your 80s or when your in your 50s?

[Pryras]

My mother is in her 50s. I feel like I'm living for her since I know how painful waking up everyday and ruminating can be. It's unbearable to me. But doing this to my mother and to imagine her waking up like that everyday is so hard for me.

If I can't muster through until after she passes to ctb, then I will have to die when she's still alive. Would dying earlier be less traumatic or would you care less if you were in your 80s or 90s. In a way I thought it would give her decades to get over it but also there's something sad about losing your kids right before you pass.

 

[Seiba]

I see what you're saying about decades to get over it. I'm childless so my opinion might not have much weight. I would say older age is likely easier because as the decades go on it will still come up in someone's mind here and there if they cared for you. Does she know about your feelings at all? Sometimes closure can help, if only a little. Sorry you're going through this.

 

[ElVato]

I think it will hurt the same no matter what.

A person in their 80s might have a different view on life, as in, they might already be expecting to die soon, so that might give them hope of seeing their dead relative (should they believe in that), which in turn might diminish their suffering a little bit.

I don't think people can really get over an unnatural death ever. They might come to terms with the fact that it happened, but it's a wound that will never heal. Sometimes, that wound motivates people to make great things, even discover their artistic side. Some other times, it just becomes a permanent source of suffering.

Such is the burden that comes with such decision. Arguably, even the person you least expect, that one who barely knows you, could be impacted by your death. Humans are weird like that.

But yes, the "normal" is that no parent should have to bury their child, so when a child goes, no matter how old the parents are, it breaks a lot of these "natural laws", which cause a lot of grief and confusion exactly because of the idea that a natural law can't be broken.

 

[Pryras]

I see what you're saying about decades to get over it. I'm childless so my opinion might not have much weight. I would say older age is likely easier because as the decades go on it will still come up in someone's mind here and there if they cared for you. Does she know about your feelings at all? Sometimes closure can help, if only a little. Sorry you're going through this.

Thank you I'm childless too. I've talked to her about it in the past just so it's not a huge shock if it happens. I don't want anyone to be blind sided by my suicide but I agree having years to ruminate over it may be more devastating.

I think it will hurt the same no matter what.

A person in their 80s might have a different view on life, as in, they might already be expecting to die soon, so that might give them hope of seeing their dead relative (should they believe in that), which in turn might diminish their suffering a little bit.

I don't think people can really get over an unnatural death ever. They might come to terms with the fact that it happened, but it's a wound that will never heal. Sometimes, that wound motivates people to make great things, even discover their artistic side. Some other times, it just becomes a permanent source of suffering.

Such is the burden that comes with such decision. Arguably, even the person you least expect, that one who barely knows you, could be impacted by your death. Humans are weird like that.

But yes, the "normal" is that no parent should have to bury their child, so when a child goes, no matter how old the parents are, it breaks a lot of these "natural laws", which cause a lot of grief and confusion exactly because of the idea that a natural law can't be broken.

I agree and wish I was alone so I wouldn't cause any pain for her. I don't think she'll ever get over the unnatural death part, and she'll wake up in misery most days. It's what's keeping me here but I feel so trapped about it

 

[Apathy79]

I think you know the answer and it's not the one you want it to be. But can you really push on another 30 years for that reason? The decision isn't about her, despite the effects it will have.

 

[Emeralds]

Losing you will be traumatic to your mother either way. It doesn't matter how old she is. Having one of your children die is the worst thing that can happen to a parent especially if it's an unnatural death and they feel it could have been prevented. My father told me once that it doesn't matter how old me and my brothers were. We could be 80 and we would still be his "babies."

 

[CatLvr]

As a mother I can tell you no matter what my age I would be gutted. What you are describing (but in reverse) is why I am still here. I can't bring myself to do this to my children. Those who love us (especially mothers, fathers and their children) is a bond that is indescribable. At least to my mind.

I will understand completely if you feel like you cannot stay until your mother passes, though. It is no easy feat, some days. I find just taking each day as it comes and not thinking one second ahead on the bad days helps. Not gonna lie, that took some practice and some days I have sat and looked at the loaded gun in my lap for HOURS. But in the end, all I could see was my children. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. It just is.

 

[Pryras]

I think you know the answer and it's not the one you want it to be. But can you really push on another 30 years for that reason? The decision isn't about her, despite the effects it will have.

As awful as it sounds, I wish she was already in her 80s so I could wait it out and ctb sooner that later. 30 years or more sounds like hell.

 

[Pryras]

As a mother I can tell you no matter what my age I would be gutted. What you are describing (but in reverse) is why I am still here. I can't bring myself to do this to my children. Those who love us (especially mothers, fathers and their children) is a bond that is indescribable. At least to my mind.

I will understand completely if you feel like you cannot stay until your mother passes, though. It is no easy feat, some days. I find just taking each day as it comes and not thinking one second ahead on the bad days helps. Not gonna lie, that took some practice and some days I have sat and looked at the loaded gun in my lap for HOURS. But in the end, all I could see was my children. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. It just is.

As a mother would it be less traumatic if your child was older like in their 40s?

As a mother I can tell you no matter what my age I would be gutted. What you are describing (but in reverse) is why I am still here. I can't bring myself to do this to my children. Those who love us (especially mothers, fathers and their children) is a bond that is indescribable. At least to my mind.

I will understand completely if you feel like you cannot stay until your mother passes, though. It is no easy feat, some days. I find just taking each day as it comes and not thinking one second ahead on the bad days helps. Not gonna lie, that took some practice and some days I have sat and looked at the loaded gun in my lap for HOURS. But in the end, all I could see was my children. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. It just is.

I feel you it's like being trapped and one of the reasons I don't want to have children. My mind is unbearable but what's stopping me is having my mother feel the same way every morning. She's low income and will have to work after the trauma so that depresses me. I've thought about prepaying my funeral and working for a year to leave her some money for a year to grief. I think working while traumatized is the worst feeling in the world.

 

[CatLvr]

As a mother would it be less traumatic if your child was older like in their 40s?

Actually my children are in their late 30s, early 40s and no, I don't think it would make it any easier. At that age, I would spend every day wondering what I didn't do that I could have to help them. What I missed that I shouldn't have. If I'm being completely honest it wouldn't be too long after them leaving this world before I would join them. I guess that old saying about parents not supposed to outlive their children has a basis to it.

 

[Pryras]

Actually my children are in their late 30s, early 40s and no, I don't think it would make it any easier. At that age, I would spend every day wondering what I didn't do that I could have to help them. What I missed that I shouldn't have. If I'm being completely honest it wouldn't be too long after them leaving this world before I would join them. I guess that old saying about parents not supposed to outlive their children has a basis to it.

Forgive me for asking this, but would you still consider staying around for your other children? I have a twin sister that i would hope give my mother a purpose and reason to stay despite her grief.

 

[CatLvr]

Forgive me for asking this, but would you still consider staying around for your other children? I have a twin sister that i would hope give my mother a purpose and reason to stay despite her grief.

No problem. Yes, yes I would. You are probably right -- your sister could likely give your mom much comfort, but, as a mom I can tell you that the loss of any of my children to suicide would have me wracked with guilt for the rest of my life. I would forever feel like I had missed something, or didn't do something I should have or did something I shouldn't have. I'm truly not trying to guilt you into doing anything you don't want to, and at the end of the day certainly respect your right to choose whether to stay or go, but I felt I would be remiss if I didn't tell you how a mother who loves her children would feel.

I hate that you are in this position. You are obviously a kind person and life can be so unfair. You do not deserve to be in this position. Please know that even if you decide to go ahead and ctb, I do fully support your choice to do so. I would NEVER ask one of my children to suffer like you have. I would rather bear that burden myself. How's THAT for a juxtaposition?? And if I'm honest, and your mom loves you like I suspect she does, she would tell you the same thing. She would not want you to go, but she would not want you to suffer like you are, either. It's a horrible position for both of you to find yourselves in. Would it be possible for you to talk to her about this, or would that not work?? I realize that my one child and I have an unusual relationship in that we are both pretty pragmatic about things like suffering and death. Most people are not like us, unfortunately.

 

[Sooverit]

I don't believe it will make a difference if she is 30, 80 or 100.
I watched my grandma grieve at 2 of her children's deaths, both cancer, I can't remember her age but they were far apart.
She had stated no mother should outlive her child.
She herself lived to be 96.
I have known 5 people who have left this world on their own. There will always be someone who will never get over the pain.
My parents are both gone. I still have my 4 children, 4 grandchildren and now a great granddaughter, but still feel that I am done and ready to move on.
I understand what you are questioning, I think the same all the time.
My thoughts are, it will be hard but if it is at my decision it will he harder. I fear from watching the family of the last person I know to leave on their own, that everyone will believe it was due to something they did, not that I am tired of suffering.
Not sure if any of that made sense.

 

[sos]

might be more easy for 50s to get over it (although they will never get 100% over it) than someone in their 80s

some of the 80s people are alone in a retirement home, if they are no longer able to see that one family member, it ll hurt even more

 

[painfree]

The only difference it would have for my parents is they've become more clingy with age (mid 70') so as another said, at 50 I am still the baby. Harder for them. But I've also witnessed their response to extended family suicides and heart wrenching. I said 'suicide' in a sentence once in error, she looked horrified. But I also can torture myself with endless suffering. I went 3 days straight with horrible pain and nothing to take. Can't walk, lay down, watch tv, read 5min at a time, can't sleep (feel in my sleep) talk. So my choice is for me.

 

[Pryras]

The only difference it would have for my parents is they've become more clingy with age (mid 70') so as another said, at 50 I am still the baby. Harder for them. But I've also witnessed their response to extended family suicides and heart wrenching. I said 'suicide' in a sentence once in error, she looked horrified. But I also can torture myself with endless suffering. I went 3 days straight with horrible pain and nothing to take. Can't walk, lay down, watch tv, read 5min at a time, can't sleep (feel in my sleep) talk. So my choice is for me.

How long did it take them to resume a normal life after the news of their extended relatives suicides?

 

[painfree]

My dad (ON) lived far from his brother (NL) who died (shotgun). The first year he was irate, blamed everyone then torn blaming himself. He started to mellow after a yr or two.
My mother (ON) was long distance best friends with her sister (Texas) who lost her son (hanging), she found him. She lost a second one to a heart attack a few years later. My mother adored them, but there were no words she could offer for that. she constantly told us she couldn't imagine one of us.
Losing a child is one thing but anyone to suicide leaves guilt, confusion and anger. I think the survivors live on with a blank stare about it. Because they can't explain.
That's why I'm at least leaving a note.

 

[PhDone]

Well my mum is already that old but she knows I'm seriously ill and dont want to live out a life of crippling debilitation. She doesnt know I'm already done though. So how does that shift things?

If my illness were terminal I'd be dying. It should bloody well be terminal, its worse, much worse, that its not. So where is the guilt for her? She couldnt save me and I wouldnt want her to. She knows I hate my non-life. But she's from an era where compassionate endings are anti-religion.

Is it harder or easier for her in her twilight years? Less time to be in pain, less life to recover happiness, maybe she'd pine away, give up? Maybe if this were earlier and she couldnt get over it she'd just live decades in her own torment. Maybe older she'll be "ah well I'm outta here soon any way". I do know she's lived her life and has nothing she feels left to do. She just doesnt want to see her kids in pain. But I already am. Why cant society support people out of their suffering?

I dont get why we cant choose to exit without all this bs. Yes its sad, it sucks, you wish you could do something. But we cant save people from death by terminal cancer either. Why do those people get to ride out of here guilt free? One way or another we are in serious life threatening pain and suffering. Thats the sad bit, not the exit.