Does anyone else feel like their life isn't hard enough to be struggling this bad?

[etherealgoddess]

I dealt with a ton of emotional abuse, but it's almost like I feel like it's not true? Does anyone get what I mean? I will have titles for my paragraph, so you don't have to be intimidated by fat paragraphs.

My parents' behaviors:

My story: I was yelled at multiple times a day, every day, for probably a bit over 10 years. Imagine someone screaming at you from a foot away in your face because you forget where you put your notebook. For any small mistake I made, I was screamed at by my mom like a lunatic. I was constantly stressed about going home, and I had no escape from her. My dad, on the other hand, never participated in emotionally parenting me. I sometimes wish he could have stood up for his children. Following my suicide attempt, instead of offering comfort and love, he threatened to let me die if I tried again. He maybe has talked to me twice just this year, but we live in the same house. He never cares about what I have to say or my opinions. He only talks to me when he is excited about a new space topic. He talks about it for an hour and then ignores me when I want to discuss my interests. He had no idea what was going on when I was in school or who my friends were.


What this caused:

In this very stressful environment, I used to come home from school and really struggle to think or concentrate. I could not study for tests and could not do my homework because my mom would be constantly shouting at me or my brother for something. In psychology, when you're highly stressed, your survival instinct takes over and your logical thinking shuts down. At that point, it was impossible for me to study or do homework. When the school year began, I was able to focus on my homework and studying. However, the constant yelling started to take a toll on me, and I could feel the stress building up inside me. This was a pattern that happened every year. By the time school had reached the two- or three-month mark, I could feel myself collapsing. I was constantly having so much anxiety that I could not do anything but just tank my emotions. I always thought something was just wrong with me. The anxiety of not doing well in school when I was having bad performance made me feel even more anxious, and the yelling would never stop.


Realizing my situation was bad:

As I got older and got a boyfriend for the first time at 14, that was when I was able to see the stark difference between my family and other families. That's when I realized my situation was not normal. It finally gave me the relief to finally validate myself, but it pushed me into a depression. I think the delusion that my family was normal was what kept me going, but when I realized it was not normal and was begging my mom to stop, I think being aware of the abuse I was in made the abuse that much more hurtful. I have memories of writing in my diary about how I could feel myself becoming suicidal because of my mom's yelling because it was nonstop. My ability to function was already very limited due to extreme stress. Now that I was finally reflecting on my situation, my executive functioning was gone. I was not studying unless it was full adrenaline, doing all of my homework in 2 hours before school would start. I could not use my logical brain unless I was in extreme stress. But because I was constantly under stress, I couldn't just do my homework normally like other kids.


My perspective right now:

I have been reading a lot of research studies, and it's very clear that childhood trauma, especially emotional abuse, is related to a number of adverse effects. It relates to poor executive function, poor self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and even on a structural brain level. I did get hit a couple of times as a child very hard, but I wouldn't label myself as physically abused because it was so rare. It maybe happened 10 times in my life. However, I do want to say that technically we have brain plasticity: think about how plastic can be molded in just about everything. Our brains work similarly. However, spending 10 years in emotional abuse is going to take a lot of wiring, and I'm on this website. It's pretty obvious what I want to do, but I also know I don't have the will to kill myself.

However, there's a part of me that's just.... it believes that it was my fault for not being a good kid. For some reason, I can't emotionally believe that I was so psychologically abused. I just can't... believe it? I can't really sit with myself and validate my feelings? I just look at my executive functioning and hate myself. I can't get myself to do anything. Doing my laundry or brushing my teeth is a big deal. It's even ruined my teeth. My enamel is crazy eroded. I used to have white teeth, and now my teeth have that greyish-looking outline because they're slightly translucent and look tainted yellow. Now, it's definitely mild, but I'm literally a young adult, and these teeth are supposed to apparently last for decades...

I wonder if any of you guys have similar experiences? Like, not believing your situation's severity relates to how badly it affected you? I almost feel like emotional abuse is 10x worse because it seems so easy to invalidate and be like, "I got yelled at a few times, it's not a big deal." But those people have never dealt with how it feels when your mom's only communication with you when she needs to correct you is screaming at you instead of being a sane person and trying to help your child to help your child find a strategy or do a parenting strategy or SOMETHING.

 

[Burnout_Wizard]

I can relate your experience growing up. My parents were very similar to yours. I remember being completely unable to focus or relax until I moved a state away for college. I suffer from similar levels of executive dysfunction; feels like I can only do work last minute and I've been ignoring health check ups. Distance and time from my parents has allowed things to improve steadily. Though, most of the progress I make mentally and emotionally gets reset when I have to be around my parents for more than a few days; every couple of months. When I try to bring up their abuse of me they deflect by saying they didn't know better and that I had complete control over my life, and part of me buys into their excuses everytime. Its taken me 5 years since college to realize just how emotionally stunted I've been.

 

[etherealgoddess]

I can relate your experience growing up. My parents were very similar to yours. I remember being completely unable to focus or relax until I moved a state away for college. I suffer from similar levels of executive dysfunction; feels like I can only do work last minute and I've been ignoring health check ups. Distance and time from my parents has allowed things to improve steadily. Though, most of the progress I make mentally and emotionally gets reset when I have to be around my parents for more than a few days; every couple of months. When I try to bring up their abuse of me they deflect by saying they didn't know better and that I had complete control over my life, and part of me buys into their excuses everytime. Its taken me 5 years since college to realize just how emotionally stunted I've been.

Wow, I'm just wondering like... your username is Burnout_Wizard. Have you been dealing with a lot of burnout? I was wondering because that's like... the biggest problem for me. I'm doing college and have been going through a huge depressive phase. It's been the same thing for years. Do well for maybe a few months and then be depressed and anxious for the rest of the year just barely surviving and now instead of just that, I'm fully dropping off. I'm not giving up on college (thank god it's online and self-paced lol), but it feels so depressing to know that basic things that other people can do, I can't.

I just had a thought: I think this might be because--OMG I think this could be a very valid explanation (LOL I'm just typing as I think). Think about this: if we got yelled at for every single mistake CONSTANTLY as a child, it's probably wired in us to go into extreme fight/flight/freeze mode when we do make a mistake. THE WAY WE CAN FIX IT IS BY USING RELAXING TECHNIQUES AFTER WE MAKE A MISTAKE TO TRY AND REWIRE OUR SYSTEM. Oh my gosh, did that ring a bell for you? Because I know sure it did for me! Let me explain: our brains love associations. We learn that way subconsciously and consciously. Our brain ends up associating that a small little mistake is very, very dangerous because you had to deal with a very unpleasant threat of getting screamed at. So, when we end up doing a small mistake or maybe just a normal mistake that's disappointing, I'm pretty sure both of us FREAK OUT because our brain is literally wired like that. So, what we should do is to try and rewire our system and catch when we notice we're making a mistake, using emotional soothing techniques, and then try to remind ourselves that we're safe. I just had that epiphany out of nowhere.

 

[Pluto]

My childhood abuse was 99% emotional abuse. In my case, not even shouting; just constant mockery, bullying and degrading treatment. This was followed up by a cover-up on the part of the family and a false narrative about me being born retarded; that had the effect of making it a hundred times worse as I was forced to cut off all contact with the entire family and try and function alone.

It took me a long time to get diagnosed, but I have C-PTSD and you probably do too. It is considered a workable condition with a lot of effort, but there are no quick fixes.

The main thing I can say is that it is very hard to compare. I had a friend who went through a civil war and molestation in childhood, and she ended up far more functional than me even though my bullying seems trivial by comparison. But upon closer inspection, she had a caring mother, had intuitive abilities, high energy levels and was able to form deep connections with others.

Having validation is as important as a proper diagnosis. I wish I'd had this when I was your age, as I might not still be on the brink all these years later.

 

[Burnout_Wizard]

Wow, I'm just wondering like... your username is Burnout_Wizard. Have you been dealing with a lot of burnout? I was wondering because that's like... the biggest problem for me. I'm doing college and have been going through a huge depressive phase. It's been the same thing for years. Do well for maybe a few months and then be depressed and anxious for the rest of the year just barely surviving and now instead of just that, I'm fully dropping off. I'm not giving up on college (thank god it's online and self-paced lol), but it feels so depressing to know that basic things that other people can do, I can't.

I just had a thought: I think this might be because--OMG I think this could be a very valid explanation (LOL I'm just typing as I think). Think about this: if we got yelled at for every single mistake CONSTANTLY as a child, it's probably wired in us to go into extreme fight/flight/freeze mode when we do make a mistake. THE WAY WE CAN FIX IT IS BY USING RELAXING TECHNIQUES AFTER WE MAKE A MISTAKE TO TRY AND REWIRE OUR SYSTEM. Oh my gosh, did that ring a bell for you? Because I know sure it did for me! Let me explain: our brains love associations. We learn that way subconsciously and consciously. Our brain ends up associating that a small little mistake is very, very dangerous because you had to deal with a very unpleasant threat of getting screamed at. So, when we end up doing a small mistake or maybe just a normal mistake that's disappointing, I'm pretty sure both of us FREAK OUT because our brain is literally wired like that. So, what we should do is to try and rewire our system and catch when we notice we're making a mistake, using emotional soothing techniques, and then try to remind ourselves that we're safe. I just had that epiphany out of nowhere.

More like one big burnout (also reference to a ttrpg, Burnout Reaper). TL;DR, last year of college wrecked my mental and physical health between struggling with classes, having an identity crisis, losing a longtime friend group, and being ashamed of reaching out for help or to quit. Graduated, barely, as an empty sleepless husk without meaning to their life. Spent the next 5 years as a NEET. Take it from me, for what its worth, you'll definitely be learning more in a self-paced course vs. me rushing through my degree. I don't remember anything from most classes at this point.

I hear the bell chiming, the theory tracks for me. I've always focused on try to get past the freak out stage as fast a possible, but re-learning how to respond to mistakes definitely sound better for the long term for us. Worth the effort to try, it'll save on some sleepless night (today's one of em).

 

[BrainShower]

My childhood abuse was 99% emotional abuse. In my case, not even shouting; just constant mockery, bullying and degrading treatment. This was followed up by a cover-up on the part of the family and a false narrative about me being born retarded; that had the effect of making it a hundred times worse as I was forced to cut off all contact with the entire family and try and function alone.

It took me a long time to get diagnosed, but I have C-PTSD and you probably do too. It is considered a workable condition with a lot of effort, but there are no quick fixes.

The main thing I can say is that it is very hard to compare. I had a friend who went through a civil war and molestation in childhood, and she ended up far more functional than me even though my bullying seems trivial by comparison. But upon closer inspection, she had a caring mother, had intuitive abilities, high energy levels and was able to form deep connections with others.

Having validation is as important as a proper diagnosis. I wish I'd had this when I was your age, as I might not still be on the brink all these years later.

You are certainly not retarded...
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
I'm angry on your behalf right now.

 

[melancholymallory03]

I dealt with a ton of emotional abuse, but it's almost like I feel like it's not true? Does anyone get what I mean? I will have titles for my paragraph, so you don't have to be intimidated by fat paragraphs.

My parents' behaviors:

My story: I was yelled at multiple times a day, every day, for probably a bit over 10 years. Imagine someone screaming at you from a foot away in your face because you forget where you put your notebook. For any small mistake I made, I was screamed at by my mom like a lunatic. I was constantly stressed about going home, and I had no escape from her. My dad, on the other hand, never participated in emotionally parenting me. I sometimes wish he could have stood up for his children. Following my suicide attempt, instead of offering comfort and love, he threatened to let me die if I tried again. He maybe has talked to me twice just this year, but we live in the same house. He never cares about what I have to say or my opinions. He only talks to me when he is excited about a new space topic. He talks about it for an hour and then ignores me when I want to discuss my interests. He had no idea what was going on when I was in school or who my friends were.


What this caused:

In this very stressful environment, I used to come home from school and really struggle to think or concentrate. I could not study for tests and could not do my homework because my mom would be constantly shouting at me or my brother for something. In psychology, when you're highly stressed, your survival instinct takes over and your logical thinking shuts down. At that point, it was impossible for me to study or do homework. When the school year began, I was able to focus on my homework and studying. However, the constant yelling started to take a toll on me, and I could feel the stress building up inside me. This was a pattern that happened every year. By the time school had reached the two- or three-month mark, I could feel myself collapsing. I was constantly having so much anxiety that I could not do anything but just tank my emotions. I always thought something was just wrong with me. The anxiety of not doing well in school when I was having bad performance made me feel even more anxious, and the yelling would never stop.


Realizing my situation was bad:

As I got older and got a boyfriend for the first time at 14, that was when I was able to see the stark difference between my family and other families. That's when I realized my situation was not normal. It finally gave me the relief to finally validate myself, but it pushed me into a depression. I think the delusion that my family was normal was what kept me going, but when I realized it was not normal and was begging my mom to stop, I think being aware of the abuse I was in made the abuse that much more hurtful. I have memories of writing in my diary about how I could feel myself becoming suicidal because of my mom's yelling because it was nonstop. My ability to function was already very limited due to extreme stress. Now that I was finally reflecting on my situation, my executive functioning was gone. I was not studying unless it was full adrenaline, doing all of my homework in 2 hours before school would start. I could not use my logical brain unless I was in extreme stress. But because I was constantly under stress, I couldn't just do my homework normally like other kids.


My perspective right now:

I have been reading a lot of research studies, and it's very clear that childhood trauma, especially emotional abuse, is related to a number of adverse effects. It relates to poor executive function, poor self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and even on a structural brain level. I did get hit a couple of times as a child very hard, but I wouldn't label myself as physically abused because it was so rare. It maybe happened 10 times in my life. However, I do want to say that technically we have brain plasticity: think about how plastic can be molded in just about everything. Our brains work similarly. However, spending 10 years in emotional abuse is going to take a lot of wiring, and I'm on this website. It's pretty obvious what I want to do, but I also know I don't have the will to kill myself.

However, there's a part of me that's just.... it believes that it was my fault for not being a good kid. For some reason, I can't emotionally believe that I was so psychologically abused. I just can't... believe it? I can't really sit with myself and validate my feelings? I just look at my executive functioning and hate myself. I can't get myself to do anything. Doing my laundry or brushing my teeth is a big deal. It's even ruined my teeth. My enamel is crazy eroded. I used to have white teeth, and now my teeth have that greyish-looking outline because they're slightly translucent and look tainted yellow. Now, it's definitely mild, but I'm literally a young adult, and these teeth are supposed to apparently last for decades...

I wonder if any of you guys have similar experiences? Like, not believing your situation's severity relates to how badly it affected you? I almost feel like emotional abuse is 10x worse because it seems so easy to invalidate and be like, "I got yelled at a few times, it's not a big deal." But those people have never dealt with how it feels when your mom's only communication with you when she needs to correct you is screaming at you instead of being a sane person and trying to help your child to help your child find a strategy or do a parenting strategy or SOMETHING.

I dealt with a ton of emotional abuse, but it's almost like I feel like it's not true? Does anyone get what I mean? I will have titles for my paragraph, so you don't have to be intimidated by fat paragraphs.

My parents' behaviors:

My story: I was yelled at multiple times a day, every day, for probably a bit over 10 years. Imagine someone screaming at you from a foot away in your face because you forget where you put your notebook. For any small mistake I made, I was screamed at by my mom like a lunatic. I was constantly stressed about going home, and I had no escape from her. My dad, on the other hand, never participated in emotionally parenting me. I sometimes wish he could have stood up for his children. Following my suicide attempt, instead of offering comfort and love, he threatened to let me die if I tried again. He maybe has talked to me twice just this year, but we live in the same house. He never cares about what I have to say or my opinions. He only talks to me when he is excited about a new space topic. He talks about it for an hour and then ignores me when I want to discuss my interests. He had no idea what was going on when I was in school or who my friends were.


What this caused:

In this very stressful environment, I used to come home from school and really struggle to think or concentrate. I could not study for tests and could not do my homework because my mom would be constantly shouting at me or my brother for something. In psychology, when you're highly stressed, your survival instinct takes over and your logical thinking shuts down. At that point, it was impossible for me to study or do homework. When the school year began, I was able to focus on my homework and studying. However, the constant yelling started to take a toll on me, and I could feel the stress building up inside me. This was a pattern that happened every year. By the time school had reached the two- or three-month mark, I could feel myself collapsing. I was constantly having so much anxiety that I could not do anything but just tank my emotions. I always thought something was just wrong with me. The anxiety of not doing well in school when I was having bad performance made me feel even more anxious, and the yelling would never stop.


Realizing my situation was bad:

As I got older and got a boyfriend for the first time at 14, that was when I was able to see the stark difference between my family and other families. That's when I realized my situation was not normal. It finally gave me the relief to finally validate myself, but it pushed me into a depression. I think the delusion that my family was normal was what kept me going, but when I realized it was not normal and was begging my mom to stop, I think being aware of the abuse I was in made the abuse that much more hurtful. I have memories of writing in my diary about how I could feel myself becoming suicidal because of my mom's yelling because it was nonstop. My ability to function was already very limited due to extreme stress. Now that I was finally reflecting on my situation, my executive functioning was gone. I was not studying unless it was full adrenaline, doing all of my homework in 2 hours before school would start. I could not use my logical brain unless I was in extreme stress. But because I was constantly under stress, I couldn't just do my homework normally like other kids.


My perspective right now:

I have been reading a lot of research studies, and it's very clear that childhood trauma, especially emotional abuse, is related to a number of adverse effects. It relates to poor executive function, poor self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and even on a structural brain level. I did get hit a couple of times as a child very hard, but I wouldn't label myself as physically abused because it was so rare. It maybe happened 10 times in my life. However, I do want to say that technically we have brain plasticity: think about how plastic can be molded in just about everything. Our brains work similarly. However, spending 10 years in emotional abuse is going to take a lot of wiring, and I'm on this website. It's pretty obvious what I want to do, but I also know I don't have the will to kill myself.

However, there's a part of me that's just.... it believes that it was my fault for not being a good kid. For some reason, I can't emotionally believe that I was so psychologically abused. I just can't... believe it? I can't really sit with myself and validate my feelings? I just look at my executive functioning and hate myself. I can't get myself to do anything. Doing my laundry or brushing my teeth is a big deal. It's even ruined my teeth. My enamel is crazy eroded. I used to have white teeth, and now my teeth have that greyish-looking outline because they're slightly translucent and look tainted yellow. Now, it's definitely mild, but I'm literally a young adult, and these teeth are supposed to apparently last for decades...

I wonder if any of you guys have similar experiences? Like, not believing your situation's severity relates to how badly it affected you? I almost feel like emotional abuse is 10x worse because it seems so easy to invalidate and be like, "I got yelled at a few times, it's not a big deal." But those people have never dealt with how it feels when your mom's only communication with you when she needs to correct you is screaming at you instead of being a sane person and trying to help your child to help your child find a strategy or do a parenting strategy or SOMETHING.

Your sadness is valid and it seems like what you've been through and around in your environment has led up to all of this. I hope you find the peace you are looking 4…..

I too hate when people make it a competition. It's one thing to accept one's privilege, and admirable. but to argue back and forth about who is more mentally ill…. This is so damaging for all parties involved. We are all facing this wretched human condition , we are all stuck here. Unless…….
Trauma can be so many things, such as as chronic feelings of feeling unheard , unseen and misunderstood by parents. Oitcasted or black sheeped. In a world full of nastiness I'm sure it's easy to feel guilt , this is also a symptom of depression I face. Deep , unwaveringly guilt.not to mention the personality splitting that's super confusing. Trauma can have so many affects, you are valid. You are suffering and it's just as reasonable as the next person suffering ~_~

 

[locked*n*loaded]

No, not really. I feel that everyone's own hell is the one that they have to live with. I know lots of people have it worse than me, though. But, I don't feel guilty about my suffering. It is what it is. I've had lots of death in my family, relationship failures, disappointment after disappointment, a lot of failures, not a lot of happiness, etc. Just not as great of a life as I would have liked. I feel like I've been cheated out of a lot of the good things in life. Over time, it all began to take it's toll. So, no, I feel like my life was hard enough for me and I've done more than my fair share of suffering. But, that's the thing about suffering - there seems to be plenty of it to go around.

 

[fleshgarden]

I'm very sorry you had to deal with this. yes I definitely relate to your situation. as a child I was emotionally/physically/sexually abused, all to varying degrees.. if my dad wasn't hitting and yelling at my mom, he was yelling and sometimes hitting me. he would yell a lot. I used to be called a lot of names and told I was useless. ( the rest of this paragraph is about sa(? also related to this thread I've never felt comfortable with it being called abuse) skip this part if you want, I think it's important so I'm saying it. ) I was also taken advantage of by his brother multiple times when I was very young, although I don't know what actually happened or how many times it did.. after that I became very hyper sexual from a young age and at age 6, whenever I got access to the internet and webcams I would let myself get taken advantage of online for very many years. I'm very very ashamed of it and I still feel disgusting but since this is a trauma thread maybe it'll help someone.
despite how it sounds on paper, I'm never sure if it really was bad enough to make me the way I am now, especially since I've dissociated away from a lot of my life, so it's like I am living life dysfunctionally without anything happening to me. I've been suicidal since I was 9 and I figured out what suicide was. ever since then I feel like I've slowly devolved into a shell. I seriously can't think of any moments in the past years where I wasn't dissociating, I barely have any thoughts. It is hard for me to do things or move. this is also because I'm autistic, but it's extremely hard to live through with all of my trauma and constant stressors. I physically am unable to move because I'm shutting down a lot of the time. it makes me feel useless. I cut off my friends multiple times a month due to my agonizing social anxiety from all of the yelling for my mistakes. I'm constantly pushed back into a state of fear . not to mention a Lot of issues with my body. I feel completely dysfunctional and abstract by this point (I also feel like I have some sort of thought disorder because I feel so scrambled up and can't form words a lot of times.. I don't even know how to describe that feeling). and most of all I do not feel like I am alive or was ever alive. it must be obvious my reasons for wanting to cut now .. I do think my trauma made me a literal shell of a person. sorry if I've talked too much. I like to think about it, and explain myself .. it's hard to express things, but I hope this helps(?) is it even helpful.. I don't know how to post here anymore.

 

[yearsoflonliness]

I don't feel like it's not 'hard enough' to be struggling. I feel the opposite. That the abuse I had to endure is the reason why I struggle so much today. It makes me angry at the person that inflicted that abuse.

But unfortunately our stories are similar. I too, 'realized' how things in my family were not normal. Instead of having a girlfriend, it was when I started public high school. Previously I was homeschooled. What a shock. I was literally frozen that first day of school. I didn't know how to act or what to do. I was told public school would be terrifying and that I'd be bullied endlessly. That other people would be mean and cruel. That those kids would 'taint' and 'ruin' me. I found the exact opposite. I could focus at school and do ok there, but not at home, where I too would get yelled at. I almost died once too, because I was afraid to speak up and get 'yelled at'. It was insane.

Unfortunately school did become hell for me anyways, for other reasons. But for that first year or 2 is was sure better than home.

I don't believe it was my fault for not being a good kid. But I sure as heck do believe it's all my fault for being the useless adult I'd hoped and dreamed I would never end up as today.

 

[SoulCage]

Totally feel like I am a fraud here. I am so overwhelmed, everything gives me anxiety. I can't talk to my family anymore because I feel so much shame.
But my past? Objectively, it wasn't so bad.
Sure, my father left us and my mother had to take care of 2 kids. Therefore she was most of the time working or too fatigued and therefore very distant. I think school damaged me the most. Constantly reminded to perform good so that I have a "good" future. I felt pressured to get better grades and failing felt like making a life mistake. Not studying or taking a break felt like ruining my life. And I had the same attitude later in my working life, I was constantly afraid of making mistakes. Feeling shame that I don't perform as good as others. Shame that I can't keep up like everyone else. Everyone else can endure working for a living so it's expected that I can do too.
I can't do this rat race anymore. I am so tired.
But it doesn't feel justified. It's something everyone has to do and it's my own fault that I can't cope with it. My life isn't hard. I am such a fraud.

 

[Ash]

I dealt with a ton of emotional abuse, but it's almost like I feel like it's not true? Does anyone get what I mean? I will have titles for my paragraph, so you don't have to be intimidated by fat paragraphs.

My parents' behaviors:

My story: I was yelled at multiple times a day, every day, for probably a bit over 10 years. Imagine someone screaming at you from a foot away in your face because you forget where you put your notebook. For any small mistake I made, I was screamed at by my mom like a lunatic. I was constantly stressed about going home, and I had no escape from her. My dad, on the other hand, never participated in emotionally parenting me. I sometimes wish he could have stood up for his children. Following my suicide attempt, instead of offering comfort and love, he threatened to let me die if I tried again. He maybe has talked to me twice just this year, but we live in the same house. He never cares about what I have to say or my opinions. He only talks to me when he is excited about a new space topic. He talks about it for an hour and then ignores me when I want to discuss my interests. He had no idea what was going on when I was in school or who my friends were.


What this caused:

In this very stressful environment, I used to come home from school and really struggle to think or concentrate. I could not study for tests and could not do my homework because my mom would be constantly shouting at me or my brother for something. In psychology, when you're highly stressed, your survival instinct takes over and your logical thinking shuts down. At that point, it was impossible for me to study or do homework. When the school year began, I was able to focus on my homework and studying. However, the constant yelling started to take a toll on me, and I could feel the stress building up inside me. This was a pattern that happened every year. By the time school had reached the two- or three-month mark, I could feel myself collapsing. I was constantly having so much anxiety that I could not do anything but just tank my emotions. I always thought something was just wrong with me. The anxiety of not doing well in school when I was having bad performance made me feel even more anxious, and the yelling would never stop.


Realizing my situation was bad:

As I got older and got a boyfriend for the first time at 14, that was when I was able to see the stark difference between my family and other families. That's when I realized my situation was not normal. It finally gave me the relief to finally validate myself, but it pushed me into a depression. I think the delusion that my family was normal was what kept me going, but when I realized it was not normal and was begging my mom to stop, I think being aware of the abuse I was in made the abuse that much more hurtful. I have memories of writing in my diary about how I could feel myself becoming suicidal because of my mom's yelling because it was nonstop. My ability to function was already very limited due to extreme stress. Now that I was finally reflecting on my situation, my executive functioning was gone. I was not studying unless it was full adrenaline, doing all of my homework in 2 hours before school would start. I could not use my logical brain unless I was in extreme stress. But because I was constantly under stress, I couldn't just do my homework normally like other kids.


My perspective right now:

I have been reading a lot of research studies, and it's very clear that childhood trauma, especially emotional abuse, is related to a number of adverse effects. It relates to poor executive function, poor self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and even on a structural brain level. I did get hit a couple of times as a child very hard, but I wouldn't label myself as physically abused because it was so rare. It maybe happened 10 times in my life. However, I do want to say that technically we have brain plasticity: think about how plastic can be molded in just about everything. Our brains work similarly. However, spending 10 years in emotional abuse is going to take a lot of wiring, and I'm on this website. It's pretty obvious what I want to do, but I also know I don't have the will to kill myself.

However, there's a part of me that's just.... it believes that it was my fault for not being a good kid. For some reason, I can't emotionally believe that I was so psychologically abused. I just can't... believe it? I can't really sit with myself and validate my feelings? I just look at my executive functioning and hate myself. I can't get myself to do anything. Doing my laundry or brushing my teeth is a big deal. It's even ruined my teeth. My enamel is crazy eroded. I used to have white teeth, and now my teeth have that greyish-looking outline because they're slightly translucent and look tainted yellow. Now, it's definitely mild, but I'm literally a young adult, and these teeth are supposed to apparently last for decades...

I wonder if any of you guys have similar experiences? Like, not believing your situation's severity relates to how badly it affected you? I almost feel like emotional abuse is 10x worse because it seems so easy to invalidate and be like, "I got yelled at a few times, it's not a big deal." But those people have never dealt with how it feels when your mom's only communication with you when she needs to correct you is screaming at you instead of being a sane person and trying to help your child to help your child find a strategy or do a parenting strategy or SOMETHING.

It's like you're describing me. But it does have an impact and your feelings today are valid. (Now if only I could convince myself of this.)

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, my life is hard enough and will always be even when I'm dead. I got emotional abused too and I'll still think that my life is hard enough

 

[vampire2002]

I think this happens a lot no matter what kind of abuse you suffer. It's still real, it's still painful. I often feel this way about being sexually abused as a child because I compare my situation to more extreme and horrible cases. But mine was still very very bad, I know. It was still terrible, it still was assault. I was beaten as a kid as well, but feel it wasn't "that bad" and I shouldn't be so upset by it because my little brother got more physical abuse than me and seems less as affected by it. Emotional abuse, everyone around me also likes to pretend it didn't happen either and I was overdramatic about it too. But of course you can always find someone who's been through "worse" than you, and it's a matter of perspective as well. I often wish it would've been worse or that I could get severely abused again so I feel I have more of a reason to turn out this seriously screwed up. I think it's hard to be logical with yourself about something like this. Even if it obviously had to have been bad enough to end up like this, because well... You're like this.

 

[Eudaimonic]

No. I have suffered a lot, though much of it is my fault, which only adds to my regret and self-loathing :(
Moreover, everyone reacts differently to their circumstances.
No one has the same environment, genetics, or gene-environment interplay.
People's physical and mental pain sensitivity varies.