Does anyone else feel like there is no one else in the world who is anything like them?

[Unbelonging]

This is a big part of the reason that I want to ctb. I just feel like an alien or some other species who is trying to pretend to be human, and the species I am from has a completely different brain structure and everything. I just don't experience life and perceive the world the same way everyone else does. I don't even know how to describe it. It is like describing sight to a blind person or sound to a deaf person. No matter how descriptively and vividly you describe it, you can't describe something like that to someone who doesn't have it in their brain. But I will try my best.

Ever since I can remember, every single person I have ever met has found me strange. When I was a kid, it was extremely common for me to just be walking on the street when complete strangers would approach me and ask me if I was okay. My teachers reported me to the school counseling office throughout my childhood because they wanted to know why I was the way I was. Some people I met have been very worried for me because of the way I am. One example of this is a soccer coach who was teaching me and a group of other kids, and the way I acted worried him so much that he left the field in the middle of the lesson and shouted for my mom in the parking lot to tell her about how I was acting and ask her about me. Incidents like this have happened my entire life and if you met everyone that knew me and asked them to describe me, one thing that I am sure they would all say is, "I have never met anyone like her before, in all my life". That is what many people say about me.

My entire life, I have never made one friend, not even as a kid. I was very quiet outside the house, and still am. At home, I would have to put on a front and act loud and enthusiastic because if I didn't, I'd be punished for "sulking", but my family often saw through this front I put on. The closest thing to a friend I ever had was when my mom would talk to other kids' moms and convince them to tell their kids to befriend me, or when a classmate would talk to me because they pitied me. This has only happened a few times in my life, mostly in elementary school, and each time, these "friendships" only lasted a few months at most, with both me and the other person knowing the entire time that they did not truly like me and they were only interacting with me because they felt obligated to.

I hate being so different from other people and being unable to connect with them, and I have looked for possible causes of this online and read about various mental disorders such as antisocial personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder, autism, etc., and nothing explains who I am. I do think I have borderline personality disorder, due to my risk-taking behaviors, extreme mood swings, and the way someone immediately becomes my "favorite person" after they simply treat me like a human, and the way I obsess about them and cry over them for months or years afterward. I also think I may have some kind of dissociative disorder, because of persistent feelings of disconnection from the world that I have had my entire life, but I have never tried to get a formal diagnosis for either of these disorders.

But these disorders only explain a part of what is wrong with me, and they don't explain the biggest problem I have - that I am extremely different from other people. I feel like if there is a disorder behind this, I am the only one in the world with it. I truly believe that there is no one who was ever born in the past, no one alive today, and no one who will ever live who will be anything like me. I know how many people that encompasses and I still completely believe it and think it is a very realistic estimate.

I feel so isolated from the world and I don't think I will ever be able to connect with anyone. It is like I'm walking by a house on a cold snowy night and I can see everyone partying and having fun through a window, but I will never be able to open the door and come in and enjoy the party with them, and I am just left outside freezing in the darkness, all by myself. Even when two people are completely different - even when they come from very different backgrounds, cultures, or are parts of different generations - they are still mentally connected on a very basic level, and everyone has this basic connection inbuilt in them by default, because they are human. I don't have this connection in my brain and I can't connect with anyone. I don't mean that in a psychopathic way. I love many people and care for them, but I just can't feel connected to them because it's like I am not even from the same species.

When I was little, I used to fantasize that aliens sent me to Earth in the body of a human and that they would take me from Earth one day, and I would be sent back to the alien planet that I was originally from, and I would finally feel at home. I do not feel at home anywhere. Now that I've grown older, I can't rely on these silly fantasies anymore. I am not a special alien sent to the Earth with an important purpose. I am just defective and I will always be this way, and I will never be sent back home, because I don't have any home. I will always feel completely out of place and alone, no matter who I meet or where I go, and it won't change.

I have always had this feeling and it will last for the rest of my life. While I have learned to deal with it better than I dealt with it as a child, sometimes it still hurts so much, not only emotionally but also physically. It feels like this painful hunger in my chest that feels like someone is twisting a knife in it, over and over again. I really like this site and I am extremely grateful for the support and advice its users have given me, but unfortunately, this feeling of complete alienation remains when I am browsing this site as well. I feel like the only thing I have in common with the users of this site is that you are all also suicidal, and other than that, I am completely different from all of you, just like I am from every other person in the world.

I wonder if anyone else on this site is also able to relate to this feeling of being completely alone and untethered from humanity, like an astronaut floating all alone in the cold and silent darkness of outer space, abandoned and left there to die, alone for thousands and thousands of miles, with no hope of ever being able to come back down to Earth where everyone else is.

 

[diseasedstreetcat]

that's interesting. i feel the way you do, however i cant say with the same intensity. i share the feeling in not ever feeling like my worldview lines up with anyone else's, but i at least can rely on the comfort that i have a handful of people who's demeanor approaches just enough to mine that i feel welcomed and resonated with to a certain extent.

i have also had many diagnosis. my family was convinced i had borderline because a old and prestigious therapist deemed i had it, but i do not resonate with any of the symptoms. well. except suicidality. ha.

you talk a lot about how different and othered you feel, but can't you make reason of it? describe why is it that people find you odd? it's hard to have any concrete idea of how you are just reading this.

 

[Unbelonging]

that's interesting. i feel the way you do, however i cant say with the same intensity. i share the feeling in not ever feeling like my worldview lines up with anyone else's, but i at least can rely on the comfort that i have a handful of people who's demeanor approaches just enough to mine that i feel welcomed and resonated with to a certain extent.

i have also had many diagnosis. my family was convinced i had borderline because a old and prestigious therapist deemed i had it, but i do not resonate with any of the symptoms. well. except suicidality. ha.

you talk a lot about how different and othered you feel, but can't you make reason of it? describe why is it that people find you odd? it's hard to have any concrete idea of how you are just reading this.

I don't really know why people find me odd, I just think that there is something "off" about me and they can tell when they see me or talk to me. They can tell that I am not like the rest of them and I'm just pretending. There is just something weird about me.

 

[sserafim]

Yeah, I feel the same way. I feel like an alien and that I'm on the wrong planet. I don't think that I was meant to be in this world. I'm neurodivergent and I have Asperger's/autism as well as ADHD and social anxiety. I just feel like I'll never belong or fit into this world. It's just a feeling of being ill-suited for it.

 

[diseasedstreetcat]

I don't really know why people find me odd, I just think that there is something "off" about me and they can tell when they see me or talk to me. They can tell that I am not like the rest of them and I'm just pretending. There is just something weird about me.

don't you think you can twist this in it's head then?

don't get me wrong, it's horrible to be lonely, to have an experience or feeling that means so much to you and not ever see it mirrored in the world that surrounds you. i understand that.

But it also means that you have something no one else can show or bring. I try to do that in my art. i make things that speak true and matter to me that other people would not understand, and i find that in the whole wide web there are a few people who, even if they don't get it, they like it. it means something to them in their own way.
Don't you want to experiment with what you can bring to the world? if your shortcomings limit you, you can at least work around them and sand them out. essentially what i'm trying to say is that you can be different, and you can be lonely, but you can also be loved.

 

[tiger b]

Your post has helped me.

I feel like a mongrel. I'm half of this, half of that. I never fit in nor exactly don't fit in.

Maybe not a tiger, but a Tigon! Or a liger. Aaagh. Shame it wasn't a lager, I could drink myself.

This half-in, half-out has its uses, especially with empathy. But deep connections that I value have been difficult to make and exhausting to keep. Work...exhausts.

I have sympathy for the op. I'm not quite in your alien shoes. I've met a handful of people I'd say were in the extreme-extreme bracket. I don't think I got a chance to build a relationship with them. Let's just say...I feel you as much as I can. I'm sorry it's not enough.

 

[vuberpoot1]

i feel the way you do, however i cant say with the same intensity.

I think I'm in the same boat. I've also always tried to find a "home" or a place where I feel like I belong and people are similar to me, but nothing has ever really come close. From my family, to the friends I've made, the classmates I've studied with, the coworkers I've worked with, I've only ever felt isolated from everyone else. Something about the way I think, they way I behave, and the way I process emotions just makes me completely different from any other person I've ever come across, and no one has ever really understood me. What you said about being involuntarily excluded from a party while you're out in the cold is a perfect way to describe it, honestly.
But, in your case, I think you could use some help from a professional. I'm not a professional by any means, but I think if you found access to a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, you might find a way to better understand yourself and the environment around you. Cognitive behavioral therapy, for example, might be a really helpful way for you to figure out how to mesh with the world, while respecting your differences with the world at the same time.

 

[FuneralCry]

Absolutely yes and in my case I don't want to be like anyone else. Humans are the worst species, I'm not meant to exist in this hellish reality.

 

[skaro]

This is a big part of the reason that I want to ctb. I just feel like an alien or some other species who is trying to pretend to be human, and the species I am from has a completely different brain structure and everything. I just don't experience life and perceive the world the same way everyone else does. I don't even know how to describe it. It is like describing sight to a blind person or sound to a deaf person. No matter how descriptively and vividly you describe it, you can't describe something like that to someone who doesn't have it in their brain. But I will try my best.

Ever since I can remember, every single person I have ever met has found me strange. When I was a kid, it was extremely common for me to just be walking on the street when complete strangers would approach me and ask me if I was okay. My teachers reported me to the school counseling office throughout my childhood because they wanted to know why I was the way I was. Some people I met have been very worried for me because of the way I am. One example of this is a soccer coach who was teaching me and a group of other kids, and the way I acted worried him so much that he left the field in the middle of the lesson and shouted for my mom in the parking lot to tell her about how I was acting and ask her about me. Incidents like this have happened my entire life and if you met everyone that knew me and asked them to describe me, one thing that I am sure they would all say is, "I have never met anyone like her before, in all my life". That is what many people say about me.

My entire life, I have never made one friend, not even as a kid. I was very quiet outside the house, and still am. At home, I would have to put on a front and act loud and enthusiastic because if I didn't, I'd be punished for "sulking", but my family often saw through this front I put on. The closest thing to a friend I ever had was when my mom would talk to other kids' moms and convince them to tell their kids to befriend me, or when a classmate would talk to me because they pitied me. This has only happened a few times in my life, mostly in elementary school, and each time, these "friendships" only lasted a few months at most, with both me and the other person knowing the entire time that they did not truly like me and they were only interacting with me because they felt obligated to.

I hate being so different from other people and being unable to connect with them, and I have looked for possible causes of this online and read about various mental disorders such as antisocial personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder, autism, etc., and nothing explains who I am. I do think I have borderline personality disorder, due to my risk-taking behaviors, extreme mood swings, and the way someone immediately becomes my "favorite person" after they simply treat me like a human, and the way I obsess about them and cry over them for months or years afterward. I also think I may have some kind of dissociative disorder, because of persistent feelings of disconnection from the world that I have had my entire life, but I have never tried to get a formal diagnosis for either of these disorders.

But these disorders only explain a part of what is wrong with me, and they don't explain the biggest problem I have - that I am extremely different from other people. I feel like if there is a disorder behind this, I am the only one in the world with it. I truly believe that there is no one who was ever born in the past, no one alive today, and no one who will ever live who will be anything like me. I know how many people that encompasses and I still completely believe it and think it is a very realistic estimate.

I feel so isolated from the world and I don't think I will ever be able to connect with anyone. It is like I'm walking by a house on a cold snowy night and I can see everyone partying and having fun through a window, but I will never be able to open the door and come in and enjoy the party with them, and I am just left outside freezing in the darkness, all by myself. Even when two people are completely different - even when they come from very different backgrounds, cultures, or are parts of different generations - they are still mentally connected on a very basic level, and everyone has this basic connection inbuilt in them by default, because they are human. I don't have this connection in my brain and I can't connect with anyone. I don't mean that in a psychopathic way. I love many people and care for them, but I just can't feel connected to them because it's like I am not even from the same species.

When I was little, I used to fantasize that aliens sent me to Earth in the body of a human and that they would take me from Earth one day, and I would be sent back to the alien planet that I was originally from, and I would finally feel at home. I do not feel at home anywhere. Now that I've grown older, I can't rely on these silly fantasies anymore. I am not a special alien sent to the Earth with an important purpose. I am just defective and I will always be this way, and I will never be sent back home, because I don't have any home. I will always feel completely out of place and alone, no matter who I meet or where I go, and it won't change.

I have always had this feeling and it will last for the rest of my life. While I have learned to deal with it better than I dealt with it as a child, sometimes it still hurts so much, not only emotionally but also physically. It feels like this painful hunger in my chest that feels like someone is twisting a knife in it, over and over again. I really like this site and I am extremely grateful for the support and advice its users have given me, but unfortunately, this feeling of complete alienation remains when I am browsing this site, as well. I feel like the only thing I have in common with the users of this site is that you are all also suicidal, and other than that, I am completely different from all of you, just like I am from every other person in the world.

I wonder if anyone else on this site is also able to relate to this feeling of being completely alone and untethered from humanity, like an astronaut floating all alone in the cold and silent darkness of outer space, abandoned and left there to die, alone for thousands and thousands of miles, with no hope of ever being able to come back down to Earth where everyone else is.

I relate to this very deeply aswell, I'm also different and always thought there was nobody else like me on the planet. So, I've been suspected of autism by my teacher since 1st grade (but I don't officially fit into the diagnosis), and I've been bullied and rejected in most places for being very very different, I mean I've been different even as a toddler. I did have friends but, barely. I really understand exactly what you had to go through, I'm sorry. I have this funny photo of the first day of school where the whole class is smiling and looking at the camera and I'm the only one looking to the side and with a straight face lol, that pretty much explains my whole life

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

yes i have nothing in comon with any other humans on earth . for example i'm moving more towards nihilism : nothing matters . well except extreme pain to me and ctb asap. nothing matters. to most something matters something . to me nothing well that is where i logically want to be.. that why i said i'm moving towards nihilism. i was brainwashed when I was a young ape to believe all kinds of ridiculous trash were important good or fun, they're just addictions illusions like for example sports , youtube , media etc. but pain no that's real the only things real to me are extreme pain extreme suffering and escaping those with ctb asap.. this is just the start but theres much more thousands of pages. i've never seen some of the things I believe or found out . anyone can figure out anything if they want to , if they read about it , research think about it a lot every day.

especially with the normies who think there is objective morality that life is good, that having children and a relationship is good that growing old is desired etc. i have nothing in common with the normies, pro-lifers nor anyone ever. i don't think any of that is desired .

Another thing is i read about ai programming. and of course i can see the similarities between chatpt's reasoning and humans. both are just neural networks

Just one thing the much vaunted mamalian / human neocortex ( the brain) has only 6 layers of neurons. while an artificial nueral network can have thousands: humans are so done imo

Neocortex - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Redirect Notice

 

[IsThisEverything]

I feel exactly the same way you do and it is also one of the main reasons I want to CTB. I feel isolated and disconnected from everyone else. It's like everyone else is part of something I'm not. I am autistic but I don't think that explains it, as I also feel very different to other autistic people. I don't have any words of advice as I've not found a way to fix this for myself, but I know how you feel and it's loneliness on another level.

 

[Neogoloid]

Definitely, I don't fit in anywhere. I'm all alone. And I'm completely worthless.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yes, I don't fit in anywhere at all. I just can't comprehend on how I can fit in

 

[godsseepiestsoldier]

Yeah almost word for word what youve said. No matter how hard ive tried and all ive done is tried my entire life theres always something off about me that gives ppl an almost knee jerk reaction to isolate me. Parents, peers, teachers all treated me the same and whilst im sure they werent always trying to hurt my feelings always gave very knee jerk responses that hurt. Im not saying im some kinda saint but that being said ive never done anything horrendously wrong. Ive made quite a few friends before but theyre always very shallow and short lived bc eventually my act falls through and weirds them out. Im operating on some hope that out of the 8 billion person alive there has to be a single person whos close enough to being like me that wed get along but idk if i can wait my whole life. Dont wanna go on babbling forever but basically yeah i feel every word u said man

 

[KillerIsMe]

Whatever the "issue" is, you're highly intelligent and have a lot of self awareness.

I would say some kind of personality disorder. And the confusion is understandable--millions of people have lived their whole lives wondering why they're a little different and broken. You've just gotten somewhat further with access to the internet than similar lost souls did a hundred years ago. Personality pathology is certainly not something anybody gets an instruction manual for. You're a human individual with value first and foremost, but this is likely the general area of what has caused you to feel different.

Do you not consider your "FP"s to be "true friends"?

 

[SpencerSees]

You just described exactly how experience life! I do have friends, but in all my relationships I feel alienated, like i don't know something they do. And they know you're different so they either treat you more like a pet than a person or don't want to do anything to do with you. As a kid I was 100% convinced that I was an actual demon or alien (religious upbringing n its consequences haha). They just can't seem to understand my thinking and honestly I don't understand theirs. They say i'm on the spectrum though, so that might be worth looking into as it was mentioned by the people above. I don't think this is why I'm like this tbh, since why it explains many of my problems, i feel completely different from every single autistic person i've met.

It's honestly so exhausting trying to fit in and still failing so hard. No matter what you do, you're still nothing like anyone around you, or ever maybe lol.

 

[princejohnny]

I've always felt the exact same way! I felt like an alien when I was a kid and that feeling never went away. I have this innate inability to connect with people. The loneliness is unreal. Never did find an explanation either but the truth is out there.

 

[Meditation guide]

This is a big part of the reason that I want to ctb. I just feel like an alien or some other species who is trying to pretend to be human, and the species I am from has a completely different brain structure and everything. I just don't experience life and perceive the world the same way everyone else does. I don't even know how to describe it. It is like describing sight to a blind person or sound to a deaf person. No matter how descriptively and vividly you describe it, you can't describe something like that to someone who doesn't have it in their brain. But I will try my best.

Ever since I can remember, every single person I have ever met has found me strange. When I was a kid, it was extremely common for me to just be walking on the street when complete strangers would approach me and ask me if I was okay. My teachers reported me to the school counseling office throughout my childhood because they wanted to know why I was the way I was. Some people I met have been very worried for me because of the way I am. One example of this is a soccer coach who was teaching me and a group of other kids, and the way I acted worried him so much that he left the field in the middle of the lesson and shouted for my mom in the parking lot to tell her about how I was acting and ask her about me. Incidents like this have happened my entire life and if you met everyone that knew me and asked them to describe me, one thing that I am sure they would all say is, "I have never met anyone like her before, in all my life". That is what many people say about me.

My entire life, I have never made one friend, not even as a kid. I was very quiet outside the house, and still am. At home, I would have to put on a front and act loud and enthusiastic because if I didn't, I'd be punished for "sulking", but my family often saw through this front I put on. The closest thing to a friend I ever had was when my mom would talk to other kids' moms and convince them to tell their kids to befriend me, or when a classmate would talk to me because they pitied me. This has only happened a few times in my life, mostly in elementary school, and each time, these "friendships" only lasted a few months at most, with both me and the other person knowing the entire time that they did not truly like me and they were only interacting with me because they felt obligated to.

I hate being so different from other people and being unable to connect with them, and I have looked for possible causes of this online and read about various mental disorders such as antisocial personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder, autism, etc., and nothing explains who I am. I do think I have borderline personality disorder, due to my risk-taking behaviors, extreme mood swings, and the way someone immediately becomes my "favorite person" after they simply treat me like a human, and the way I obsess about them and cry over them for months or years afterward. I also think I may have some kind of dissociative disorder, because of persistent feelings of disconnection from the world that I have had my entire life, but I have never tried to get a formal diagnosis for either of these disorders.

But these disorders only explain a part of what is wrong with me, and they don't explain the biggest problem I have - that I am extremely different from other people. I feel like if there is a disorder behind this, I am the only one in the world with it. I truly believe that there is no one who was ever born in the past, no one alive today, and no one who will ever live who will be anything like me. I know how many people that encompasses and I still completely believe it and think it is a very realistic estimate.

I feel so isolated from the world and I don't think I will ever be able to connect with anyone. It is like I'm walking by a house on a cold snowy night and I can see everyone partying and having fun through a window, but I will never be able to open the door and come in and enjoy the party with them, and I am just left outside freezing in the darkness, all by myself. Even when two people are completely different - even when they come from very different backgrounds, cultures, or are parts of different generations - they are still mentally connected on a very basic level, and everyone has this basic connection inbuilt in them by default, because they are human. I don't have this connection in my brain and I can't connect with anyone. I don't mean that in a psychopathic way. I love many people and care for them, but I just can't feel connected to them because it's like I am not even from the same species.

When I was little, I used to fantasize that aliens sent me to Earth in the body of a human and that they would take me from Earth one day, and I would be sent back to the alien planet that I was originally from, and I would finally feel at home. I do not feel at home anywhere. Now that I've grown older, I can't rely on these silly fantasies anymore. I am not a special alien sent to the Earth with an important purpose. I am just defective and I will always be this way, and I will never be sent back home, because I don't have any home. I will always feel completely out of place and alone, no matter who I meet or where I go, and it won't change.

I have always had this feeling and it will last for the rest of my life. While I have learned to deal with it better than I dealt with it as a child, sometimes it still hurts so much, not only emotionally but also physically. It feels like this painful hunger in my chest that feels like someone is twisting a knife in it, over and over again. I really like this site and I am extremely grateful for the support and advice its users have given me, but unfortunately, this feeling of complete alienation remains when I am browsing this site as well. I feel like the only thing I have in common with the users of this site is that you are all also suicidal, and other than that, I am completely different from all of you, just like I am from every other person in the world.

I wonder if anyone else on this site is also able to relate to this feeling of being completely alone and untethered from humanity, like an astronaut floating all alone in the cold and silent darkness of outer space, abandoned and left there to die, alone for thousands and thousands of miles, with no hope of ever being able to come back down to Earth where everyone else is.

Yes I do. I feel alien. And everyone else feels that way about me. Oh well.

 

[Wouldpecker]

I've always felt I was meant to be a snake. I was born human and I am wired to be human, but it disgusts me. Snakes don't understand me-they don't care to-and that, paradoxically, makes me feel more understood than any human ever has. I've learned to put on the monkey mask and do my little monkey dances and I'm generally well-liked when I do that but it's so fucking tiring. I wish I had someone I could be myself around. Unfortunately when I try to be myself people dislike me immediately.

 

[Meditation guide]

There's a song "I don't speak human" meaning relating to things in nature and the animal and spirit world, but not at all fitting in with humans. That's me.

 

[eatantz]

It pains me to know I'm not alone but will also never meet anyone like this in my life. I completely relate to this I've always described myself as an alien [then I got diagnosed with autism]. Growing up around people you don't fit in with, is one of the worst tragedies especially with the fact that there are people like you.

This site has made me realise I'm not alone, but makes me mourn the life I could of had if I was around people like you; other aliens.

 

[TapeMachine]

I feel similarly, though I've generally been able to mask fairly well, even extremely well at times, around groups of people. But it's so exhausting, and it doesn't really produce genuine bonds/friendships anyway, so who cares if I'm a convincing liar for short encounters..?

I just prefer to be alone these days...except shit has been feeling too lonely lately, and that isn't good either, but . I don't know. Anyway.

I'm sorry you feel isolated and misunderstood.

I'm curious what happened that day the soccer coach was so alarmed that he ran after your mother? Do you know what behaviors of yours caused his extreme reaction?

 

[icari]

I know exactly what you mean although fortunately I have been able to make friends who (at least seem) to enjoy my company. I do however still fail to feel like I truly connect with any of them beyond being just fun to hang out with. My mind is full of all sorts of weird ideas and questions that if I ever bring up just make people look confused and weirded out and so I feel like a good chunk of my personality is totally internal and private. A lot of the reason my friends are my friends is only because I like to use drugs and alcohol to escape and become more sociable and therefore I guess I must be kind of fun to be around when I'm like that because I take on a kind of loud and eccentric "jester" persona that people find amusing. I completely resonate with the feeling that I am mentally alien and am not supposed to be here. I was reading the Scottish comedian Limmy's autobiography and he described a similar sensation which he described as having "missed a day at school". Like everyone on earth has some extra piece of knowledge that is completely missing for him but seems to be essential to knowing how to be a human being. That analogy resonated a lot with me too.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

I don't think theres anyone else in the world like me. And i don't mean that in the hipster way. I just don't think anyone would understand where I'm coming from or why I'm like this. And I just have to learn to accept being alone. Before inevitably succumbing to CTB

 

[Unbelonging]

I feel similarly, though I've generally been able to mask fairly well, even extremely well at times, around groups of people. But it's so exhausting, and it doesn't really produce genuine bonds/friendships anyway, so who cares if I'm a convincing liar for short encounters..?

I just prefer to be alone these days...except shit has been feeling too lonely lately, and that isn't good either, but . I don't know. Anyway.

I'm sorry you feel isolated and misunderstood.

I'm curious what happened that day the soccer coach was so alarmed that he ran after your mother? Do you know what behaviors of yours caused his extreme reaction?

I don't remember it very well since it was so long ago. I think he had organized us into groups and since I was so quiet, the three other kids in my group were playing with each other and not with me, and I just stood to the side. He came over to see why I wasn't playing and he asked me if I wanted to play in another group or if I had friends in another group, and I said no. It was just this small interaction that made him so alarmed. He could be a bit strict sometimes and would sometimes yell at misbehaving kids without seeming to care if they felt bad afterward, which only made him getting so worried about me more confusing. I guess I just appeared so isolated and depressed that he had to ask my mom about me. Things like this happened all the time to me as a kid.

 

[TapeMachine]

I don't remember it very well since it was so long ago. I think he had organized us into groups and since I was so quiet, the three other kids in my group were playing with each other and not with me, and I just stood to the side. He came over to see why I wasn't playing and he asked me if I wanted to play in another group or if I had friends in another group, and I said no. It was just this small interaction that made him so alarmed. He could be a bit strict sometimes and would sometimes yell at misbehaving kids without seeming to care if they felt bad afterward, which only made him getting so worried about me more confusing. I guess I just appeared so isolated and depressed that he had to ask my mom about me. Things like this happened all the time to me as a kid.

It kinda seems like maybe he was overreacting a bit, in my opinion? But he could have just felt concerned for your well-being or something, if you seemed quite melancholy, ya know? Perhaps he meant well, or at least I hope so... I don't know. I'm rambling and overthinking, I apologize.

But that must have been an uncomfortable situation for you, and I'm sorry you experienced that (as well as the many other awful and alienating encounters with people throughout your life.)

 

[Kit1]

Yes. All the medical professionals are tired of me - but then again, I am tired of them as well.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

This is partly relatable. I've met actually quite a few people who were almost exactly like me, I briefly dated a girl around the beginning of 2022 and despite she was a different race than me and gender, we were almost exactly the same besides that. I really enjoyed dating a short female version of me and I wish that lasted longer. I still think of her to this day

However at the same time a lot of people really don't get along with me well, they find some weird reason to hate me generally. It's been this way my whole life. But at the same time I haven't been completely isolated, I had a best friend that I've known for 12 years now and he's the funniest mf Ive ever known. It's been a blessing spending so many years with that bro. But I always wish I had more. Like a squad I could chill with, never got to experience that. I really don't get what makes someone "unlikable" when they do literally nothing, I don't get it at all. Even so much as walking around a bit too much while I was drunk/high at a party or bar was enough to make people grow dislike for me. Guess I just don't fit in. I tried my whole life to but I don't get it

 

[Mistiie]

Well, there is someone like you! Me, because I feel the exact same way and have gone through the exact same things you have, even down to the neurodevelopmental disorders and shit. Autism might have fit me as a kid and my parent(s?) may have it but it doesn't fit me anymore and I wouldn't fit the criteria to a great degree today. ADHD seems more likely but even then, I'm not hyperactive nor especially inattentive and my focus isn't any worse than other people's, nor was it when I was a kid. DID, BPD, NVLD...nothing else in particular really fits me to any degree, other than OCD. And social anxiety.

What I came to terms with was that I was probably on the BAP (Broader Autism Phenotype) meaning I had traits that presented autistic but you were far from the textbook definition and whilst you might have been fit for a diagnosis once in life, you wouldn't later in lfie or not all the time, and it typically presents in people with relatives with autism. In other, shorter words, you have some of it, but not all of it. That's what causes the middling feelings of "I don't fit in with normal people, but also not with autistic people."

That realisation, along with the concept of OCD, anxiety, cPTSD, depression, and in general a piss-poor childhood helped me realise that I likely won't ever relate with anyone as a result of my very unique perspective and experience of life, even down to the disorders and how they manifest. There will and never would be someone like me who I will truly relate to. Some people might feel less alien, but everyone feels like that to some extent.

On one hand, I suppose you could accept it as a good thing though. Think of yourself as extraordinary...

You just described exactly how experience life! I do have friends, but in all my relationships I feel alienated, like i don't know something they do. And they know you're different so they either treat you more like a pet than a person or don't want to do anything to do with you. As a kid I was 100% convinced that I was an actual demon or alien (religious upbringing n its consequences haha). They just can't seem to understand my thinking and honestly I don't understand theirs. They say i'm on the spectrum though, so that might be worth looking into as it was mentioned by the people above. I don't think this is why I'm like this tbh, since why it explains many of my problems, i feel completely different from every single autistic person i've met.

It's honestly so exhausting trying to fit in and still failing so hard. No matter what you do, you're still nothing like anyone around you, or ever maybe lol.

I relate to this too. Certainly not neurotypical, but also certainly not a 'textbook' autistic person. Something entirely different from either party yet all the same. I have all the symptoms but for different reasons, and whilst I get along better with them, I don't really relate to them or experience any of what they do in my current life.

I also get the whole not fitting in thing. It's like I'm infinitely close yet completely distant from it. Nearly normal but never fully. Social yet there will always be the bones of a shy and anxious person in my body.

I wouldn't be surprised if neuroscience and psychiatry has lumped experiences like this into autism or a personality disorder but it's actually something else entirely that's either not diagnosed enough or not known at all due to our current clinical knowledge. I've seen so many experiences online, be that on Reddit or some other places, that say that this is actually just autism, but I think it's something else entirely, because there's such a distinct difference between your experience/my experience and the ones of a typical autistic person, even if it's just down to reasoning behind actions or our innate feelings about the matter.

Even with things like social cues, autistic people don't get them at all. Eye contact? Either uncomfortable or physically painful. Stimming? Extreme.

As for me, I get social cues just fine and always have, I just freeze and can't act on them for feel too awkward to...eye contact isn't uncomfortable or physically painful either, I just don't make it unconsciously. I don't really stim either.

It's such a weird and ill-defined boundary. I'd actually bet there's something else that we don't know about yet, given that wide disconnect.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yeah, I'm completely unique and in a bad way. I always found life undesirable and I know that others aren't like this. I want to put in no effort at all and I know others aren't like this. I also don't really find any joy from things or at least I think I don't. Oh, and I also have been completely friendless irl throughout my entire life (I didn't make any irl acquaintances either) despite going to school and this is definitely exclusive to me