Help Does anyone else feel this way and how do you get to “normal” from this?

[Crimson_Dawn_Mob261]

My second post. I feel so old.

My entire life I have felt this pain. I don't even know what it is. It doesn't have a cause and I wasn't in a traumatic event or anything, but it's always been there. I could never be "normal". I tried largely ignoring it when I got in trouble and left out for being apathetic as a kid, so I just started acting how I thought people wanted me to act. It worked, but it only got worse. Just recently a month or so ago I shut down because I couldn't handle it anymore, and then I tried killing myself to make it stop only to be unable to because I'm too scared of dying. The thing is I'm also terrified of living. Every time I think of the future I get terrified and can't imagine doing everything. Pain surrounds me in my present and fear and anxiety cloud my future. So now I'm just stuck and need to find a "normal" before college this fall. I tried talking to my mom, but I've largely just gotten "get over it; other people feel pain too; do what you need to for college" and that's it, but it doesn't help and telling me to do something doesn't make it any easier. I'm going to describe how I've felt/feel and I have to ask if anyone has felt similarly and/or how to return to a "normal" state.

I don't know what the pain is, but it is always there. It's been with me as long as I can remember and has only gotten worse. No matter what it feels like it constantly surrounds me and at times feels suffocating and heavy. Then if I try to do work and get anything done it just clouds everything. I can't even watch tv or read a book (which used to give me an escape) without getting a strange sense of dread. Then I hear somebody else's voice (usually my mother) and the pain just turns into anger. I feel so angry that other people don't feel how I do and are able to be "normal" and accomplish things. I want them to experience what I feel and for that moment all I can think about is hurting that person, but I don't want to be angry. Afterwards I feel guilty for even thinking that and after so many times I try to shut off anger, so I'm just left with pain and nothingness. I can't even remember if I've felt emotions other than pain and anger anymore (I remember crying so I guess sorrow? But I don't even remember being sad).

The other thing is the constant fear. Having to interact with people terrifies me to the point that I can't even send a message. It's not like public speaking fear; I can give a speech. My fear is in actually going outside and getting to the room to give the speech. And I'm not even afraid of people hurting me physically. Its the chance that they could get a negative opinion about me or start viewing me poorly. And that shows up even me I post online or just read replies to other people's posts. It doesn't even have to be in response to me, but seeing how toxic and ugly people can be (and how easily they choose to act that way and how many choose to) is painful me. And I try so hard to remember that other people's opinions don't matter; I know it, but I just can't seem to apply it to my feelings. I hate having emotion and being about to feel pain and fear. Literally everything apart of life just comes back to hurt me. I don't even like eating because I cannot remember anything tasting good and everything seems to upset my stomach (not all to the level of "I need a toilet", but at least slight discomfort which is discomforting). Everything else just seems like such a drag. In response to this I turned off my phone, stopped checking my email, and at minimum meals, but that just got my mom angry. Then I learned that because of Covid-19 quarantine we were doing online classes and because I hadn't been checking my stuff I was in danger of not graduating, which earned me more yelling to do stuff, which still doesn't make it any easier for me to do anything. Also have I mentioned that noise causes me great pain and then anger? Even the slightest at times. And then everything involving other people gives me more pain because I'm forced to preen I care about them and never given a choice. For example before the quarantine my graduation was coming up. I don't like ceremonie, but would have had to go because my relatives ( that I don't even like) were coming and the same people I don't like would have ended up being loud and taking up space in my house. I just feel so trapped in my own life. And I get that these aren't things normal people care about, but that doesn't change how I feel.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been spending the month only sleeping because sleep gives me the only reprieve from the pain. I tried passing the time by playing games, but after a while I did even know what I wa doing and stopped. I tried watching funny youtube videos, but they stopped being funny as soon as an ad came up and I could take a second to think about my current situation. I can't even go to sleep without being bombarded by thoughts and the pain. Now I can't sleep and become scared or lying down so I end up having to masturbate just to put my mind in a state where it's hardly thinking, and then I feel disgusted with myself all over again. Which has the added effect of making me terrified to take drugs because I'm posting I'll end up addicted and I hate things that change my ability to think clearly. Which once again reminds myself that I'm my own worse enemy. I can't even get a hug or physical contact, because I hate touching, and other people, and honestly there are times I want a hug, there just exists no one that I would allow to give me one. Then when relatives (who not even them I trust or love) force one on me I just feel awkward and it doesn't at all give the effect I want.

The Only solution I could ever thing of to actually end this and achieve any level of piece was to die, but I'm too scared to die and really don't want to. I mean I truly wish I were never born so I would never had to feel any of this. I'm actually envious of two siblings I have that died shortly after birth, which in turn only makes me feel more guilty for not wanting to be alive. Regardless I don't want to feel the pain of death. If there was an option to die painlessly or in my sleep, I'd take it in a heartbeat. Right now I just want to know if there is a way through this, some way to reach normal. I wanted to be able to accomplish things and finish things. I wanted to be a writer and successful, but right now I just don't know how to get there.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That sounds like you are in so much pain, I'm so sorry. Sounds like a case of serious depression plus maybe some other stuff. Have you talked to anyone about it or considered a professional opinion? I'm not big on shrinks myself, but they can give another perspective, as long as you don't let yourself get bullied into anything.

 

[Isisnefert]

[QUOTE = "Crimson_Dawn_Mob261, publicación: 698639, miembro: 17165"]
Mi segundo post Me siento tan viejo

Toda mi vida he sentido este dolor. Ni siquiera sé de qué se trata. No tiene una causa y no estuve en un evento traumático ni nada, pero siempre ha estado allí. Nunca podría ser "normal". Intenté ignorarlo en gran medida cuando me metí en problemas y me quedé fuera por ser apático cuando era niño, así que comencé a actuar como pensaba que la gente quería que actuara. Funcionó, pero solo empeoró. Hace apenas un mes, más o menos, cerré porque ya no podía soportarlo, y luego intenté suicidarme para detenerlo solo para no poder hacerlo porque tengo demasiado miedo de morir. La cosa es que también estoy aterrorizada de vivir. Cada vez que pienso en el futuro me aterrorizo y no puedo imaginar hacer todo. El dolor me rodea en mi presente y el miedo y la ansiedad nublan mi futuro. Así que ahora estoy atascado y necesito encontrar un "normal" antes de la universidad este otoño. Traté de hablar con mi madre, pero en gran parte acabo de "superarlo; otras personas también sienten dolor; haz lo que necesites para la universidad "y eso es todo, pero no ayuda y decirme que haga algo no lo hace más fácil. Voy a describir cómo me he sentido / me siento y tengo que preguntar si alguien se ha sentido de manera similar y / o cómo volver a un estado "normal".

I don't know what the pain is, but it is always there. It's been with me as long as I can remember and has only gotten worse. No matter what it feels like it constantly surrounds me and at times feels suffocating and heavy. Then if I try to do work and get anything done it just clouds everything. I can't even watch tv or read a book (which used to give me an escape) without getting a strange sense of dread. Then I hear somebody else's voice (usually my mother) and the pain just turns into anger. I feel so angry that other people don't feel how I do and are able to be "normal" and accomplish things. I want them to experience what I feel and for that moment all I can think about is hurting that person, but I don't want to be angry. Afterwards I feel guilty for even thinking that and after so many times I try to shut off anger, so I'm just left with pain and nothingness. I can't even remember if I've felt emotions other than pain and anger anymore (I remember crying so I guess sorrow? But I don't even remember being sad).

The other thing is the constant fear. Having to interact with people terrifies me to the point that I can't even send a message. It's not like public speaking fear; I can give a speech. My fear is in actually going outside and getting to the room to give the speech. And I'm not even afraid of people hurting me physically. Its the chance that they could get a negative opinion about me or start viewing me poorly. And that shows up even me I post online or just read replies to other people's posts. It doesn't even have to be in response to me, but seeing how toxic and ugly people can be (and how easily they choose to act that way and how many choose to) is painful me. And I try so hard to remember that other people's opinions don't matter; I know it, but I just can't seem to apply it to my feelings. I hate having emotion and being about to feel pain and fear. Literally everything apart of life just comes back to hurt me. I don't even like eating because I cannot remember anything tasting good and everything seems to upset my stomach (not all to the level of "I need a toilet", but at least slight discomfort which is discomforting). Everything else just seems like such a drag. In response to this I turned off my phone, stopped checking my email, and at minimum meals, but that just got my mom angry. Then I learned that because of Covid-19 quarantine we were doing online classes and because I hadn't been checking my stuff I was in danger of not graduating, which earned me more yelling to do stuff, which still doesn't make it any easier for me to do anything. Also have I mentioned that noise causes me great pain and then anger? Even the slightest at times. And then everything involving other people gives me more pain because I'm forced to preen I care about them and never given a choice. For example before the quarantine my graduation was coming up. I don't like ceremonie, but would have had to go because my relatives ( that I don't even like) were coming and the same people I don't like would have ended up being loud and taking up space in my house. I just feel so trapped in my own life. And I get that these aren't things normal people care about, but that doesn't change how I feel.

Simplemente ya no sé qué hacer. He pasado el mes solo durmiendo porque dormirme da el único alivio del dolor. Traté de pasar el tiempo jugando, pero después de un tiempo incluso supe lo que estaba haciendo y me detuve. Traté de ver videos divertidos de YouTube, pero dejaron de serlo tan pronto como apareció un anuncio y pude tomar un segundo para pensar en mi situación actual. Ni siquiera puedo dormir sin ser bombardeado por los pensamientos y el dolor. Ahora no puedo dormir y me asusto o me acuesto, así que termino teniendo que masturbarme solo para poner mi mente en un estado en el que apenas estoy pensando, y luego me siento asqueada conmigo misma de nuevo. Lo que tiene el efecto adicional de aterrorizarme a tomar drogas porque estoy publicando, terminaré siendo adicto y odio las cosas que cambian mi capacidad de pensar con claridad. Lo que una vez más me recuerda que soy mi peor enemigo. Ni siquiera puedo recibir un abrazo o contacto físico, porque odio tocar ya otras personas, y honestamente hay momentos en que quiero un abrazo, simplemente no existe nadie a quien me permita darme uno. Luego, cuando los familiares (en quienes ni siquiera confío o amo) me imponen uno, me siento incómodo y no me da el efecto que quiero.

La única solución que pude tener para terminar esto y alcanzar cualquier nivel de pieza fue morir, pero tengo demasiado miedo de morir y realmente no quiero hacerlo. Quiero decir, realmente desearía no haber nacido para no tener que sentir nada de esto. De hecho, tengo envidia de dos hermanos que tengo que murieron poco después del nacimiento, lo que a su vez solo me hace sentir más culpable por no querer estar vivo. Independientemente, no quiero sentir el dolor de la muerte. Si hubiera una opción para morir sin dolor o mientras dormía, tomaría en un instante. En este momento solo quiero saber si hay una manera de superar esto, alguna forma de llegar a la normalidad. Quería poder lograr cosas y terminar cosas. Quería ser escritor y tener éxito, pero en este momento no sé cómo llegar allí.
[/ CITA [/ CITA]

My second post. I feel so old.

My entire life I have felt this pain. I don't even know what it is. It doesn't have a cause and I wasn't in a traumatic event or anything, but it's always been there. I could never be "normal". I tried largely ignoring it when I got in trouble and left out for being apathetic as a kid, so I just started acting how I thought people wanted me to act. It worked, but it only got worse. Just recently a month or so ago I shut down because I couldn't handle it anymore, and then I tried killing myself to make it stop only to be unable to because I'm too scared of dying. The thing is I'm also terrified of living. Every time I think of the future I get terrified and can't imagine doing everything. Pain surrounds me in my present and fear and anxiety cloud my future. So now I'm just stuck and need to find a "normal" before college this fall. I tried talking to my mom, but I've largely just gotten "get over it; other people feel pain too; do what you need to for college" and that's it, but it doesn't help and telling me to do something doesn't make it any easier. I'm going to describe how I've felt/feel and I have to ask if anyone has felt similarly and/or how to return to a "normal" state.

I don't know what the pain is, but it is always there. It's been with me as long as I can remember and has only gotten worse. No matter what it feels like it constantly surrounds me and at times feels suffocating and heavy. Then if I try to do work and get anything done it just clouds everything. I can't even watch tv or read a book (which used to give me an escape) without getting a strange sense of dread. Then I hear somebody else's voice (usually my mother) and the pain just turns into anger. I feel so angry that other people don't feel how I do and are able to be "normal" and accomplish things. I want them to experience what I feel and for that moment all I can think about is hurting that person, but I don't want to be angry. Afterwards I feel guilty for even thinking that and after so many times I try to shut off anger, so I'm just left with pain and nothingness. I can't even remember if I've felt emotions other than pain and anger anymore (I remember crying so I guess sorrow? But I don't even remember being sad).

The other thing is the constant fear. Having to interact with people terrifies me to the point that I can't even send a message. It's not like public speaking fear; I can give a speech. My fear is in actually going outside and getting to the room to give the speech. And I'm not even afraid of people hurting me physically. Its the chance that they could get a negative opinion about me or start viewing me poorly. And that shows up even me I post online or just read replies to other people's posts. It doesn't even have to be in response to me, but seeing how toxic and ugly people can be (and how easily they choose to act that way and how many choose to) is painful me. And I try so hard to remember that other people's opinions don't matter; I know it, but I just can't seem to apply it to my feelings. I hate having emotion and being about to feel pain and fear. Literally everything apart of life just comes back to hurt me. I don't even like eating because I cannot remember anything tasting good and everything seems to upset my stomach (not all to the level of "I need a toilet", but at least slight discomfort which is discomforting). Everything else just seems like such a drag. In response to this I turned off my phone, stopped checking my email, and at minimum meals, but that just got my mom angry. Then I learned that because of Covid-19 quarantine we were doing online classes and because I hadn't been checking my stuff I was in danger of not graduating, which earned me more yelling to do stuff, which still doesn't make it any easier for me to do anything. Also have I mentioned that noise causes me great pain and then anger? Even the slightest at times. And then everything involving other people gives me more pain because I'm forced to preen I care about them and never given a choice. For example before the quarantine my graduation was coming up. I don't like ceremonie, but would have had to go because my relatives ( that I don't even like) were coming and the same people I don't like would have ended up being loud and taking up space in my house. I just feel so trapped in my own life. And I get that these aren't things normal people care about, but that doesn't change how I feel.

Simplemente ya no sé qué hacer. He pasado el mes solo durmiendo porque dormir me da el único alivio del dolor. Traté de pasar el tiempo jugando, pero después de un tiempo incluso supe lo que estaba haciendo y me detuve. Traté de ver videos divertidos de YouTube, pero dejaron de serlo tan pronto como apareció un anuncio y pude tomar un segundo para pensar en mi situación actual. Ni siquiera puedo dormir sin ser bombardeado por los pensamientos y el dolor. Ahora no puedo dormir y me asusto o me acuesto, así que termino teniendo que masturbarme solo para poner mi mente en un estado en el que apenas está pensando, y luego me siento asqueada conmigo misma de nuevo. Lo que tiene el efecto adicional de aterrorizarme a tomar drogas porque estoy publicando, terminaré siendo adicto y odio las cosas que cambian mi capacidad de pensar con claridad. Lo que una vez más me recuerda que soy mi peor enemigo. Ni siquiera puedo recibir un abrazo o contacto físico, porque odio tocar y a otras personas, y honestamente hay momentos en que quiero un abrazo, simplemente no existe nadie a quien me permita darme uno. Luego, cuando los familiares (en quienes ni siquiera confío o amo) me imponen uno, me siento incómodo y no me da el efecto que quiero.

La única solución que pude tener para terminar esto y alcanzar cualquier nivel de pieza fue morir, pero tengo demasiado miedo de morir y realmente no quiero hacerlo. Quiero decir, realmente desearía no haber nacido para no tener que sentir nada de esto. De hecho, tengo envidia de dos hermanos que tengo que murieron poco después del nacimiento, lo que a su vez solo me hace sentir más culpable por no querer estar vivo. Independientemente, no quiero sentir el dolor de la muerte. Si hubiera una opción para morir sin dolor o mientras dormía, lo tomaría en un instante. En este momento solo quiero saber si hay una manera de superar esto, alguna forma de llegar a la normalidad. Quería poder lograr cosas y terminar cosas. Quería ser escritor y tener éxito, pero en este momento no sé cómo llegar allí.
[/ CITAR]
me siento como tu

 

[Cashewmilk]

definitely sounds like depression and probably a personality disorder, because you describe anger. You're on the right track because you want to feel better and you acknowledge your pain. I would urge you to see a psychiatrist, if you can. You might actually benefit from it. It would be a shame to see you go if you can get help, you're still so young!