Does anyone else feel traumatized by their depression???

[StrawberryRed]

I have crazy anxiety/borderline panic attacks whenever I catch myself thinking in a ways I used to when I was worse. I cant look/watch anything mentioning suicide (Except for this website), because it makes me physically ill and terrified. It feels like my heart literally skips a beat. I get like flashbacks , like I'm there, and it ruins my week. Being reminded at all ruins my week. I been avoiding places I used to love over this. I've lost hours of sleep, and appetite over this. The worst was about 5 months ago and I feel like I should be past this stage by now yk? Has anyone else dealt with this and if yes how did u move on??? I feel like it's just me rn.

 

[UnnervedCompany]

I do and that is why I do not think about at that time and or only talk about them to someone I can feel vulnerable to. I avoid the things that were giving me trauma which were anything that relates to high school and long conversations with my mom (yes she literally gave me depression just from her toxic influence that I could not escape from.)

 

[Surai]

I try not to think of it, but I think of it all the time. And its tiring to ponder on it too long

 

[alienfreak]

Yeah, after one event where i almost ctb, where for a while i was 100% sure i was going to do it, even 10 years later i felt like it changed me forever. I still remember the distinct, dissociated state. I think it can definitely be a legitimately traumatic experience. I dont have the same reaction as you, but i did have flashbacks and a profound emotional reaction to it. Right now i mostly find it fascinating to remember it tbh. I dont know what it all means. I think back when i was in recovery i would be afraid to think about it and try to avoid the memory. The process of falling out of recovery and back to this suicidal state was sickening and terrifying as i realised it was all coming back and i would be back "here" almost like the emotional state is a physical place. Actually now while writing this, i realise that I do have a weird aversion to the physical place where i was at the time. I am afraid to even go back to my home country where it is because that family home reminds me of so much pain as i was rotting there for years.

 

[Leiot]

Me too. It's like meta-depression (depression about depression) and I can get caught up in it if I'm not careful.

 

[StrawberryRed]

Yeah, after one event where i almost ctb, where for a while i was 100% sure i was going to do it, even 10 years later i felt like it changed me forever. I still remember the distinct, dissociated state. I think it can definitely be a legitimately traumatic experience. I dont have the same reaction as you, but i did have flashbacks and a profound emotional reaction to it. Right now i mostly find it fascinating to remember it tbh. I dont know what it all means. I think back when i was in recovery i would be afraid to think about it and try to avoid the memory. The process of falling out of recovery and back to this suicidal state was sickening and terrifying as i realised it was all coming back and i would be back "here" almost like the emotional state is a physical place. Actually now while writing this, i realise that I do have a weird aversion to the physical place where i was at the time. I am afraid to even go back to my home country where it is because that family home reminds me of so much pain as i was rotting there for years.

Thank you like actually, I was feeling kinda lame/week considering it traumatic. You seem to be better now. Did you do anything specific or was it just time?

 

[pilotviolin]

Yeah, after one event where i almost ctb, where for a while i was 100% sure i was going to do it, even 10 years later i felt like it changed me forever. I still remember the distinct, dissociated state. I think it can definitely be a legitimately traumatic experience. I dont have the same reaction as you, but i did have flashbacks and a profound emotional reaction to it. Right now i mostly find it fascinating to remember it tbh. I dont know what it all means. I think back when i was in recovery i would be afraid to think about it and try to avoid the memory. The process of falling out of recovery and back to this suicidal state was sickening and terrifying as i realised it was all coming back and i would be back "here" almost like the emotional state is a physical place. Actually now while writing this, i realise that I do have a weird aversion to the physical place where i was at the time. I am afraid to even go back to my home country where it is because that family home reminds me of so much pain as i was rotting there for years.

yeah wow i have a similar story, i tried to ctb when i was young too and i was also really serious, i also remember this weird trance and dissociation i had before and after. i remember it was end of school year and in a dry, dreary summer. i associate most crappy events with warm weather, summer, last days of xyz, and holiday times, every summer i noticeably decline and i feel really depressed. i cant be around the feeling or stuff about the ctb method or incident without being really uncomfortable. i hate going back to the town i grew up in despite actually really liking some things about it. i feel generally really dissociated and find myself in places of the past totally immersed for a bit then back the emptiness instead of remembering that was me and in the past and in a chronological time in my being. discovering the cycle is awful, every summer being back in that state is so exhausting because logically i want to enjoy it, but my body and brain seems to have adapted to... whatever went on in those summers. im sorry its so awful you cant visit your home country. i hope things are a little bit better if not then at least different since moving.

to op, wow that sounds insanely stressful and tolling on your health!! im also sorry youre going through that. i honestly dont have much advice and i have been tackling some issues this summer again but ive been trying to enjoy little bits of things like i like to sit in the sun for an hour and i do feel okay and since i have moved its taken away a little bit of the edge. i dont know if im doing anything else right besides that. im not really sure for acute and intense episodes though, i hope someone else might have advice.