Venting Does anyone else have desires they're embarrassed about? Is anyone else expected to be smart?

[dhjsjdjdjdjhc]

I feel extremely mentally ill because of certain things that i like, there are things i haven't confessed to a soul (and feel too embarrassed to even confess here) because people would find it extremely weird and unsettling. I honestly feel horrible because of it and i want to know if anyone else feels the same way. Just by doing nothing I'm seen as crazy anyway, i think there's something incredibly messed up about me. My psychiatrist told me that she'll have to put me in a hospital if i cut again or she'll call my school, a new psychologist i tried out said to think of it like a illness and to tell my mom for help. I don't get it. I've never had anyone take me seriously before. In fact i adore my psychiatrist because she treated me like a simple patient, she was like a detective Interrogating a person and she got me to trust her before cornering me which made me incredibly happy. I'm happy that I'm treated as someone unstable for once despite always having people talk behind my back that I'm weird, all of them still treat me like a person but not my psychiatrist. I adore it, i adore it so much. So much so that i didn't cut myself just as she told me to because i wanted to see if she'll check my body before starting to cut again. It's like I'm playing chess instead of playing cards all by myself, this is way more fun. I get to choose when to behave instead of always having to behave, I'm seen as average and i secretly adore it. What a pathetic and saddening thing to feel, i feel happy because I'm actually getting help for once instead of hearing "you're aware so better yourself" because I've tried and it doesn't work. Something is wrong, something is truly wrong. God, i want to bang my head to a wall. Just something is wrong with me, it's wrong. Does anyone else feel this way? Is there anyone else who is expected to be a person despite everything working against them? Is there anyone else here that's expected to be smart too despite sucking deep inside?

 

[ropeburns&migranes]

I've felt like the first part, like no matter how normal I try to look people will always be able to tell that there is something wrong with me, especially when I was still in school. My condolences too, I'm sorry no one except seemingly one person around you takes your health seriously. That was what I was afraid of as well before my attempt, I guess I hid my illness well enough for my parents to not know a thing. Suicidal thoughts and self-harm are misunderstood even by professionals sometimes, I hope they'll all understand one day. I wish I could say more but I can barely comfort myself in situations like these. Let's hope for better days

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I want to be myself without being judged for it or called weird... I'm expected to be tough or to be like every girl and 'normal', but I don't even know the first thing to be in that way especially social... I don't want to be social. I like being alone, wanting to wear makeup, wear dresses, and express myself my way, even being giddy, but I'm made to be expressive all the time and it's too much... I've been suicidal since I was 8 I guess, even though I never realized it, but 14 was when it hit the cake of maddening isolation and departure into a reality that would eventually kill me from the inside out. turns out my 5 year old self was right. This world is a damn nightmare...

 

[Phosphorous 4]

I feel like the strangest human being on Earth, my mental health issues make me so uncomfortable to be around. People absolutely can pick up on it, I agree with you on that. My doctor that I actually met today was able to figure out whats wrong with me super quick by listening to me speak one or two sentences. It was kind of incredible. I said I can go days without sleeping and she knew I was dealing with Bipolar disorder. She's basically a wizard to me. People on the outside have no clue what that feeling of "wrongness" is like, I can't put my finger on what it is exactly ever, I can't explain it to anyone in any kind of meaningful way, but I know when I'm speaking to someone who also knows. I'm really happy to read your post because sometimes I really forget that I'm not the only person dealing with this miserable nonsense. Damn and I cut my frickin leg earlier today and it was like too deep and I had to figure out how to hide it so I don't cause problems for myself with my roommate, so I don't get sent to the psychiatric hospital. I know it only means so much when people say this but, I really do believe I understand you and you aren't completely alone.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I feel extremely mentally ill because of certain things that i like, there are things i haven't confessed to a soul (and feel too embarrassed to even confess here) because people would find it extremely weird and unsettling. I honestly feel horrible because of it and i want to know if anyone else feels the same way. Just by doing nothing I'm seen as crazy anyway, i think there's something incredibly messed up about me. My psychiatrist told me that she'll have to put me in a hospital if i cut again or she'll call my school, a new psychologist i tried out said to think of it like a illness and to tell my mom for help. I don't get it. I've never had anyone take me seriously before. In fact i adore my psychiatrist because she treated me like a simple patient, she was like a detective Interrogating a person and she got me to trust her before cornering me which made me incredibly happy. I'm happy that I'm treated as someone unstable for once despite always having people talk behind my back that I'm weird, all of them still treat me like a person but not my psychiatrist. I adore it, i adore it so much. So much so that i didn't cut myself just as she told me to because i wanted to see if she'll check my body before starting to cut again. It's like I'm playing chess instead of playing cards all by myself, this is way more fun. I get to choose when to behave instead of always having to behave, I'm seen as average and i secretly adore it. What a pathetic and saddening thing to feel, i feel happy because I'm actually getting help for once instead of hearing "you're aware so better yourself" because I've tried and it doesn't work. Something is wrong, something is truly wrong. God, i want to bang my head to a wall. Just something is wrong with me, it's wrong. Does anyone else feel this way? Is there anyone else who is expected to be a person despite everything working against them? Is there anyone else here that's expected to be smart too despite sucking deep inside?

Id say my situation is complicated. Am I expected to be smart probably because I've done smart things. Like go to medical school. That said nothing about my current life is commiserate with that like be homeless. People don't typically go to medical school and wind up homeless. I didnt fuck up my life I was robbed of it. I was a *victim* of crimes committed against me. When I reached out for help it's been a resounding chorus of you are smart figure it out. The issue is I've tried done everything I can. It's basically like trying to move an immovable object. Others could move it easily but they want me to be smart and figure out how. The issue is in restoring my life it is impossible or more apropos immovable for me. So I remain homeless, without opportunities, and without a life. It sucks because it's like help me or let me die. Living this life im already dead. This isn't really germane to what you said but it answers the question.