MrBrownUpsideD
Member
- Apr 9, 2023
- 56
I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid I could never quite relate to the concept of 'being grateful to be alive'. I have shared many happy moments with friends and family, but I could never confidently say they are worth the pain and exhaustion of day-to-day life. After 7 years of active suicidal ideation, 2 years of regular therapy, and a fruitless voluntary stay at the mental hospital for 3 months for diagnosis, I had finally given up all hope. Life can get easier, but it would never get easy. I would never have the energy to build a life that is worth living after taking care of minor but still incredibly exhausting every day responsibilities.
I planned on jumping in front of a train then and there. Yet I walked home, thinking I'm in no hurry to have an unsatisfying end. Instead, I would CTB 8 months from that point (for private reasons). With a method I could rely on that wouldn't traumatize innocent people. Leaving the stress of everyday life behind, and living out the remaining days of my one and only life genuinely and authentically. So I stopped going to class. I dropped my other plans/responsibilities. I lost a lot of weight because I wanted to know what it was like to have a body I don't hate before I died. I started frequently meditating in a local park, not caring about what passerbys thought about me, just enjoying the present moment. My mental health still got worse though. The moments where I felt like I was going crazy became more frequent. I couldn't bother hiding the apathy on my face anymore because I was just so tired. It became very hard to cry, and the tears would never last long. Some days it was hard to reconcile the fact that I would never know what it's like to have a life worth living. Other days it felt so incredibly freeing to know my suffering would soon be finally over.
Now I'm at month 8. I've spent the last couple weeks gaming and hanging around with childhood friends. Spending entire days in a call with them is the only time I ever truly feel like I have a place where I belong, with people who care about me as a person. Usually I'm much more quiet in real life, even in the presence of just my friends. But I think the sinking reality of everything allowed me to fully be myself, not caring about how my words come out or how I look, because I wanted to appreciate these last days with the only people that ever knew and cared about the real me as myself. The last day before everyone had to pick up their responsibilities again and step away from the computer came and went. I have already prepared my suicide note after writing and rewriting it countless times. Everything I need for my CTB method is ready. The place and date linger fresh in my mind, now I'm just waiting. The movie has ended, the credits are rolling. I could step through the dark exit right now. I'm only waiting because it just 'feels right' to wait until the credits are over and the screen goes black. I can confidently say I am ready to die and embrace the peace I've been longing for all these long, miserable years.
Then those horribly frustrating thoughts started popping up, just making everything more difficult. "What if you could hang around with people who like and care about the real you not just on these rare occasions, but every day?" "What if you could live like yourself every day?" "Would that be enough to endure the meaningless, exhausting everyday grind?" "You never had hope about losing weight until you pressed through and it became second nature - could life be the same?" "Nothing matters now, so why take everything so seriously?" "What would life be like if you started practicing taking life less seriously?" I couldn't believe all these thoughts started happening right before the finish line. My head kept pounding day after day, until I eventually started laughing through the first tears I've had in months.
I think I've finally suffered enough brain damage to lose my impulse control. I just start and finish things so effortlesly now. I speak and act confidently. I entertain all my impulsive little thoughts like buying a new camera, going swimming, getting a new haircut, deleting my socials, making this cringe fuckass post. I don't feel tired or hindered in any way by doing the smallest tasks anymore, including studying. I don't know if this mania is just some kind of after-credits scene. It doesn't matter. I'm just going to enjoy whatever this is, even if this feeling fades by the time my actual CTB date arrives. My way out is secure. I am free to live life with reckless abandon. After this, nothing will ever hurt anymore. I have nothing left to lose, and everything to gain. I'm not letting shame, doubts or pain rob me of this moment of being truly free
I planned on jumping in front of a train then and there. Yet I walked home, thinking I'm in no hurry to have an unsatisfying end. Instead, I would CTB 8 months from that point (for private reasons). With a method I could rely on that wouldn't traumatize innocent people. Leaving the stress of everyday life behind, and living out the remaining days of my one and only life genuinely and authentically. So I stopped going to class. I dropped my other plans/responsibilities. I lost a lot of weight because I wanted to know what it was like to have a body I don't hate before I died. I started frequently meditating in a local park, not caring about what passerbys thought about me, just enjoying the present moment. My mental health still got worse though. The moments where I felt like I was going crazy became more frequent. I couldn't bother hiding the apathy on my face anymore because I was just so tired. It became very hard to cry, and the tears would never last long. Some days it was hard to reconcile the fact that I would never know what it's like to have a life worth living. Other days it felt so incredibly freeing to know my suffering would soon be finally over.
Now I'm at month 8. I've spent the last couple weeks gaming and hanging around with childhood friends. Spending entire days in a call with them is the only time I ever truly feel like I have a place where I belong, with people who care about me as a person. Usually I'm much more quiet in real life, even in the presence of just my friends. But I think the sinking reality of everything allowed me to fully be myself, not caring about how my words come out or how I look, because I wanted to appreciate these last days with the only people that ever knew and cared about the real me as myself. The last day before everyone had to pick up their responsibilities again and step away from the computer came and went. I have already prepared my suicide note after writing and rewriting it countless times. Everything I need for my CTB method is ready. The place and date linger fresh in my mind, now I'm just waiting. The movie has ended, the credits are rolling. I could step through the dark exit right now. I'm only waiting because it just 'feels right' to wait until the credits are over and the screen goes black. I can confidently say I am ready to die and embrace the peace I've been longing for all these long, miserable years.
Then those horribly frustrating thoughts started popping up, just making everything more difficult. "What if you could hang around with people who like and care about the real you not just on these rare occasions, but every day?" "What if you could live like yourself every day?" "Would that be enough to endure the meaningless, exhausting everyday grind?" "You never had hope about losing weight until you pressed through and it became second nature - could life be the same?" "Nothing matters now, so why take everything so seriously?" "What would life be like if you started practicing taking life less seriously?" I couldn't believe all these thoughts started happening right before the finish line. My head kept pounding day after day, until I eventually started laughing through the first tears I've had in months.
I think I've finally suffered enough brain damage to lose my impulse control. I just start and finish things so effortlesly now. I speak and act confidently. I entertain all my impulsive little thoughts like buying a new camera, going swimming, getting a new haircut, deleting my socials, making this cringe fuckass post. I don't feel tired or hindered in any way by doing the smallest tasks anymore, including studying. I don't know if this mania is just some kind of after-credits scene. It doesn't matter. I'm just going to enjoy whatever this is, even if this feeling fades by the time my actual CTB date arrives. My way out is secure. I am free to live life with reckless abandon. After this, nothing will ever hurt anymore. I have nothing left to lose, and everything to gain. I'm not letting shame, doubts or pain rob me of this moment of being truly free
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