Discussion Does anyone here have BPD (or 'quiet BPD') but no social life? what is bpd like when alone ?

[ra1nw3rldd]

I ask this because im not diagnosed, but might have had a few reasons to suspect it in myself (& i think some people i used to talk to suspect that of me now)
However i've had no one to speak to regularily in person since last year (other than my parents), and my life has been very lonely since before then as well.
So there aren't many situations where the usual stereotypical BPD social behavior could even show up.

(In the few social examples i have, i personally might resemble what I've read about 'quiet BPD' more, for example I don't think I've ever really 'split' on my opinion of other people, but might feel bad / sick / paranoid about myself / how im perceived and withdraw)

But I'm not really asking for advice about myself, more to hear others' experiences

& hopefully learn a bit more about what the subjective experience of BPD feels like (epecially if anyone reading this is similarly isolated, since everything i can find online is from much more 'normal' people with social lives who thus have more examples to draw off of the more obvious BPD behaviors)

i was also curious if people have experiences with 'mirrorring' in absence of actual in-person interaction, like maybe if it happens with strangers on social media, celebrities / musicians you like or anything like that

(I'll add a bit more about myself below as well, you can stop here or keep reading if u care)

about BPD 'mirrorring'/ 'the Chameleon effect', what I've read online seems to imply like a total absence of individual identity, like not knowing what you like or dislike outside of what you reflect from other people
however, personally im a huge music nerd with very niche interests (which i might often overshare in an attempt to be likeable
i think i would be unable to 'mirror' most boring normal people who like sports for example
i might also be autistic lol)

and this is a bit blunt to say out loud, (but I don't think this is a very judgemental forum), i was also personally trying to differentiate between gender dysphoria and BPD dissociation / depersonalization / derealization, identity disturbance, self-hate, that kind of thing.
(and possibly mirroring twitter mutuals / or trying to regain social connections with people i used to talk to who are trans, that Seriously isnt my reasoning but it might look that to them since they think i have BPD lol my life fucking sucks)

anyway im asking cause i wanna hear about Other people's experiences, please do share below :

 

[Eternal Eyes]

I wasn't diagnosed with BPD, however, a school therapist I had in my teen years did suspect it, she initially assumed bipolar, but after monitoring my behavior a bit and a few counselling sessions, she said I probably had mild BPD. Her rationale on it been mild was the fact I could mostly control my impulses and was aware that my actions could be very problematic in social settings. I never got a formal diagnosis of it, but since coming here I've seen lots of BPD threads and found a high amount of general symptom overlap. It should also be noted that autism (specifically Asperger's) can be misdiagnosed as BPD, and I am diagnosed autistic.

I'm similar to you in that since leaving school almost 7 years ago I have virtually no social life. All I have are two old friends from over a decade ago, and two new friends I have (thankfully) made here. I do feel extremely lonely and I feel absolutely no one irl understands me. I honestly feel so withdrawn now that further friendships feel impossible, at least where I live and irl.

When i was a kid I had intense friendships, I'd often find myself arguing with people I liked online and offline, and I'd often be irrationally upset by their actions., I'd say I'm sensitive in general I fell in love when I was about 13, and that was awful, I tried very hard to impress that person at the expense of me, it basically ended with them saying I should kill myself....which wasn't fun.

I found whenever I had crushes they were nightmares, I'd get things like maladaptive daydreaming and I wouldn't even eat anything. I've fortunately not experienced that in years, hopefully never again. I'd just have intense romantic yearning that couldn't be quenched. Even now, I daydream sometimes about my last ex.

The last time I had an FP was 2020, it was an LDR with someone i am still friends with. The relationship sadly ended as it got way too intense and deep. I tried so hard to impress them, to make them happy, that I didn't realize I was driving myself insane from it all. I loved them so much they were all I could think about. Even to this day, I feel they're one of few people to actually understand me and love me. The good part is, through mindfullness and talking on both parts, we are now good friends again, and even though we argued sometimes, no bad blood was ever between us :)

I can very much relate to the "chameleon" part. I honestly feel deep down I am no one. I do not have dreams and a personality. I am just a product of what is around me and the people I speak to. I feel like nothing but an empty body, an imposter. Someone who isn't truly real. My main issues in my life atm are loneliness, a lack of local people who understand me, and very low self worth (I detest myself).

I probably do have BPD, but it's not really a problem since I have so few connections now I feel I won't get upset or distressed over them (as I know them so well) and I am beyond introverted irl. I do have my own hobbies and interests however, yet I felt bad I didn't share any interests with my last ex barring gaming, anime and foreign culture.

 

[tinyhotot]

Diagnosed BPD and have it pretty severely (also unmedicated if it helps to know).



When I get really bad manic episodes I tend to violently self isolate (always a messy situation, that) and dissociate and then end up physically alone for months at a time. When by myself I usually delve into severe maladaptive daydreaming and dissociation. In the times where the dissociated spells break or daydreams break its usually paired with a deep overwhelming sense of loneliness. I'll sometimes find myself online and I'll search around for a community or person to kind of latch on to. Without physical friends, I'll usually put a lot of emotional weight into one person (almost to an obsessive point).

Don't do what I do btw that's not healthy.

Personally I dont think I can think of any 'mirroring' instances? I'll slip into personas based on the social setting (being the soft sweet coworker at work, being the kind drunk girl in the bathroom at a party etc, when i went to church i was playing the part of the scripture jockey who had a verse or parable for EVERYTHING ew) but Im not sure if that's mirroring.

Also as for the gender dysphoria...i dont have an answer for that one. Personally i am trans (nonbinary/genderflux) but i've always been pretty firm on who i am. These might be separate things that your feeling but one is worsening the other if that makes sense?

Sorry for rambling, hope that helped even a tiny bit!!

 

[sugarb]

Not sure if BPD but it's pretty likely. one of my close online friends is diagnosed and we're very much alike. I'm autistic, high functioning and diagnosed young but led to believe I was just ADHD until last year.

I'm very solitary by nature and have zero interest in hanging out with people I don't particularly like.

I definitely mirror on occasion, much less nowadays due to being more isolated. I mostly mirror by altering my humor and studying things.

I've been acquaintances/friends with my school's star QB, dorky communist programmer, slackers, nonbinary witch, delinquent, trailer park girls, basketball players, etc etc. I created semi separate personas for each of these groups and often researched them online (ex: looking up trans slang, reading about famous strongmen). Not even really consciously. I have a strong sense of self, but I'm very adaptable socially speaking and can get along with and make myself more appealing to anyone I like.

I've also had two instances of having a "favorite person" and getting extremely, unhealthily emotionally attached in recent memory. First- had a crush. Literally thought about her all day every day for a while. Second- really liked a friend's personality. Literally bugged them so much asking why they were ignoring me they cut me off.

Googling quiet BPD, I tick most/all the boxes:

- internalizing intense emotions, keeping them to myself.
- criticize myself for other people's emotions.
- subtle self harm (I sometimes bite my arms. nowhere near hard enough to break skin, just leaves an imprint that lasts 5-15~ minutes.$
- fear of rejection/rejection (not as severe since there's little to nothing to be rejected/abandoned for but still present)
- difficulty connecting emotionally
- extreme mood swings that last hours/days

Disassociation and dpdr in general is a big thing for me but I'm not sure if that's BPD or tism

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I was misdiagnosed with BPD. It turns out that I actually have PTSD. I hang out with a decent number of people but have very few real friends.

 

[lovedread]

I ask this because im not diagnosed, but might have had a few reasons to suspect it in myself (& i think some people i used to talk to suspect that of me now)
However i've had no one to speak to regularily in person since last year (other than my parents), and my life has been very lonely since before then as well.
So there aren't many situations where the usual stereotypical BPD social behavior could even show up.

(In the few social examples i have, i personally might resemble what I've read about 'quiet BPD' more, for example I don't think I've ever really 'split' on my opinion of other people, but might feel bad / sick / paranoid about myself / how im perceived and withdraw)

But I'm not really asking for advice about myself, more to hear others' experiences

& hopefully learn a bit more about what the subjective experience of BPD feels like (epecially if anyone reading this is similarly isolated, since everything i can find online is from much more 'normal' people with social lives who thus have more examples to draw off of the more obvious BPD behaviors)

i was also curious if people have experiences with 'mirrorring' in absence of actual in-person interaction, like maybe if it happens with strangers on social media, celebrities / musicians you like or anything like that

(I'll add a bit more about myself below as well, you can stop here or keep reading if u care)

about BPD 'mirrorring'/ 'the Chameleon effect', what I've read online seems to imply like a total absence of individual identity, like not knowing what you like or dislike outside of what you reflect from other people
however, personally im a huge music nerd with very niche interests (which i might often overshare in an attempt to be likeable
i think i would be unable to 'mirror' most boring normal people who like sports for example
i might also be autistic lol)

and this is a bit blunt to say out loud, (but I don't think this is a very judgemental forum), i was also personally trying to differentiate between gender dysphoria and BPD dissociation / depersonalization / derealization, identity disturbance, self-hate, that kind of thing.
(and possibly mirroring twitter mutuals / or trying to regain social connections with people i used to talk to who are trans, that Seriously isnt my reasoning but it might look that to them since they think i have BPD lol my life fucking sucks)

anyway im asking cause i wanna hear about Other people's experiences, please do share below :

Btw you should also look into cptsd if you havent already, as you likely will have both if u have quiet bpd and the symptoms overlap a lot and are easily confused w each other. Dont want to invalidate but it is possible that you're experiencing more cptsd than qbpd

 

[ra1nw3rldd]

Btw you should also look into cptsd if you havent already, as you likely will have both if u have quiet bpd and the symptoms overlap a lot and are easily confused w each other. Dont want to invalidate but it is possible that you're experiencing more cptsd than qbpd

thabk you for suggesting that cause im reading about all these kinds of things atm

(you dont have to like reply to this or anything, im just gonna add some more about me in the thread)

for the record, tbvh, AuDHD is whats close to certain for me (one diagnosed one in the process of)
and i think the relationship & people issues of growing up with something like that could even be what for some people develops other issues like the ones we're talking about, (things like OCD, BPD, CPTSD maybe) or even just be the real core issue leading to behavior or experiences that could resemble that other stuff

but honestly my personal life is so empty that the closest metaphor would be like if somebody came out of solitary confinement they would be very fucked up possibly not even in ways classifiable by DSM categories

more about the identity stuff, i can feel a bit like a shattered mirror.
interestingly, someone on here whos Schizotypal posted about feeling like they genuinely 'inhabit' the narrator of any book they read & that it sticks to their psyche afterwards.
im not quite like that, but ive had moments of seeing photos of people where i can like weirdly relate as if i could be them, or they could be like family / related or something, and in between waking / falling asleep, or when alone, my mental self-image can like 'skinwalk' real people (and I remember an example of this from when i might have been 13 or so).
i feel more like a man afflicted with gender dysphoria than 'woman in a mans body', but maybe thats just cause im autistically blunt & unfeminine, literally have a male body and face and have that reinforced by the mirror and people around me, went to a boy's school for 7 years with no social life, uni over zoom in 2020 then part-time hometown jobs with no social life, etc like i dont even know any women (or men either) lol
yeah jm fucked

ive been up since 1am & have this urge to explain things & come out to the last person i messaged (but got no reply from) (one of the transgender trotskyists i used to be around last year) and then block everyone but that sounds more like retardation than BPD


(amyway i dont think anyone can really help me or diagnose me off my words alone, im still curious if anyone reading this wants to share their own subjective experiences below which have nothing to do with me:)

 

[ra1nw3rldd]

(Update: yeah, im pretty sure i don't have BPD, but i may have just acted or appeared to other people in ways that might have looked like it, and i wanted to at least rule it out because i related to some of the symptoms for other reasons.)

 

[nowhereknow]

I've been diagnosed with BPD by multiple healthcare professionals. It sucks and honestly the diagnosis hasn't really helped either. It does confirm I'm crazy though. Real crazy with no friends.

It feels like anytime I speak I just say something that immediately throws ppl off, because of that I just try to mimic other people speech patterns and interests. Oh you like this anime? I do to although I've never seen it but I'll make up some obscure fact about it so it'll seem like I know what I'm talking about.

I'm also hyper focused on everything a person says or does so I can adapt to how they are in what I think is an effort to make myself more likeable. The moment I realize they don't like me I immediately get depressed and start getting blunt or rude towards them.

The hard part about have BPD or any mental condition for me is knowing what is related to that condition and what isn't. Like am I just crazy? Is this bpd? What's going on? Either way, it doesn't really help me to identify it as I have no clue what to do with that information.