Does having a partner give you self-worth?

[Davey40210]

If you read some of my posts you could probably see I have been in pretty (well, very) bad shape the last few weeks. I was really at the end of it, wanting to die, and would have surely done so if I didn't have SI to mess up my partial suspension attempts. I had just royally f*ed up the relationship I had, with a wonderful, intelligent, loyal and gorgeous girlfriend that was ready to have a family with me. As in pretty much purposely destroyed it with the most horrible things. And realizing that I would never be with someone, and if I ever was I would mess that up as well.

Today, in the evening I started feeling kind of ok-ish. I didn't really realize it at first but somehow I was thinking, you know this date of 27 September I set for myself for full suspension (based on it being the anniversary of me and my ex gf), maybe I shouldn't do it because of this and this.

And then I was thinking: Why? Why do I suddenly feel terrible but not suicidal today? Despite being a 100% sure I will CTB soon?

And then I realized something.

I got a text this morning from a girl that she wants to go on a date with me Friday. I had been texting her for a little while but now she seems up to hang out. I didn't even register it and just texted her back this morning (I am texting with other girls as well) as sort of an automatism.

What if I am someone that basically ties their self worth to how "wanted" or "popular" or whatever?

Don't get me wrong - if I think about my ex and how she looked at me when she finally moved on, my heart feels like it breaks into a thousand pieces. Every time. As I write this I almost have to cry again. And I also realize that my ex is like a thousand times better than this girl, she doesn't seem like marriage/family material (my ex definitely was) but more like a party girl. But she is hot and young.

But yet - what is going on? Is it that simple that I basically need someone like that to "want" me to feel ok? And I feel suicidal if I don't get it?

Then I remember the times where I broke up with gfs in the past and wasn't so affected by the breakup. That was usually when I either already had or shortly after found a new girlfriend.

Am I some kind of narcissist that needs an admirer or something, and when I don't have it I fall into a deep hole? Or maybe its just normal that I don't want to be alone?

Do you have this? I'm really curious what you think. I'm so confused.

I'm also worried about putting way too much expectation on a single date.

 

[pyx]

i imagine it would. relationships demonstrate a level of social fitness qua our own desires which are held independently of any social contract

 

[-Link-]

It's a common thing for people, even neurotypicals, to rely too much on a partner for this.

Problems with self-esteem / self-worth will be at the root of this, of course... The lower it is, the more pronounced the effect... Making up for one's low self-worth by way of a partner -- this is a quick fix. But quick fixes tend not to last... You've gotta look internally for a fix that sustains over time... This is obviously a lot more challenging, time-consuming, requiring a sustained, concerted effort...

I'd look into self-guided online courses towards improving feelings of self-worth. At the very least for some different ideas or perspectives in looking at the situation. There's probably a lot of junk out there. Maybe look at mental health subreddits for recommendations. Likely not curative, but any improvement would be welcome. Much easier said than done, yes... But then, if it was so easy to do, nobody would be seeking out partners for that quick fix.

I can recall some of your prior posts about relationships. I know you're suffering something awful with this.

The heartbreak with lost relationships... Yes, maybe they turned cold. The thing to remember is that love was once there. If you could be loved once, you can be loved again. Yes, you are a lovable person. Try not to ever lose sight of that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not sure it makes you a narcissist. I think I'd be giddy with excitement if I had a date. If having a relationship is something we've always hoped for, it makes sense that it would feel like an important step towards that. Maybe it isn't great to set so much hope on anything. Whether that be relationships, a career, a purchase even. I suppose the trick is to have a balanced life and invest in multiple things so that if we fail to get or keep any one of them, it isn't so catastrophic. I've never managed that though. I tend to put all my eggs in one basket as they say. Good luck with it.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm sure it does for some people. For me I really hope it would but I know I still don't deserve self-worth and the benefits it brings.

Even if it doesn't then in the unlikely event that I get to see for myself whether that's true, then I promised I would do my best to make sure it works for me. If that doesn't work then I guess it really is over.

 

[Davey40210]

It's a common thing for people, even neurotypicals, to rely too much on a partner for this.

Problems with self-esteem / self-worth will be at the root of this, of course... The lower it is, the more pronounced the effect... Making up for one's low self-worth by way of a partner -- this is a quick fix. But quick fixes tend not to last... You've gotta look internally for a fix that sustains over time... This is obviously a lot more challenging, time-consuming, requiring a sustained, concerted effort...

I'd look into self-guided online courses towards improving feelings of self-worth. At the very least for some different ideas or perspectives in looking at the situation. There's probably a lot of junk out there. Maybe look at mental health subreddits for recommendations. Likely not curative, but any improvement would be welcome. Much easier said than done, yes... But then, if it was so easy to do, nobody would be seeking out partners for that quick fix.

I can recall some of your prior posts about relationships. I know you're suffering something awful with this.

The heartbreak with lost relationships... Yes, maybe they turned cold. The thing to remember is that love was once there. If you could be loved once, you can be loved again. Yes, you are a lovable person. Try not to ever lose sight of that.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

I'm sure it does for some people. For me I really hope it would but I know I still don't deserve self-worth and the benefits it brings.

Even if it doesn't then in the unlikely event that I get to see for myself whether that's true, then I promised I would do my best to make sure it works for me. If that doesn't work then I guess it really is over.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

Thing is I knew it about myself already from the previous two relationships and did my best. But the same thing happened. And after two years of therapy and losing the last part of my heart to her I'm ready to give up now.

I'm not sure it makes you a narcissist. I think I'd be giddy with excitement if I had a date. If having a relationship is something we've always hoped for, it makes sense that it would feel like an important step towards that. Maybe it isn't great to set so much hope on anything. Whether that be relationships, a career, a purchase even. I suppose the trick is to have a balanced life and invest in multiple things so that if we fail to get or keep any one of them, it isn't so catastrophic. I've never managed that though. I tend to put all my eggs in one basket as they say. Good luck with it.

Thanks I appreciate that. I'm not giddy at all. And not hoping for anything. I don't know what I feel except sadness. Just noticed a slightly lifted mood yesterday which coincided with the message confirming the date. But today is back down. Yesterday night I also slept only two hours because I was on this site and then I cried until 6am. My therapist from the last two years also said I'm for sure not a narcissist but I'm checking since some of what I'm doing sure seemed to fit the bill. But as someone else said it's maybe just unconscious low self esteem. I want to destroy my happiness because I somehow don't think I deserve it. Whatever, I will never figure it out. It's a Sisyphean torture pushing up the stone and watching it fall down, until I die.

Hope you find a way to spread your investments as you say.

I'm not sure it makes you a narcissist. I think I'd be giddy with excitement if I had a date. If having a relationship is something we've always hoped for, it makes sense that it would feel like an important step towards that. Maybe it isn't great to set so much hope on anything. Whether that be relationships, a career, a purchase even. I suppose the trick is to have a balanced life and invest in multiple things so that if we fail to get or keep any one of them, it isn't so catastrophic. I've never managed that though. I tend to put all my eggs in one basket as they say. Good luck with it.

Thanks I appreciate that. I'm not giddy at all. And not hoping for anything. I don't know what I feel except sadness. Just noticed a slightly lifted mood yesterday which coincided with the message confirming the date. But today is back down. Yesterday night I also slept only two hours because I was on this site and then I cried until 6am. My therapist from the last two years also said I'm for sure not a narcissist but I'm checking since some of what I'm doing sure seemed to fit the bill. But as someone else said it's maybe just unconscious low self esteem. I want to destroy my happiness because I somehow don't think I deserve it. Whatever, I will never figure it out. It's a Sisyphean torture pushing up the stone and watching it fall down, until I die.

Hope you find a way to spread your investments as you say.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, a partner would do nothing to my self worth. I think that my self worth is high and that it'll stay high on its own as the only person who I need validation from is myself. I want to die, not because of self loathing, but because I believe that I deserve better than this life. I believe that permanent non existence is better than being alive and that's what I deserve as I deserve the best. I'll always think this regardless of whether I'd get a partner or not

 

[Davey40210]

No, a partner would do nothing to my self worth. I think that my self worth is high and that it'll stay high on its own as the only person who I need validation from is myself. I want to die, not because of self loathing, but because I believe that I deserve better than this life. I believe that permanent non existence is better than being alive and that's what I deserve as I deserve the best. I'll always think this regardless of whether I'd get a partner or not

Ok thank you. I always thought I have high self esteem and confidence too but then I noticed my actions and feelings and now I'm not sure.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[Gangrel]

it's not everything but it sure helps a lot

 

[nux_walpurgis]

For me having a boyfriend gives me a bitr self worth and eases my social anxiety for some reason? I don't particularly like my boyfriend but having him makes me feel like I have accomplished something, and I am normal, like other people.
I know I am horrible for lying to him basically, and having him just to make my self feel better, but yeah. it is what it is.

 

[avoid]

Sometimes you need someone you can trust to help you accept yourself. And if you're not ready to accept yourself yet, you can find solace in knowing that you significant other is able to see you for the magnificant person you are. Sometimes you need to look at yourself through the eyes of others.

 

[enduringwinter]

No

 

[justpathetic]

It shouldn't. I find having to care about others just makes me feel more guilty.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I love my bf to pieces and he always gushed over how much me loves me but my self-worth has kind of just stayed the same. My self-esteem is low and it'll probably always stay that way.