There were two therapists who were pretty concerned about my safety and health when I signaled them I don't know any way out except suicide in the longrun but I am not acute suicidal. I think one of them quit her job because it burdened her too much.
I am not sure whether the psychiatrist who quit her job still cares about my case or whether it is too traumatic. I think she tried to distance herself.
I reached out for help from the other one. I assume he thinks I am not that suicidal anymore but I am still planning to do it when I relapse.
I barely have contact to him anymore but I always thought he was able to understand me. I feel somewhat comforted that someone cares about my case. He cares a lot. But it is no major relief. I had the feeling my other former therapist who gave me up forgot me after 5 minutes after I left the room. She was an horrible therapist and made me feel worse and gave horrible advices.
The notion that people care about my case who I barely have contact with does not comfort me that much. At the same it is infuriating if therapists absolutely don't care about your fate and they treat you badly. So especially in this comparison there is an actual difference in their quality of work.
I felt comforted when people in this forum told me I regularly read your threads and thought about you. I appreciate that a lot. The difference is in this forum I can be fully honest and fully transparent. In front of therapists I still have the facade not showing on how convinced I am on the topic suicide. This honesty also makes a huge difference. Moreover probably noone does that but if you read hundreds threads of mine especially the ones about my mental torment you probably have a better picture of my life and pain than some therapists. I revealed as much as what was necessary to maximize the benefit during therapy. But due to the fact I was given up I have never ever opened up again that I seriously plan to kill myself when I relapse.
I want to emphasize I mean people who you barely interact with you. But they know your whole life story what you have been through and that you are going through a lot of pain daily. That life always is a struggle.
I think if there is absolutely noone who does that in your life this must feel nightmarish. But personally I did not benefit that much compared to the support of my friends who I actually interact with.
I think one could connect that to praying for someone. Would it comfort you if someone prayed for? There was someone who made like spiritual prayers (non religious) for members of this forum. I did not really understand why but that was very popular. I heard everyone has a sense for higher meaning and spiritualism in oneself. Similary to the fact that every human has a sene for music or at least a potential to grow that. And depending on your life experiences some develop a strong connection to music or spiritualism. I barely have a sense for any of these two. I like listening to music but I am horrendous at playing instruments. And I actually don't like playing an instrument. I lost my faith when I felt a very severe guilty conscience (also pathological but amplified by religion) for suicidal thoughts. It was a relief to lose my faith. The notion there is a life after death scares me. I recently watched a philisophy video and the philosopher pretended like it was normal that all humans were scared about nothingness and that there is a natural desire for an afterlife. Well certainly not in my case. Nothingness comforts me. And the thought of higher beings rather scares me.
I am not sure whether the psychiatrist who quit her job still cares about my case or whether it is too traumatic. I think she tried to distance herself.
I reached out for help from the other one. I assume he thinks I am not that suicidal anymore but I am still planning to do it when I relapse.
I barely have contact to him anymore but I always thought he was able to understand me. I feel somewhat comforted that someone cares about my case. He cares a lot. But it is no major relief. I had the feeling my other former therapist who gave me up forgot me after 5 minutes after I left the room. She was an horrible therapist and made me feel worse and gave horrible advices.
The notion that people care about my case who I barely have contact with does not comfort me that much. At the same it is infuriating if therapists absolutely don't care about your fate and they treat you badly. So especially in this comparison there is an actual difference in their quality of work.
I felt comforted when people in this forum told me I regularly read your threads and thought about you. I appreciate that a lot. The difference is in this forum I can be fully honest and fully transparent. In front of therapists I still have the facade not showing on how convinced I am on the topic suicide. This honesty also makes a huge difference. Moreover probably noone does that but if you read hundreds threads of mine especially the ones about my mental torment you probably have a better picture of my life and pain than some therapists. I revealed as much as what was necessary to maximize the benefit during therapy. But due to the fact I was given up I have never ever opened up again that I seriously plan to kill myself when I relapse.
I want to emphasize I mean people who you barely interact with you. But they know your whole life story what you have been through and that you are going through a lot of pain daily. That life always is a struggle.
I think if there is absolutely noone who does that in your life this must feel nightmarish. But personally I did not benefit that much compared to the support of my friends who I actually interact with.
I think one could connect that to praying for someone. Would it comfort you if someone prayed for? There was someone who made like spiritual prayers (non religious) for members of this forum. I did not really understand why but that was very popular. I heard everyone has a sense for higher meaning and spiritualism in oneself. Similary to the fact that every human has a sene for music or at least a potential to grow that. And depending on your life experiences some develop a strong connection to music or spiritualism. I barely have a sense for any of these two. I like listening to music but I am horrendous at playing instruments. And I actually don't like playing an instrument. I lost my faith when I felt a very severe guilty conscience (also pathological but amplified by religion) for suicidal thoughts. It was a relief to lose my faith. The notion there is a life after death scares me. I recently watched a philisophy video and the philosopher pretended like it was normal that all humans were scared about nothingness and that there is a natural desire for an afterlife. Well certainly not in my case. Nothingness comforts me. And the thought of higher beings rather scares me.
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