Venting Does suicidal ideation ever truly goes away?

[leaftomb]

I've had suicidal ideation for years now, but I always convinced myself something would take it away from me. Maybe I just need to leave this school. Maybe I just need to leave this town. Maybe I just need to go out and experience things, make a friend or two. Now, I am finally away from the town I've spent my entire life in, I'm going out, meeting people, even making friends. But everything still brings me back to suicide. I can't do anything without somehow being reminded that I will kill myself in the end and it won't matter anymore. I have to admit I find some strange comfort in imagining my death, but I did have some hope this feeling would go away once I got what I wanted. Maybe I need more time, or maybe I will always feel like this now. I've thought of suicide so much already that I won't ever be able to take it out of my mind unless I do it, or something else takes me first. I don't know what to do.

 

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

It's possible that some external factor will take it away from you, it did for me temporally. But I've dealt with suicidal thoughts my whole life and all I can say (from my personal experience) is that it will never fully leave you. Do things that prevent them from overtaking you, not to fully get rid of them. Exercise, meditate, engage in hobbies, practice mindfulness, etc. I just hope it doesn't eventually take so much away form you that you're left unable to fix anything in your life, like it did me.

Wishing you the best

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

I remember leaving my apartment for school one day, and just wanting to jump off a building and die. My mom and I had fought like usual. So I went to the top of this building and found the roof access locked, unfortunately. I broke down crying. I was around 12 years old. Since then I struggled with suicidal ideation. I stuck a pipe cleaner in an outlet one time. Tried to fall asleep with a bag over my head. Threatened to jump in front of a train. Sliced my arm open. I've had a rough upbringing living in foster care and group homes. Life never felt made for me. These days it's all that much clearer, I have no abilities that shine through and give me direction in life. I'm a loser who watches tv all day. Yet, luckily I've managed to finally get my hands on inert gas and I plan to use it. So to answer your question, for the most part, suicidal ideation sticks with you because we suffer with a lot of internal problems external solutions don't necessarily fix. Most of the time external factors can make things worse, but I find time and change to these factors doesn't necessarily make the internal war go away. Internally we are facing a monster that comes out and waves at us, summoning us so that he can speak sweet nothings into our ears. It's confusing, because he's a monster yet we're so persuaded by him. He grows with us, adapts to us, changes us, and welcomes us like nothing else has ever. This monster is suicidal ideation and I stopped calling him a monster, now he's my friend. Real friends never really go away.

 

[MatiSendiri]

I've had suicidal ideation for years now, but I always convinced myself something would take it away from me. Maybe I just need to leave this school. Maybe I just need to leave this town. Maybe I just need to go out and experience things, make a friend or two. Now, I am finally away from the town I've spent my entire life in, I'm going out, meeting people, even making friends. But everything still brings me back to suicide. I can't do anything without somehow being reminded that I will kill myself in the end and it won't matter anymore. I have to admit I find some strange comfort in imagining my death, but I did have some hope this feeling would go away once I got what I wanted. Maybe I need more time, or maybe I will always feel like this now. I've thought of suicide so much already that I won't ever be able to take it out of my mind unless I do it, or something else takes me first. I don't know what to do.

Time is the forgotten ingredients in recovery. Take your time, find your own peace first, then deal with your suicidal ideation if you need be.

For me, the ideation can go away but its so hard that its better to make it your friend. Ever heard of chronic suicidality?