Makko
Iä!
- Jan 17, 2021
- 2,430
That's how anything suicide-related works in the corporate world. It's a faux pas to bring up the subject at all, even in relation to a news article or anything distracted, let alone talking about your own views on the matter. In some industries this becomes more obvious than in others.
In the attorney sector, suicidality typically comes to you in two situations: when you're failing, or when you're succeeding too much.
I haven't thought about this until I had this unexpectedly candid conversation a few weeks ago. He was a former colleague who changed jobs about a year ago, as he didn't like the political slant of our place and wanted something purely business-oriented. As a pure consultant, he bills 3500 hours per year, which would require an effective work year of about 4500-5000 hours. This means a work week of about 90-100 hours. For reference, one year contains about 8736 hours in total, and the work year of an average 9-5 wage slave is about 1800 hours.
We were having your average catch-up networking AW on the terrace of a quaint side-street restaurant, the sort with tiny round tables and cute flower arrangements on the facade. These used to be empty during most of the pandemic, but now that the restrictions relax, this is the first kind of place people flock back to first. Surprisingly, he wasn't late to the appointment and didn't look different from his usual.
After finishing his fifth beer while I was still on my first, he began confessing in a calm voice. How the evening time with his kids turned from 20 minutes per kid to 3 minutes per kid. How he has booked a sports evening last week with his old friends, but didn't watch a moment of the game because he spent the evening proofreading a contract on his phone. How he had to operated for a stress-related stomach ulcer and how many billable hours he lost because of that. How, despite his income, he doesn't have a penny of savings because everything is consumed by the lifestyle (he owns a Lamborghini and like 5 Rolex watches but that's hardly "savings"). He didn't go into details about his relationship with his photomodel girlfriend (for obvious reasons) but I've talked to her some time ago and apparently he's not doing so hot the few nights a month she gets to spend with him. And, finally, how much he thinks about death. He thinks about suicide every free moment he has.
I asked him if he's going to change jobs again, and he will. I don't know the statistics of that firm but he's probably a top performer there, and if you've ever known a top performer you know they can't simply relax their gears and become mediocre for the sake of health. It's easier to self-destruct. So he's going to switch from an attorney to general counsel (a role with no billing requirements and a largely 9-5 workday) at some manufacturing company. His effective pay will be about 1/3 of what it is now and he's going to become poor and miserable, and probably get in debt. Can high-earners be poor, miserable and in debt? Well, remember that he has no savings. The 100% cost life isn't something you can abandon overnight even if your salary now can only support 33% of it.
Even so, it's better than feeling like he feels now. It's better than getting a nervous breakdown or another stomach ulcer. It's better than being overwhelmed by the suicidal ideation and making it reality.
I just listened and gave vaguely affirmative replies without talking about my own stance on the topic. He was breaking a taboo and he wouldn't do that if he didn't think I'd understand, so I didn't have to confirm or deny anything out loud. He was both right and wrong. I do understand, but my reasons are different. I'll never find out what anyone thinks about my reasons because I'll never share them with anyone the way he did that evening. His story didn't touch me emotionally like I think he hoped it would, and like I pretended it did, but it's been on my mind.
In the attorney sector, suicidality typically comes to you in two situations: when you're failing, or when you're succeeding too much.
I haven't thought about this until I had this unexpectedly candid conversation a few weeks ago. He was a former colleague who changed jobs about a year ago, as he didn't like the political slant of our place and wanted something purely business-oriented. As a pure consultant, he bills 3500 hours per year, which would require an effective work year of about 4500-5000 hours. This means a work week of about 90-100 hours. For reference, one year contains about 8736 hours in total, and the work year of an average 9-5 wage slave is about 1800 hours.
We were having your average catch-up networking AW on the terrace of a quaint side-street restaurant, the sort with tiny round tables and cute flower arrangements on the facade. These used to be empty during most of the pandemic, but now that the restrictions relax, this is the first kind of place people flock back to first. Surprisingly, he wasn't late to the appointment and didn't look different from his usual.
After finishing his fifth beer while I was still on my first, he began confessing in a calm voice. How the evening time with his kids turned from 20 minutes per kid to 3 minutes per kid. How he has booked a sports evening last week with his old friends, but didn't watch a moment of the game because he spent the evening proofreading a contract on his phone. How he had to operated for a stress-related stomach ulcer and how many billable hours he lost because of that. How, despite his income, he doesn't have a penny of savings because everything is consumed by the lifestyle (he owns a Lamborghini and like 5 Rolex watches but that's hardly "savings"). He didn't go into details about his relationship with his photomodel girlfriend (for obvious reasons) but I've talked to her some time ago and apparently he's not doing so hot the few nights a month she gets to spend with him. And, finally, how much he thinks about death. He thinks about suicide every free moment he has.
I asked him if he's going to change jobs again, and he will. I don't know the statistics of that firm but he's probably a top performer there, and if you've ever known a top performer you know they can't simply relax their gears and become mediocre for the sake of health. It's easier to self-destruct. So he's going to switch from an attorney to general counsel (a role with no billing requirements and a largely 9-5 workday) at some manufacturing company. His effective pay will be about 1/3 of what it is now and he's going to become poor and miserable, and probably get in debt. Can high-earners be poor, miserable and in debt? Well, remember that he has no savings. The 100% cost life isn't something you can abandon overnight even if your salary now can only support 33% of it.
Even so, it's better than feeling like he feels now. It's better than getting a nervous breakdown or another stomach ulcer. It's better than being overwhelmed by the suicidal ideation and making it reality.
I just listened and gave vaguely affirmative replies without talking about my own stance on the topic. He was breaking a taboo and he wouldn't do that if he didn't think I'd understand, so I didn't have to confirm or deny anything out loud. He was both right and wrong. I do understand, but my reasons are different. I'll never find out what anyone thinks about my reasons because I'll never share them with anyone the way he did that evening. His story didn't touch me emotionally like I think he hoped it would, and like I pretended it did, but it's been on my mind.
