don't have enough courage to hang myself

[monetpompo]

welcome to my attention seeking title post

i've been in my closet for 2 hours trying to hang myself because i'm really upset today and don't want to wake up tomorrow but i can't do it no matter how many times i put my head in the noose and lower myself. why can't i do it, even though today is such a bad day for me? why am i still here even though i'm miserable? it hurts too much in the first few seconds and even if it's a method that would definitely work, i'm too afraid to. i hate being so afraid and i hate the pain of the rope pressing into my neck. but you need the pain in order to kill yourself. why can't i just do it? i was so sure a few months ago, now i can't. my life is meaningless enough for me to have a good reason to kill myself, since no one would need me or miss me once i did. everyone would forget about me and the world would keep going, because nothing changes when just one person is dead.

i can't think of another method besides drowning. i've been stuck trying to hang myself for a long time and i hate not being able to do it. every time i just go back to my bed and lay down. i want to be strong enough to hang myself. i want to be able to die, but everything seems to cause pain. i feel stupid that i can't even do this. everyone else is better than me. i just want to be dead but nothing seems accessible to me. i don't want to be stuck hanging myself then taking my noose off forever. i don't want to keep feeling like scum. i just want to fade into nothingness.

 

[rs929]

Welcome to the club. Too afraid to live, too afraid to die. You're not alone. Hopefully we find a way out together, one way or another

 

[fedup1982]

Dying is fking hard!!!

And hanging is a terrible way to go. The pain of the rope isn't even half of it. When your body realises it's being starved of oxygen, primal SI kicks in and the unreal God awful panic sets in and you'll wish you had given yourself a way out. It's absolutely definitely not remotely peaceful like some people say

 

[lilies.in.heaven]

Hey, it's ok

This is one of the very difficult methods. Hanging, jumping, drowning... These are real life dangers that your primitive brain developed to avoid at all costs

I also felt a lot of fear when I was trying to jump in front of a train (although in my case I do have a reason not to ctb, my mother)

Don't rush it. Suicide doesnt need to be that way

 

[PI3.14]

You're not alone in this, many of us here are working on gathering our courage to go with it. Some of us have been trying for years.

Dying is never easy.

 

[monetpompo]

Hey, it's ok

This is one of the very difficult methods. Hanging, jumping, drowning... These are real life dangers that your primitive brain developed to avoid at all costs

I also felt a lot of fear when I was trying to jump in front of a train (although in my case I do have a reason not to ctb, my mother)

Don't rush it. Suicide doesnt need to be that way

You're not alone in this, many of us here are working on gathering our courage to go with it. Some of us have been trying for years.

Dying is never easy.

thank you both for the comforting words. i feel really frustrated today and even more frustrated that i can't go through with a method i keep telling myself i do. i kind of feel like a loser for making a post so that i can get comfort. i just really want people to understand how difficult things have been for me and how often i wish that i could just die. people die every day but i can't for some reason. there's no divine force keeping me alive. there's nothing i look forward to each day. every day i hope that i die somehow, but even with months of suicidal ideation, i can't kill myself. pro-lifers feel joy that a stranger they don't care about is alive while people in my life look down on me for not wanting to improve. when you're young, you expect your death to matter to people, but it feels like no one has the capacity to care until you're dead.

 

[kuj00]

thank you both for the comforting words. i feel really frustrated today and even more frustrated that i can't go through with a method i keep telling myself i do. i kind of feel like a loser for making a post so that i can get comfort. i just really want people to understand how difficult things have been for me and how often i wish that i could just die. people die every day but i can't for some reason. there's no divine force keeping me alive. there's nothing i look forward to each day. every day i hope that i die somehow, but even with months of suicidal ideation, i can't kill myself. pro-lifers feel joy that a stranger they don't care about is alive while people in my life look down on me for not wanting to improve. when you're young, you expect your death to matter to people, but it feels like no one has the capacity to care until you're dead.

Never feel like a loser for wanting and needing the comfort you deserve, you are wanted and im sure any member here would be more than happy to comfort you

 

[itsgone2]

thank you both for the comforting words. i feel really frustrated today and even more frustrated that i can't go through with a method i keep telling myself i do. i kind of feel like a loser for making a post so that i can get comfort. i just really want people to understand how difficult things have been for me and how often i wish that i could just die. people die every day but i can't for some reason. there's no divine force keeping me alive. there's nothing i look forward to each day. every day i hope that i die somehow, but even with months of suicidal ideation, i can't kill myself. pro-lifers feel joy that a stranger they don't care about is alive while people in my life look down on me for not wanting to improve. when you're young, you expect your death to matter to people, but it feels like no one has the capacity to care until you're dead.

You're not alone. I tried partial a few times and it wasn't close for me either. It can be done but very difficult it appears. I have fsh ready. I've stood there a few times. I do fear the pain but also fear the future so why can't I do this. I hope something changes for us.

 

[Worndown]

If ending it all was easy, this site would not exist.
People do it when it is "bad enough" another day is not tollerable. A pretty high bar.
Dreading another day might not be enough in your situation.
I am sorry you got this low.

How are you today?

 

[MyShadow]

welcome to my attention seeking title post

i've been in my closet for 2 hours trying to hang myself because i'm really upset today and don't want to wake up tomorrow but i can't do it no matter how many times i put my head in the noose and lower myself. why can't i do it, even though today is such a bad day for me? why am i still here even though i'm miserable? it hurts too much in the first few seconds and even if it's a method that would definitely work, i'm too afraid to. i hate being so afraid and i hate the pain of the rope pressing into my neck. but you need the pain in order to kill yourself. why can't i just do it? i was so sure a few months ago, now i can't. my life is meaningless enough for me to have a good reason to kill myself, since no one would need me or miss me once i did. everyone would forget about me and the world would keep going, because nothing changes when just one person is dead.

i can't think of another method besides drowning. i've been stuck trying to hang myself for a long time and i hate not being able to do it. every time i just go back to my bed and lay down. i want to be strong enough to hang myself. i want to be able to die, but everything seems to cause pain. i feel stupid that i can't even do this. everyone else is better than me. i just want to be dead but nothing seems accessible to me. i don't want to be stuck hanging myself then taking my noose off forever. i don't want to keep feeling like scum. i just want to fade into nothingness.

Take comfort in knowing that there are people here who support you and understand your pain and frustration.

 

[Off_Switch]

You need to liquor up. I'm wasted right now and feel infinitetly more courageous to off myself.

 

[ifihadnever]

You are not alone. I always thought I could hang myself- would be over quickly- what could go wrong......
My overthinking brain that got stuck in some kind of paralysis and just couldn't do it. Killing yourself is a lot harder than i thought (for me anyway). You are not alone. We automatically want to survive no matter how much pain we are in.....I wish my 'survival instinct' would bugger off! Sorry you are having such a hard time of it

 

[Kitsune_BCN]

You can seek all the attention u want. This is why we are here for .

I cant, for the life of me, think about priving my brain of oxygen. I know at the end all methods are exactly this but hanging is like

Just breathe and think that theres a lot of ppl in the same boat

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

I lost against my SI on my last fsh attempt. Doesn't matter how much research I do on how to do it right, my body refuses to even practice again. It's not out of my list yet but I sure lost faith on the method (or maybe I lost my faith in my self).

 

[monetpompo]

i've been in my closet for 2 hours trying to hang myself because i'm really upset today and don't want to wake up tomorrow but i can't do it no matter how many times i put my head in the noose and lower myself. why can't i do it, even though today is such a bad day for me? why am i still here even though i'm miserable? it hurts too much in the first few seconds and even if it's a method that would definitely work, i'm too afraid to.

i sat on the floor of my closet again and closed my eyes, trying to work up the courage to do it and not back out. i always try to tell myself that i'm not allowed to leave the closet until i hang myself and die, but that's not good enough motivation. i coughed and gagged and i would put one foot back on the stool again. i didn't get anywhere close to dying, because i didn't want to take my feet off the stool still. i feel so small for not going through with it again. it feels like i'm lying to everyone when i say i want to commit suicide and i can't go through with it for even a minute. i hate that i still expect it to be easy and then i get afraid in the same exact way. the reason i want to die is that i feel like nothing, and if i die i become "something" to the people i'm close to, even if it's just a dead person. i keep clinging to the idea that i'll be loved once i'm dead, and everything will be wonderful. i just want people to finally want me around.

a part of me wants to go back inside my closet just to sit with my thoughts, like i'm not allowed to do anything but keep sitting there until i decompose. i've been taking sips of water, but i haven't been eating. i feel nauseous and i don't want to puke. this loneliness won't go away just from me talking about how much i want to die. i wish that there was someone i could go to so that i can feel better at all. sometimes i just feel like a small, whimpering thing that wants to be crushed under someone's foot. no matter how much i think that i deserve to die, i can't seem to kill myself. i wish that someone would check up on me and see me trying to decompose myself. i don't want to be seen as a burden for being so suicidal. none of my attempts seem serious enough. none of my reasons seem good enough. i don't want to become a productive member of society because i feel too off putting and undesirable.

 

[treeckofan]

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. I was feeling very impulsive when I tried to hang myself last month, but it still took me almost a full day to actually take both feet off the chair. I think it's survival instinct that makes it so hard.

I've also felt similarly about thinking everything will be wonderful once I'm dead.

I understand wishing that someone would check up on you. By posting here, you are reaching out. My account is new, but I've been lurking here for a while. Please know you are not alone.

 

[webb&flow]

i wish that there was someone i could go to so that i can feel better at all.

you can message me if you want someone to talk to :)

If you end up talking to me and later decide you don't want to keep messaging, I respect that too :) But I share some of the concerns you have, so I believe you could help me heal as well.

I know you're under a lot of pressure and pain right now. If you feel conversation would ease anything for you—then by all means!—you have the explicit warrant & right to message me :)

Feel free to ask me any more questions or concerns you have about this idea, and I can answer for you. I believe in you monetpompo ^^ I do not see you as a burden but someone who is deserving of compassion. Salutations :)

it feels like i'm lying to everyone when i say i want to commit suicide and i can't go through with it for even a minute.

your pain is real no matter what, friend. When you say "I want to commit suicide", you are saying "I am in deep unbearable pain." Just because you are in such pain, and find it difficult to do harm to yourself, does not mean that your pain is not real. You don't have to do anything to validate your pain—because it simply is, and it is real to you, and your neurons. So you don't have to "prove" your own pain, because it is already real regardless.

It seems that attempting suicide right now is causing you more pain. It's really scary, I agree.

No hurry, no rush. You don't have to do anything right now.

Hesitation towards doing scary things is not weakness, but rather a love for good things and an aversion to things we don't want.

You have written much on the good things that you desire—love, companionship, and to have the right to exist. I am here to tell you that these are very possible to obtain, and are actually abundant in this world—even if they are difficult to acquire at times.

I have experienced some of the concerns you have written about—on maturity, on the fears of the effects of extended stillness, and feeling conflicting emotions intensely.

Message me at will, and I will respond to you. My sentiments with you, monetpompo ^^
and also it might feel like "I will never get over this, even if I turn back now"—but the truth is, our mind is really really good at flushing out emotions (Particularly if you feel emotions intensely). I will explain. In my own experience with emotions; light drives out darkness as aggressively as darkness drives out light. In other words, just as experiencing the most intense moments of joy does not make one immune to pain—experiencing the most intense moments of pain does not limit one at all from future joys.

Perhaps one day, you may randomly remember this—but not until after realizing how long you had forgotten it for. In other words, your ability to forget may surprise you.

So you are not chained to the past, but only hold the reins of the present. This is true indeed :) and I have found it to be so.

Message me if you have any more questions on this! Keeping you in mind :)
Human interaction and social engagement is breath for life, so do not feel any more reproach for seeking its sweet taste than you do the refresh of water or the openness of air—it is your right and a good treasure of life :)
Human interaction and social engagement is breath for life, so do not feel any more reproach for seeking its sweet taste than you do the refresh of water or the openness of air—it is your right and a good treasure of life, realize your wish for it is not a sign of weakness but a sign of virtue and appreciation for what is truly good in life :)
And a side note. Your headline is honest, not at all "attention-seeking". All people seek attention—it is simply human to do so. You are not "being attention seeking" but expressing genuine emotions. This will aid healing, being able to express like this. Wishing you well. Please take it easy, I mean it most dearly.

Please let us know how you feel tomorrow too, I hope to hear from you, personally :)

Sincerely
Webb
P.S. Also my fellow human, this is quite literally one of the most brutal ways to go. If you feel shock or hesitation at this, this is not some weird side effect or "weakness", but an inherent property of this particular way of death. That means if the idea of it disturbs you now; it will only disturb you further if it is done as well. I really don't want you to end up in a situation where you are fighting the laws of physics instead of conflicting emotions. I cannot think of a worse way to be, to go.

If you feel ANY hesitation at all, then know that waiting a little does not have any negative effects. There is no rush, no pressure. If you are not totally cool with it; then please don't force yourself to.

The world is full of fellow lonely people like you, who are willing to love you and remain by your side; who will not flinch at your pain, but rather draw closer to you in the times you truly need it. We divide ourselves at time, but in our isolation it is all too easy to forget that chances continue to grow and blossom, in all seasons, in all times.

Friendship can come at any moment, and can stay for life. I would love to hear how you personally feel and view the world, so feel free to write it here or in a message to me.

I wonder what you are thinking of now :) Wishing you will!

P.P.S. I like to check up on a few people I know here. I read a couple threads of yours, and was planning a reply to you earlier actually. So yeah. If you want to join my circle of correspondence—well guess what, you're already in it >;)

Take it easy! Try grabbing a snack and a quick drink of water right now and tell us how it goes. Hope you enjoy the refreshment~!