Dont want to get better.

[pauly369]

I havent eaten for around 5 days now and cant be bothered going out to the stores.
My phone is switched off 99% of the time, and I only use it to text my Sister because if I dont keep in touch she will suspect something is wrong.
All I do is sleep now as much as I can because sleep is my only escape from the torment of my existence.
I dont even want to get better anymore.
If it wasnt for the fact that Im staying alive for my sister , I could happily starve to death and rot away in my bed.

 

[Halfhourdays]

Relatable.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

 

[DivineSpark]

I want to get better but I dont think I can.....struggling for last 8 years, it would require miracle...in order to get better.

 

[Nobody'sHero]

I have been through extreme ups and downs since I was around 15 (now 29), I've notice myself getting tired of this shit. Before I wanted to be good and was fighting, now I don't feel like fighting...

 

[everyday struggle]

Same here. I think the only benefit trying to get better would bring is a false sense of security—that my life is somehow livable or good. Every now and then, I'll start feeling happy for a couple of hours, only to slowly come back to the realization of how absolutely shit my life is. Honestly, I'd rather feel sad all the time and actually be aware of how bad my situation is than have some delusional sense of worth

 

[0bebe0]

I'm always amazed that some people decide to keep living only to keep their family away from grief after your demise.
I don't want to be mean in any way, I'm just curious. If life is truly miserable for you, do you think you will get better or that your sister will miss you anyway?
Me, personally, would not choose to keep living this horrid life just to make someone happy.
One of my closest relations broke after we decided that I will really harm this person if I CTB, so we don't talk anymore, just to keep this person "safe"

 

[pauly369]

I'm always amazed that some people decide to keep living only to keep their family away from grief after your demise.
I don't want to be mean in any way, I'm just curious. If life is truly miserable for you, do you think you will get better or that your sister will miss you anyway?
Me, personally, would not choose to keep living this horrid life just to make someone happy.
One of my closest relations broke after we decided that I will really harm this person if I CTB, so we don't talk anymore, just to keep this person "safe"

Yes, it is crazy to keep suffering for the sake of not hurting others.
I often wonder if they would be as sad as I imagine they would be if I ctb.

I have been through extreme ups and downs since I was around 15 (now 29), I've notice myself getting tired of this shit. Before I wanted to be good and was fighting, now I don't feel like fighting...

Yes, it gradually eats away at you until theres no fight left in you.
Sorry youre going through it too.

I want to get better but I dont think I can.....struggling for last 8 years, it would require miracle...in order to get better.

Yes, you reach a certain point when you just know that its almost pointless in trying anymore.
Been struggling since aged 8.
Sorry youre struggling too.

 

[LAPD]

I've tried for years to get better. Whether self-help books, pills, or exercise, nothing has filled the void. I managed to keep myself together (barely) throughout university but now am just completely defeated and demotivated. I don't have any urge to try anything now. I have basically given up.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish to sleep, I understand feeling so tired of it all, I'd personally never wish for this torturous, futile existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[hhtroc]

Same here. I think the only benefit trying to get better would bring is a false sense of security—that my life is somehow livable or good. Every now and then, I'll start feeling happy for a couple of hours, only to slowly come back to the realization of how absolutely shit my life is. Honestly, I'd rather feel sad all the time and actually be aware of how bad my situation is than have some delusional sense of worth

So real, i have never been as afraid as I have been while actively suicidal but i am an idiot if i think that my life, where I am a target, have to just worry and obsess and avoid so much for so little, is worth living. I am not panicky all the time and it already feels like delusion. I don't want to accept any of this. I felt awake while not accepting this. Like I had some control. Don't wanna go back into hiding.

 

[pauly369]

Same here. I think the only benefit trying to get better would bring is a false sense of security—that my life is somehow livable or good. Every now and then, I'll start feeling happy for a couple of hours, only to slowly come back to the realization of how absolutely shit my life is. Honestly, I'd rather feel sad all the time and actually be aware of how bad my situation is than have some delusional sense of worth

Same here, except Ill feel relatively ok for a day or two only to descend back into the pit of despair.
Those good days always bite you on the ass because they are setting you up for a fall.

 

[getoutgirl]

I feel you. I have been there. In that darkness. Phone off, isolating from everyone I can, barely eating, sleeping as much as posible and just barely dreading my way through every waking hour. It is extremely hard in that situation to find any reason to keep living, or even to want to get better. Don't blame yourself for that if you ever think of doing so. I'm just so sorry for what you are going through and the pain you carry right now.

I also think you are a great sister, and an incredibly kind and empathetic person if you are putting up with this anguish just for her. I have done that too and it sometimes feels like a chain, an unwelcome anchor to a world you no longer like to be in, but it is also a reminder of your humanity and goodness, even if it's harder to accept that. And it is. But I'm glad your sister is there, and that you are here for her. Cherish her when you find the strenght.

Take care <333

 

[pauly369]

I feel you. I have been there. In that darkness. Phone off, isolating from everyone I can, barely eating, sleeping as much as posible and just barely dreading my way through every waking hour. It is extremely hard in that situation to find any reason to keep living, or even to want to get better. Don't blame yourself for that if you ever think of doing so. I'm just so sorry for what you are going through and the pain you carry right now.

I also think you are a great sister, and an incredibly kind and empathetic person if you are putting up with this anguish just for her. I have done that too and it sometimes feels like a chain, an unwelcome anchor to a world you no longer like to be in, but it is also a reminder of your humanity and goodness, even if it's harder to accept that. And it is. But I'm glad your sister is there, and that you are here for her. Cherish her when you find the strenght.

Take care <333

Thank you for your kind words.
They mean a lot to me.