I'm an insane person I draegged myself to a party yesterday. Now I want to die more than ever.
First comes of course the torture of seeing healthy, lightheaerted people my age dance, drink, make out, do drugs and be deeply immersed into to the hedonic, mesmerizing play of colourful light, hypnotic electronic music and the air of the lush late summer's night. Then the pain of meeting people from my former life. It wasn't even that bad when I was there but today.. it's too much. A friend showed me photos he had taken of me during 2022/23.. this poor fucker (me) really had no clue what he was in for. Life was so rich, full of friends, interesting projects and events, literally everyone I made aquaintance with liked me and wanted to hang out with me in that era. And now look at me. I'm not even a shell of my former self anymore. I'm like the once proud martians in on of Philip K Dick's stories that arrive to earth as a dying race in desperate search for help and resources but aren't even recofnized by humans because they look like dry leaves and discarded debris. Fucking shit, this is so unreal. This life is just a playground for pure fucking evil manifesting itself through my suffering.
I met an old aquantaince of mine yesterday a hippie guy in his late 60s with long grey beard and hair your real life gandalf, who spends his days cooking meals for political events while ingesting innumerable beers and blunts througout the day. He lives on a shoestring social rent but the guy couldn't have a more blissful existence floating through the days in a haze of booze and weed while significantly contributing to our city's activist infrastructure and being admired by all the young people ad a veteran of the movement who was there during the wild days of the 70s protest campaigns around germany. A guy apparently on the margins of society yet drifting on a cloud of benevolent hedonism and generous attitude. He didn't recognize me in the dim light of the spot I approached him asking him how he's doing and it hurt me because we had frequented the same social circles in the last years and were on very good terms of mutual respect and sympathy. I'm sure him not recognizing me was a mix of the imperfect light, my newly outgrown beard and his advanced state of joyfull intoxication but it still hurt me. I'm already being forgotten and replaced by a new cohort of enthusastic young people doing cool, intetesting shit around town and I'm on my way to oblivion, leaving but a faint - if mildly favourable - echo in the circle of the people I not so long ago was an essential, respected and admired part of.
Witnessing your social and spirtual annihilation long before any hope for actual physical deliverance from the pain of this deteriorating existence is indeed the worst fate that can befall man in his lifetime. I never would have thought this a possibility and now, only one year after the first domino fell and started the chain reaction that obliterated me to a squirming miserable figure reminiscent of some kind of gollum like creature doomed to rot within the nethermost, coldest and moldiest caverns below the unatainable human surface world that somewhere in the distance still lets through an ocassionsl beam of treatcherous light sparking painflul longing and home sickness in my petrified heart, now I really know what absolute misery, what pure spiritual death and anihilation really means. There is no way to redemption because there's nothing left to redeem. Just blackness ever black. The dawn of eternal damnation.
First comes of course the torture of seeing healthy, lightheaerted people my age dance, drink, make out, do drugs and be deeply immersed into to the hedonic, mesmerizing play of colourful light, hypnotic electronic music and the air of the lush late summer's night. Then the pain of meeting people from my former life. It wasn't even that bad when I was there but today.. it's too much. A friend showed me photos he had taken of me during 2022/23.. this poor fucker (me) really had no clue what he was in for. Life was so rich, full of friends, interesting projects and events, literally everyone I made aquaintance with liked me and wanted to hang out with me in that era. And now look at me. I'm not even a shell of my former self anymore. I'm like the once proud martians in on of Philip K Dick's stories that arrive to earth as a dying race in desperate search for help and resources but aren't even recofnized by humans because they look like dry leaves and discarded debris. Fucking shit, this is so unreal. This life is just a playground for pure fucking evil manifesting itself through my suffering.
I met an old aquantaince of mine yesterday a hippie guy in his late 60s with long grey beard and hair your real life gandalf, who spends his days cooking meals for political events while ingesting innumerable beers and blunts througout the day. He lives on a shoestring social rent but the guy couldn't have a more blissful existence floating through the days in a haze of booze and weed while significantly contributing to our city's activist infrastructure and being admired by all the young people ad a veteran of the movement who was there during the wild days of the 70s protest campaigns around germany. A guy apparently on the margins of society yet drifting on a cloud of benevolent hedonism and generous attitude. He didn't recognize me in the dim light of the spot I approached him asking him how he's doing and it hurt me because we had frequented the same social circles in the last years and were on very good terms of mutual respect and sympathy. I'm sure him not recognizing me was a mix of the imperfect light, my newly outgrown beard and his advanced state of joyfull intoxication but it still hurt me. I'm already being forgotten and replaced by a new cohort of enthusastic young people doing cool, intetesting shit around town and I'm on my way to oblivion, leaving but a faint - if mildly favourable - echo in the circle of the people I not so long ago was an essential, respected and admired part of.
Witnessing your social and spirtual annihilation long before any hope for actual physical deliverance from the pain of this deteriorating existence is indeed the worst fate that can befall man in his lifetime. I never would have thought this a possibility and now, only one year after the first domino fell and started the chain reaction that obliterated me to a squirming miserable figure reminiscent of some kind of gollum like creature doomed to rot within the nethermost, coldest and moldiest caverns below the unatainable human surface world that somewhere in the distance still lets through an ocassionsl beam of treatcherous light sparking painflul longing and home sickness in my petrified heart, now I really know what absolute misery, what pure spiritual death and anihilation really means. There is no way to redemption because there's nothing left to redeem. Just blackness ever black. The dawn of eternal damnation.
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