Eating disorder

[strawberrypinkloves]

I fucking hate myself. No matter how much I weigh I won't see myself as skinny enough. Or enough at all. I gained a bit of weight since winter. But there's that nagging voice in my mind telling me that I've just gotten fat. I can't help it. No matter what I do I'll always be fat. Even at my lowest weight (109 lbs at around 5'7) I haven't felt any better. I've lost my period, my relationship with my family has worsened, I don't know. A part of me wants to give up on being healthy and going back to what I know. I can't live like this. I want to end it all so bad.

 

[always_sad]

I hear you. I'm the same way so I can relate. I thought I was fat even at my lowest weight, which was objectively very low. I had gained weight and I feel really horrible about it. People in my family and doctors congratulated me on "becoming healthier" and it was really triggering. Sometimes it feels like my only motivation to live is to go back to my lowest weight out of spite.

 

[strawberrypinkloves]

I hear you. I'm the same way so I can relate. I thought I was fat even at my lowest weight, which was objectively very low. I had gained weight and I feel really horrible about it. People in my family and doctors congratulated me on "becoming healthier" and it was really triggering. Sometimes it feels like my only motivation to live is to go back to my lowest weight out of spite.

Finally, someone who relates, that feels so breathtaking. Recently people have been remarking on how i "look better" and "you're healthier" but I don't see it, or feel it. My friend joked that I was allowed only "1 tic tac a day" (kinda funny I admit) but it hurt. still, ive jumped from 500-700 calories a day to 1500-1700 (which is still relatively low for the amount I exercise per day). I hate it though. Recently I've been spiraling back to 1300. I just want to love myself. But the food guilt keeps creeping in on me.

 

[intintint]

I feel you so much. When I gained weight I wanted to trap myself and never see the world. It's also funny how the loss of control in food dominoes into the rest of your life, huh? My life was pretty ordered when I controlled every bite I ate, but it became such an awful mess since. Controlling food and purging made me feel so proud of myself, like I was actually finally worthy, and could do something well. But it'll get better after a while, you'll start thinking less about the weight, I promise, even though the eating disorder will always come say hi at your lowest times, sort of like an old friend.

 

[strawberrypinkloves]

I feel you so much. When I gained weight I wanted to trap myself and never see the world. It's also funny how the loss of control in food dominoes into the rest of your life, huh? My life was pretty ordered when I controlled every bite I ate, but it became such an awful mess since. Controlling food and purging made me feel so proud of myself, like I was actually finally worthy, and could do something well. But it'll get better after a while, you'll start thinking less about the weight, I promise, even though the eating disorder will always come say hi at your lowest times, sort of like an old friend.

Thank you so much for the reassuring words :) I'll keep that in mind. I've made it my goal to quit purging and I've stopped for about 2 weeks, and have gone 2 weeks without a proper binge. I can just hope it gets better.

 

[futurecorpse]

This is so relatable. I know what it feels like to still not be enough despite losing weight and looking slimmer. The voice never shuts off and I find that it's the loudest after I eat and I'm full/bloated. It tells me that I shouldn't have ate and I need to purge or take a bunch of laxatives. It's so exhausting. I've moved across the eating disorder spectrum – from anorexia to binge eating to bulimia to purging. It's been 1,305 days since I had a full on binge and 43 days since I made myself sick. It does get better, but I need to consistently work at it. Easier said than done, and some days are harder than others. Needless to say, you are not alone in this battle. It's not like alcoholism where you can abstain from the bottle. Maybe, before you eat, you can write down positive reminders that you need to nourish yourself and give your body what it needs, what it deserves. And when you eat, you can read those reminders over and over again. I'm sorry people haven't been supportive of your recovery. I see you, and I understand how hard the journey to overcome an ed is. You are not alone.

 

[milkteacrown]

I understand! They forced me to gain weight at the hospital and it's only made things worse for me. I feel very fat and only wear baggy clothes now that I'm no longer underweight.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'd say I've had borderline eating disorders in the past. I absolutely relate to feeling obsessive about food, weight and fat.

I used to have massive trouble with binging urges and I'm always conscious how easy it would be for me to return to that. I was mostly overweight my whole life except for a time where I lost over 5 stone. My periods also stopped for about a year I think it was- which was amazing. Awful when they returned though!

I wish I knew what to say to make it better. I suppose I could try to frighten you out of it with all the health risks but, I suspect you already know them. I understand that the compulsion to look a certain way is so strong though. I discussed with a friend once how frightening it actually was that we were prepared to accept certain things- even though it was clear they weren't good. Bones protruding all over your body. Losing your breasts. Periods stopping. Even some negative health risks. I wonder if my gallstones originated from that time.

Are you seeing a professional about it? Therapist or doctor? Is it something you want to start addressing?

 

[strawberrypinkloves]

I understand! They forced me to gain weight at the hospital and it's only made things worse for me. I feel very fat and only wear baggy clothes now that I'm no longer underweight.

The urge to wear baggy clothes is so relatable. It's to the point I get upset over the smallest things like my old clothes no longer fitting me :(

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'd say I've had borderline eating disorders in the past. I absolutely relate to feeling obsessive about food, weight and fat.

I used to have massive trouble with binging urges and I'm always conscious how easy it would be for me to return to that. I was mostly overweight my whole life except for a time where I lost over 5 stone. My periods also stopped for about a year I think it was- which was amazing. Awful when they returned though!

I wish I knew what to say to make it better. I suppose I could try to frighten you out of it with all the health risks but, I suspect you already know them. I understand that the compulsion to look a certain way is so strong though. I discussed with a friend once how frightening it actually was that we were prepared to accept certain things- even though it was clear they weren't good. Bones protruding all over your body. Losing your breasts. Periods stopping. Even some negative health risks. I wonder if my gallstones originated from that time.

Are you seeing a professional about it? Therapist or doctor? Is it something you want to start addressing?

I'm seeing a professional but I have to open up about it. I dunno. Not many people know and I'd like to keep it that way for now unless it gets way worse.

This is so relatable. I know what it feels like to still not be enough despite losing weight and looking slimmer. The voice never shuts off and I find that it's the loudest after I eat and I'm full/bloated. It tells me that I shouldn't have ate and I need to purge or take a bunch of laxatives. It's so exhausting. I've moved across the eating disorder spectrum – from anorexia to binge eating to bulimia to purging. It's been 1,305 days since I had a full on binge and 43 days since I made myself sick. It does get better, but I need to consistently work at it. Easier said than done, and some days are harder than others. Needless to say, you are not alone in this battle. It's not like alcoholism where you can abstain from the bottle. Maybe, before you eat, you can write down positive reminders that you need to nourish yourself and give your body what it needs, what it deserves. And when you eat, you can read those reminders over and over again. I'm sorry people haven't been supportive of your recovery. I see you, and I understand how hard the journey to overcome an ed is. You are not alone.

Thank you so much <333 the road to recovery is a long one. But I'll make it, I don't wanna give up yet.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I have never seen myself at a "normal" weight. Even when I lost a significant amount of weight, I never saw it. I only realized it later when looking at photos. I have never been satisfied with myself at any size ... that's part of this illness :( nothing is enough.

I have been struggling with an eating disorder (mainly anorexia-type, not binge eating) for decades. Because of this, I was hospitalised a few years ago and started to recover, but here we are again... The fact that my ex-husband, whom I have to live with, comments on my eating every day has a significant impact. He disguises everything as a joke, and this has been going on for months. And now I'm back at this point again...

For us, my lifestyle is actually better overall, but that doesn't matter to him. In reality, I am seriously overweight and should lose weight, but it's impossible because years of disordered eating have damaged my metabolism. I try to fight these thoughts, but right now, it feels impossible, and I know where this is leading again.

I'm stuck in this cycle because what I eat or don't eat is the only thing I feel I can control in my life right now. And yet, in reality, I'm not even the one in control, the eating disorder is.

I wish you and everyone else struggling with this much strength!

 

[strawberrypinkloves]

Thank you so much <333 I wish you all the best as well. Much strength and much love to fight this disorder <333

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

You need food.

I fucking hate myself. No matter how much I weigh I won't see myself as skinny enough. Or enough at all. I gained a bit of weight since winter. But there's that nagging voice in my mind telling me that I've just gotten fat. I can't help it. No matter what I do I'll always be fat. Even at my lowest weight (109 lbs at around 5'7) I haven't felt any better. I've lost my period, my relationship with my family has worsened, I don't know. A part of me wants to give up on being healthy and going back to what I know. I can't live like this. I want to end it all so bad.

I feel for you. You need food. You're probably destroying your hormones by not eating enough. I hope you're at least taking a multivitamin, but if you put yourself into starvation mode, then you'll definitely feel extra terrible. Our ability to regulate emotions is highly tied to being sufficiently fueled.

You won't always be fat. You need to alter your relationship with fat and see it not as something that is awful terrible unsolvable, but something that helps protect you from starvation. I feel the same way, and I feel disgusting as a weightlifter when I get too heavy. But I also know it will only be temporary and I can easily shave it off later, then build it back. And also having a bit of fat on you makes you more attractive.

Like, there's a way you can know what your healthy weight is. There's calculators online. You know that your brain is just fucking up and not perceiving your body properly. So what if you just try not to look at it, find how many calories you're supposed to eat to just slightly gain weight slowly until you're at a health weight?

We have the facts. We have the data. We know what weight is healthy and what is not. If you trust those calculators more than your brain, maybe that could help? It'll be a slippery slope the less you eat, the less stable you'll be, the less capable you will be of healing.

 

[Custos]

I'm similar, lowest my BMI has been is just bellow 14, I want to get back there, I stopped caring about life and started eating again but I hate myself for it. I was happier when I hadn't eaten for days and the hunger stopped. Part of me thinks everything people say about a health weight is nonsense. Nonsense to normalise those that are overweight, if you're 20+ you're just plain fat.

 

[strawberrypinkloves]

You need food.

I feel for you. You need food. You're probably destroying your hormones by not eating enough. I hope you're at least taking a multivitamin, but if you put yourself into starvation mode, then you'll definitely feel extra terrible. Our ability to regulate emotions is highly tied to being sufficiently fueled.

You won't always be fat. You need to alter your relationship with fat and see it not as something that is awful terrible unsolvable, but something that helps protect you from starvation. I feel the same way, and I feel disgusting as a weightlifter when I get too heavy. But I also know it will only be temporary and I can easily shave it off later, then build it back. And also having a bit of fat on you makes you more attractive.

Like, there's a way you can know what your healthy weight is. There's calculators online. You know that your brain is just fucking up and not perceiving your body properly. So what if you just try not to look at it, find how many calories you're supposed to eat to just slightly gain weight slowly until you're at a health weight?

We have the facts. We have the data. We know what weight is healthy and what is not. If you trust those calculators more than your brain, maybe that could help? It'll be a slippery slope the less you eat, the less stable you'll be, the less capable you will be of healing.

Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words. I've been working towards a healthier weight, or atleast attempting to put back on the muscle I've destroyed. I appreciate the fact my family caught on earlier. As of right now I'm at a healthier weight than before, and can only hope that one day I don't associate food with fat

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words. I've been working towards a healthier weight, or atleast attempting to put back on the muscle I've destroyed. I appreciate the fact my family caught on earlier. As of right now I'm at a healthier weight than before, and can only hope that one day I don't associate food with fat

Good. I'm glad to hear you're getting help and progressing. I like to maintain a six pack, but I'm a bit chunky right now after refeeding the last couple months, because my last ctb was largely due to starvation for too long; so, trust me, I speak from experience on starvation and food. It's fine to associate food with fat, just the demonizing the fat is the problem. And the worse you mess up your hormones, if you get too skinny and starve too much, the more your body will WANT to store fat, because you'll make it think it's dying. Maintaining a healthy weight will ultimately keep you less fat in the long run, then your body feels fine and doesn't feel like it needs to store as much fat. :)

 

[strawberrypinkloves]

Good. I'm glad to hear you're getting help and progressing. I like to maintain a six pack, but I'm a bit chunky right now after refeeding the last couple months, because my last ctb was largely due to starvation for too long; so, trust me, I speak from experience on starvation and food. It's fine to associate food with fat, just the demonizing the fat is the problem. And the worse you mess up your hormones, if you get too skinny and starve too much, the more your body will WANT to store fat, because you'll make it think it's dying. Maintaining a healthy weight will ultimately keep you less fat in the long run, then your body feels fine and doesn't feel like it needs to store as much fat. :)

Understood. Thank you for the kind advice )

 

[strawberrypinkloves]

I'm similar, lowest my BMI has been is just bellow 14, I want to get back there, I stopped caring about life and started eating again but I hate myself for it. I was happier when I hadn't eaten for days and the hunger stopped. Part of me thinks everything people say about a health weight is nonsense. Nonsense to normalise those that are overweight, if you're 20+ you're just plain fat.

For me, I don't really see it that way for other people. I only see myself as "fat", regardless if I weigh less than others. Idk. It's confusing.

 

[slightoverlooked]

i relate so much :(( this disorder is 24/7 on my mind. im so sorry ur going thru this

 

[Custos]

For me, I don't really see it that way for other people. I only see myself as "fat", regardless if I weigh less than others. Idk. It's confusing.

Yes same, for me it's in principal and for me of course. If I see someone who is say 22\23 I don't view them as fat. I would certainly see myself as overweight though, I'm the highest I have been in a long time, currently around 19. When I look at myself in the mirror all I see if fat, I wouldn't call myself obese at the moment, but I need to lose weight. Had another binge today, not going to eat until Tuesday, but I doubt it will help, need to put more effort into losing weight.

 

[manicstreetbeeper]

i don't really refer to myself as having an eating disorder, but eating makes me feel emotionally like crap if it's not in a small amount, like i've made a mistake and every emotion comes back stronger. i see every incentive in starving myself at this point; on the chance i don't die, maybe i'll look good or i'll feel like i'm less a part of existence.

 

[WanderingTiger]

Eating disorders are truly terrible. I have one for different reasons, and it manifests in a different way. I am so selective with food that I can go for hours without eating; I can even imagine being able to go days without food if there wasn't something I could eat. I eat extremely little, and I honestly don't know how I'm still alive today. I probably don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'm quite thin because of this disorder and definitely below my ideal weight, which is certainly harming my health. This is also one of the reasons I want to escape this existence. You are not alone in this struggle, and I understand how much suffering it brings. I wish you find your peace, regardless of your choice.