Eating disorders & addiction

[Bpdbunnyyy]

I've been an addict since I was 12, my parents wanted me doped up it was easier to deal with me that way I guess. I was never in control of anything in my life, which is how the eating disorder developed. Now I get a euphoric high from starving myself. I wish it didn't take so long to die this way because other than the weakness it does feel nice when the hunger pains stop. I'm tired of trying to get better it doesn't seem to last long. I want to be understood so bad but I feel like the trauma has caused so much brain damage I can't even communicate how I feel about anything. Trauma makes me dissociate, whether thinking about it or talking about it. It's just fucking hard, I want people to know addiction and ED hurts me so bad, mental health and being suicidal hurt so bad but I can't get the words out. I can only hurt myself at this point to feel better, it's like the pain inside hurts so bad I need to physically do something to get it out. I'm just tired and I know this is incoherent ED and dissociative rambling. If anyone wants to talk my DMs are open I could use someone who relates.