another part of it is my expectation of future unhappiness
even if i were to improve some of my horrible medical issues that I haven't treated at all due to poverty and fear of doctors and hospitals, I still don't think i would be happy
i also feel incredibly victimized by how i was treated when i was involuntarily hospitalized and there's no resolution for that. feeling like i was victimized by the mental health industry... what's the solution? using more of my resources and time engaging with the mental health industry? that's literally the standard solution. i likely have ptsd from that hospital, and the solution to ptsd caused by the mental health industry would be MORE mental health industry, there's not a solution that doesn't make me feel more exploited and victimized
i'm also really angry about how i was treated, both in terms of being the victim of sexual violence and how i was treated by my captors. I can't even talk about these things in any treatment context given how unstable i am without ending up in a very similar situation again, locked up and exploited
so there's no low-risk medical interactions i can have; any interaction with any doctor puts me at risk of cruel treatment. additionally, although I was never diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder, it was debated when I was involuntarily hospitalized as to whether I could have that, and in certain states that alone can be justification for holding someone in a facility indefinitely. The standard is somewhat murky, but a facility that wanted to hold me could just slap a label like that on me, add in some other stuff, and hold me forever. Any contact with a doctor is a risk of psychological torture for me. It's too risky and it's better me to just stay away.
I can't objectively imagine they wouldn't lock me up if I were honest with them. If I were a doctor and a patient came in and said "I'm suicidal and really angry, I'm planning on ending my life sooner or later but could impulsively do it at any point, I have no problem with medications but I hate doctors and will not see doctors or medical professionals on an ongoing basis because I hate those fucks, did I mention I am angry and feel victimized?" I think if I were a doctor I would be ethically bound to hospitalize that person. There's no good option for me other than not doing anything and just eventually committing suicide.
i have about 5 major medical problems right now that I know of that I am neglecting that aren't psychiatric, I don't really have the money to deal with them. And like, why endure all that pain... for what? Some solutions to medical problems would likely involve pain. I want to die anyway. Who am I going to date? How do I date as someone horrible violently victimized during sex who has flashbacks during sex, who sometimes has panic attacks during sex? I'm always going to be alone, I want to be alone at this point.
How can I have friends? "Oh are you dating anyone?" How do I answer that? I am not fun, I am miserable, it's toxic and people don't want to be around it, and there's really no way around that. My career sucks and my career trajectory and financial wellness were negatively impacted by being involuntarily held. It just sucks, I really got nothing out of being involuntarily held except more psychological trauma and I'm now too distrustful to even deal with that because treatment involves the very sort of mental health professionals who were my captors and were cruel to me. On the positive side, at least I didn't develop Stockholm Syndrome.
I think the likelihood of my being happy in the future is close to a 0 percent chance. I feel like the amount I have to work to live and the amount of happiness I get in return is exploitative of me. I feel like I am being victimized by society. I actually would like to work part-time, but I can't do that. There's disability and if you work even a little, it's nearly impossible to get back on it.
I am also always scared of forced treatment now and forced interaction with corrupt mental health professionals and it affects how I live, what I do. I am always prepared to flee should I feel like forced treatment could be demanded. I wish I had died in my last suicide attempt. I am also so scared of forced treatment that I sometimes feel like I should speed up my plans and kill myself faster than I was planning.
No one even believes I was attacked. It's just awful. It wasn't just like rape and violation and pain, it was sudden unwanted sexual sadism that left me injured and I still get fucking pain from what was done. When I was involuntarily held, people didn't even always believe me and they violated my privacy and made me talk about it in groups of mean prejudiced religious people if I wanted to leave. I felt like I was forced to share things with people I didn't want, like once again I had no choices. It made things so much worse and made me so much angrier, and if I had told those doctors that they only would have inflicted more pain.
I can't even fathom being happy in the future. I can't envision a reality in which I want to live, I can't change things in my mind so that things are better enough. After what I've lived through and the pain, and the ongoing pain in part due to unresolved medical issues, I just want death. Some medical issues I had when I was locked up but I didn't want to mention it to them because there was no privacy in the involuntary treatment center and they were mean to people.
I'm just tired of pain and everyone being so fucking mean to me.
www.mdis.edu.sg
