Every so often, especially how I am feeling now, I feel to cry. But then when I do actually manage to, I get out about 1 or 2 tears, and then I become once again Emotionally Constipated. I know I need to cry, god do I need to cry - but I think it is either having become walled off from the emotional displays of a Cluster B Mom, or conditioning from a child where I would have been told to "Grow up" and "Stop crying" so then I instinctively stop myself even in adulthood.
All I know is, that this is getting in the way of my recovery. Should I just watch Sad films or listen to Sad music to help it happen. I know that if I watched the Christmas cartoon "The Snowman" that this would work quite well. "The Snowman" himself represents someone actually real in my life who has done nothing but good for me, but that film reminds me that one day they will be gone. I pray that I can undo the harm that I've caused before that happens.
Even thinking about it has me welling up.... There I go I start crying a bit now, tears are happening... But even as I hear myself sob I say in my mind "You pathetic Loser", but... I have to counter that narrative, it's ok to cry - it's a normal part of being human - it's part of being emotionally healthy.
My conditioning runs deep - how can I let it get in the way of something as simple and beautiful as shedding one's pain through one's tear ducts.
I think a psychedelic can help me with this, to break this default-mode-network. I'm just so fucking depressed right now I can see why CTB'ing is so attractive to some. It is only because I have a lot of unfinished business in this life that I cannot go yet.
Does that mean that I am going to get my affairs in order... yes absolutely.
But not with a view to CTB, but rather in the hope that I can start to actually undo some of the harms that I have done to the people in my life. I have done so much wrong that I worry that even with a phenomenal level of personal growth and amends-making that there will not be enough time, before the people I've wronged are gone.
That's one thing about this situation, is that it literally forces you face-to-face with yourself and your life, and asking some tough questions...
Is that good or bad - Neither, it is our perception that makes it so, so we shall treat it as learning and make the most from it.
Peace, Wukash.
All I know is, that this is getting in the way of my recovery. Should I just watch Sad films or listen to Sad music to help it happen. I know that if I watched the Christmas cartoon "The Snowman" that this would work quite well. "The Snowman" himself represents someone actually real in my life who has done nothing but good for me, but that film reminds me that one day they will be gone. I pray that I can undo the harm that I've caused before that happens.
Even thinking about it has me welling up.... There I go I start crying a bit now, tears are happening... But even as I hear myself sob I say in my mind "You pathetic Loser", but... I have to counter that narrative, it's ok to cry - it's a normal part of being human - it's part of being emotionally healthy.
My conditioning runs deep - how can I let it get in the way of something as simple and beautiful as shedding one's pain through one's tear ducts.
I think a psychedelic can help me with this, to break this default-mode-network. I'm just so fucking depressed right now I can see why CTB'ing is so attractive to some. It is only because I have a lot of unfinished business in this life that I cannot go yet.
Does that mean that I am going to get my affairs in order... yes absolutely.
But not with a view to CTB, but rather in the hope that I can start to actually undo some of the harms that I have done to the people in my life. I have done so much wrong that I worry that even with a phenomenal level of personal growth and amends-making that there will not be enough time, before the people I've wronged are gone.
That's one thing about this situation, is that it literally forces you face-to-face with yourself and your life, and asking some tough questions...
Is that good or bad - Neither, it is our perception that makes it so, so we shall treat it as learning and make the most from it.
Peace, Wukash.
