Venting Ending my life before it really got going

[deepinlimbo]

What can I say? I feel so empty every day…

I really thought I was going to be okay. That I might actually have a life.

no one really knows exactly how the life will turn out until they get to a certain point I feel. I've hit mine

I want to withdraw totally, lay in bed and never wake up again or perhaps go back in time. That's more preferable but it won't happen.

for a long time I was desperate to go back and just fix things.

I went through denial for a long time, that was a killer. That made me cry for hours. Acceptance wasn't easy, then thoughts of Killing myself became my coping mechanism.

I do so little of what I love anymore. I punish myself I guess.

the frustration I feel as I write this as my joints snap and click and my stomach churns and my right hand goes numb. I've gotten to the point where I can, like the Japanese shinzen be so precise and on time with knowing what issues will pop up next and how to trigger them. I'm brokenly efficient, what an oxymoron

My chronic and persistent issues, both in my body and mind. Incurable and unconquerable.
Stupid decisions I made living with me for the rest of my life. I feel so embarrassed and stupid. I've always had issues with my mind but not my body. But Now that's changed and it's just wasting away and I can feel it.

Yet I have a good family and a decent job that I actually like And honestly the best girlfriend I could ever hope to have. Cliche? maybe but she seriously was going to be the one. It took me a long and unnecessarily great deal of time to realise this by which time I realised she doesn't really deserve me and my battered and broken mind and body.

I look at myself in the mirror and I literally hate the person I am. I lie to her and I lie to myself. I'm pretty much scum. (I've even subjected myself to my beatings by own hand to physically cope, I'm assuming that's pretty reasonable when you get to hate yourself so deeply? Punching, scratching etc) At least that's the way I feel but I do it because im desperate to cling on because not letting go is probably the last thing that keeps me holding on. But even that is waiting.

I would honestly sell my soul or pledge myself to god for eternity just to be happy and physically and mentally well. (Im an atheist but I always think when we are hit by hard and difficult situations we will try anything and believe almost anything to try to rectify things)


I just feel so ashamed and pathetic. I hate self loathing and I don't want pity. I just want to punish myself. I can see now why self harm can be so cathartic.

yet I still cling to her selfishly knowing full well I want to just die because I can't give her or myself what I want. It's eating me up inside and I feel so perpetually stressed.

Im not a bad person I just made stupid mistakes and I can't bear the thought of being alone without her and yet I can't actually go on living with her because my health is destroyed. She wants what I can't give her and I pretend, no I lie. It's Why I know my suicide will be rational. It has to be done.
I've come to terms with this, yet here I am…making more promises I used to want, kids, house, marriage etc, I know not everyone wants this and that's fine. All any one wants and should deserve is happiness. That was going to be mine. I ripped it away.


I know it makes sense to die and yet I hate it. I don't want to die! I seriously don't! I'm so distraught by it! But I can't keep suffering. I've had so many mental breakdowns or episodes as I call them where I felt like I was in a twilight zone episode. I genuinely believe im in hell at this point. I think the idea of it being a burning landscape of immense suffering and people screaming as they are tortured in all kinds of horrific ways is bollocks. Nope. It's being so messed up personally, your whole persona and character becomes the problem. You are the problem essentially. It's then having everything around you working perfectly, family, friends, job, relationships etc but no way of enjoying it because you live with issues that you can't run away from and in the end you damage and destroy these through your own self termination. It's close that for me. But because I keep lying because I'm scared and ashamed I keep this disgusting cycle of existence going.

Every day my problems follow me and define me. They basically are me at this point.

The feeling of just wanting to live a good life and realising you can't because you realise that the damage is irreversible at this point or more than likely will get worse.

the future scares me and I think that's what is pushing me over the edge.

I feel so lonely and tired, just so tired. The mental exhaustion is crippling. my mind is especially fatigued. I just want to close my eyes and have my problems erased. I don't care what happens to my life outside my body and mind as long as I don't get to see it. I can't bear to see it all crumble day by day because I'm still alive and pretending, albeitpoorly to be okay.


I'm sorry if it's not clear what's wrong with me, I just feel uncomfortable discussing the full specifics at the moment.

I just want to talk on somewhere I don't feel so alone. I just want to offload my guilt and shame. I'm sorry.

I will maybe stick around for a bit, I've been browsing this forum for a while now without an account and it's nice to see a community that doesn't judge. That knows that life is cruel and we make mistakes and sometimes admitting that it's okay to give up isn't a crime: in fact it takes courage and bravery and even smarts.

anyway thanks for listening to my ramblings.

 

[alwaysSuffering]

I swear, I could have written your post, word for word, myself. I can totally relate to every single thing you describe. I'm completely broken down, mentally and physically as well. I have truly considered whether or not I'm actually in Hell, possibly being punished for something from a past life or something?? I suffer daily. I have no energy. I've hoped and tried for so long to fix it and I just have nothing left to give anymore. I'm completely mentally and physically exhausted and I cannot try anymore. I'm also full of self loathing and want to punish and hurt myself.

I wish I had something profound and positive to say. I wish there were some way to comfort you. All I can say is that I know exactly how you feel and I feel it too and it's horrible and I hate it for both of us. I hope things improve for you. I hope you are able to find peace in some way. I wish you the best.

 

[WornOutLife]

You're certainly going through a lot.

I send you lots of hugs and good vibes from Argentina.

Hope things get better, somehow.

Matt

 

[deepinlimbo]

I swear, I could have written your post, word for word, myself. I can totally relate to every single thing you describe. I'm completely broken down, mentally and physically as well. I have truly considered whether or not I'm actually in Hell, possibly being punished for something from a past life or something?? I suffer daily. I have no energy. I've hoped and tried for so long to fix it and I just have nothing left to give anymore. I'm completely mentally and physically exhausted and I cannot try anymore. I'm also full of self loathing and want to punish and hurt myself.

I wish I had something profound and positive to say. I wish there were some way to comfort you. All I can say is that I know exactly how you feel and I feel it too and it's horrible and I hate it for both of us. I hope things improve for you. I hope you are able to find peace in some way. I wish you the best.

Thankyou. I've been told to try ctb and was all signed up etc, but I just couldn't do it. I didn't want someone to tell me to breath through it or tell me to count or maybe think of something positive etc, all I want to do is just fix me by going back but I can't.

I know it's ludicrous to think I can just turn back the clock. Hindsight is always the best sight.

I'm sorry for your situation too.

You're certainly going through a lot.

I send you lots of hugs and good vibes from Argentina.

Hope things get better, somehow.

Matt

Thankyou :)

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be very cruel. There is only so much one human can take until they fall into despair. Many problems are just unfixable and it can leave us feeling hopeless. The future scares me too. Many people don't want to die, they just want the pain to end. I wish you the best.

 

[deepinlimbo]

This life can be very cruel. There is only so much one human can take until they fall into despair. Many problems are just unfixable and it can leave us feeling hopeless. The future scares me too. Many people don't want to die, they just want the pain to end. I wish you the best.

People, more specifically my family keep telling me to fight and I have so much to loose if I don't, I've explained time and time again I've already lost. I don't take enjoyment in admitting that either. I feel like a failure as a son and as a man. That cripples me.

I really don't want to die. I just long for a future I can't have and I don't want to live for something I can't have. I don't if sound selfish. My pain and shame and fear isn't worth enduring.

Thankyou for your words. You too. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it right.

think everyone on here deserves better than what they have now.