Venting Entering the final week(ish)

[AceOfSpadesCTB]

Well, it happened. One long shot that I thought could change things went, as expected, cold, and I'm done making desperation throws just to keep surviving in a life that I can't enjoy or appreciate. I left my job a month and a half ago, what little savings I had ran out - both on keeping pace with a mountain of debt obtained due to stupidity and ignorance and on chasing a long shot for some financial security - so the deadline is the end of the month. I'm seeing my family and closest friend one last time this weekend to give them some final happy memories, returning a book to a friend, donating all my clothes except what I need for the last few days, and then packing up as much of my apartment as I can to make it easier for the landlord when I'm "evicted" for not paying rent next month.

I'll be spending the rest of my time next week getting my courage together and doing a lot more practice with the unloaded gun so that I won't think when the time comes, and hopefully my survival instinct won't think it's anything different. I guess I'll be watching a few movies and shows that I had been enjoying before I got to this point. Maybe sell all of my vinyl records (my last easily movable item of value) for one last run of bets.

I want to thank all of you who've I've talked with in the shoutbox or in PMs, as well as all of you who've been contributing to the intelligent, caring, and kind discussion on here. One of the most comforting things for me is that I'm not the only one who feels this way, that I'm not crazy for having these thoughts, and that I'm not sick like the world wants to tell me I am. It's been short, but it's been real.

 

[Lra888]

Good luck Ace. Thank you so much for sharing with all of us - yes it means a lot to feel that we're not insane and actually logical in our decision. It was nice talking with you on shoutbox. Hope your final week is pleasant. Again thank you for making me and others feel not so alone as we come to the end of things. Yes it's been real.

 

[DeadLikeMe]

Good Luck.

 

[Made4TV]

All the best to you.

 

[Schopenhauer]

Good luck. You're definitely not alone. Nobody should be forced to endure the unendurable.

 

[throwaway777]

you dont need my good luck , but we all feel the same here so only know that you're not alone … we all suffer and wanting to escape suffering is the most natural thing ever ...infinite peace for u <3