YukiFox
Pastel demon
- Dec 8, 2018
- 320
I hate when I heard about this claims:
"You're normal", "There's people more damaged out there", "You need to trust yourself", "Thank God your parents live", "Thank you`re alive", "Thank that you're not having an serious illness", and Bull*** like that.
Well, that's the point about my mental state. In theory, I don`t have any traumatic experience, or consuming desease, or failed relationships, or drug problems. Yes, in theory, I had a "normal" life, I have wisdom, I`m good to computers, I talk 3 languages, but my depression is still there.
I can relate it to my gender dysphoria, to my lack of a good jobs, or my solitude. For sure. But I hate when the people around me talks positively about me, because I feel like I failed to them when I don't get hired, or when I cried about my mental state. That good intentions doesn't resolve my situation. I can't feel normal, I can't feel that I belong to the society, to the standards of the common world. The psychology tests gossip about my brain mess and contribute about my self perception as abnormal human.
I embrace nihilism not because of a cynic personality, or to become a sardonic asshole who presents their likes of nihilistic series as pretentious trophies ("I'm a complex person, you can`t understand me" and bull*** like that)... I embrace because I can't find an anchored purpose to live. Yes, for sure, I wish to become a writer, but that isn't my profession and I know that, like on sports, the success rate about being published and recognized are kind a lottery (Few sold books on Kindle doesn't count to me). I'm indifferent to the idea of continue on this world, I'm not moralist about the fantasy of CTB. My suffering doesn't have the reasons of another people who feels more miserable, and that's my point of venting: any kind of suffering counts? Why I`m feeling depressed when another humans had worse lives? and that thinking, that overthinking increases the inner fire.
I keep going. My mental state, still, doesn't take away my functionality. But I'm having mini crisis about feeling miserable, and I think that counts too. My goal isn't to become happier, the happiness it's a spark on my mind, a temporary state, not a permanent one.
"You're normal", "There's people more damaged out there", "You need to trust yourself", "Thank God your parents live", "Thank you`re alive", "Thank that you're not having an serious illness", and Bull*** like that.
Well, that's the point about my mental state. In theory, I don`t have any traumatic experience, or consuming desease, or failed relationships, or drug problems. Yes, in theory, I had a "normal" life, I have wisdom, I`m good to computers, I talk 3 languages, but my depression is still there.
I can relate it to my gender dysphoria, to my lack of a good jobs, or my solitude. For sure. But I hate when the people around me talks positively about me, because I feel like I failed to them when I don't get hired, or when I cried about my mental state. That good intentions doesn't resolve my situation. I can't feel normal, I can't feel that I belong to the society, to the standards of the common world. The psychology tests gossip about my brain mess and contribute about my self perception as abnormal human.
I embrace nihilism not because of a cynic personality, or to become a sardonic asshole who presents their likes of nihilistic series as pretentious trophies ("I'm a complex person, you can`t understand me" and bull*** like that)... I embrace because I can't find an anchored purpose to live. Yes, for sure, I wish to become a writer, but that isn't my profession and I know that, like on sports, the success rate about being published and recognized are kind a lottery (Few sold books on Kindle doesn't count to me). I'm indifferent to the idea of continue on this world, I'm not moralist about the fantasy of CTB. My suffering doesn't have the reasons of another people who feels more miserable, and that's my point of venting: any kind of suffering counts? Why I`m feeling depressed when another humans had worse lives? and that thinking, that overthinking increases the inner fire.
I keep going. My mental state, still, doesn't take away my functionality. But I'm having mini crisis about feeling miserable, and I think that counts too. My goal isn't to become happier, the happiness it's a spark on my mind, a temporary state, not a permanent one.
