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illvoid

illvoid

he/it
Aug 11, 2022
151
i know I'm not a good person, and I wish I knew how to fix myself. all I want is to have one person I don't inevitably push away. it seems so unattainable. i hate interacting with people I love because I know I will never be who they want me to be. i know they will leave. i know they're silently wishing I would just stop talking. im disgusted with who I am. i apologize for almost everything I do and say to people I hold close to me, and I mean during almost every single conversation. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I feel loved, understood, cared for and listened to. I know I don't deserve those things; but I am human and I need them, so I hold myself to a standard I dont know how to reach. The more I try, the worse I become. It's gotten harder and harder to keep people in my life, and I have considered ctb every time ive lost someone because I know it's more than likely my fault. I destroy every good thing that comes into my life. Everything I touch. I wish I could find a real starting point. I don't know who I am anymore. Sorry for venting here, I know it's a lot.
 
D1byRam3n

D1byRam3n

Trying to escape from cruel reality
Nov 14, 2023
74
No needs to be sorry...everything you've been through must be rough but screw them! Just do whatever you want! anything is fine...as long as you feel better then
 
F

F@#$

Freedom seeker
Nov 8, 2023
968
i know I'm not a good person, and I wish I knew how to fix myself. all I want is to have one person I don't inevitably push away. it seems so unattainable. i hate interacting with people I love because I know I will never be who they want me to be. i know they will leave. i know they're silently wishing I would just stop talking. im disgusted with who I am. i apologize for almost everything I do and say to people I hold close to me, and I mean during almost every single conversation. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I feel loved, understood, cared for and listened to. I know I don't deserve those things; but I am human and I need them, so I hold myself to a standard I dont know how to reach. The more I try, the worse I become. It's gotten harder and harder to keep people in my life, and I have considered ctb every time ive lost someone because I know it's more than likely my fault. I destroy every good thing that comes into my life. Everything I touch. I wish I could find a real starting point. I don't know who I am anymore. Sorry for venting here, I know it's a lot.
I feel very similar. I'm learning to embrace my destruction. Builds character.
 

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